Son on a residential

[FergusSingsTheBluess]

My 10 yo son is autistic and really worried about an upcoming school trip where he will be 4 hours away from me for 3 nights.

He is very bright, reasonably sociable and has v nice friends and is very involved with school life in general but he can’t cope with play dates, sleepovers or any cross pollination of school and home life.

He also suffers from terrible separation anxiety plus sleep problems .

Would I be unreasonable to rent a nearby Airbnb to collect him and take him back each evening?

He is having full scale panic attacks over this and I know he don’t be able to manage staying over - I had to collect him the last time and that was only a mile from me. But I don’t want him to miss out

would teachers support this or does it seem odd and overbearing?

Surely it's down to the teachers if they think it's too much.
As someone who arranged trips most years, it's always a shed load of work and I will always try to make it accessible to all students as they all deserve the opportunity to go.

Speak to the school we have just done exactly this for our daughter who has asd. She has never been away from us overnight and didn't want to go but once we told her we would stay nearby and she could stay with us at night she was happy about the idea. She had a brilliant time and joined in with all of the activities without the pressure of having to stay overnight. I'm sure the school will be accommodating

Yes of course you need to advocate for him. That was more or less the point I was trying to make.

Well as much as we might not want him to feel limited, HE feels limited

He has lovely friends but can’t deal with
sleepovers
kids around his house
late nights
food colourings
uncertainty
being away from me

He gets frustrated at having to manage certain aspects of his life that he sees
other children experience without batting an eyelid.

He just wants to be like everybody else but thankfully he is now very articulate about his feelings (didn’t speak until he was 6) so we are able to talk alot about the issues that bother him and work through them as best we can.

He just wants to be like everybody else but thankfully he is now very articulate about his feelings (didn’t speak until he was 6) so we are able to talk alot about the issues that bother him and work through them as best we can.

It ok for him to learn he doesn't have to be like everyone else. I'm sorry I feel like I'm having a go at you and it isn't intended but coming from a place of real lives experience. I wish I had known when I was your sons age that it's ok not to be the same. Possibly projecting a bit but tbh I still think it's key advice for any families living with autism, or any other disability really. Anyway I apologise for coming across badly. I'm not having a go and I hope you can work something out with school that suits you all, especially your son.

You’re not offending me at al, it’s helpful to be challenged really. I understand what you’re saying. There is a strong element of “meh, don’t do it then” going on with various things but if he wants to join in something then I want to facilitate him.

if he didn’t want to go, I’d have no probs saying no to the school.

Anyway I’m sure we will work it all out. Thanks to everybody - this thread has been so reassuring xx

I would have headed this off at the very 6

”how about we save this for next year when you’re a bit older and this year we invite XUC around for a play date here? Perhaps we could do go ape or one of the activities on the residential?!”

My son is autistic so we will have this in a few years. If my son didn't want to go I wouldn't push him to attend to be 'normal' if he did want to go I would either ask to attend too or do similar to what you plan to do.

@autienotnaughty

no he really does want to go

it’s bing without me and dealing with his sleep issues that’s the problem

anyway hopefully it will be solved 💪

My DH did exactly that at that age. If worked perfectly for us.
They had a great time and had some good bonding time in the evening.
He’s been on a couple of residential trips with school since then and has been completely fine. Hardly slept but he was fine and enjoyed them both.

@FergusSingsTheBluess then it's a great plan. I would volunteer to help out in day too, they probably appreciate extra hands

Sounds a perfectly reasonable solution to me. My DD's school did this for a child with poorly controlled diabetes (requiring blood sugar checks at night). A great time was had by all.

Sounds like a sensible solution, my only “bigger picture” concern is that it doesn’t treat the root cause or help him to get over his issue

Good idea for this school residential but you can’t be doing this sort of thing forever

@FergusSingsTheBluess OP, please don’t listen to this one.
This is an opportunity for him to build his independence skills and he’ll be so proud when he does it.

Don’t help out during the day, @FergusSingsTheBluess. Let him go and take him back in the evening. Let him experience it fully without you there in the day.

He does not want to go. Why would you make him?

Because many are insistent he will benefit from the independence.

my stance is - this is too big for a lesson in independence and could really have a negative impact.

i think you arrange for a couple of friends around and you take them on an activity.

Apologies just read your update, Op. Ignore my previous post. I hope that you find an answer

My friend did this with her autistic daughter but she contacted the PGL place who actually had some twin rooms for this very purposed so she stayed onsite with her daughter at night and saved her paying out for an air b n b it worked well

I think that could potentially be very upsetting for other homesick kids. Whisking him away discreetly at a convenient moment could work, but the other children knowing he's on-site with his mum could be hard on some of them. Would mum be there all day too or joining them for mealtimes? She'd also need a full DBS check.

@justfiveminutes the difference being the op's child needs additional support due to his additional needs. He's not getting an advantage over the other children he's being appropriately supported so he can attend.

The thing with having a neuro diverse child is that their normal is not your normal. He may always need help or he may not. The op can not force that but she can work with him . The bonus here is he gets to have this experience in a way that's manageable to him. In the same way the other children have it in a way that's manageable to them. The two are not comparable.

I know. I just like op's idea of staying nearby and whisking away before bedtime better than having mum staying on-site. I can't help thinking of the impact on the other children, having done lots of these.

I’m not planning to stay on site 😂

Somewhere nearby

also worth remembering that ASD children are generally 1/3 younger than their chronological age so… would a 7 yo struggle? Probably yes.

@FergusSingsTheBluess yes my 7 yr old asd child is more like a 4/5 year old in many ways. It does make a difference.