Sunday night work blues.. I'm in floods of tears

[itsoneofthosethings]

I posted recently regarding how unhappy I feel with work.

I got back from a weeks holiday on Friday, and the entire way through the holiday and over this weekend, I've been feeling seriously down and depressed.

I do have anxiety, I take medication for it. But the way im feeling right now is just another level.

I can't even decide what it is that's making me feel so low. As soon as I think about work, going back, seeing the colleagues I work with, I just break down in tears. Im shaking, feel sick, I just can't stop crying.

DP doesn't understand it, said there's no possible way I could be depressed.. I've got 'everything' I could ever want. This is really not about what I have and haven't got. Im seriously struggling, feeling extremely low, and I don't know where to turn to. I can't see a way out.

I've considered quitting work tomorrow with immediate effect; even though I know it's a stupid thing to do, just because I can't face the thought of going in. I've been swooped so low as to 'hope' I get admitted into hospital or similar so I've got a valid reason not to have to go in. This is so unlike me I can't recognise how I'm feeling.

I don't know what to do. I just can't stop crying. I think it stems from frustrating, micromanaging emails from a colleague at EXACTLY the same working level as me in my office, the entire time I've been away. I don't feel like I've had a break, and I'm struggling with asserting myself in the workplace so also fully aware I get completely walked all over. I just don't know what to do.

Done, not fine

There are some really lovely replies to your posts OP. Practical advice which others have suggested is please be open and honest with your manager about this. Saying it with vulnerability will be welcomed, I am a manager and I would be really open to this feedback about another staff member and would try and work with you to find a solution.

More generally though, reading your posts I did also want to say I would try and get an appointment with your doctor to explore the possibility this is more than just anxiety and maybe a touch of depression too. Some of the things you say about having it all yet not feeling yourself and having never felt this kind of feeling before warrant looking in to further.

Sending you so many positive Sunday eve vibes, remember - everything is worse at night x

So I'm already on fluoxetine for anxiety but how I'm feeling is just a completely different level.
DP doesn't understand, says I can't just up and leave (of course!) and that I've got everything I could wish for.

Tried to speak to my mum, but she can't deal with it all right now.

I just feel so incredibly alone and I have absolutely nowhere to turn. I don't want to cause an issue at work as we are such a small team (4 total) and I'm often alone in the office with the colleague causing issues. I struggle hugely with 'atmosphere' and pick up on shifts in atmosphere hugely.. probably anxiety based.. but it makes me feel so uncomfortable and makes me feel even worse as a result.

It's awful. I can't describe how I feel. All I come across as is spoilt, selfish, self absorbed, just awful. I'm sure I do.
My partner doesn't understand, he's lovely but this is just beyond him. I couldn't possibly leave without a job lined up, I couldn't afford to.
I've also got my wedding in 40-something days and so that's on the horizon too.
It's just all come at once.

I'm sick of crying and ruining my evening when the colleague in question is probably having a lovely one without sparing even so much as a thought about me.

You need to up your meds.
Are you taking them consistently?

I want to gently say that your reaction seems very, very strong and an over reaction to this situation. You feel there is an 'atmosphere', but may well be projecting how you feel. I would second the idea of referring yourself to an IAPT service as this sounds like an anxiety problem, but also feel you need to discuss your situation with HR or your boss. It seems like some work on anxiety management and assertiveness could be very helpful to you

Can you afford a private counsellor, av £40/50/hr?

I don't know maybe I am over-reacting. But this isn't the first time the colleague in question has caused me to feel this way. She does often say things t my face also, when I'm in the office; along with emails etc. I'm just not happy I don't think. I can't put my finger on why.

I couldn't afford private counselling

You had very good practical advice on your other thread. You need to understand that you have nothing to lose by just talking honestly to your colleague, it is the only way. The world won’t end, you will be fine. Just talk to her. Some things are uncomfortable in life, it is normal.

I think actually this is everyone's worst work nightmare, that the person who used to do the job you now do is still lurking around. Maybe she wishes she still had it, but she certainly feels protective over it. But as time goes by she won't even be the expert anymore as things change, so this has to stop.

I'd be talking to my manager and asking whose job it is and saying that you can't deal with the ex role holder watching over you.

Honestly I wish it was easy for me to just speak how I feel but I really struggle to. I don't have any assertiveness whatsoever. I know and am fully aware that I'm walked all over constantly. I just wish people would treat me the way I treat them. I don't know what I do so wrong

As soon as there's a shift in atmosphere or dynamic I really struggle with it. If I were in a large setting with plenty of others to break up the atmosphere I may find it easier. But 2-4 days a week I am with colleague alone in the office all day. I would find that really hard if there were an atmosphere..

I am fully aware I probably need to bite the bullet and grow up

The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any.

Some people view life as a game of fish. Bigger fish eat the smaller ones. You're letting her "eat" you. Things won't change until you make them. You'll have this in every workplace you go to. You can't run away from it but learn to deal with it and make it stop.

I’ve felt similar OP, in fact I felt like it for years and it slowly ate away at me, similar small company. I’m lucky my DH though was supportive and we have savings as after a particularly bad incident I handed in my notice. Honestly best thing I ever did. I was very lucky and found a job within 4 weeks so was only out of work for 2. My new job is not the most exciting but it’s worlds apart and made a huge difference to my mental health.

can you look on indeed to see what the job market is like in your area?

The world would be a lovely place if we treated others as we wish to be treated but unfortunately its a horrible place at times where people break the rules and cheat to get ahead and screw you over.

Try and get a gp appointment. Tell them how you feel. Get a sick note for weeks. Use that time to get your CV up to date. Change your LinkedIn settings to looking for work. Resign. No job is worth that much stress.

Part of this is thst you need to set and maintain strict boundaries. For a start get the app off your personal phone. It’s making you I’ll.

im not in the least excusing her but you can manage it differently to get some respite which might at least help a little bit with how you feel.

i sure you need to talk to your manager too.

Finally if you’re at the point of quitting with immediate effect use that sick note. Stat pay is better than nothing, it will only help if you do the first too though.

I really hope you find a way through it all.

I just honestly wish I could be ruthless and speak my mind, or even just to have more confidence in myself and my abilities so that I could see her emails or hear her comments and let them go over my head. But they all eat away at me.

I would write down all the things that she is doing and saying that is making you anxious. Ask for a meeting with your manager. Give them this information, ask them how you can work together to improve the situation. It doesn't matter that it appears she has covered her back. She is grinding you down and it's not your job to let her. Let them know if it continues then you will have to leave. You need to speak up and let people know what's happening. You will feel better knowing that you are making steps to improve the situation, even if you need to change jobs in the end.
I agree with GP to review meds.

OP you are reiterating what you do at the moment and if that is all you do, things will not get better. Some CBT or counselling through your local IAPT program could help improve your anxiety and increase your assertiveness skills. For one annoying co-worker to have such an impact on you shows that, as difficult as that person is, you have a need for some skills development. As for the atmosphere - being able to deal with conflict is a necessary skill for all adults. If the other person makes it difficult, you can get support from your line manager.

There will always be some sort of stress though, it is a part of life, and you can’t have a sick note or change jobs everytime. You really do need to learn how to handle people like this, because there is one in every work place. This is an over reaction in a situation that is no doubt unpleasant but not unusual either and can probably be resolved quite easily. A part of life.

I felt like this once, I was getting bullied by a member of staff. I was only 18, she was in her 40's and thought she could treat me like crap. I told my manager and she had a word with her but it soon went back to how it was. I cried, felt sick every morning. One day I just quit right there and then. I had debt I couldn't afford to do that but I did for my own sanity. Luckily I got another job very soon after. I wish u all the best I know how u r feeling x

OP, gently, nothing is going to change if you don't do something differently. I know what it's like to feel scared and stuck and cry all the time but the only person who can change that is you.

You've had loads of good advice her but I would suggest:

1. Go back to your doctor and explain how low you feel so they can refer you for counselling or adjust your medication
2. Talk to your manager to explain that you handed over to x, but y keeps emailing you about your work, with negative comments and criticism. Explain how y's emails have made you feel, and ask that your manager has a word with her. Explain you would prefer that x or another member of your team covers you on leave in future but not y.
3. If nothing changes, look for a new job.

I know that only I can change the situation. On reflection it probably isn't something anybody else is aware of as I really do keep my feelings inside. I need to learn how to become more assertive, but struggle with it hugely