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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To press ahead with this despite DH opposition

81 replies

DancingQueen2018 · 23/07/2022 22:47

We have a 5 bed house 2 doubles 3 singles, we’ve historically always kept the 2nd double as a guest room but it gets used maybe twice a year.

DD1 is now 12 and ideally needs a bigger room, first prize would be to reconfigure the entire upstairs but that isn’t an option right now, so I’m planning to move her into the spare room so she can have a desk for homework and just more room.

DH is vehemently opposed to this and thinks she should just carry on in the small single (despite having a high sleeper she nearly thumps her head on the ceiling in). Mainly it appears As it means getting rid of a perfectly serviceable wardrobe from the current spare room (we’ve had it 15?years, but so huge there’s no way of moving it). I’m going to pay for the whole thing and do all the work myself. Is this massively unreasonable of me???

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 24/07/2022 07:52

NumberTheory · 23/07/2022 23:02

I don’t think what you want to do is unreasonable, but I think it’s unreasonable to simply go ahead when your partner is opposed. (Unless he’s a complete ass in general and you’re only there because splitting up is too difficult right now).

This is something you need to discuss until you can both agree on a way forward.

I agree with this. Unless there’s some reason why you’ve more of a say than he does.

At face value, sure, your DD needs a bigger room but I don’t understand how a double room can’t fit a wardrobe, a bed and a desk. Could you get a different desk?
what’s in the wardrobe now and where will those things go?

2reefsin30knots · 24/07/2022 07:59

Could your DD stay in her current bedroom but with a single bed instead of high-sleeper (which could go to DD2) but then be given a second single as a study/ sitting room?

My DS (also 12) has two rooms. His bedroom upstairs which is just for sleeping and his clothes. He then has the downstairs study as a gaming room with his own sofa and space for his nick nacks etc. It works well because gaming is a) downstairs where we can hear what is going on and b) very separate from sleeping.

ReneBumsWombats · 24/07/2022 08:01

OperaStation · 24/07/2022 07:46

What do you mean you are paying for it and you will save for the reconfigured layout in a few years time? Surely this is a shared cost and you are married so it’s shared money anyway?

Yes, I forgot about that. What's going on here?

HTH1 · 24/07/2022 08:04

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 23:21

YANBU. Why are you paying a mortgage for a wardrobe to ‘enjoy’ a big room when your DD could actually enjoy it? It makes no financial sense.

Also, guests are a lot less important that DC.

This.

WinterMusings · 24/07/2022 08:12

TheLadyofShalott1 · 24/07/2022 05:31

With regards to your DD having to give up her bedroom when there are guests, when I was a child and we had Grandparents staying, my parents gave up their double room, I was never asked to. Other visitors had to stay in a B&B or hotel.

Similar here except we had other family from overseas staying too. My parents gave visitors their room I went into a spare bunk in my brothers room and my parents had my room, I vaguely remember we borrowed a second single bed for my room as I only had a single bed.

I remember at one time sleeping on a blow up bed in the little hallway in an off shoot to an unused front door. It would have been for a few weeks too as family had come to us from 12,000 miles away, so at least for a month.

we had camp stretchers in all the bedrooms (and hall) too when cousins came as well as aunt & uncle.

It was a fairly small 3 bed house, it seemed like a tardis looking back!! But then it was just the way it was & we didn't think anything of it!

RJnomore1 · 24/07/2022 08:17

What’s happening with your third single room? Could it not be made into a small study so both girls can benefit and you still keep your guest room?

DashboardConfessional · 24/07/2022 08:20

To echo other posters, bit worrying you say "I" will save. It should be joint.

Is he one of those people who won't get rid of anything unless it is broken to the point of unuseable? My in-laws are like this. Years and years of old furniture in storage that is literally costing money, but there's "nothing wrong" with it. Except that they don't need it and never will. They already downsized!

I say move her. We scrapped our double bed to make a playroom for DS and the odd guest once a year gets an airbed, sofa or goes in a hotel. DS lives here ans guests don't.

JanuaryKeepMe · 24/07/2022 08:24

My friend had a similar situation. 4 bed house, 2nd bedroom was the guest room as the biggest after the master and her son was in a double bedroom and her daughter in the smallest bedroom 4.

She was talking about how she was running out of room in bedroom 4, I asked her out of 365 days how many days does the guest room get used. It was about 6. So that weekend she redecorated the second bedroom and moved her daughter in to it. Then they used a sofa bed for guests in the bedroom 4 which literally just fit the sofa bed when in the bed position. It was just a room to sleep in for her occasional guests. Her daughter needed a desk for secondary school work etc and utilised her room every day.

If your guest room only gets used a small number of times a year how can he justify keeping it purely for guests? I think this isn't about a wardrobe, I think this is about the kudos of having a guest bedroom available.

TheVanguardSix · 24/07/2022 08:36

We had an almost identical situation, OP.
My husband is now my ex-husband.
This isn't about the wardrobe. It's about your DD and her father not respecting her but controlling her and stunting her growth. He wants to inhibit her. It sounds crazy and 'out there', I know. And it sounds like I'm overthinking this. But believe me, I lived out this scenario for years. The bedroom that our DD could not move into became the elephant in the room and there was so much psychology attached to that; so much so, that it became a huge focus with my DD's CAMHS therapist. In my own case, my marriage ended for sinister and sad reasons. My ex-husband had been abusing our daughter. This is not at all what I am saying is happening here. But you do have a 'control thing' going on. Yes, the wardrobe's a bit of a hassle, but it's not the reason she can't move into that room. It's your husband's shitty excuse. He's probably not even aware of his antics, but he's holding your DD back. She's at such a crucial age too.
And you have the room! Why wouldn't you move her? It's totally logical that she'd move into that bigger room. Why else do we have family homes?

I was so angry when my DD, who'd been sharing a room with her little brother for years, was trying to deal with periods and pads and puberty in a bedroom that wasn't her private space. I used to argue my daughter's case to no avail.
On the day I finally went to deal with it and tackle the spare room, my ex, while I went out for a few hours, filled up the spare room with the contents of the loft with the excuse that it was easier for us to access shit we hadn't accessed since dinosaurs roamed the earth! I mean, things are stored in the loft for a reason: So that we don't ever have to access them!

We also had two bookcases in the spare room. They were my ex's initial reason for not allowing DD to move into the room. Let me tell you about these shitty bookcases. They were ancient IKEA ones (nowt wrong with that, however...) that came with the house years and years ago. The previous owners had left them behind. They were falling apart. When I tried to dismantle them years ago, my ex came upstairs, shouting at me. He went into a rage. And that's when he turned the spare room into our 'external loft'.

This summer, I hired two guys to come upstairs and help clear out the 'external loft' that my ex 'created'. It was ecstasy listening to those two guys dismantle the bookcases. They had to smash them up. When they threw them into the back of their removal truck, the pieces kept hitting the keys of an old, tinny, out-of-tune piano that was in the back. It was the sweetest music to my ears.

I say throw the husband out with the bloody wardrobe!
In all honesty, this is a bit of a crossing the Rubicon moment for you, OP.
This is more symbolic and psychological than you think. Your husband is holding his daughter back and yes, wasting useful space (mine was excellent at wasting space). When the wardrobe's needs are greater than his own DD's, you've got to look at the man himself. Be bold. I say dismantle that mother fucker and don't even shy away from his reaction. Be strong. Do it! Claim that space and do this for your DD. It will give her a good, positive, loving message too! She's being bullied by her father.

madasawethen · 24/07/2022 08:38

Do whatever you want to do. It has zero impact on your DH. You're paying for it.
Get rid of the massive obsolete wardrobe. Just make sure to inspect it carefully for hidden cash or jewels.

Februarymama · 24/07/2022 08:39

If this was my DH I really wouldn’t want to just go ahead against his wishes, BUT I don’t think it’s at all OK for him to suggest a wardrobe is more important than your DD’s comfort.

I think I’d say something like “Fine, if the wardrobe is very important to you then we won’t move DD into that room… but I’d like you to come back to me with how you plan to configure the rooms so that DD has more space. Please have a think and we can discuss your plans on X evening.” Likely there will be no other solution but he’ll think he’s come to that conclusion himself 😁

Shortjanet · 24/07/2022 08:48

Prioritising a guest room which is hardly used makes no sense. Try to do a rough calculation of what this barely used room costs in a year in terms of a proportion of mortgage and bills. Then see how that translates to a nightly rate when it is actually in use and compare with a hotel. Give the room to your DD and tell the guests to organise their own accomodation.

ememem84 · 24/07/2022 08:52

Agree. If you have the space why not.

Cailin66 · 24/07/2022 08:52

Can't believe how many of you have discussions with your husbands over this. Mine is just called upon to give manly weight to whatever me and the kids want as regards moving furniture around. One summer two of the kids sharing a room were fighting so much one of them split the room in half dividing it with Ikea bookcases. It was hideous and horrendous, but said child agreed to move into spare bedroom if I renovated it, which I did. Teenagers in particular need their own space and a study desk.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/07/2022 08:53

wont she use the wardrobe?

RealBecca · 24/07/2022 08:55

I dont really understand paying thousands more for a house with extra rooms for guests at the loss of use in your own home, be that for kids or your own office or hobbies. Over the years theres more value in enjoying your home and rooms and, if needs be, paying for a guest to stay nearby or swapping rooms for a few days than keeping them mostly vacant for someone else who may occasionally stay. Get the use and value for your kids now.

feministqueen · 24/07/2022 08:59

Your husband is being a short sighted dick. He is prioritising the non existent guest over the needs of the family. Because it doesn't affect him personally, he's not giving a shit

I wouldn't even be discussing this further with him. It's happening. If your daughters are happy with the new arrangement order a skip, break up the old wardrobe and crack on. Use the money from the joint account to decorate the rooms.

Allmarbleslost · 24/07/2022 09:02

This reminds me of my colleague who has all three of her children sharing one bedroom so that there's a spare room for her parents to stay in when they visit. Bloody ridiculous.

TheVanguardSix · 24/07/2022 09:25

madasawethen · 24/07/2022 08:38

Do whatever you want to do. It has zero impact on your DH. You're paying for it.
Get rid of the massive obsolete wardrobe. Just make sure to inspect it carefully for hidden cash or jewels.

Seriously! This is sound advice! OP, I found £700 cash stored in a little dominos box on the bookshelf when I went to do my 'cleansing of ex-H'.
My daughter and I found it together and we were like, "Ooooh, what was he up to then?"

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 24/07/2022 09:26

How old are your other children? Is your DH worried it will lead to arguments if one gets a big double room and the others don't?

morethanspice · 24/07/2022 09:26

I am almost divorced from a man who refused to remove homemade desking from sons bedroom. It dominated a third of the room and looked awful. He made all sorts of threats to keep it there but one day son just removed it himself. It’s a really bad sign and I’d be questioning the future with this man x

greatblueheron · 24/07/2022 09:27

Frankly, your husband is being a dick.

He's picking the comfort of people who spend a max of 10 nights per year over your roof over his own daughter who lives there 365 days a year.

TheVanguardSix · 24/07/2022 09:30

Cailin66 · 24/07/2022 08:52

Can't believe how many of you have discussions with your husbands over this. Mine is just called upon to give manly weight to whatever me and the kids want as regards moving furniture around. One summer two of the kids sharing a room were fighting so much one of them split the room in half dividing it with Ikea bookcases. It was hideous and horrendous, but said child agreed to move into spare bedroom if I renovated it, which I did. Teenagers in particular need their own space and a study desk.

And that's how it should be. Believe me, I was really taken aback the more I learned that I was living with an uncompromising, controlling oddball who didn't see the word family in family home. He saw our home as his home. I mean, unless the grandparents are actually planning on moving in permanently or the home has a revolving door for guests, a home is for a family, right? Not the occasional guest... or more crucially, some inanimate object, i.e. some fecking wardrobe. You have a husband is obviously part of his family and thinks in terms of 'us' as opposed to 'me'. That's such a gift! Good on him.
I grew up with a dad like this. It never occurred to my mum to have to ask his permission to give us a bigger room. It just happened! I mean, what else is a home for but to live in it!

2pinkginsplease · 24/07/2022 09:31

Why should guests get priority over your own child who lives in the house? Very bizarre behaviour.

the house should work for the people who live in it and not the guests.

godmum56 · 24/07/2022 09:32

This is just weird. Use things; love people.

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