AIBU for asking my partner to take time off from work to look after our children and I?

[Giraffle]

So I’m currently on maternity leave with a now 6 month old and a 3 year old. I’ve suffered severely with PND & PTSD and currently I’m finding being at home with the children extremely hard, to the point I leave the room multiple times on the day (children are safe, method suggested by HV) because I simply can’t cope.

I am career driven and I’m missing work. I was supposed to go back in April then July but finances just haven’t allowed it and partner wouldn’t swap as he technically has the potential to earn more monthly, though my wage is stable and more than what he has been earning each month due to Covid ruining the line of work he’s in. (He is commission based, I am salaried). Childcare would cost £1800 monthly even with tax free childcare, we earn to much for UC. I am able to go back in October as my 3 year old will get the 30 hours funding.

i have recently been suffering with extreme overwhelm and suicidal thoughts, I have been having complete breakdowns almost weekly and just crying non stop daily. I am in talking therapies and on medication and doing all I can to get better.

But, am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to take time off of work as compassionate leave to help me with the children?

Although he says work isn’t more important than me & the children, it does feel that way. he feels like he has to bring in the money despite me explain to him I need him at home at least for a short while whilst things adjust and I actively seek help. Anytime I have called him at work, or asked him to take the day off (usually after a mental breakdown) he simply says he has a busy day, or his schedule is full. He is a salesman and could pass on the deals to other people. I admire his ambition and dedication to work, and have never asked this of him before but right now I feel like I need help from him at home.

im starting to feel disconnected from him as I just feel completely drained of anything and don’t see the point anymore. A lot of the time I just feel he would be better off without me burdening him

Am I being unreasonable to just need help?

Does he know you're properly having breakdowns and feeling suicidal?! I can't believe he'd still say no and go to work if that's the case. Stop asking, start telling. You poor thing, I have a 5 year old and 7 month old and have no mental health issues but still struggle hugely some days. You're doing well keep going but yes YANBU.

He does know. I suffered PND with my first son (nowhere near this severely though) and asked that I tell him and talk to him so I do. I just feel like he’s not hearing me even when I explicitly say to him, I am overwhelmed, I can’t do this, I feel those thoughts creeping in, I need you at home, he say he’s here for me then the next morning rolls around I ask him to stay home and it’s just “I’m sorry you know I would but I’m really stacked at work” so I feel like I can’t ask him.

What happens if he just doesn’t go to work?
How will it affect his job and the money he currently brings home to pay your bills?
For many jobs it’s very difficult to just go home unless someone has been hospitalised.
It sounds like you are having a very rough time but it’s hard to know if you’re being completely fair to your DH.
Is there no one else who could support you during the day?

You need to call your GP/HV and make it clear you're in crisis and need to be referred for support urgently. You need a meeting with your DH where they clearly and forcefully explain how he needs to support you, you are in crisis. Cry, shout, do what it takes to show him clearly that bad things will happen if he keeps not taking you seriously.

And are there any meds you can go on? Anti depressants really got me out of a tough spot when I was spiraling and having intrusive thoughts.

@Smartiepants79 he like most people would be given compassionate and/or parental leave (since I’m not currently in a fit state to take care of our children). He does work in sales and being in work can lead to commission, but this hasn’t been the case since 2020 as they aren’t generating enough sales to earn the commission. He has the right intention of wanting to provide, but sometimes just being with someone and helping them physically is much more needed than money.

currently there isn’t anyone else to support me, the only people close is his dad who laughed after trying to open up and tell them I had spoken with a mental health nurse that day.

@HairyScaryMonster

all of these things are in place, I’m not sure if I made clear enough in my post, but I’m on antidepressants, speak with my team regularly, HV is putting more referrals through for me for the infant mental health team, and I am actively doing absolutely everything I can to get better. I just need help with the children on the days I can’t cope. Our childminder has them once every two weeks as that’s what we can afford, but she has tried herself to find any method of getting extra childcare help but it’s just not there until they reached three. Son just turned three last week so gets his funding in September.

Does he have any annual leave he could use?

If he was able to take one day off per week, perhaps a Wednesday to break up the week, would that help? Could he take it out of holiday time as, possibly, you are not well enough to go on holiday?

Just a thought.

@Ontomatopea unfortunately not as he’s just had time off and it’s accrued. He’s next booked off in October, that’s it’s all used then.

@Mosaic123 he has Wednesday off, but works the rest of the week. No holiday left as was used when son was born and in June

And if you think it will help your mental health and you want to could you go back to work a bit sooner or KIT days if you have them? It's nearly August now so it might just be a couple of weeks earlier by the time it's sorted out?

If you can, could you suck up the financial cost snd go back sooner? I had awful PND each time till I went back to work and had a.balance in my life again
Or could DH agree to pay for a day a week at nursery if he won't take time off?

Would you be able to afford an extra day with the childminder?

Also hang on in there, one step at a time, one minute at a time. I promise you that it won't be long and you will feel so much better and it will be hard to believe you have ever felt this low.

I’m not sure he would get compassionate leave or parental leave in the circumstances as you are not inpatient. And as bad as things are now, they’d be much worse on your MH if your income dropped even more due to him not working- either sacked or on unpaid leave. I don’t think he’s putting work before you, I think he’s just trying to keep the bills paid so you don’t all end up homeless.

Do you have any siblings or friends who could come and stay with you for a few weeks to help out?

My thoughts exactly. I think there may have to be a bit of a financial hit here for the long term benefit

When I was in your shoes and my (now ex) H refused to take time off , my psychiatrist wrote a letter explaining that I was close to being admitted to a mother and baby unit and needed family care, and this enabled my mum to get compassionate leave from work - I don't know if you have a friend or family member who might be able to do similar? Don't feel bad if you don't though. I just wanted you to know that compassionate leave may be an option for someone other than your husband if he is being rubbish.

I’m sorry OP, but I’m struggling to understand. You want him to take what would presumably be unpaid leave from work, which will mean a financial hit for your family. How would it be any worse to seek childcare for that time, or for you to go back to work?

If you’re finding it hard to be at home can you swap roles. You go back to work and he be a stay at home dad. There isn’t a set rule that it has to be you. I’m not sure his work would be happy or give him leave every tine you need him. If you are struggling that much I’d look into it.

If you're asking him to take unpaid leave be because you can't go back to work, you'll lose money anyway.

So why not "lose" that money on childcare and go back now?

What was the reason you couldn't go back to work in April or July as planned? You say "finances haven't allowed it"; is the cost now considerably more than it was when you originally made the plans?

Childcare prices may well have gone up in the last few months and certainly other things have, impacting your overall budget. But if the real issue is that he's not bringing in enough commissions to support the expenses you'd accounted for, it may be time for him to stay home for a bit (leave of absence, perhaps, until your additional funds come in?) and let you go back to your regular salary. Then the children have the care they need at home and you are away from your known stressors for a substantial part of the week. Plus it sounds like your regular salary is currently more on average than his fluctuating one.

That's provided being in work is something you can handle, though - I'm not sure about PND, but PTSD typically disrupts coping mechanisms across the board when you're newly dealing with it. Does your therapist support your going back to work?

If you return to work, would the child care costs exceed your net pay? If not just go back to work, the net financial benefit is irrelevant if it helps you

No not unreasonable and he should be helping , they are his children too and equally his responsibility

Childcare cost is equal to my pay, and I also have to give 8 weeks notice of return due to the nature of my role things have to be in place.

we had discussions of swapping roles but he felt he couldn’t do it. That what was supposed to happen in both april and July.

PTSD is long standing of 10 years, but exacerbated by my current PND.

We would get financial support if he was off through UC, our HV has explained this to him (as I’m currently only on the SMP). it’s not something we’ve ever used but feel like that’s exactly what it’s meant for.

fromt he responses of “need to be hospitalised before compassionate leave is given” I’ve basically got to attempt to take my own life before it’s considered? Surely that can’t be the case? I’ve been told I would be hospitalised unless I made an attempt.

Sorry but following your response he’s to blame. He needs to step up and support them so you go back to work. He quite happily went to bed with you knowing you suffered after 1 child and then made a 2nd . He needs to step up and look after them now. Please don’t plan any more kids with him until this is sorted out and you are better. He’s an absolute joke.