AIBU about wedding buffet.

[HappyDays40]

Long story short my sister gets married soon, all on a shoe string but has advised she has decided that people need to buy their own post- wedding meal from the pub after. It is up to her but my mum said that she will help her out with food costs. I have told her that will agree to a buffet rather than a sit down meal our parents and I will pay the cost as a wedding present ( we can't afford to pay for sit down meals for 30 people).

She has spat her dummy out and said she wanted a sit down meal. I told her she needs to be a bit more grateful. I had a three course sit down dinner at my wedding and she thinks I should pay for something similar (with our parents contributing too). The things is we both earn a similar amount I paid for all my wedding costs and had no additional money from parents. I saved and paid, she thinks I'm being mean with my money.
I'm partly feeling like telling her to piss of altogether but know that our parents will pay the full costs. Please tell your stories of unbelievable ungrateful bridezillas!

I get the frustration but as long as guests know I don't see the issue - they can choose not to attend

@Wexone

Buffets aren't uncommon in the U.K. and are normal in the USA. Much prefer a good buffet to mediocre table service of dried up chicken. Hog roasts and bbq's are common here

@Butchyrestingface that is not the case. My mum and dad can't afford to pay for the sit down meal my mum and dad and I could afford to pay half each for cost of a buffet but she expects us to pay full cost of sit down meal.

A friend of mine got married on a budget, 20 years ago. Due to financial constraints, she asked everyone to bring a dish for a buffet in a church hall and there was no booze, just fruit juice. Later everyone moved on to a pub and bought their own drinks. I was on board with all of this until I found out she’d paid over £2,500 for her dress (like I say, 20 years ago).

This always felt a bit tight. I’d got married a few months before and saved for years to have a lovely sit-down reception with wine for everyone. And my dress was £700.

Sorry but I would also be withdrawing the offer and tell her to sort it out herself. Asking people to pay for themselves is just going to make her look like a right cheapskate.

Has she paid any of her own costs otherwise?

It is totally unreasonable of her to invite guests to travel from England to Ireland for a wedding and then to either have a buffet or pay for their own pub meal. I am Irish, living abroad and got married in Ireland. Is she having guests from Ireland too? This is not likely to be common there either. Perhaps she and her future husband should run the idea past her in laws...

I think she is being unreasonable to put pressure on your mother to pay. Maybe you and your Mum could pay for family guests for your side of the family... but that would also be very odd.

I voted unreasonable because I’ve no idea how it went from her happily getting folks to paying for their own meal to her demanding you buying everyone a sit down, how very odd. It would be fine for folks to pay their own and really it’s not relevant what you had. She isn’t you.

I don’t think it is fine to ask people to travel that far and pay for accommodation then also stump up for the meal. The bridge/groom are providing zero hospitality? Nobody will come to that.

“I don’t think it is fine to ask people to travel that far and pay for accommodation then also stump up for the meal. The bridge/groom are providing zero hospitality? Nobody will come to that.”

^I agree. She sounds like a complete cheapskate and spoilt princess.

@ChateauMargaux what on earth is wrong with a buffet? I love a decent buffet at a wedding. It's much the best option I think.

Totally agree that offering no hospitality is unreasonable though.

Really interesting all the different attitudes to weddings on this thread. I think anyone should be allowed to get married and have a celebration, whether they're rich or poor or whatever. I wouldn't imagine getting annoyed at having to pay for my own meal- I am there to celebrate their marriage, not for a free meal! If people don't want to go/can't afford that, then they don't go.
It's so sad that people spend so much money on one day at the very start of their married life- I'd rather pay for a pub meal and know that they can afford a honeymoon/investment in their future.

OP, I think it was a kind offer you made, but maybe a bit insensitive- Your DSis said she wanted her guests to have a sit down meal and was going to ask people to pay their own way, and your offer could be construed as judging that decision. It's a bit like if you offered to pay for her dress, but then said that she had to have a certain type of dress. Though I do get that this was not your intention.

When is the wedding exactly?

Let your sister know that I've just declined a wedding invitation where the cheeky fucker bride expected me to pay for my meal. Not only did she expect a £100 pp for the meal, she also wanted cash separately as a gift. I know that 20 people have declined to attend so far.......

I think a local pub meal people may understand (but it’s not something I could do - if I couldn’t afford to provide food and drinks then I’d keep the wedding small - close family for example). But you can’t honestly think it’s ok to expect people to spend hundreds on travel and accommodation then pay for their meal too?

I agree with most others that in this case you just withdraw your offer to pay for food at all.

It’s up to her to decide what she wants, and pay for it (unless someone offers something by she’s happy to accept)

However, in general terms, I think it’s rude to invite people to an overseas wedding and expect them to pay their own way. If you can’t afford much, you decrease the numbers. I think the starting point is to pay for the nicest food you can for guests, and then cut your cloth accordingly for things like dress, flowers, photography which aren’t part of being hospitable.

Not spend what money you have on yourself and then expect guests to sub you.

Let's be simple.

She can't afford to pay for everyone's meals, it's her wedding. She can request they can pay for their own meals and I'm sure anyone who wants to attend the wedding will.

You offered a buffet as a gift. She said no. She doesn't want a buffet. Perhaps her rudeness was uncalled for - all she has to say was no thanks - it's not how she sees her wedding.

She sounds too spoilt and immature to be getting married. If she wants something, she needs to save for it. If that takes 5 years, she gets married in 5 years. Nobody owes her anything. Ughh.

So you saved and paid for your own wedding, and now she is expecting you to save up and pay for (what is usually the most expensive) part of her wedding too?

What is her justification for that other than she doesnt want to save up herself and do it?

“I paid for my own wedding, you ungrateful twat. Forget it, my present offer is no longer on the table. You’ll be getting a gravy boat instead.”

That oughta do it.

Let her do it her way! You’ve made a kind offer but it’s not what she wants. So you gracefully back off and let her get on with it. You might think your solution is the best, but it’s not your wedding.

Not sure what's wrong with a buffet, personally prefer a good mix of picky food something for everyone.
OP as the wedding isn't until next year surely there's time for her and HTB to save a few pounds and maybe do a deal with the pub by way of arranging a set price per head for a sit down meal for 30 guests, taking into account the economy so stuff a few extra quid away.
If she's stressed now I dread to think what she'll be like nearer the time.

@HappyDays40 Wedding stress can sometimes bring out the inner gremlin, can't it? My dear friend, who is usually so placid and chill about everything, threw the biggest fit I have ever seen when her poor mum ordered the wrong colour roses for her bouquet (pale pink instead of warm pink) and even though all it would take was calling the florist to explain the mishap, she ranted and raved like it was the end of the world! We all laugh about it now, but at the time it was a bit mad!

I can only imagine the stress of trying to organise a wedding while living overseas from friends and family and the added pressure that must cause for everything to be perfect because people are travelling for the event, and maybe the whole sit-down meal vs buffet thing was just the last straw.

And maybe your mum is overcompensating a bit because she isn't able to physically be in Ireland to help plan the wedding directly? My mum lives on the South coast of England and I am based in Manchester and when I was planning my wedding (although it was tiny and we were travelling down to have it with friends and family in our hometown) she took on so much! She had a huge Etsy shopping basket with about twenty cake toppers in there because she couldn't decide which one, and ended up calling me in tears because she'd wanted it to be a surprise but couldn't handle the pressure. Weddings are wonderful celebrations, but they can feel like a lot for everyone involved.

She is being ridiculous and very rude. Very unreasonable to invite people and then get them to pay for their own meals.

A buffet is the sensible option (and often much nicer than a sit down meal). If she wants a sit down meal she needs to scale back the number of guests.

agree with pp who said she doesn’t sound mature enough to get married at all.

@Hana89 it is totally out if character for her. I'm not sure where my quirky, cool, kind geeky sister is. She has currently been transplanted with a bridezilla. I feel sorry for my mum I think it's hard on her as she was a little more involved in planning mine, it was a bit DIY so she kindly made my cake but I paid for it all. My mum feels its competition but she earns more than me but I'm better saver. My wedding was very small so I could afford thin. My sister wants bigger but still a sit down meal. I've offered her the cost of buffet I thought about £200 towards what she wants but she feels like it won't be enough.
I know we will laugh about it in the future and I'm not going to go all diva like on her despite her rudeness.... we have ridden worse storms than this.
I just know the people who are going all that way will expect some sort of food so probably wouldn't attend if they had to fork out for food too.
I want her to have people to share her day so no matter what happens I'm not waltzing off on my offer but it's her choice.

I am remembering all the kindness and time she has had for me over the years she has had an awful time with and ex (abusive relationship) so I want her to have a good day with guests.

@HappyDays40 That is really lovely of you. Our weddings sound a little similar - my wedding was very small and we paid for everything (except the cake topper which mum bought because she was making the cake)

The pressure some people feel to have a "fairy tale" wedding is immense and I do think it can push people into behaviour they would never normally dream of. I wanted a small, fun wedding and got my dress from Lindy Bop for £37 which is a bit too far the other way probably, but we were saving for a house and the wedding was just meant to be symbolic and fun, nothing terribly swish.

I really hope your sister can find a nice compromise between her vision and the reality of it all and maybe she can use the £200 you have generously offered and put it toward a sit down meal if she absolutely has her heart set on it. Every little helps when budgets are tight and I'm sure it will be a lovely day in the end 💕