Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I even cut out for work..?!

77 replies

itsoneofthosethings · 23/07/2022 00:11

I'm really struggling.
I'm 25 - been working in various roles in v serious companies since I've been 16, so never been out of work.

I truly feel as though I've never found something I LOVE and want to do.. and I really gets to me.

Every day I dread work. Not so much the work I do, but the people I work with. I struggle to assert myself and I am fully aware that I get walked all over. I'm sick of being told what to do, by colleagues at the same professional level in the company as me.

I'm sick of that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach every morning before I go to work, and the feeling of just wanting the ground to swallow me up / to escape when I'm there. I find I'm always daydreaming of 'what if I just left.. just walked out right now' which is worrying me.

I feel some kind of empowerment knowing that my fate is in my hands, if I wanted to leave and walk away I could. But of course I never would. I need the money to live!

Does anybody else feel this way?! I just want to do something I enjoy. I don't know what to do.. if I should look for a new job; considering I've got a very busy few months coming up with my wedding and honeymoon in September, so it would be a log of stress and upheaval. I just hate this feeling.

I've just come back home today after a lovely weeks holiday and maybe that's what's contributing to my depressive state. But each time I think about Monday, going back to work, I feel like I could cry 😢

I've been receiving emails all week whilst off with things I need to do when back next week, most being from a colleague in particular that appears to take great pleasure in telling me how to do my job; when they aren't even in my department. It's made me wobbly each time I've seen them pop up. I'm just feeling really fragile!

Anybody ever felt the same? Not sure what I'm asking here but I'm just fed up of feeling like I'm stuck in a hole of not really knowing what I want to do and and I want my career to go..

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 09:16

But I'm told it's life, and to get on with it

OK, so your feelings are routinely dismissed by your family members, even when you open up and talk about them and say you need support.

Well, that explains it, doesn't it? You're operation in the pattern you grew up in.

So, it's not your fault, or something wrong with you, it's simply you behaving in the way you've been encouraged to behave, all through your childhood.

This is good news. It's not 'you'. It's just your conditioning, and you can change that. None of this is your fault, but it is your responsibility to get it sorted out, if it's bothering you. You're an adult, now, you're in charge. You're in charge of you, and you're in charge of who you choose to have around you.

dottiedodah · 23/07/2022 09:33

Reminds me of the scene in bridget Jones where "petunia" ever so slightly senior and thinks she is charge! Offices can be toxic possibly why wfh is popular. Maybe look around for other jobs.i would tell your line manager.surely being contacted while on leave is not usual.

Original poster
itsoneofthosethings · 23/07/2022 09:38

I will raise it with manager.
Just feel really unhappy. I hate feeling anxious especially over something as big as work, it's something you have to get on with daily. There is no escape!

OP posts:
confusedlots · 23/07/2022 09:39

You just need to have a good think about the sort of roles you feel you'd be more suited to. For years I worked in a role where I had to interact with lots of clients, chair lots of meetings etc and although there were some aspects of the role I enjoyed, I also felt a bit like you describe now.

I have now ended up (sort of by chance) in a role where I come into work and have an amount of work I need to get through during the day and I can generally prioritise my day as I want to. There's much less interaction with people, but just enough so I don't feel isolated. I'm so much happier in this role and it definitely suits my personality better.

AhaLyn · 23/07/2022 10:00

So I think as an outsider there are a few issues here. I think people with no understanding of anxiety can find it difficult and think you might just being awkward, regarding the the holiday and sick note whilst the reasons are all true and fair, I do see how this would be a bit annoying for your coworkers.

That’s not saying they don’t have empathy, it’s just you’ve made a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, but that’s what anxiety does. I know, I’ve been like this at work years back.

I think the point about your manager being laid back is telling, it sounds like the micro managing co worker is filling a de facto manager role. I do wonder what is going on there.

Could it be that the laid back manager should be doing more and the colleague is trying to help, albeit maybe not in the best way?

AhaLyn · 23/07/2022 10:02

Also can I ask a nosy question that a pp raised? Do you have enough validation outside of work? Are you family supportive? Do you have a fulfilling life outside of work? I only ask this from experience as the times I didn’t, work became everything and it was really unhealthy and negative.

ihavenocats · 23/07/2022 10:10

Yes, I hate working, hate being employed. It destroys my soul. I feel like my life isn't my own, I'm always gearing up to go and be someone's employee. I did it for over 20 years and hated every single second.

Took me a good while to get my arse into gear but I went freelance 7 years ago. I then tried employment again part-time but even that was hell.

The good news is there are a million ways out in the technological age, but you'll need some ingenuity and nous. Marriage and children can also help if you get a man who values a stay at home parent and wants to support a family. Don't stop there though, improve yourself, do creative things with your spare time.

Also, moving around and temping can be useful, bring new skills that you can use later in better roles and freelance stuff. You may be too old but an apprenticeship could be a preferable option as you're learning and it's more interesting than the day to day of full-time work.

Also, if you are single without children it's the perfect time to do lots of "suck it and see" roles and think outside the box about how to use those skills.

ilovesooty · 23/07/2022 10:22

I think you do need to raise those emails with your manager, but if you had a sick note then couldn't submit it the job sounds toxic.

I think it's more complex than just this job but there's no reason to think you're not cut out for work. Some professional guidance might well be helpful in terms of counselling and career coaching.

Eunorition · 23/07/2022 10:24

I think assertiveness training is more what you need. If you were confident, you'd be able to figure out what you wanted to do and you'd be able to set proper boundaries. Right now you're just being walked all over and won't progress as everyone sees you as weak.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 10:25

It destroys my soul

The drama!

Winter2020 · 23/07/2022 10:29

Could you ask your co-worker (who after all is on the same level as you) "oh are we reviewing each other's work now? I'll take a look at yours and give you my feedback tomorrow". I'm sure you can find a little list of things she's done wrong or could improve.

It's very easy for someone to spot the one thing you haven't done and to have no idea about the hundred things you have done. I work in a practical role - night shifts with care/cleaning/laundry/kitchen prep. On any given morning I could probaby tell you myself 10 things I haven't done that I would like to have done given more time/energy but I could also tell you 100 things I have done.

It's very tempting to say a colleague picking faults can you know what but it doesn't help you in real life. Perhaps you could try being overly positive if your colleague says "you didn't do x right" and say "oh - would you like to review my work.. get out giant bullet point list - I sent an invoice to Greg at the suppliers - requesting payment in 7 days....." make sure it is very tedious and takes at least 20 minutes.

Freckledot · 23/07/2022 10:44

Could you just decide to mirror your colleagues way of acting, when you go back? Just for a while? Decide beforehand what to say, so it’s almost like it’s you acting? She might bite your head of the first time you answer back but honestly who cares.
She doesn’t care how she treats you.

It is likely she will respect you more in the future.You are very young, these are for many things you learn the older you get. In the end you take no crap and stand up for others too. I was like you, but I’m not anymore. Even if you on Monday decide to answer back on ONE thing, like the emails, you will feel better. Just one. Act if you have to. You can do this. Let us know how it goes op!

CraftyYankee · 23/07/2022 10:55

Why is she even looking at your work? Does she not have her own job to do?

Have a plan for responding to her. If she has no oversight of you, can you just write a polite note back "thanks for your comments" and then don't engage further. Definitely don't make any changes she has suggested.

Is your partner supportive? Other than the wedding you don't mention your home life at all.

Coffeeenema · 23/07/2022 10:55

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 10:25

It destroys my soul

The drama!

Certain work situations can be soul destroying!

I'm not sure why you're on here mocking someones feelings....

Takeitonthechin · 23/07/2022 10:57

I'd talk to your manager or HR.... I worked with 2 colleagues who tried this on with me... I spoke with my line manager, she sorted it out

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 11:04

Coffeeenema · 23/07/2022 10:55

Certain work situations can be soul destroying!

I'm not sure why you're on here mocking someones feelings....

Show quote history

Nobody needs you to be sure why others post what they post, so don't worry.

Scianel · 23/07/2022 11:12

Nobody needs you to be sure why others post what they post, so don't worry

Stop it. Bored of people posting just to be unpleasant.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 11:19

Scianel · 23/07/2022 11:12

Nobody needs you to be sure why others post what they post, so don't worry

Stop it. Bored of people posting just to be unpleasant.

But you're being unpleasant to me. We're all allowed a voice. There's nothing wrong with pointing out when someone is overly dramatising something. It happens all the time on threads, and often comes from a very sensible standpoint.

If you're bored with what you're reading here, go and do something that interests you. It's not on other posters on MN to keep your life interesting. There's a culture on some threads of not taking responsibility for themselves. It's OP's problem, and the problem of many of those who are agreeing that yes, work can drag you down. But saying it's destroying your soul or that there's no escape is an abdication of responsibility.

If people don't like something, they need to stop doing it. Don't like your job? Change it. Don't like people's posts? Don't read them or learn to ignore. Your feelings aren't someone else's to take care of.

If judging other people's posts is boring you, don't do it anymore. You're not trapped in an unpleasant situation here any more than OP is.

Original poster
itsoneofthosethings · 23/07/2022 12:30

I am going to be looking into a coach to help me with my low self esteem and confidence as I feel that is perhaps the main cause for this issue..

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 12:37

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 11:19

But you're being unpleasant to me. We're all allowed a voice. There's nothing wrong with pointing out when someone is overly dramatising something. It happens all the time on threads, and often comes from a very sensible standpoint.

If you're bored with what you're reading here, go and do something that interests you. It's not on other posters on MN to keep your life interesting. There's a culture on some threads of not taking responsibility for themselves. It's OP's problem, and the problem of many of those who are agreeing that yes, work can drag you down. But saying it's destroying your soul or that there's no escape is an abdication of responsibility.

If people don't like something, they need to stop doing it. Don't like your job? Change it. Don't like people's posts? Don't read them or learn to ignore. Your feelings aren't someone else's to take care of.

If judging other people's posts is boring you, don't do it anymore. You're not trapped in an unpleasant situation here any more than OP is.

Show quote history

Fuck sake. This place…

AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 12:56

To be fair I do think @Watchkeys genuinally tries to help people on here. I've seen from other threads.

Ilady · 23/07/2022 13:47

You could say to her is what a friend of mine said to her colleague one day.
My friend has worked in the same place for years. She has done extra courses, worked late/long hours ect and has a degree, master's and other qualifications.
Her work are planning on making a major change that will involve time away from home for people. I will call this X.
One day her colleague said to her when are you going to be doing X? My friend replied to them I don't know but I will do my work and you can do yours.

My feeling is that your co worker is making your life difficult so that you will move off. She is micro managing you and in the process your losing any confidence you have.
She is not your boss. She needs to be put in her place. I would tell your boss what she is doing and send them all the emails she sent you. Let your boss deal with her.
My advice is that you don't leave this job unless you have another job to go to. Look forward to your wedding and honeymoon. When you come back from that look into course/extra training that will improve your job prospects.

The truth is that you can do your current job. Your boss is not saying you can't. The problem is that you have a horrible co worker who your boss needs to manage.

I had a friend of mine in a job that over time had become toxic. She had moved departments, had a high work load and a horrible boss. She decided to stay in the job until a better job came along. She watched a friend leave a job without having another job to go to. Then at interviews she was asked why she left her last job? It was hard to give a reply that was not along the lines of I had a horrible boss, a high work load or worked in a toxic place.

In your case as well I look to see what other companies ect are nearer to where you live. Find out what type of jobs they have and the qualifications they need. Perhaps doing some extra qualifications could get you a job closer to home.

TheLostNights · 23/07/2022 13:54

I feel for you OP. I feel similar as well, it's really rubbish x

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 23/07/2022 14:02

It's the quarter life crisis

adorablecat · 23/07/2022 17:00

People who actually love their job are in a fortunate minority, but most of us manage to find one that is tolerable and even sometimes fun. Please don't talk yourself into believing that you are too fragile or too sensitive or too special to work for a living-unless your future husband is both able and willing to support you financially for the rest of your life AND will not resent doing so AND and you can handle the inequality inherent in that kind of relationship.