To return to work FT

[mumguiltwork]

I've name changed for this just so it doesn't tie to other posts

I'm looking for some advice and experience from others who have done the same
I'm due to return to work from maternity leave in a couple of months (on a part time basis), however have been approached about a new job
This new job is substantially higher pay that the one I would be returning to - 3.5x the current salary. It's a contract role also but with a decent length and potential to extend.

The logical side to me says to take the job. The money would be extremely handy right now, help me clear a bit of debt I have quite quickly and then I'd also be able to build a good savings pot during this time as well and put us in a much better position for buying a house. If I return to my part time role it could take me a few years to pay off the debt and thus even longer to save

However I'm really worried about working full time and leaving my 8 month old dd in childcare/with grandparents. Will I lose the bond I have with her? I'll miss out on so much time - getting home in time just to do bath/bed with her. I have a hobby I do twice a week also, so I would essentially need to give that up as well because it's in the evenings and I don't want to add even more time away from dd

As it's a contract job it does mean once the contract is up I could take on another job part time again elsewhere and get more time with my dd back and be in a better financial position. Everything points to taking this job but I'm just worried how this affects my relationship with dd and if I will cope

Anyone else gone back full time and how do you manage it?
Should I even consider this role or do I take the time with dd (money can always be made etc but time can't be bought back).

I think you'd be mad not to go for the job. Children go to childcare all the time, even from younger ages than yours, it's actually pretty insulting to think that children of f/t working parents have a lesser bond with their parents.

It’s such a personal thing to be honest it’s really difficult to advise someone else. My experience was that I got made redundant on maternity leave and then got offered another role. They insisted it had to start in 4 weeks and had to be full time. DD was 16 weeks when I started and I cried every day leaving her and was generally really miserable. It paid off in the long run though as the organisation was really flexible when DD got seriously ill and I took some unpaid leave and went back 3 days a week. I massively regret not having that time with her from 4 months to 22 months. However your child is older and I know plenty of mums who were really pleased to go back full time and have no regrets.

This!!!

I would do it, the money would put you in a good position and you will still bond with your baby and have time with her, don't forget presumably you will have annual leave too. You will be in a place maybe to take part time work then when the time comes .

*good place

Both of mine started nursery 5 days a week when they were 12 months old and I went back to work FT.

It's very personal and I can't pretend I don't feel guilty from time to time, but my DC are the thriving and our relationships are strong.

Given the finances involved in your decision, I wouldn't hesitate to take the job.

I would take it. The pay is great, many children are in full time childcare (and you are lucky to have grandparents to cover some of it). It’s also worth remembering that it isn’t a lifelong commitment - if you find after trying it out for a decent chunk of time, you can look for a part time role.

You need to make the decision between money and security and time with your child. I made the latter and even though they are now almost grown I wouldn't change things. Unfortunately you can't have both.

Sorry I didn't mean it to come as insulting by suggesting a bond would be less. I'm a ftm so just finding my way with it all
I'm worried I will be jealous at others spending time with her over me

Really just wondering how those who go full time manage it all and how you feel

You'd be crazy not to take the job.

My ds went into f/t childcare when I returned full time. He took it completely in his stride.

When it came to choosing childcare, I took him to visit various child minders and nurseries. He was fairly clingy at a couple of them, but the childminder we eventually chose, he took to immediately, plus it was less than a mile from my office so I knew if he needed me, I was close by.

He stayed there until he started school at 4 😊

Yes, you probably will feel jealous, but you will also be delighted when someone else does the bulk of the graft on some of the less fun aspects. And your DC learn to share, queue and wait their turn. And it's a joy when nursery deal with most of the accidents during potty training.

In terms of managing it, it's tough. You are right your social activity will probably be dropped. Life is incessant. But we prioritise the DC at the weekends (which is why evenings are so full of life admin) and we have money to go out and do nice things, have me a meal out, stop for an ice cream and so on. We wouldn't be able to do that if we didn't both work.

Also FWIW, I think it's actually easier to work when the kids are younger and their needs are more physical. My elder one is about to start school and has only recently been asking why he is 'a every day child' at nursery and 'Henry is only here three days'. Nursery makes it easier to as it's 8am - 5pm. I'm concerned about when he starts school and will be in a minority in wraparound, but friends who've done it say those in the after school club tend to form a good bond and enjoy it.

I agree with a pp this is so personal. I could not imagine putting my one year old in full time childcare regardless of who with unless it was absolutely essential. Personally even then I'd be so sad not to see her everyday, take her to groups and new places, watch her develop as I get to nurture her interests. I want to be right there with her for these formative years. You'll have the weekends, but one of those days will inevitably get taken up with chores/errands because you'll be exhausted working full time. It would not be my choice no.

A friend went back 4.5 days a week in May and had all these plans for how much she and baby would do together on her free half day. She's so knackered they have never done anything and she just goes home. Completely understandable but it's important to be realistic.

You’ll get a slightly skewed response here OP - MN is very pro mums working and using childcare.

I know that when I went back when my dd was that age I regretted it and quit to go freelance within a year. My career took a massive hit though, which of course I now regret. All I know is that it was the best decision for me and her at the time and I loved being at home with her.

No one can advise you - I think you have to follow your instincts as it’s such a personal thing. But I think FT mums who think it doesn’t affect their relationship with their child are mistaken. Saying ‘my kids are fine and we have a great relationship’ is all good and well, but it simply cannot have no impact at all.

Absolutely go for it! If you want. I work 5 days and have no regrets, and the bond with my DC is just fine. It's absolutely normal for fathers to work FT, and no one questions their bond or does the judgy head tilt.

The only thing I'll say is: if it's financially possible not to take the job, do you actually want it, DC aside? I'm definitely not as sharp or as motivated post DC, especially post DC2. It will be full on so you'll need to want it iykwim.

But I say go for it nonetheless!

Exhausted working full time? Surely that depends on the nature of the job.
My DC were all in nursery full time from 6 months. We never spent the weekend doing errands or chores other than the usual clearing up after meals etc. I had more energy for fun things as well as I’d spent the week sitting in an office

FT working mums can't have a great bond with there children? What about working dads?

You describe the new role that you have been offered as a ‘contract role’. So you’d be resigning from your current role to go into a short term contract, which will end at some point. Yes, it might be ‘a decent length with potential to extend’ but that’s not guaranteed.

I think that you should be concentrating on the pros and cons of changing your employment status, rather than childcare. Presumably you’d be charging a day rate, would be paid through an umbrella company and would effectively be employed by a middle man, who might be an agency or a consultancy firm? But to all intents and purposes you are self-employed.

Roles like this do pay more, for several reasons. You’re at the mercy of the market and can be terminated at any time, with a week’s notice. You won’t get sick pay or holiday pay. There isn’t much job security. If an end user (e.g. the business you’re actually doing the work for) is paying a good day rate plus commission to a middle man, they expect commitment in return. That means that you’re unlikely to experience a favourable response to requests for flexible working, short notice absences with a sick child, etc. You don’t mention a partner: could they do the main carer stuff with the baby if you can’t be flexible?

You also need to think about whether you might need to pay back some of your maternity pay if you don’t go back to your old job.

I know that this sounds very negative. It’s not. I think that the best decisions are made with full information though.

If the pay is that much better, I'd go for it, but outsource what you can do you're making your most of the time you do have.

I don't think FT working mums are saying it doesn't impact the relationship, but it doesn't mean you can't have a good one, or that it's worse. It's why it's so personal. And the impact is not necessarily all negative which is what you seem to be implying.

Everything is a balance and a compromise. It would be nice and supportive if you could perhaps give the pros if your decision without being quite so rude to others. It's not easy being a mum!

When you see threads about high earning mums, it's at this point you will have to decide whether you want to be a high earner. Almost all went back to work full time after short maternity leaves.

Go for this job! Whatever anyone says kids those age just need food and water and to be loved and they will be fine. You will be in a position to work part time and spend more time with your baby when they are a toddler if you take this job now. When they will really appreciate having you at home

My eldest attended nursery full time from 9 months old. I worked full time until returning from my second maternity leave, where I dropped to 4 days. I needed the money, and got full time equiv maternity pay second time round.

Both children loved nursery, from the start. It was like a full day of baby classes for them! Singing, sensory play, holistic, reading, etc etc. far more than I could ever sustain on my own. We had fantastic weekends together, days out etc.

I felt guilty taking the eldest out of nursery (partly) when on maternity leave with number 2!

The role is not through and agency or middleman and the pay is through PAYE so not self employed.
My current job as no potential for growth really, and the pay for the role is much less than the market. It is a very conscientious role however though, close to home, good colleagues and boss. However it's not super flexible in terms of days working from home and I can't see a pay rise anytime soon.

There are lots of contracted work for this being advertised at the moment so hopefully something would come up at the end, but I'm thinking with the savings I could make here I wouldn't be as stressed with the roles I would need to take at the time.

@FoxtrotSkarloey I'm so sorry if I'm coming across rude, that's 100% not my intention

On paper and practically this job is the way to go. It's the guilt of missing this time with dd that is holding me back currently

@mumguiltwork Oh goodness, sorry, I meant to quote @EtnaVesuvius with my last comment. That wasn't to you at all! Apologies.

Personally from what you’ve said I think you’d be bonkers not to.

We’re talking about a huge pay increase by the sounds of it. You have debt that you need to pay off. Interest rates are going to rise. Energy prices are going to increase by 64% in two months’ time. The price of milk has increased by more than 30% in the last 12 months. And we’re almost certainly heading for a nasty recession. Make hay while the sun shines and pay off that debt before it gets more expensive to service it. Then maybe take another PT role down the line.

I went back FT after 13 months. There were difficult times when I felt very guilty. But I have an amazing relationship with my children. I just decided to put everything into making the time we had together really, really good quality time. And although I didn’t know this crisis was coming, I’m very grateful to have the money I made.