Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

@Winterflower84

What a rude person you are. I have a 2yo, and if I were you, I'd apologise and try to talk to my child and explain there's a sleeping baby near us. I might even ask the lady to ask my child to stay quiet in case it helped.

😂😂😂 Meanwhile.............in the REAL world....

Fuck me there are some proper gems on this thread. 'I would ask the lady to ask my child to be quiet...' LOL, yeah right, sure Jan!!

@Rosewaterblossom

The only person who's come across as smug on this thread is the OP imo.

You have GOT to be kidding. Some posters on here have not only been smug with their 'my parenting is soooo much better than yours' type posts, but they have been plain nasty to the OP too. So much for Mumsnet posters supporting other mums eh?

For a website called "mumsnet" it certainly seems like half the people on this thread have never even babysat a toddler, let alone parented one.

If your toddler starts crying in public then of course you do what you can to get them to stop (and it's extremely bad faith of everyone who's just gone and assumed you weren't for no reason). But a stranger expecting you to just say "keep it down please" and the crying to magically stop, is absurd. She'll soon find that out for herself anyway when her baby's crying in public and nothing she does works.

He's 3 not a baby himself, so he should have enough empathy to be quiet for a sleeping baby. I would assume she was trying to help both you and herself by distracting him, and the worst she deserved from you might be "sorry, I don't think it'll work, we're getting off at the next stop".

It makes no sense to grab the phone and then just let him cry, you're just upsetting him for no good reason and annoying the whole train. Next time, talk to him properly. Give him a minute of warning that you will need to take the phone to check where to go and he'll get it back afterwards. Substitute a book or toy. Comfort him if necessary that you know he's tired and wanted the phone, it's been a lovely morning and he'll be home for a rest soon etc.

It makes no sense to grab the phone and then just let him cry, you're just upsetting him for no good reason and annoying the whole train.

Trying to work out train connections!!

He's 3 not a baby himself, so he should have enough empathy to be quiet for a sleeping baby.

Actually he is. There's no "should" here. He is acting his age.

What a rude person you are. I have a 2yo, and if I were you, I'd apologise and try to talk to my child and explain there's a sleeping baby near us. I might even ask the lady to ask my child to stay quiet in case it helped.

.......Whilst worrying about the train times and connections and if you needed to get ready to get off.......

Like all of this happened in a vacuum.

Also, I well know the panic and desperation when you're out in public with a sleeping baby and someone's making too much noise and you feel like your entire day is about to be ruined (and tbh it's usually adults talking too loudly rather than children), but at the end of the day you have to accept that if you're out in public you're going to have to accept it's not going to be as silent as your baby's nursery.

Oh please, the op said "I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too" because she thought it was someone with a pfb, otherwise why even mention she had a baby at home? To also think the woman was coming over to give her dc a sweet or a toy to pacify her child's nuisance behaviour. Smug and entitled! I bet she gave the phone back to said dc too, so rewarding their bad behaviour.

She'll realise in a few years time that she was a dickhead

The train connections didn't just happen with sub-second timing, OP could have looked them up anytime. Giving children warning helps behaviour, the adult thinking ahead can prevent upsetting the child needlessly.

I have a 4yo, so we spend time with 3 and 4yo a LOT. They can absolutely moderate their behaviour in lots of scenarios, including thinking about a baby not just themselves. You are thinking of younger toddlers.

This!

Bloody hell - the ops dc is 3….a toddler, not an adult.

Toddlers cry, they have tantrums sometimes, they get tired & have big emotions. Give the op a break, this is turning into a horrible mn pile on.

Op, I think the lady was abit rude to say that to you, your response didn’t sound rude or entitled to me. It was a pretty normal and honest response that made sense.

*The train connections didn't just happen with sub-second timing, OP could have looked them up anytime. Giving children warning helps behaviour, the adult thinking ahead can prevent upsetting the child needlessly.

I have a 4yo, so we spend time with 3 and 4yo a LOT. They can absolutely moderate their behaviour in lots of scenarios, including thinking about a baby not just themselves. You are thinking of younger toddlers.*

Hmm love your uber cool demeanour on the train. I sometimes look up the connections several times if I'm feeling a bit stressy. And probably not at my best for thinking ahead.

And no I'm not thinking of younger toddlers because I know 3, especially a tired one, year old can absolutely lose the plot and not respond to being asked to think of a baby.

Who on earth would approach a stranger's tantrumming child to ''Give a sweet or toy ''?

Nobody I know of. Just not the done thing.

*chocolatemademefat
No one wants to listen to a tantrumming child whether they have a sleeping baby or not. You take your children on public transport and it’s your job to tell them to calm down - rail fares are high - no-one needs a free headache because your child’s allowed to ride out a tantrum.

This!*

That's why people pay for 1st Class!

No op you are not being unreasonable at all. The other mum had no right to tell you what to do on public transport. You is that how she is going to react everytime there is any kind of noise around her sleeping baby. Her baby will never get used to any noise around whilst sleeping if the mum is expecting everyone to come to a standill when her baby is sleeping.

This.

Everyone who is not utterly barking knows children do not stop crying just because they are told to. Parenting would be a doddle if they did.

A little trick I used to do when out in public with my toddler; I'd keep a small interesting toy, which they'd never seen before, in my pocket for emergencies. You have to distracted the little nippers sometimes. Although we didn't have mobile phone in 'my day' I would have said, "Hey Timmy (not his real name) hold this for mummy so I can check the phone". Little Timmy's eyes would have lit up and I could calmly check the phone, or whatever.

I used to buy these cheap little plastic cars, trucks etc with wheels that turned. Taking something out of their hands is like starting WW3 as far as they are concerned - if they are tired, bored or not feeling too well.

It’s not really that unusual.

My toddler dc was over tired & having a tantrum outside a barber shop, after we had been into town in the morning - the kind barber came out and gave her a couple of lollipops, dc instantly stopped crying.

I have also given one of my dcs toys to a crying toddler to play with when we were on a train, the toddler stopped crying almost straight away.

Rephrase that a second; because some 3yo can sometimes not moderate their behaviour, you think OP should make her kid cry by snatching the phone and not even attempt to comfort him so that he'll stop. Sorry, but surely you can see that's silly?

They do learn how to manage their emotions if tantrums are not rewarded, though.

Rephrase that a second; because some 3yo can sometimes not moderate their behaviour, you think OP should make her kid cry by snatching the phone and not even attempt to comfort him so that he'll stop. Sorry, but surely you can see that's silly?

sorry I don't understand what you're saying.

OP only took the phone because she HAD to. Train times check.

And no don't think 3 year old can always moderate their behaviour.

yup. Tiny sweets, juice, water to keep their mouth shut in case of said WW3.

Toddlers cry. End of.

However I’d be interested in knowing if you were doing anything to stop him crying? Nothing worse than seeing parents just allowing a kid to cry and cry in public as although it’s part of being a toddler it is annoying and a parent should be trying to bring it to an end ASAP

Those who are scared to say no to their 3 year olds.. its way harder to say no to a teenager! Get the practice in now!

You can tell him to stop crying. Why wouldn't you?