Annoying friend

[ArgosKettle]

I have a friend I met in recent months and we got on from the get go and have been quite close since.
we are very similar in a lot of ways and same age however I am a single parent and friend is single/ care free.

Friend has a habit of calling numerous times a day and not for anything specific - but just to chat. I don’t mind a natter on the phone every so often but I find friend often calls just for the sake of having nothing to do and often expects me to chat on the phone for hours with no real conversation. (Sometimes friend will be doing laundry/ tidying bedroom/ walking to the shops) and will call me. It’s annoying as often I think “ok, so what?” Or I’d be cooking dinner and drop hints that I’m busy and can’t talk - but often that will lead to her asking what’s for dinner, what’s the recipe? If I say I can’t talk and have to go- it often ends with her asking/ begging me to call her later before bed to catch up again. Often if I don’t call for the bedtime catch up- she will text (I don’t respond right away, but once I do- that gives her a reason to call ME instead). Weekends she typically wants us to spend time together (I go to her house or she come to mine) and again whilst I’m happy to meet often - I don’t feel the need to see her every week. I love her dearly but this friendship is starting to feel childish and suffocating and I don’t know how to address it without hurting her feelings.
She made a joke about spending Christmas with my family this year which at the time I assumed was a joke- but seeing how full on this friendship is has led me to believe she is serious.

I haven’t had many close friendships as I have autism so find making friends can be difficult so I feel myself trying with my friend. But it’s all becoming abit much.

how do you/ would you deal with this?

Could you just not answer the phone unless you are free to chat? Then message to say "oh sorry I didn't answer I'm busy with such and such will ring when free" or similar to try and put it back on your terms a little?

I would talk to her about how it makes you feel and talk about why she's doing this. There is very likely a reason in her past which contributes to her clingy mess towards you now. You can explain that you enjoy your time together but the calling constantly has to stop.

I can imagine those long conversations to be very draining when you have ASD.
She does sound nice and she likes you so I think I would be honest and say with family life so busy you can't stay on the phone so long. Really spell it out to her. I wouldn't miss out on a good friendship over something that can be sorted.

@Newuser82
thanks for your input. I do often call back - we speak everyday which honestly even for me is a lot as I typically text/ call when I need to chat; rather than call for no reason…sometimes friend will call to dicuss love island or even recently I’ve gotten to the point of stop trying to flare up conversation so much as we have often spoken in the morning, then texting during the day then phone call again after dinner/ post bathtime then often she will ask me to call again to chat before bed. Again I have no real issue talking if she needs to vent or even just chat as I know she often speaks about wanting a child at home for companion etc, but the calling me just to tell me she ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich (and she didn’t like the jam) then a 10 min silence with nothing more to say or even just asking the same repeated questions (what’s for dinner/ what’s weekend plans) is starting to drain me a little

About Christmas... I would send a clear text saying that you are ll

Thank you @Hoolahulahoop

this is exactly it. I don’t know if maybe it is my ASD or maybe that she is being a little clingy that is getting to me but I’m starting to feel worn out.

she does very much like me as I like her but I feel like her expectation of a friend is too much for me as the nonsense chitter chatter and other small habits are starting to grate on me

Why do you answer her calls?

This was my sister in law

shed ring as I was trying to do the school run-and with 6 kids,I couldn’t talk as I was trying to practice crowd control

she’d ring as I was trying to cook dinner

ditto bathtime,bedtime,lunchtime and any other bloody time

it got that bad I stopped picking up so she’d ring back-endlessly until I picked up

shed never have anything to say-it was just mindless chat as she was bored-I’m talking a call every hour or so

i had to have a word with her-I don’t mind a natter but I can’t change a nappy or dish dinner up with a phone clamped to my ear

she seemed to take the hint and didn’t ring as much after that

(The problem sorted itself in the end as she finally got married to my brother and refused to speak to me again as I’m not married)

That does sound really draining! Yes, perhaps a conversation about it may be the only option. Difficult though!

@Ragwort
i honestly answer her calls as I consider her to be a friend and if she wants to talk I’m here to talk.

Recently I have started not picking up when she calls and I will call later on when I’m free or in the mood to chat but again I find she has nothing to really talk about and I will say my bits and pieces and engage in the live island chat (even though I dont watch it) to be social I suppose but I’ll admit it’s starting to get annoying. She has even commented recently on us not being as close as we haven’t seen each other in 8 days and haven’t had our hours long chats. But again - I see it as I have things to do. With myself and my son.
often when I finish work I just want to bath and listen to some music to wind down. Everyday I finish work; the second I get home- she calls. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don’t but I do feel bad sometimes for maybe not being a real friend - even though it’s annoying me

Do not for one minute blame your ASD for you believing your friend’s behaviour is OTT OP. She sounds very needy. I had a friend like this and found it incredibly draining and suffocating. She would not take hints at all so in the end I had to tell her straight to only call me if she had a specific reason ie she was upset and needed someone to talk to or had something important to say.

@Garysparrowsthirdwife
this is exactly it. She used to call in the morning when I’m doing the school run until I told her I don’t talk in the morning as I’m usually rushing to school and work and busy.

she messaged me several times during the day, she sends and tags me in posts on social media. She calls every few hours. It’s all too much.

I understand I told her not to call in the morning but I feel like I’m being unkind if I was to then say in fact I would rather you don’t call me at all.

Don’t get me wrong,if someone needs me,I’ll drop everything and move heaven and earth to be there

I won’t if your ringing me just to tell me my brother is watching tv or that you saw X or Y in the street

you really need to either stop picking up or have a word-just be less available

good luck-it starts to take over your life-I used to want to cry when her name popped up (again) on my phone

thankfully she doesn’t have my number anymore

thank you all for the input. I will try and find a gentle way to word that I would rather she didn’t call me often at all unless she needed to actually say something - otherwise text.

she has now resorted to instead of calling me as I’m busy - she will call and ask to speak to my son instead. Again. I don’t mind as she is my friend but sometimes my son is relaxing after school or wanting to focus on something else and she wants to engage in a long conversation

This would all be far too much for me and the friendship wouldn’t last long. This just sounds suffocating.

Hoe old is she?
She sounds a bit nuts.
It's not being mean to ignore some of her calls op!

This reminds me of a situation I found myself in!
I made friends with a woman a few years older than me during covid lockdown off of a local Facebook group and we spoke for ages and finally met (lived 20 mins away from each other) after the lockdowns.

She just wanted to text, chat, phone about nothing all day every day! She was also quite nasty and judgemental, but your friend doesn’t sound like that.

If I didn’t reply she’d double text me. She even once messaged one of my friends asking if she knew why I wasn’t answering because I didn’t reply to her in 2 hours! 2 hours! It was too much for me.

We fell out because she was too judgmental and rude, but she was just too clingy and too much for my life

I would say if I could go back in time or if I found myself becoming friends with someone a bit too chatty again I’d put my boundaries in place straight away.

Stop replying to her straight when she messages you, ignore some calls, tell her straight up “I can’t call you or chat before bed, I’m really busy”. I found that I pondered to my friend and would just give in and message her but that was the worse thing to do.

boundaries are the best thing forward! If you want this friendship to work you have to be honest and just say you can’t chat lots today, or can’t message today, or can’t call because you’re busy

She probably doesnt realise how much she is calling/texting you.

Count how many calls/texts you get from her daily and show her.

Tell her that you can only deal with x number of calls/texts.

@JasmineVioletRose
thank you for reminding me that it’s not unkind to ignore her calls when I just need a break.

we are both mid 30’s, although the expectation of this friendship in her eyes feels like we are in school. I feel like I am slightly more mature than she is though as I have DS and she is yet to have children. I think again this is maybe why she doesn’t see it as interfering when she calls non stop to talk and doesn’t realise im busy with things to do.

@Essexgalttc Thank you for your input.

Your friend doesn’t sound far off from my friend honestly although not quite the same.
I will take your advice and cement my boundaries in place from now on as my patience is wearing thin.

@ArgosKettle following on from my last comment after reading some of your other posts on this thread I relate to friend being upset if not seeing them all the time. She’d say we wasn’t as close if we didn’t meet every week. The evening phone calls or wanting to chat to me about love island etc.

The thing about her talking to your son if you don’t answer is really bizarre

Im sure she is lovely OP but this woman is too clingy

What?!!! It is seriously weird that she asks to chat with your DS when you are not available, not to mention very unfair on him. How old is your son and does he not get a say in this?

@ArgosKettle It is hard as you don’t want to upset them, or feel like you’re saying “leave me alone!” Because of course you want to maintain the friendship

Sometimes I would message friend to say I’m on my phone too much and having a week or day to myself here and there. She’d be sad that I wasn’t able to text that day, but sometimes it’s nice to get a break

it sounds horrible but my life is so much stress free and chill without my friend. But again like I said my friend was nasty and rude and yours doesn’t sound like that

I don’t have children yet, in my late thirties, and couldn’t imagine being like this. I feel like I’m being too much if I send a single text once a day 😂But just trying to point out that not having kids might not be the reason for her immaturity (in fact, if she wants a child ‘for companionship’, I don’t think having one will make her grow up at all).

Glad you’re considering putting some clear boundaries in place. Just remember that if she reacts badly to them (as she sounds like she might be a tad emotionally dysregulated), that is her shit that she’s dealing with, and not your fault. You are asking for something completely reasonable.