Page 3 | Partner out until 6am disagreement

Ljh89 · 2022-07-24T14:39:25+00:00

I don’t think it’s acceptable to have regular nights out until 6/7am with a child, especially a baby under 1 (do this in your 20’s!!). Am I being completely unreasonable to say this, honesty pls? Bare in mind this is on top of working in the office 4 days a week, wanting to go for work drinks every now and then, playing cricket 2/3 times a week and wanting to be able to have a “normal” social life AS WELL as every month/two months going out until 6/7am. It’s something he’s always done and I want it to stop! Am I the only one going through this?! Should I leave him?

MolliciousIntent · 24/07/2022 20:45

CarlCarlson · 24/07/2022 20:41

What’s the difference between drugs and alcohol?

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Drugs are illegal, Carl.

AMindNeedsBooks · 24/07/2022 20:54

If it's not impacting on your day and he's still doing his bit then you can't really have a grievance with him. You knew he enjoyed an occasion night out like this when you agreed to have a baby with him.

You are entitled to what you expect your family life to look like so really you are just incompatible. If you don't agree on this then you will start to resent each other because one is controlling the other.

AMindNeedsBooks · 24/07/2022 20:55

I mean. barring using illegal drugs but you also knew that.

OneTC · 24/07/2022 21:00

I was kinda with you until you said 6 times in 3 years and that the problem is you just don't like it

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 24/07/2022 21:03

@CarlCarlson drugs are illegal. Alcohol in moderation is not overly harmful. One ecstasy tablet can kill. But then you know that already don’t you, and that question is just goady shite.

OP, it’s up to you. That’s the only real answer to this. Some people would find this acceptable due to its infrequency. Personally I couldn’t be arsed, where is he til 6am? How much money is being wasted? No objection at all to the odd night out, my DH still meets up with friends regularly and so do I, but 6am is excessive in my opinion.

jimmyjammy001 · 24/07/2022 21:08

Ljh89 · 24/07/2022 16:39

It actually doesn’t affect him the next day tbh, he just gets up and cracks on. It’s less that it is actually causing a problem logistically, more that I just don’t want him to do it, I don’t think he’s being disloyal, but I just don’t like him doing it. Plus it’s happened 6/7 times now I’m getting a bit bored of hearing that it’s going to change and it doesn’t. This is the first time it’s happened since having a child and I don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t want our little girl to suffer and not have both her parents around everyday and it breaks my heart to think of throwing away our relationship because of this but I just don’t know what else to do. Do I give him one more chance?!

If its not affecting him the next day and he carrys on doing what he would normally be doing anyway if he had not gone out I can't really see the problem, he's obviously blowing some steam off and like you said it's only every now and then, ultimately the conversation around his social life after having a baby should have been discussed before having a baby, if he's agreed to change and it still keeps happening and it's a deal breaker than I'm afraid there's only really one option and that's to leave

OneTC · 24/07/2022 21:10

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 24/07/2022 21:03

@CarlCarlson drugs are illegal. Alcohol in moderation is not overly harmful. One ecstasy tablet can kill. But then you know that already don’t you, and that question is just goady shite.

OP, it’s up to you. That’s the only real answer to this. Some people would find this acceptable due to its infrequency. Personally I couldn’t be arsed, where is he til 6am? How much money is being wasted? No objection at all to the odd night out, my DH still meets up with friends regularly and so do I, but 6am is excessive in my opinion.

How did you work out there was moderate use of alcohol at this out until 6am session?

Keepingthingsinteresting · 24/07/2022 21:17

CarlCarlson · 24/07/2022 16:43

“It actually doesn’t affect him the next day tbh, he just gets up and cracks on. It’s less that it is actually causing a problem logistically, more that I just don’t want him to do it, I don’t think he’s being disloyal, but I just don’t like him doing it.”

YABVVVVVU and sound very controlling. You don’t want him to do something he enjoys not because it causes an issue but just because you don’t want him to

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This. OP, check yourself- it doesn’t mean he leaves you with the heavy lifting next day and you don’t think he’s cheating. You’re being very unreasonable and controlling

itswafflesgirl1010 · 24/07/2022 21:30

Absolutely ridiculous. He's a father now. If he's out until the next morning then its just more work for you the next day as I'm sure he's going to be sleeping/hungover. He's got responsibilities and can't expect you to put up with all those nights out because he wants to act like a lad. Tell him to bugger off. I would no way be happy if my husband started going out until 7am regularly.

EinsteinaGogo · 24/07/2022 21:33

To be honest - OF COURSE IT'S AFFECTING HIM THE NEXT DAY 🙈

It affects everyone to some degree.

If you can be on satisfactory form having had a skinful the previous night, imagine how bloody brilliant you'd be if you hadn't.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 25/07/2022 00:20

@OneTC I didn’t 😊 The question I was responding to was “why is alcohol better than drugs?”

maddy68 · 25/07/2022 00:22

One offs are fine. Regularly shows he is an immature idiot

ThreeGoingCrazy · 25/07/2022 00:39

Sorry but yabu.

Its happened once since you had a child so you actually didn’t like it before you had the baby yet you still chose to make a family with him despite being unhappy in the relationship.

Having got pregnancy despite not being happy with who he is, you've now decided that you should leave because he's still the same person you agreed to have a baby with.

What's more, it has no impact on the next day.

It isn't happening so often that you're left with all the childcare because it's happened only ONCE

Of course you're not unreasonable to leave a relationship you're not happy in. You are unreasonable to have made a family with ila guy when you were already unhappy.

You presumably assumed that the baby would bring him into line and make him the man yo u expect

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/07/2022 01:28

Ignore the goady idiot

Yanbu. Where is your time? I cba with being married to such selfish arsehole

ThreeGoingCrazy · 25/07/2022 01:32

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/07/2022 01:28

Ignore the goady idiot

Yanbu. Where is your time? I cba with being married to such selfish arsehole

I'm a glady idiot because I think she's unreasonable to expect him to change when she was already unhappy and he hadn't changed thus far?

BSH1985 · 25/07/2022 05:37

Read this and can relate so much. It literally is down to you and what you can tolerate, but he is unlikely to change. My partner has calmed down considerably, but I'm still unsure as to whether I want a future with him. He can drink alot. I don't feel strong enough to leave though which is quite sad as I feel like I am 'one of those women' 😞

cushioncovers · 25/07/2022 08:27

he plays cricket 2-3 a week and goes for work drinks every week. This would be more of an issue for me. That's a lot of evenings or weekends where the op is left on her own with the baby. And how much money does this cost?
Then staying out until morning drinking and doing drugs will cost a fortune as well.

5128gap · 25/07/2022 09:13

OP, there appears to be some very insecure people on this thread, who seem to have been taught by life that women have no rights regarding their relationship and how it looks.
Sadly, some women believe that unless they accommodate a man's every wishes, tolerating anything he chooses to do, they are at fault, and will lose him.
They have internalised the myth that an assertive woman who doesn't wish to subjugate her own wishes to those of a man, is 'controlling' and 'insecure'. They have few if any boundaries themselves, and encourage other women to relax theirs to affirm their own behaviour.

Other women have the confidence to know that it is not necessary to tolerate behaviour that makes you uncomfortable or dissatisfied. You have every right to ask for change. You have every right to leave if there is no change. You don't need to put up with this. There are countless men who wouldn't behave this way. Please don't be persuaded to compromise if you don't want to.

gold22 · 25/07/2022 09:23

If you wanted to go out till 4am once a month and he didn't want you to would you accept that and stop doing it?

Really, what's the difference between 3am/4am/7am etc if it doesn't impact you or him the next day, or is it just the full night out that you don't want him to go on?

What's a standard week look like for you in regards to who's looking after the baby/time to yourself/time to socialise etc.

At the end of the day, it's your relationship and if you want to leave, then you don't need any other reason than that's what you want

Geordie01 · 25/07/2022 09:46

Ljh89 · 24/07/2022 16:39

It actually doesn’t affect him the next day tbh, he just gets up and cracks on. It’s less that it is actually causing a problem logistically, more that I just don’t want him to do it, I don’t think he’s being disloyal, but I just don’t like him doing it. Plus it’s happened 6/7 times now I’m getting a bit bored of hearing that it’s going to change and it doesn’t. This is the first time it’s happened since having a child and I don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t want our little girl to suffer and not have both her parents around everyday and it breaks my heart to think of throwing away our relationship because of this but I just don’t know what else to do. Do I give him one more chance?!

After this post…. YOU are the red flag 🚩

Kite22 · 25/07/2022 15:53

5128gap · 25/07/2022 09:13

OP, there appears to be some very insecure people on this thread, who seem to have been taught by life that women have no rights regarding their relationship and how it looks.
Sadly, some women believe that unless they accommodate a man's every wishes, tolerating anything he chooses to do, they are at fault, and will lose him.
They have internalised the myth that an assertive woman who doesn't wish to subjugate her own wishes to those of a man, is 'controlling' and 'insecure'. They have few if any boundaries themselves, and encourage other women to relax theirs to affirm their own behaviour.

Other women have the confidence to know that it is not necessary to tolerate behaviour that makes you uncomfortable or dissatisfied. You have every right to ask for change. You have every right to leave if there is no change. You don't need to put up with this. There are countless men who wouldn't behave this way. Please don't be persuaded to compromise if you don't want to.

This is hilarious.

I - and I am sure many others on this thread - am absolutely secure, confident and comfortable with my own life decisions.

Where has anyone said that women have no rights regarding their relationship and how it looks. or some women believe that unless they accommodate a man's every wishes, tolerating anything he chooses to do, they are at fault, and will lose him. ?

You are clearly describing a completely different situation from what the OP has described in this thread.

Preventing my dh from going out once every six months is just not something I feel I need to do. If it is relevant to you and your projections, he would be quite happy to be alone with the baby if I went out overnight too).

Kite22 · 25/07/2022 15:57

itswafflesgirl1010 · 24/07/2022 21:30

Absolutely ridiculous. He's a father now. If he's out until the next morning then its just more work for you the next day as I'm sure he's going to be sleeping/hungover. He's got responsibilities and can't expect you to put up with all those nights out because he wants to act like a lad. Tell him to bugger off. I would no way be happy if my husband started going out until 7am regularly.

But the OP has said this is once since the baby has been born.
It has only been 6 or 7 times in 3 years (most of which they didn't have a baby).

It isn't "regular" unless you say you 'reguarly have a birthday' or 'Christmas is regular'. It is a very occasional thing.
OP has also admitted that he pulls his weight the next day too.

There really is nothing to object to that she has told us.

5128gap · 25/07/2022 19:12

Kite22 · 25/07/2022 15:53

This is hilarious.

I - and I am sure many others on this thread - am absolutely secure, confident and comfortable with my own life decisions.

Where has anyone said that women have no rights regarding their relationship and how it looks. or some women believe that unless they accommodate a man's every wishes, tolerating anything he chooses to do, they are at fault, and will lose him. ?

You are clearly describing a completely different situation from what the OP has described in this thread.

Preventing my dh from going out once every six months is just not something I feel I need to do. If it is relevant to you and your projections, he would be quite happy to be alone with the baby if I went out overnight too).

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Well good for you. But you're not the OP, so what you'd be happy with is entirely irrelevant. Its you who is projecting your feelings onto her situation. The OP is not happy. A woman who is not happy with a man's behaviour should not be encouraged to put up with it. Why on earth should she?

Kite22 · 25/07/2022 22:02

Because when you live together in a relationship there will always be things that you have different opinions about.
The OP has said that when they got together he enjoyed being out though the night regularly. She doesn't like it, and he has cut back enormously. Literally to once in 6 months, and then he still gets up and pulls his weight the next day. Working together as a couple means both of you have to give a little. How is the OP 'giving' in this situation ? Why does what the OP wants him to do in any way trump what he wants to do occasionally ?
Yes, any of us can leave a partner over any trivial thing, but most of us look at the whole picture - all the positive things that the OP says about him in this thread. Why would you want to leave all that behind you because of something that doesn't really affect you ? Move to financial hardship caused by then funding two homes. The sadness of only having your child with you 1/2 the time, Christmases, holidays etc spent without your child and so on. Surely leaving someone you are in a relationship with and who is the father of your baby should be over something intolerable?

5128gap · 25/07/2022 22:46

Kite22 · 25/07/2022 22:02

Because when you live together in a relationship there will always be things that you have different opinions about.
The OP has said that when they got together he enjoyed being out though the night regularly. She doesn't like it, and he has cut back enormously. Literally to once in 6 months, and then he still gets up and pulls his weight the next day. Working together as a couple means both of you have to give a little. How is the OP 'giving' in this situation ? Why does what the OP wants him to do in any way trump what he wants to do occasionally ?
Yes, any of us can leave a partner over any trivial thing, but most of us look at the whole picture - all the positive things that the OP says about him in this thread. Why would you want to leave all that behind you because of something that doesn't really affect you ? Move to financial hardship caused by then funding two homes. The sadness of only having your child with you 1/2 the time, Christmases, holidays etc spent without your child and so on. Surely leaving someone you are in a relationship with and who is the father of your baby should be over something intolerable?

Its a balance though isn't it? Theres a world of difference between setting boundaries around something that makes you truly uncomfortable and throwing in the towel on a whim. Just like there's a world of difference between the true meaning of 'controlling' where every aspect of a person's life is manipulated, and asking a person to stop doing one specific thing.
I make no personal judgement here, but many people would feel that going out all night, and perhaps more pertinently, taking drugs, is not something they want to happen in their family. Its hardly in the same 'trivial' league as not taking the bins out, as it does indicate a clash of values when if comes to 'appropriate' parental behaviour, which is a pretty big deal.
Perhaps the OP feels that as a parent he should be more risk adverse than to do something illegal with unpredictable health consequences. Perhaps she would prefer to discourage her children from that behaviour and dislikes hypocrisy.
Whatever her reasons, she feels pretty strongly about it, and has every right to say so and ask for change
Obviously he also has the right not to change. In which case he could equally be accused of throwing away the relationship and disrupting the children over a trivial thing.