Annoying friend

[ArgosKettle]

I have a friend I met in recent months and we got on from the get go and have been quite close since.
we are very similar in a lot of ways and same age however I am a single parent and friend is single/ care free.

Friend has a habit of calling numerous times a day and not for anything specific - but just to chat. I don’t mind a natter on the phone every so often but I find friend often calls just for the sake of having nothing to do and often expects me to chat on the phone for hours with no real conversation. (Sometimes friend will be doing laundry/ tidying bedroom/ walking to the shops) and will call me. It’s annoying as often I think “ok, so what?” Or I’d be cooking dinner and drop hints that I’m busy and can’t talk - but often that will lead to her asking what’s for dinner, what’s the recipe? If I say I can’t talk and have to go- it often ends with her asking/ begging me to call her later before bed to catch up again. Often if I don’t call for the bedtime catch up- she will text (I don’t respond right away, but once I do- that gives her a reason to call ME instead). Weekends she typically wants us to spend time together (I go to her house or she come to mine) and again whilst I’m happy to meet often - I don’t feel the need to see her every week. I love her dearly but this friendship is starting to feel childish and suffocating and I don’t know how to address it without hurting her feelings.
She made a joke about spending Christmas with my family this year which at the time I assumed was a joke- but seeing how full on this friendship is has led me to believe she is serious.

I haven’t had many close friendships as I have autism so find making friends can be difficult so I feel myself trying with my friend. But it’s all becoming abit much.

how do you/ would you deal with this?

@PinkSyCo
My son actually loves her and loves speaking to her and often asks to speak to her before she even asks for him; so when she asks to speak to him; often he will genuinely greet her and maybe tell her about school. She will then ask more and more questions- what he had for lunch, how were his best friends, what’s for dinner, weekend plans…

At first he loved it as, as I mentioned, I don’t have many friends so he was excited to speak to one of my friends. Now as time has gone on and I’ve noticed the pattern- I let my son speak for as long as he wants and then once his attention is diverted I tell her we have to go. She will then expect to stay on the phone whilst I do the bedtime routine (as she used to the first few times of us speaking) and then we will continue our ‘chat’ once I have finished.
Of course now I simply say we have to go as I’m going to get son ready for bed and I’m going to get myself ready for bed. she will continue to send me messages/ social media/ voice messages until she sleeps.

Is there any chance she has a romantic crush on you? The level of intensity sounds like a new romance.

@Winter2020
i don’t think so although honestly it has crossed my mind once or twice

1. I was going to ask the same thing as winter2020

1. Don't answer the phone, and delay responding to texts - don't respond for at least 24hours to all text messages. That's what I do with people because I find speaking to most people on the phone quite hard, and am often feeling too tired/antisocial. I'm not the type for constant conversation. I know it sounds mean, but not answering is fine! Just say you get so busy with the children these days you never here the phone ring or check your texts. Or the ringer is broken or something. Or just say you are not answering it at the moment much as too many marketing calls or something. You also need to reiterate that you r very busy. I think you've led her to believe you are free and want to talk/meet up. I'd wean her slowly off you OP, until the contact levels feel right. Put yourself back in control of the contact!

I have a friend like this, if I have time to answer I do but if I don't have a spare hour I ignore her and ring back when time.

Urgh. So intense. I would go mad. It sounds like my mil who would telephone me 6-8 times every single day when I had my firstborn. I was told this was normal and should accept every call.

It's borderline stalking. Very troubling.

Don't pick up for a few days. Train your friend to realise this is normal. If she gets pissed off just say you were busy. No apologies.

It doesn't sound like any great loss should she flounce off. She's very draining. I would merely feel relief that she wouldn't be calling me anymore.

Be bold. Don't answer. Leave it a few days. You're in charge of your time.

I'm autistic and most of the folks I am friendly with are also atypical.

With permission, I will send voice messages on what's app sometimes, or just text.

This means I can listen/ they can listen when it's convenient (plus we can replay if we miss something).

The few times anyone ever tried to call me, it's inconvenient and I often find the same if I try to call people. Which is rare anyway.

You're not unreasonable, she hasn't got the same responsibilities and routine as you so isn't foreseeing what you'd consider when calling someone.

Just wanted to say that you’re under no obligation to answer your phone. If you are busy, or simply not in the mood, just don’t pick up. I’m not saying to ignore her but clearly she gets more than enough opportunities to talk to you, it certainly won’t hurt her to go a few hours or even a day without contact, and if she questions it just tell her that you were busy. The more you keep giving in to her calls, the more she will think it’s ok to keep calling.

Thank you all for the advice

I will draw back from now on and keep boundaries clear.
already this morning she has sent me 6 voice notes and messages.

@ArgosKettle Could you try messaging her back and telling her you’ve got so much to do today, you’ll give her a call in the morning tomorrow. Then put your phone away and have some peace?

@Essexgalttc
thanks for the advice.
honestly I think I will simply not respond as she can be quite reactive and I’m sure would feel slightly offended if I told her I wasn’t able to speak to her; but later on saw I was online IYKWIM.
i have a feeling she is messaging so early as she will suggest coming to my house later on today. Again I’m happy to have friends round and company every now and then but she outstays her welcome. Often when she comes round she suggests staying overnight and when I say that’s not possibly she will suggest sleeping on the sofa.

the last time she suggested coming over and I said fine but she didnt come until around 6:30pm after we had arranged for her to come during the day - then once she came; suggested she may as well sleep over as it’s late and she’s not ready to go and DS will miss her. (Yes I’m sure he will but he will be fine - as good as he was for the 6 years before we met her). I haven’t invited her over again and has suggested to me more than once that we should have a girls night and stay in and have a sleepover - but I feel like I’m passed that. I did that when I was younger whilst I’m not against having girly nights in as an adult - I don’t feel inclined to do it as often as she suggests.

sorry for the rambling, It’s just the first time I’ve really admitted how this friendship is making me feel and now I’m realising it’s just too much and I’m not unreasonable for expecting some space.

She sounds very needy and intense, and a bit creepy. Just say to her, I don’t always have my phone on me. 6 voice notes on. A Sunday morning? Run!!!

You have to have a word with her. Something like "Hi Mary, I'm not sure if you're aware but it's only 11am (or whatever time) and you've already sent me 6 messages text and voice. I'm finding this level of communication overwhelming and would much rather if you only sent me a message once or twice a day at most. Thank you for understanding"
Or something like that.

If she's communicating on WhatsApp I'd recommend muting her chat and you need only respond when you want to and not to her timetable.

I think your friend is lonely that is why she is calling you so much, she may think that as you are a single parent you are lonely as well. Does she has many friends?

She sounds absolutely suffocating. I would try to avoid her conversations, as other posters suggest. Could you divert all the messages to a folder on your phone so you don't have them popping up all the time? Then you can look at them when you have time. If that doesn't work, you might have to end the friendship with her directly. But YANBU for finding this too much. I think you have been hugely patient to put up with it for so long.

Honestly, OP, you keep saying she’s a friend, you’re ‘close’ etc, but to be honest, she sounds like a bored, needy woman who is incapable of being without company, who has latched onto someone with poor boundaries (perhaps because of being neurodiverse) and is unable to ‘resist’. I’d also be deeply wary of this kind of fast and intense friendship going from nothing to 100% in only a few months.

Do you actually even like her? Or are you touched by her evident need for you? It’s just that she sounds monumentally boring, if she’s phoning you to discuss TV programmes, especially ones you don’t watch?

What is her life like? Does she work? Other friends? How come she has this much free time?

@ArgosKettle You are a lovely friend protecting her feelings, but you have to say something
I do relate to how you feel for sure, as it was how I was like with my friend. I did constantly just put up with it because I knew she’d be upset and offended if I said I couldn’t chat. But it breaks you in the end. It’s too much.

I feel like if I posted on here saying my husband constantly was sending voice notes, was always texting me multiple times when out and about, got offended if I didn’t reply straight away or was upset if I asked for some alone time - people would call him controlling and that he has issues. It is no different to friendships either

As others have posted too a quick word with her, a simple text “Hi! Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you and our friendship, but I am really struggling to keep up with all the texts and calls and finding myself behind especially when looking after DS. I’m going to start coming off phone as much”

I literally never answer my phone unless it's someone who wouldn't usually call and it must therefore be important. If someone called me to chat I'd just say I don't like talking on the phone. It's completely legitimate since phones became an integral part of our lives. Some people love it, others despise it. I'm one who despises it and people know this and that I don't use my phone to talk on very much. Just state your position and then ignore the calls.

@ErinAoife
Honestly this is it. Yes she is lonely and like I mentioned has commented on me being lucky I have my DS as he keeps me going and keeps me company. I get it as I know she would love to have children, just isn’t in the right space to have one. This is why I think I aswell tried to be there when she wants to talk and meet up when she wants to see me and pass the phone to DS when she wants to chat and invite her with us when I’m going to the park/ day trips and so on but it’s starting to feel too much.

she has friends yes and some of our friends are mutual also. One or two I have found have dressed back from talking to her so much. I’m unsure if the reason is because of the constant phone calls but I know one (let’s call her Suzy) made a comment to me about friend always wanting to go out every weekend and sometimes during the week. As Suzy has a child also; she said she had to back away as friend has no real expenses other than rent (which is part paid by benefits) and mobile phone bill. All other bills are included in the rent as she lives in a house share. So when friend keeps suggesting every week that we all go out to eat or dinner or Thorpe park or Bristol for a day trip (with no money for petrol and actually no car as friend doesn’t drive - I do) she again doesn’t seem to get that we all have other responsibilities and other priorities.

Friend also has other friends I haven’t met but does tell me a lot of situations that happen with those friends and again - this has led me believe her expectation of a friend is too much.

example; the expectation to be collected from her home and dropped back home after a friend invited her to a concert in town. The friend who invited her has a car and yes could drive - however she doesn’t live near to my friends house; meaning she would have to drive 35 mins in the opposite direction to her home to drop friend home then make her own way home. I said it would be better to get a cab but friend suggested she had no money and as friend invited her to the concert (knowing money is tight) - she should ensure she was to arrive there safe and get back home safe. I expect her friend also bought a few drinks for her at the concert also.

I personally didn’t get it but friend said this is how her and her friend always do things - and I don’t know this friend of hers. I just know i wouldn’t do it if it was me.

like I said; I tend to keep myself to myself and admittedly don’t have many friends and didn’t have a large social circle when I was younger either so when I noticed this behaviour from friend - I just kind of assumed this is how friends are as IM not used to it. But it is too much

This for sure!

I too have had a friend like that. Still friends now, but with boundaries and space in place, though my friend is more mature and fortunately didn’t take it personally when I backed right off. She does however have lots of other people that she will text/call all the time 😬

Far too intense! Set your boundary’s and do not feel guilty. She sounds so self absorbed, how draining.

I know how you feel as I have been in this situation and it is very very draining.

My 'friend' was quite aggressive though as well as very outspoken and I worked with her so could not get rid of her. The phone calls began the very first day i met her through fb messenger. That was the beginning of a very stressful, draining, anxious journey. The advice I got was to not answer the calls/texts and to leave it a few days before calling back etc. It didn't work, nothing worked - at one point I pretended my phone was broke but I had actually just blocked her. I could not get rid of her because i worked with her. She would turn up at my house if I didnt answer the phone and if I ignored her chapping she would shout my name up at my windows. Eventually i was quite firm on her not coming round one day and she went absolutely crazy at me. Fast forward 9 years after first meeting her, I no longer work with her and thankfully we are no longer 'friends'.

The mistake I made was not laying down firm boundaries at the beginning and letting it go on to long. I will never make that mistake again.

My advice is to only answer/text when you are available. Text back, not all the time though, saying busy the now, will call back later/tomorrow/couple of days but also let a few calls/texts go unanswered. Hopefully that works for you. If you feel you can't chat to her about how it's making you feel then just keep pointing out how busy you are and you don't have time to chat. She should hopefully take a step back.

@ihavenocats
this is similar to me. I rarely answer the phone and when I do it’s usually a call of importance.

i have suggested this before as when I started ignoring the calls, friend asked me why I don’t answer as much and I said I’m more a texting person so to text.
she did dress back slightly although I found would still call and make it seem important (example; she was at the hairdressers two days ago and called me. As we had already spoken not too long before her arriving at the hairdresser - when she called again I answered the phone a little more abruptly than I would usually do. She just apologised for calling again but had to ask my opinion on something. She asked - I answered; then she was silent waiting in the phone for me to start yet again MORE chitter chatter. I said I’m busy and was going to go now. She was trying to start yet more conversation about something irrelevant. When I said “ok I’ll talk to you later” - I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she said bye. I felt a little bad for being dismissive- but again; I’m unsure what else I was expected to say.

6 voice notes and messages is not normal. Just don’t answer the phone. A friend of mine reconnected during lockdown but the length and frequency of calls drove me crazy. I asked her to message instead and she promptly rang me! I’m afraid I blocked her. I don’t have the headspace for that amount of calls.

Are you brave enough to tell her straight?

@Cherrysoup

I was trying to find a subtle way to get her to get the the hint but it seems there isn’t really one as she may not take notice unless I SAY it.

i think that may be my best option