AIBU for asking my partner to take time off from work to look after our children and I?

[Giraffle]

So I’m currently on maternity leave with a now 6 month old and a 3 year old. I’ve suffered severely with PND & PTSD and currently I’m finding being at home with the children extremely hard, to the point I leave the room multiple times on the day (children are safe, method suggested by HV) because I simply can’t cope.

I am career driven and I’m missing work. I was supposed to go back in April then July but finances just haven’t allowed it and partner wouldn’t swap as he technically has the potential to earn more monthly, though my wage is stable and more than what he has been earning each month due to Covid ruining the line of work he’s in. (He is commission based, I am salaried). Childcare would cost £1800 monthly even with tax free childcare, we earn to much for UC. I am able to go back in October as my 3 year old will get the 30 hours funding.

i have recently been suffering with extreme overwhelm and suicidal thoughts, I have been having complete breakdowns almost weekly and just crying non stop daily. I am in talking therapies and on medication and doing all I can to get better.

But, am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to take time off of work as compassionate leave to help me with the children?

Although he says work isn’t more important than me & the children, it does feel that way. he feels like he has to bring in the money despite me explain to him I need him at home at least for a short while whilst things adjust and I actively seek help. Anytime I have called him at work, or asked him to take the day off (usually after a mental breakdown) he simply says he has a busy day, or his schedule is full. He is a salesman and could pass on the deals to other people. I admire his ambition and dedication to work, and have never asked this of him before but right now I feel like I need help from him at home.

im starting to feel disconnected from him as I just feel completely drained of anything and don’t see the point anymore. A lot of the time I just feel he would be better off without me burdening him

Am I being unreasonable to just need help?

You used to be able to take parental leave no questions asked when our kids were young. He needs to do something. Take leave I don't know something. It's a serious situation he seems to hope it will just get better somehow/ or it's not his problem etc.

Oh sorry just seen he said he can't get any time off unless you get hospitalised.

He's not really interested in this is he, looking for ways to get things better as a family, is he.

All the best and positivity op.

How much does your DH do when he comes home? On his day off? If he takes over from you completely with the kids at those times and there are financial constraints then there’s not much point in asking him to stay off work unless it’s an emergency.

If he still expects you to deal with the childcare when he’s finished work, or expects to go off by himself, then he needs a talking to. Until you go back to work he needs to help you get through the crisis.
It’s a bit too convenient that he is in a job that requires long hours six days a week, especially if it’s unproductive. However, if he’s been in the industry a while it can be scary to try to do things differently, and he probably sees the current situation as temporary whereas his job is more long term.

Either way, you can ask him but you can’t make him, so you need to look for alternative sources of support.
Can you ask anyone you know to just come and sit with you for a bit until you get through? Any other mums, a neighbor, an old friend, that kind of thing?
People do like to help and rally round. Go through your contact list and get in touch with people, even for an online video chat.
Most people understand how tough things can get and would hate to think that someone is struggling when they could have done something to help.
It can be difficult to summon up the energy but do reach out.

His dad may be uncomfortable with the idea of talking about mental health issues but you can still ask him to do a specific task like take his grandchild out for an hour or something.

This time will pass and it will get much easier. You’ll look back and wonder how it seemed to last so long when really it’s just a few weeks!

Oh, and ask your DH to get the snip so you don’t end up having to cope with this situation again.

He should be able to get emergancy un paid dependents leave? I find it hard to belive he works a 6 day week and he can't get any time off. Has he even asked his manager?

And wishing you the very best OP. Keep on keeping on, it will slowly lift.

I would take out a loan for 1k and put your children with a local childminder two afternoons a week. You need a break now not in October

I personally don't think you heading back to work will help, sadly.
The mornings, evenings and ultimately nighttimes will still be just as hard if not, harder.

I think the reality is, you taking a sabbatical from your job which will give you time to get help, adjust medications if needed, keep up to date with appointments and find a good routine for your little ones.
If you do, then you'll be able to claim UC ( I'd assume ).
But, in all honesty if you're struggling as severe as you say day care and free nursery hours will only be helpful if you're able to juggle everything.

I think you'd be better trying to get into a routine, find groups, baby classes and keep up with your HV and mental health team visits.
If you throw yourself back into work now, will you honestly be able to cope with the added stress?

I hope you're able to find a happy medium.

Oh, and making sure your DH truly hears you!
Get him involved in their routine. He take bath times whilst you go for a long walk.
You do dinner while he entertains the little ones.
Allocate night feeds/wakes/changes.
Get him to take the 3 YO to a swim lesson or park for an hour a week.

Reality is if he's not helping you now, going back to work will not be any easier.

Yep sorry you’re going through this Op- I do appreciate why your husband though as the sole bread winner doesn’t jump at the idea of unpaid leave.

how much does he do when home/ weekends. Do you think some rest bite then would make the rest of the time feel more manageable?

I’ve managed someone in a very similar situation. They were given dependents leave on an ad hoc basis, if there was a crisis that day/week. But it’s not meant as a long term option and for my employer there are only supposed to be a small amount used per year (I can’t remember the exact amount but I think it was 3-5 single days). In the end he had to have a flexible working plan to condense his hours to 4 days and if he needed leave outside of that it was annual leave or unpaid.

Do you have other family that can support? Or his him reducing his hours an option?

Childcare cost is equal to my pay, and I also have to give 8 weeks notice of return due to the nature of my role things have to be in place.

If childcare is equal to your pay, would it help to go back to work? Work is more than finances - if it does your mental health good to be out of the house, away from the kids, talking with adults, mind on other things etc then it’s worth it, isn’t it?

OP, will you be able to manage the pressure of work & homelife if you're experiencing a breakdown now? I am afraid that returning to work will actually make it more unbearable for you. Especially, as you're not receiving help from your partner.

Do you have family who can help and break up the monotony of the day for you? Get in touch with your local branch Home start They have trained home visitors who help families with children under 5 in situations just like yours.

MINDFUL Mums which is a group run for mums by MIND, the mental health charity is another good one. You are assigned a caseworker who you meet with weekly.

If you can arrange visits with these two organisations then that's 2 days out of 5 accounted for. Can you claim the 30 free childcare hours now for your 3 Yr old & put them in nursery?

Could you get a 'Mother's help' to come in and help you with the children part-time? Could your DP work from home at all?

He’s an absolute joke.

He's possibly fearful of his losing his job. You can see the posters who have never worked in Sales!

Childcare cost is equal to my pay, and I also have to give 8 weeks notice of return due to the nature of my role things have to be in place.

If childcare is equal to your pay, you may as well go back to work. Give them your notice to return this morning. You won't be financially better off, but you won't be worse off either.

If it will help your mental health, go back!

Can you return part time?

www.mind.org.uk/

I think this is worth exploring

If childcare would cost you 1800 a month, could you, as an alternative, find a home help or nanny several mornings a week.

It would cost less, give you the help you need and some company.

At the same time, give notice now that you will be returning to work ASAP, so they can get prepared.

If your DH' company is not bringing in enough sales to justify commission being paid, I can understand why he does not want to take parenting leave, if at all possible. He may be worried for the security of his job.

Working in sales can be hard and dependant on the environment some have high churn rates, you don’t perform and you are out. Taking additional time off may be the difference between staying above threshold or not having a job.

plus regladless of gender being a sole earner can be very stressful and you feel everything is reliant on you, you can feel like you have to prioritise work otherwise everyone will have nothing.

for me I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I also can see why things are like they are.

I think a few things need to happen,

you need to go to gp and get help for yourself. You also both need to sit down and look at things either about new job for him, and also looking at the non financial issues around work, ie your mental health about not working.

Also to the person above helping when he comes back and weekends shouldn’t be the default.

being a home with a young child is stressful and it’s natural to want to get a break when the partner comes back, however same partner has just been at work and will also need a break. When DS was young we tag teamed, some days of the week I passed DS to husband when he got in, others I didn’t so he could kick back. However we talked so if either had had a rough time we would have a quick convo make sure everyone was as okay as possible then pass DS over but neither of us took the p with it.

OP I don’t think we have enough info about what’s being done at home by your partner to say if he’s not doing enough to help there, but based on what you have out I think that’s secondary to making sure you get thr medical support you need, and then it goes back to thr first part of my post and assess the working situations of both of you.

If your salary will cover childcare go back to work now. If you really think it will help your mental health it will be worth it. It’s just for a couple of year till they get free hours.

Are there other ways your partner can support you in the meantime eg when he gets home from work he completely takes over so you have a few hours at the end of the day to recover, or he could use up some annual leave 1 day a week so you get a regular break.

Also have you tried medication? Having regular therapy? Books eg ‘The Body Keeps the Score’? The problem here is your PTSD and PND so that’s what needs to be managed and treated. Your partner giving up work isn’t suddenly going to cure you.

Give your notice that you want to go back to work and ask your employer if you can return early. Being in over the summer when there’s holiday could be very helpful to them. Even if they say no then having done it might make you feel better. Put the children in more childcare, it’s worth the financial outlay to help your PND etc.

Childcare cost is equal to my pay, and I also have to give 8 weeks notice of return due to the nature of my role things have to be in place.

it is about so much more than the cost of childcare. If you going back and the cost of childcare doesn't leave you financially (much) worse off, it is completely worth its weight in gold in terms of your mental health. And in your shoes it is the route I'd be going down -with or without his "permission"

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP - I hugely sympathise and, while I understand your DPs position, it sounds like he's just not understanding the extent of your need to have him at home. Are you able to go back to work early? Do you think that would help or would it just add to your mental load? I think what you need to do is sit down with your husband and have a very serious conversation and not leave until he understands. I know that sounds easier than it is but if you could go in with some ammunition and try and be really firm with him hopefully you can get him to understand. Sometimes it can help to make an "appointment" so he doesn't feel sideswiped by the conversation.
In terms of ammunition- we'll cold hard figures about how you can earn more would help. Also would you be able to get shared parental leave as your baby is still so young? If not any parent is entitled to unpaid parental leave. If you genuinely can't afford that, is there anyone in the family who might be able to loan or give you money to help? Or is there any way you can make cut backs on spending to try abs make it affordable? Whatever you do, you need to do something and unfortunately it's going to have to be you who makes him understand the severity of the situation. Good luck

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Sort out the childcare now and go back to work now, start the process today and you can have a countdown in place by end of the week even if it takes 8 weeks to sort. It doesn't matter if that makes you even £500 worse off each month as long as you are happier that way. Your DH ought to be helping facilitate this, but if he won't then your option is to leave him and do it on your own - so exactly the same steps. By all means figure out if you can forgive him once things are settled, but for now focus on the steps to help yourself.