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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son on a residential

76 replies

FergusSingsTheBluess · 24/07/2022 23:44

My 10 yo son is autistic and really worried about an upcoming school trip where he will be 4 hours away from me for 3 nights.

He is very bright, reasonably sociable and has v nice friends and is very involved with school life in general but he can’t cope with play dates, sleepovers or any cross pollination of school and home life.

He also suffers from terrible separation anxiety plus sleep problems .

Would I be unreasonable to rent a nearby Airbnb to collect him and take him back each evening?

He is having full scale panic attacks over this and I know he don’t be able to manage staying over - I had to collect him the last time and that was only a mile from me. But I don’t want him to miss out

would teachers support this or does it seem odd and overbearing?

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 25/07/2022 08:07

I think he will be so so relieved

Ohthatsexciting · 25/07/2022 08:07

Get a couple of his friends around asap and do go ape or similar

but this residential? I would avoid

SloppyHousekeeper · 25/07/2022 08:13

I know parents who have done this and it worked out well for them and school was agreeable to it. My ds and I decided he would not go on residential until he was high school age. He wasn't ready and he agreed with that.

He is now going into his 3rd year at high school and so far no over night trips away with school but he will be more than ready to go when there is one. Not doing residentials at primary has not held him back. He is autistic, he slept in my bed until he was 8, he was a very anxious child. Now he is very independent and happy to do things on his own. I can't believe how he has changed.

toomuchlaundry · 25/07/2022 08:16

@Dibbydoos what extra funding is that?

Original poster
FergusSingsTheBluess · 25/07/2022 08:19

RainbowSlaw · 25/07/2022 07:59

We took a child away on residential recently who suffers from high anxiety particularly triggered by separation from parents - assessment ongoing for neurodiversities.
We build up over the nights - parent collected the first night when dinner/activities had finished, the second night she did the full bedtime routine with the others, and then parent collected just as the others were getting into bed, so she literally just went home, straight into bed, and came back in her pjs before breakfast. The third night she managed to stay overnight because she knew what to expect/the routine. We and parents had fully expected that she would need collecting again, but she was very determined that she wanted to sleep over like the others.

So yes, I think a very good suggestion, but that I think it's important he still has a bed at the residential like the others, takes a packed bag etc - so he gets as much of the experience, and in case he surprises everyone and manages more as the days go on and he sees what the routine is. It does also get easier each subsequent night as the other children get more and more tired, so bedtime creeps forward.

Yes, this is part of the problem. Bedtimes. 😩

I am completely rigid about bedtime because I have to be, but think that going to bed ar 2230 is probably inevitable for the first night

OP posts:
Staynow · 25/07/2022 08:20

All you can do is talk to them and see what they say, definitely worth doing, I'd do it asap.

RedElephants · 25/07/2022 08:20

I worked 1-1 with a child with Down Syndrome, a good few years ago now.
The child's parents went in their camper van and stayed near by, I would have offered to go with him, if it wasn't for the fact I had 2 primary aged (8&5) children of my own.

Original poster
FergusSingsTheBluess · 25/07/2022 08:21

Ohthatsexciting · 25/07/2022 08:06

Avoid the entire thing Op.

He is not able to do it sadly and will require a shed load of effort from the teachers.

What effort? I just need to collect him and drop him off

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 25/07/2022 08:27

This would be fine at my school op.

We have had children duck out of the entire trip, children who are brought for the daytime activities only, and parents who have stayed nearby 'in case there is a problem.' Not a problem and a reasonable adjustment. Speak to the school before you book anything, but I would not anticipate a problem. Could you just be staying nearby in case there is a problem rather than assuming that there will be and collecting him? Some children surprise us and it would be a shame to collect him if, with a bit of support, he might have had the residential experience.

lunar1 · 25/07/2022 08:29

I know our school have refused this request from a parent in ds2's class, but she was making an awful lot of demands regarding timings etc. she expected the school to give her fixed times for collecting and dropping off in advance.

They told her it would work out too distressing for other children who may also be homesick.

I suspect if she'd just agreed to go with timings that worked for the trip and agreed to be completely flexible she would have got a different answer.

Littlebluebird123 · 25/07/2022 08:29

As many pp have said, it's definitely something which would be considered a reasonable adjustment.
I have done several residential trips and I would prefer the children to enjoy it. Being collected at a convenient time is far better than a huge anxiety attack and subsequent lack of sleep in the wee hours! (I've had both happen!)

I changed our residential from 3 hours away to 40 minutes because of this!

It would be helpful to sit down with the leader of the trip and discuss all the potential triggers/issues and agree a plan.

This year I had a variety of children leaving before bedtime and arriving for breakfast. The parents (apart from one) were grateful and pleased to have this option; the children enjoyed the experience as it didn't build up to an overwhelming point and I was able to make minor adjustments so it meant the children missed the minimum of the experience.

alnawire · 25/07/2022 08:30

He doesn’t want to go at all

he does have to go. He can’t even do play dates so I need to really push his confidence.

I don't mean to sound rude but I think you are doing it wrong OP. He doesn't want to go. Listen to him. The biggest most important thing you can ever do for you child is to listen to them. Sending an autistic child into a trip he doesn't want to attend is not going to build his confidence. It's time to accept that maybe play dates are not for him. Please don't try to use a hugely stressful event such as a trip to change your child. He will not gain confidence in a situation that causes him distress. Being out of routine, no 'safe space' and general transitions throughout that trip will make your child feel worse. They won't turn him into a social butterfly. He does not need to go. He does not want to go. Listen to him

MummyGummy · 25/07/2022 08:32

alnawire · 25/07/2022 08:30

He doesn’t want to go at all

he does have to go. He can’t even do play dates so I need to really push his confidence.

I don't mean to sound rude but I think you are doing it wrong OP. He doesn't want to go. Listen to him. The biggest most important thing you can ever do for you child is to listen to them. Sending an autistic child into a trip he doesn't want to attend is not going to build his confidence. It's time to accept that maybe play dates are not for him. Please don't try to use a hugely stressful event such as a trip to change your child. He will not gain confidence in a situation that causes him distress. Being out of routine, no 'safe space' and general transitions throughout that trip will make your child feel worse. They won't turn him into a social butterfly. He does not need to go. He does not want to go. Listen to him

Please listen to this comment OP

YourUserNameMustBeAtLeast3Characters · 25/07/2022 08:40

I think it sounds like a sensible solution if he’ll enjoy the daytime (if he’ll give things a go) but wouldn’t cope with the evenings/nights.

We had to collect our DC from a residential on night 2…. 4 hour round trip, and a right pain for the teachers too.

bluelavender · 25/07/2022 08:50

Ask to talk with the school about the trip; particularly in the context of his SEN plan (or ECHP if you've been able to do this)

Original poster
FergusSingsTheBluess · 25/07/2022 09:00

MummyGummy · 25/07/2022 08:32

Please listen to this comment OP

Show quote history

@MummyGummy @alnawire

sorry, I see now that looks. I meant as things stand, ie - me too far away - he doesn’t want to go. He is basically disappointed because he knows he won’t cope so far away from me.

he can’t do play dates because he hates home and school intermingling and at his age I can’t exactly come along for the craic.but I am keen he goes because autism limits enough of his life as it is.

he’s delighted with this idea as he just won’t go if for some reason they won’t allow it.

OP posts:
mrsparsnip · 25/07/2022 09:05

This reminds me of my eldest son's Y6 residential. It was about four hours away from home as well. My son has ASD and severe anxiety issues. He worried about everything: being away form me, his younger brother moving things in his room, not being able to join in and so on. In the end, the school arranged some additional transition activities for his move to secondary school and my son did not go on the residential.

Could an alternative to the residential be offered?

NoSquirrels · 25/07/2022 09:09

Our school would be delighted with this as a reasonable adjustment. Usually there’s at least one child who joins for only some of the week not all, joins daily but not overnight, or joins daily and only sleeps over on the last night.

WibblyWobblyLane · 25/07/2022 09:17

Talk to the person organising the trip. As someone who runs these types of trips every year, I would much rather a parent was upfront about any potential difficulties and we could discuss and together we could come up with a plan of action that suits, than potentially that child missing out, or the parent being too shy to come forward and then the problems accur. I wouldn't find it weird if you stayed nearby.

justfiveminutes · 25/07/2022 09:18

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by encouraging him to go and finding a compromise op. I have seen this situation many times. So often parents say that their child won't cope but they do. I think you are giving him a powerful message - with the right adjustments in place, you can do anything.

maranella · 25/07/2022 09:35

A couple of parents did this last term during a residential for Y6. I would contact the staff member in charge of the trip asap and suggest it and make it clear that this is the only way that you can envisage your DS being able to join this trip, as the sleepover part of it is too much for him. It sounds like a very reasonable compromise to me!

disappear · 25/07/2022 09:42

Definitely discuss this with the school. One year, we took the granddad of a child with autism with us on the Year 6 residential.

Tabletable · 25/07/2022 09:48

It sounds like a great idea. Children really start to struggle without sleep even if they’re NT and they’re put to bed quite late because there’s no point trying any earlier. That’s without him struggling being away from you.

alnawire · 25/07/2022 09:59

I am keen he goes because autism limits enough of his life as it is.

It only limits his life if you spend it comparing what stage a NT child would be at. What it actually does it keep his life at a level he is happy and comfortable with. The narrative that autistic people are limited is often used by NT people because they compare with themselves and other NT people around them. Work with your child. He isn't NT and he isn't limited. His life will be different but if you allow it to be his life instead of chasing what you think should be he will be a lot happier.

alnawire · 25/07/2022 10:01

Sorry I have just read that back and realise it sounds a bit blunt. It wasn't intended.

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