Partner out until 6am disagreement

[Ljh89]

I don’t think it’s acceptable to have regular nights out until 6/7am with a child, especially a baby under 1 (do this in your 20’s!!). Am I being completely unreasonable to say this, honesty pls? Bare in mind this is on top of working in the office 4 days a week, wanting to go for work drinks every now and then, playing cricket 2/3 times a week and wanting to be able to have a “normal” social life AS WELL as every month/two months going out until 6/7am. It’s something he’s always done and I want it to stop! Am I the only one going through this?! Should I leave him?

No I wouldn't find it acceptable. Were they always like this ?

No this is juvenile crap OP I'm sorry....
Unacceptable yes.
Leaving him? Only you can decide this but if this sort of behaviour is repeated (surely you've raised this pre-kids?) then yes it's something to consider.
I think a major difference on threads like this is of it's planned. Overnight occasional night out ? Maybe...
But if it's a case of not letting you know before then nooo I'd lose my mind....

How much child free time do you get to have?

So he wants to continue as he did before pre child and you have to suck it up.

Not for me I am afraid, he would be out of the door unless he was willing to be an equal partner

He’s being a thoughtless, juvenile arse.
Try laying down some new rules for how a partnership with baby works, and that you being a SAHM doesn’t mean he acts like a single bloke.
You shouldn’t have to state the obvious, but did you talk about this before you had a child? If not, then you either make him face the new reality or he leaves.
What did you do before child, whilst he was playing cricket and stuff?

Completely unacceptable once you have kids. They’re not your sole responsibility, he should be helping, not acting as though he were single. Arsehole.

Couple of things here:

• he’s always been the kind of person to go out until that hour, he’s massively cut down since we have been together (3 years)


• im not really like that I never have been


• its happened 6/7 times now, planned and unplanned


• hes a great father very very supportive and equal (apart from these situations)


• has said this time he is willing to change and stop those nights because of the risk of losing our daughter due to me hating when he does this

it breaks my heart and fills me with guilt to think of breaking up our family unit because of this, but I did and now he’s asking for one more chance. What is the right thing to do, by my poor daughter who didn’t deserve this!

This is our ONLY problem in an otherwise perfect relationship. But of course these situations break trust too

There's a woman in my neighbourhood who has screamed blue bloody murder at her partner the last two Sunday mornings running, at 5.30am and 6.30am respectively, about his night jaunts. All on their doorstep, for everyone to hear. It's actually heart-wrenching to hear her anger and desperation when she shouts, 'how many fucking times?' and then he mumbles some feeble promise.

Don't become that woman.

What is the actual issue with it?

Just setting arbitrary “staying out past X time” is not allowed is bizarre and controlling

At least illustrate the logistical (or other) problem/issue that it causes by him coming home that late. I’m sure there is one, by which case you are likely NBU. But to determine that we need to know.

Or is it that you don’t trust that if he’s out so late he’s not up to no good?

If it was every weekend I wouldn't be impressed but once every couple of months I don't see an issue. My partner has gone out and then stayed up at a friends to watch the boxing or whatever and then sauntered home when I'm up for the day. I couldn't stay up until that time but if I go out he definitely doesn't have a time that he expects me to be home - we communicate and it works well for us. I would be pissed off if it ruined 'family plans' but other than that I think it's ok.

The thing is, if he’s having all that time off, then you need the same. Then you’ll end up not seeing him.

I'm fairly certain that the '"actual issue" is his continued juvenile behaviour. Leaving her to parent their child with possibly decreasing input from him, with ad hoc 'I deserve some time out with my mates' and leaving her to stew on the inequity.

Added to that the inevitable shoe gazing mumbled apologies, the fervent declarations of 'you are my life' and then the repeated absence.

And now the realisation and a further 'I will grow up now, I promise' will likely disappear the first time a playmate, a chum suggests a night out.

That kind of shit destroys many relationships..

He needs to grow up and realise life changes with children. Cricket 2/3 times a week is presumably already more down time than you are getting never mind everything else. He just isn't getting it. I really don't know what the answer is, there isn't really anywhere to go between tolerating this behaviour and leaving. Presumably he's tired from his night time exploits so you are left holding the baby alone as a result. If he can manage to fit in all his extra curricular activities in his fair share of down time without impacting you or DC in anyway then fine but that will be impossible and something has to give.

The truly 'bizarre' thing is that you can't see that it is his immaturity that is the issue. That OP is not being controlling, she is being left to be The Parent whilst he heads out to be Jack the Lad. All without any discussion, just his choices, his leisure time, his fun.

I think this post paints a very different picture from your first post.

Once every 6 months seems to me like something you ought to be able to manage perfectly well, and it sounds like a huge change for him from what he used to do and enjoys doing.

I certainly cannot see why you would even be considering leaving him over a night out (you say 6 or 7 time in 3 years) when you have a baby together. You say he is lovely in every other way.

Committing to someone is about compromise.
It seems he has moved a lot from the person he was when you met. But this seems a very odd thing to even consider breaking up over.

It actually doesn’t affect him the next day tbh, he just gets up and cracks on. It’s less that it is actually causing a problem logistically, more that I just don’t want him to do it, I don’t think he’s being disloyal, but I just don’t like him doing it. Plus it’s happened 6/7 times now I’m getting a bit bored of hearing that it’s going to change and it doesn’t. This is the first time it’s happened since having a child and I don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t want our little girl to suffer and not have both her parents around everyday and it breaks my heart to think of throwing away our relationship because of this but I just don’t know what else to do. Do I give him one more chance?!

“It actually doesn’t affect him the next day tbh, he just gets up and cracks on. It’s less that it is actually causing a problem logistically, more that I just don’t want him to do it, I don’t think he’s being disloyal, but I just don’t like him doing it.”

YABVVVVVU and sound very controlling. You don’t want him to do something he enjoys not because it causes an issue but just because you don’t want him to

He's always done it. Did he say it'd stop when you got pregnant?

Yes and yes

What is he doing until that time?
Tbh my ex husband was the same and still is and our sons got in at 3am and 6.00am respectively this morning.
But they are 18 and 21
Is he drinking heavily? Or taking drugs? Is he fit to drive?
It's just not how I viewed family life.... hence why I am no longer married!

So it has no impact on you than any normal night out, you just don't want home to do it?

Yep drinking with friends and sometimes drugs if it’s an event. This is the same for me, I know it sounds “controlling” that my reason is “I just don’t want him to do it”, but that’s just not how I see family life and what I want you know?! How many more years do I have to put up with this?

Yeah that’s just not how I viewed our family life being. Does this seem unfair of me

Put up with what? You’ve admitted he’s not impacting anything, other than your desire to control what he does