Son on a residential

[FergusSingsTheBluess]

My 10 yo son is autistic and really worried about an upcoming school trip where he will be 4 hours away from me for 3 nights.

He is very bright, reasonably sociable and has v nice friends and is very involved with school life in general but he can’t cope with play dates, sleepovers or any cross pollination of school and home life.

He also suffers from terrible separation anxiety plus sleep problems .

Would I be unreasonable to rent a nearby Airbnb to collect him and take him back each evening?

He is having full scale panic attacks over this and I know he don’t be able to manage staying over - I had to collect him the last time and that was only a mile from me. But I don’t want him to miss out

would teachers support this or does it seem odd and overbearing?

I think that sounds like an ideal solution op. Chat to the school about it before booking anything though.

What does he want to do?
I wouldn't suggest the idea of collecting him each night until the school say that it’s ok.

Did he want to go when it was booked?

He doesn’t want to go at all simply
because he can’t bear to be apart from
me

and he is really disappointed and sad about or because he’s definitely a joiner.

but I am not by nature a difficult or disruptive person so I feel a bit uncomfortable even raising it

I have agreed to this on a number of school trips. I think if it means a child can come, then I'm all for it. It's classed as a reasonable adjustment. You may have to have an agreement about how and when you collect son on the days as you won't be allowed to be with the group unless your DBS cleared by school.
We have had parents come to France and do this, it works well and means the kids get the best bits of the trip without the added worry of having to share a room, deal with lack of sleep and they have their down time.
Go for it.

I think its an ideal solution. Our school was really accommodating for children who needed different levels of support on residentials, so hopefully yours will be too.

I would talk it through with the school to gauge their expectations and what extra logistics are possible. They may be utterly stretched and horrified at the proposed arrangements.

What the OP proposes sounds like it would make things easier for them.
Talk to the school, OP, if they're sensible they'll be delighted you've figured out (and will be paying for!) this reasonable adjustment.

Thanks - I wasn’t sure if I would look really precious by asking

i am removing a problem from them- he’s well known for his sleep issues which have meant that he has at times been awake until the early hours and not Anne tk attend school. Am sure that they wonks want to avoid that!

They will want to avoid that. Nothing worse than a kid who won't sleep and is so upset you can't do anything. Things always seem worse at 3am too.
I'm betting they will be pleased he can come and pleased you have considered the best way for this to happen. If they aren't I would be very surprised and would still push for it.

I'm more worried that you have signed him up to this and you and he are both obviously distressed by it, yet you haven't already had these conversations with the lead staff.

I think you need to talk it through with them openly about what he needs to be supported for the whole trip. If the conclusion of the conversation is that you should stay nearby then fine, but there needs to be a more general discussion too. You are trusting them to look after him - give them the info and tools they need to do this well, listen to what they say, and only let him go if you are happy with their approach. Don't just go to them and say he won't cope between 9pm and 8am so I will be withdrawing him for those hours.

My autistic son has done some residentials and we have refused permission for others. The biggest factor is not the distance but the relationship and trust we have with the staff.

@Dewsberry Well his last residential was a disaster. Despite me speaking to them and writing everything down, they called me at 10pm because nobody had given him his melatonin and he was trapped in a big room where they were all watching a movie. He was too shy to say he needed to sleep or to ask for his tablets -surely autism 101 FFS - he cannot cop with life after 9pm and I don’t want a repeat of that. So, no, I don’t trust them to manage him properly and need to advocate for him.

one of our kids recently had a school overnight trip and a couple of kids were definitely collected at bedtime and returned the next morning. It was local so no need to stay somewhere but shows some schools will definitely accommodate this. It definitely sounds like a great reasonable adjustment.
Although I must caveat that our school is a lovely small village school that has often accommodated the kids and their parents in ways that I know other schools have refused to over the years.

Sounds very sensible

Does he have to go at all ? You say he doesn't want to ?

i know of parents who’ve done similar. I would think it’s happened at your school too, they just won’t talk about it much a) for privacy and b) because it is for situations like yours, not situations where the parent’s anxiety outweighs the child’s. (My yr7 has just been on residential and I was shocked by the number of parent saying that they themselves weren’t coping, why couldn’t the kids have their phones to keep in touch etc) You are asking for a reasonable accommodation to be made in light of past experiences.

Yes sounds very sensible.
At my DC's school they can be useless with stuff like this but actually for the last two residentials, with different classes, there's been a need for a foster parent and a parent to be staying nearby for ASD or behavioural reasons.
It's also a nice feeling for your DS to know that you're close by.

@newbiename

he does have to go. He can’t even do play dates so I need to really push his confidence. I cant bear him to miss out and he would be really fed up if anxiety is yet again hampering his fun. He’s physically a daredevil;] who would shine at this sort of outdoor trip

Definitely talk to the school. It should be possible to be flexible and open to the option of him staying over one or more nights if he wants. Or staying until very late or whatever gives him an experience he enjoys and can cope with.

I'm not sure why you would need a DBS just to pick him up even if you did spend a few minutes with the group each evening.

That is shocking how they did not give him his meds. Dear god even my NT dd got reminded to take her hayever medication (she use to have severe attacks).

I do wonder why they take kids so bloody far away from their home on primary residentials, DD only went 90mins up the road so really parents were only a phone call away, which gave me peace of mind.

Sometimes parents can go on school trips to help out. I know my sister went to France on a school trip with her DSs year group. Talk to school, your DS attracts c£5k pa extra funding for the school, even if you have to pay, stay with them. Good luck

We took a child away on residential recently who suffers from high anxiety particularly triggered by separation from parents - assessment ongoing for neurodiversities.
We build up over the nights - parent collected the first night when dinner/activities had finished, the second night she did the full bedtime routine with the others, and then parent collected just as the others were getting into bed, so she literally just went home, straight into bed, and came back in her pjs before breakfast. The third night she managed to stay overnight because she knew what to expect/the routine. We and parents had fully expected that she would need collecting again, but she was very determined that she wanted to sleep over like the others.

So yes, I think a very good suggestion, but that I think it's important he still has a bed at the residential like the others, takes a packed bag etc - so he gets as much of the experience, and in case he surprises everyone and manages more as the days go on and he sees what the routine is. It does also get easier each subsequent night as the other children get more and more tired, so bedtime creeps forward.

I’m a secondary teacher and on a recent residential with yr7, one parent actually stayed each night due to medical reasons with her child. Others have stayed near in the past. We are happy to do whatever it takes to ensure each child is included when there is good reason.

However, as a parent of a 10 year old too - 4 hours away?! I don’t understand why the school would take them so far? Children often need to be picked up due to various reasons. That’s a long way for any parent to travel in those circumstances!

Our school did this for a recent trip- the parents of a couple of the kids from the base stayed with them in a local hotel and brought them each day, was great they could go on the trip.

I think you staying & collecting is a good idea. (I considered going to the IoW for DD2's residential at the same age, though didn't in the end.)

You may find the school is reluctant, as they may feel that one child being collected and returned would be disrupting for other anxious children.
However I think it could be managed in such a way that they hardly notice (especially if you return him for breakfast each day)

Avoid the entire thing Op.

He is not able to do it sadly and will require a shed load of effort from the teachers.