Annoying friend

[ArgosKettle]

I have a friend I met in recent months and we got on from the get go and have been quite close since.
we are very similar in a lot of ways and same age however I am a single parent and friend is single/ care free.

Friend has a habit of calling numerous times a day and not for anything specific - but just to chat. I don’t mind a natter on the phone every so often but I find friend often calls just for the sake of having nothing to do and often expects me to chat on the phone for hours with no real conversation. (Sometimes friend will be doing laundry/ tidying bedroom/ walking to the shops) and will call me. It’s annoying as often I think “ok, so what?” Or I’d be cooking dinner and drop hints that I’m busy and can’t talk - but often that will lead to her asking what’s for dinner, what’s the recipe? If I say I can’t talk and have to go- it often ends with her asking/ begging me to call her later before bed to catch up again. Often if I don’t call for the bedtime catch up- she will text (I don’t respond right away, but once I do- that gives her a reason to call ME instead). Weekends she typically wants us to spend time together (I go to her house or she come to mine) and again whilst I’m happy to meet often - I don’t feel the need to see her every week. I love her dearly but this friendship is starting to feel childish and suffocating and I don’t know how to address it without hurting her feelings.
She made a joke about spending Christmas with my family this year which at the time I assumed was a joke- but seeing how full on this friendship is has led me to believe she is serious.

I haven’t had many close friendships as I have autism so find making friends can be difficult so I feel myself trying with my friend. But it’s all becoming abit much.

how do you/ would you deal with this?

lol block her number or just never ever answer her call. I must be missing something but I find her cheeky and I say ignore ignore ignore.

Hi Friend

I think you are great and I love spending time with you and value our friendship.

But I am not a phone person. I don't want to hurt your feelings so I am telling you this. Can we agree to just speak (once a day, twice a week whatever) on the phone instead of lots of times a day.

My diary is really busy at the moment and I want to make sure we have time for each other so lets agree to meet (every second weekend)?

This is not how normal friendships work. You need to take a huge step back for your own sanity. Cut back on the daily contact and meet her for coffee in town occasionally. Don't invite her into your house if she won't leave, keep it to places you can escape from. And go by bus so you can't give her a lift.

If you can't do it for you do it for your son. It's not healthy that she's putting so much weight on her relationship with him. You need to protect him.

YANBU. I suspect I am autistic too and I couldn’t cope with this kind of friendship that needed daily contact.

Oh goodness
block her she sounds draining as hell

@ArgosKettle I want to warn you gently that this friend has serious issues and will very likely turn on you at some point for some unknown or very slight reason. It’s very likely to be a pattern for her.

For your own protection be aware of this and hold back on how much you want to give of yourself. Make other friends and see how different the balance is.

@MatildaTheCat

thank you for the advice. I can resonate with what your saying as honestly I have often thought the same thing. This is why I’m trying to find ways of backing away now as I expect just what you said.

I have come to notice friend has many ‘friends’ but a lot of them are people she has met in the recent months. None I have heard of are friends she has known for years/ since young. I didn’t take much notice at the time as honestly I don’t have many friends either (although I get along with everyone; I’m just not social so don’t usually go out) but I’m starting to question the longevity of this friendship.

I can imagine those long conversations to be very draining when you have ASD.

I don't have ASD, & I'm drained just from reading about them.
It's got nothing to do with OP's condition, & everything to do with her new friend's insanely clinging behaviours. She is acting like a small child, demanding attention all day long & it must feel exhausting.

The only way to stop it is to address it directly OP.
You are going to have to raise the topic, & think of a tactful way of putting it.
Something like "I'd rather talk to you properly in person than keep having calls throughout the day when I am busy doing other stuff."
& "I value your company but am not coping with the daily texts & calls, so I need to dial it back a bit."
& "can I stop you there - I can't talk now, but am free for coffee on saturday if you can come over at 11?"

Keep sugaring the pill by telling her that you DO want to see her - you just cannot deal with the intrusive level of daily contact.

Blimey OP just tell her to dial it down as she's pissing you off with her constant calling!

Tell her you would like to maintain the friendship but she's being too clingy.

she has now resorted to instead of calling me as I’m busy - she will call and ask to speak to my son instead.

No, she can fuck off with that.
How dare she?
You have been far too accommodating OP.
You keep referencing that you feel you need to be there for her, that as a friend you should pick up whenever she calls - but your discomfort & growing annoyance are absolutely clear.

What doesn't seem to be clear - to you - is that you are perfectly within your rights to establish boundaries. You do not OWE this needy friend your time. Your son certainly does not owe her his time. She is overstepping to a considerable degree & you need yo simply tell her that you value your alone time as much as your social time, & neither you not your son are her personal Chat Service operatives.

It's ok to be a little brusque.
She is only thinking about what suits her. She's not thinking of your needs, your comfort, your space. So you have to spell it out to her.
"I'm exhausted, I need quiet time, I will call you on Friday".
If she pushes back on that & calls you before Friday - do not answer. Send a text repeating that you will call her on Friday. Make sure you stick to it. Eventually, you will retrain her that she only gets your attention when she respects your boundaries.

Thank you all for the advice.
I think I will just back away from now and stick to texting every now and then. (I think this is what other friends of hers have resorted to aswell and I often get the feeling; the friends who know me, secretly question why we are friends). This thread has been an eye opener and has confirmed to me that this friendship isn’t normal.

I’m very good usually with establishing boundaries and people usually know me to be polite and kind but firm.

I also have always had issues with making friends though so honestly I assumed this is how best friends (this is how she describes us) usually are. I haven’t had much experience with having close friends so when she seemed keen on meeting up on the weekends and day trips with my son and I - I took it as the beginning of a true and genuine friendship.

in regards to my son; I would never let him do anything g his uncomfortable with. As I said; he loves my friend and sees her as a fun aunt. He doesn’t speak to her on the phone as often as she likes as like I mentioned; when I noticed the behaviour I cut it out. (She often asked to have my son over for the weekend, collect him from school on her days off and asks for him everytime we talk on the phone). He hasn’t had a sleepover with her yet, she hasn’t collected him from school as I would rather do that myself or get family to do so, and when she asks for him to come to the phone when I’m talking to her - I tell her he’s busy. It’s only when he WANTS to really converse then I will pass over the phone and honestly now I try and discourage it as I’m aware it’s slightly too needy.

Going forward; it won’t be happening anymore. I felt like it was the anti social side of me that was seeing all of this as strange and too needy but after reading other opinions from here; it’s solidified that my feelings were valid and right. She is too much for me

How well do you really know this woman? I’d certainly avoid having my child sleeping over with her if I were you, don’t encourage that.. She sounds somewhat unhinged.

She wants to change your son over for a sleepover?! That is weird!

I think this friendship needs to be nipped on the bus. She sounds intense and I would be backing away

I have a very similar situation with my BEST friend. I adore her, we would do anything for eachother and often go out of our way to help/accommodate eachother but man she could talk a glass eye to sleep. I am very introverted and my social tank gets low very quickly. She will ring me every single day and she has no problem multi tasking, getting the kids ready, switching to speakerphone in the car, running errands etc ALL while gabbing on the phone. Mainly consisting of conversation that is so irrelevant to me like her other friends situations and relationship dramas. I'm the opposite of herwith ND struggles and can barely concentrate on two people talking at once let alone multi tasking while on the phone. Now I just screen her calls and tell her ill ring her back when I'm ready. We have clashed over the years with her accusing me of being a shit friend for ignoring her calls and whatnot so in the end I just had to be firm. I told her I love her, here for when she actually NEEDS me and some social time inbetween of course but that's all I can offer, you're draining me. She just sucked it up in the end and we speak every few weeks.

Whilst I know the sleepover thing seems strange - again I don’t see any harm as she is very good with children, work with children and is desperate for a child herself so I think she is someone that loves to be around children until she can have her own. She often has other friends kids also (day trips/ overnight/ collect from school) so I think she was just trying to help out and she enjoys it also. But I’m aware it can come across as strange.

I am an incredibly sociable person. This relationship would piss me right off. Wouldn't want anyone monopolising my time to that extent. If this was from a potential boy friend you would run a mile! Red flags everywhere.

Good luck cutting the contact down... i think you are going to need it. However you'll be ok when she finds her next victim

I'm surprised only 1 poster commented that if this was a romantic relationship everyone would be posting red flags & LTBs. Just because she's a friend not a partner doesn't make this level of (mostly? Partly?) contact ok.

*unwanted contact