AIBU for asking my partner to take time off from work to look after our children and I?

[Giraffle]

So I’m currently on maternity leave with a now 6 month old and a 3 year old. I’ve suffered severely with PND & PTSD and currently I’m finding being at home with the children extremely hard, to the point I leave the room multiple times on the day (children are safe, method suggested by HV) because I simply can’t cope.

I am career driven and I’m missing work. I was supposed to go back in April then July but finances just haven’t allowed it and partner wouldn’t swap as he technically has the potential to earn more monthly, though my wage is stable and more than what he has been earning each month due to Covid ruining the line of work he’s in. (He is commission based, I am salaried). Childcare would cost £1800 monthly even with tax free childcare, we earn to much for UC. I am able to go back in October as my 3 year old will get the 30 hours funding.

i have recently been suffering with extreme overwhelm and suicidal thoughts, I have been having complete breakdowns almost weekly and just crying non stop daily. I am in talking therapies and on medication and doing all I can to get better.

But, am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to take time off of work as compassionate leave to help me with the children?

Although he says work isn’t more important than me & the children, it does feel that way. he feels like he has to bring in the money despite me explain to him I need him at home at least for a short while whilst things adjust and I actively seek help. Anytime I have called him at work, or asked him to take the day off (usually after a mental breakdown) he simply says he has a busy day, or his schedule is full. He is a salesman and could pass on the deals to other people. I admire his ambition and dedication to work, and have never asked this of him before but right now I feel like I need help from him at home.

im starting to feel disconnected from him as I just feel completely drained of anything and don’t see the point anymore. A lot of the time I just feel he would be better off without me burdening him

Am I being unreasonable to just need help?

Going back to work was a huge part of my recovery from PND. If work is so stressful compared to bring at home all day with tiny kids, why aren't men falling over themselves to spend more time at home? We all know the answer, which is that most jobs are actually less stressful than early years childcare.

My own job is not stressful, and allowed me to sit at a lovely quiet desk all day having tea and toilet visits whenever I fancied them. Men seem to prefer this kind of day, even in high pressure work environments.

I was also on anti depressants, which worked brilliantly, but going back to work gave me my life back and was worth every penny in childcare.

He sounds absolutely useless. What does he earn? Doesn't seem much yet he's acting like the 'big man' with his important sales job that doesn't even pay commission 🤔bizarre. You need to speak plainly to him - I've given my 8 weeks notice to go back to work so that's happening on X date. I've taken out a 0% credit card for X amount to cover some costs whilst you're off with the children whilst I try and get better - just to be clear if I don't get better asap I may not be here at all in the future then you'll be a full time dad anyway without me and won't be able to work!

You can do this - be firm and clear and stop giving him leeway. Please don't have anymore children with this man.

Can he book in for a vasectomy and use medical leave to recover from that but still be around and able to help ?

Yes he needs to step up more than he is. What other forms of leave could he take?

Wishing you all the best OP

That’s how it was for my DH when I had a PTSD breakdown which then caused psychotic depression. And his compassionate leave ended the day I was discharged from the secure mental health hospital despite me being in no way fit to work or even safe to care for our 4 DC alone. My brother ended up flying out to stay with us and help me and the DC.

UC isn’t much, and if you can’t afford even a child minder an extra day a month, can you afford to live on UC and SMP without defaulting on your rent or mortgage? (Or other bills). Are jobs easy or hard to come by in your DHs field at his current rate of pay? Or would resigning and going on UC make him unemployable or under-employable?

How do you feel about trying to work in your current state? Lots of posters seem to think work will cure your PTSD and PND. I know work can’t cure PTSD from experience.

It sounds like you both need to look at your job set up…

there is something amiss if he is always working hard, in back to back meeting etc but isn’t earning any commission
either the company is crap, or he is a crap salesman but either way, it sounds pretty pointless for him to continue in the role

And if you are very career driven, you should be earning more than just above minimum wage for full time work that doesn’t sound very flexible

Do you know anyone who could give you both some career advice?

I too wonder how much your dh does at home. If he cared, even if he felt he couldn’t take time off work he would be coming home cooking dinner while watching kids and getting them to bed- basically the norm for a single mum who works anyway (not saying it’s easy but it’s doable for a healthy adult) and you get that time off except perhaps for feeding the baby. If he’s not doing that then he doesn’t care, adn you really should just say flatly to him I know you could stay home and help but you choose not to, and I love you less every day that you opt out of being a dad and husband when you’re needed, because you are lazy and selfish.

I've never worked in sales but had thought that he's worried about his job too. Op says they're not generating enough sales to earn commission so taking time off might be unwise. Not that that helps the OPs situation. I don't know what the answer is there.

Go back to work, even if you are working for virtually nothing as it will save your MH.

I wouldn't rush back to work; you may think it will help but you need to deal with the PND first. It doesn't simply go away just because you return to work.

YAB a little bit U in the sense that you want him to be the only earner whilst you’re on mat leave and to not go to work sometimes to support you at home. I appreciate that you’re stuck because he doesn’t want to be a SAHD but I can see why the only earner isn’t thrilled at the prospect of not earning and relying on benefits instead.

You need to have an honest conversation about the future and how you’re both going to work. He’s being U for not wanting to have that conversation, for sure.

And lastly I know this will sound unkind but I wouldn’t have any more children right now. You’ve clearly got far too much on your plate as it is. I hope things get easier for you.

To answer the most asked questions,

He is really helpful when he is home, he will cook dinner, and put one of the kids to bed while to do the other. It’s not that I think he a bad person or that I don’t understand his predicament, because I do under the stress he is under. But it’s more that once in a while if I need help.

he’s had a vasectomy and we’re not having more children, I suffered horrible pregnancies both time which is the main cause of my PND. I was told this time I should not have any more children as my body couldn’t physically cope, and was supposed to be sterilised during my C-section but the surgeon on the day said no (surgeon before said yes).

Work wise the 8 weeks is the week before I go back anyway so that wouldn’t work, there is no room for movement on that 8 weeks it’s a set period of time to reinstate passes and accounts as I work in a field of high security.

i don’t know, I guess I’m just struggling a lot and I agree with some people maybe there just isn’t a way to sort this.

and partner wouldn’t swap as he technically has the potential to earn more monthly,

You're going to need to go to work then, can you go back part time.

He is an arse though if you have told him you need to go back for the sake of your health and he isn't doing anything to help

Maybe you could both work part time? You'd have more coming in due to tax etc

It sounds like you’re both doing your best and taken lots of steps to manage the situation. You should give yourself credit for that.
It’s just 8 more weeks and then you can get back to doing something that will make you feel more like your old self.
it might feel like a long time when you’re in the thick of it but it will pass and things will change and improve.

having seen your update, OP, i think you need to focus on the 8 weeks and try to get a routine going so that it doesn't all feel so awful.

Good luck, i absolutely dreaded being at home with my DCs and it was a blessed relief to get back to the office.

Is there any way you can assume the extra cost until October and just get back to work? It sounds like you really need to work (I totally understand you and this is really valid). And of course your partner needs to help out.