Am I even cut out for work..?!

[itsoneofthosethings]

I'm really struggling.
I'm 25 - been working in various roles in v serious companies since I've been 16, so never been out of work.

I truly feel as though I've never found something I LOVE and want to do.. and I really gets to me.

Every day I dread work. Not so much the work I do, but the people I work with. I struggle to assert myself and I am fully aware that I get walked all over. I'm sick of being told what to do, by colleagues at the same professional level in the company as me.

I'm sick of that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach every morning before I go to work, and the feeling of just wanting the ground to swallow me up / to escape when I'm there. I find I'm always daydreaming of 'what if I just left.. just walked out right now' which is worrying me.

I feel some kind of empowerment knowing that my fate is in my hands, if I wanted to leave and walk away I could. But of course I never would. I need the money to live!

Does anybody else feel this way?! I just want to do something I enjoy. I don't know what to do.. if I should look for a new job; considering I've got a very busy few months coming up with my wedding and honeymoon in September, so it would be a log of stress and upheaval. I just hate this feeling.

I've just come back home today after a lovely weeks holiday and maybe that's what's contributing to my depressive state. But each time I think about Monday, going back to work, I feel like I could cry 😢

I've been receiving emails all week whilst off with things I need to do when back next week, most being from a colleague in particular that appears to take great pleasure in telling me how to do my job; when they aren't even in my department. It's made me wobbly each time I've seen them pop up. I'm just feeling really fragile!

Anybody ever felt the same? Not sure what I'm asking here but I'm just fed up of feeling like I'm stuck in a hole of not really knowing what I want to do and and I want my career to go..

I'd love to go back to education. But I don't know what I'd like to do. I don't want to keep jumping ships with work. I get really anxious about most of the places I've worked before but this colleague is making my current role really difficult for me.
Because I feel like this about almost all the jobs I've had in the past, it's got me thinking. Am I even cut out to work? Am I emotionally stable enough to! I don't have any other alternative as I am an adult and need to pay my bills and mortgage. For that reason education is also not a great idea for me because I need to be earning sufficiently to cover these bills.

Also go to your boss about the colleague. Gird your loins and just do it.

I wish I could be more authoritative and assertive but it's just not me

But that's like saying 'I wish I knew how to make spaghetti bolognese, but it's just not me.'

If you want to do it, learn how to do it. It's that simple. Anxiety stems from feeling things and then judging your feelings ('I shouldn't feel like that', 'I hate that I feel like that', 'I'm weird and different for feeling like that')

Everything you feel is a demonstration of who you are and where you're at. It's all powered by your heart, your soul, your nature. It's all allowed, and it's alright. And you can't control it. What you can do, and what you very much need to do, is to respect it. You don't have to put up with situations where you're uncomfortable. You don't have to take notice of a bossy colleague, and if you don't want to travel to work, find a job where you can work from home, or that's nearer.

You are essentially painting yourself as a victim of your own personality. But you're an adult. If you don't like what you have, change it, rather than complaining that you're powerless to fix it, and then blaming yourself for being weak. It's often the case that we can't change things, and so we have to go elsewhere. Recognising that will be the growing up you need to do.

This. ^

You need some good life coaching given by a professional psychotherapist. If you find the right therapist it will be worth the cost many times over. Do it soon.

What would happen if you decided to just ignore your interfering colleague? She is not your line manager and your line manager is happy with your work. It sounds like this person is only able to push you around if you allow it. So don't engage with her, delete her emails, reply to any instructions to do or redo work by cc'ing in your line manager and saying that requests for you to do work must go through the line manager. She sounds bloody awful!

Get a new job. It's a candidates market out there. Have some therapy to understand why you lack assertiveness and work on this, and then start your new job with a different mindset.

This is all very easily achieved - go for it!

I think I'm just a very weak person! I struggle so much with standing up for myself. I'm so fed up of being walked over, the 'nice' person all the time. It's my nature and I just can't seem to snap out of it! I would so love to be able to tell her where to stick her passive emails

I'm going to look into counselling for confidence support. The idea of WFH for me would be amazing, I don't have to mix with people so often. I am such a sociable person, happy to be round lots of people.. but this colleague in particular is just making work miserable.

I would speak to my manager, but she has form for speaking about most other peoples issues to the other colleagues. Manager and colleague in question sit next to each other and I've often walked in on them discussing other peoples private matters..

I do think I suffer with paranoia. I didn't want this job to go this way, I've felt like this in almost every other job I've ever had and just really hoped this one would be different. Smaller, family run company. But it's just exactly the same. I have the same feelings of dread, fear, anxiety.. paranoia that I'm being spoken about..

Unless I'm the problem.

Well you might upset the dynamic but, do what? That’s what she is doing. Just stick to the facts and say it without emotion. It’s clearly affecting you, and you might not dread the job so much once you’re not being micromanaged by a coworker.

*so what not do what

Oh op after your post above I change my mind, I would find somewhere else that isn’t a tiny family run place.

Oh I know the feeling all too well. I was so unhappy when I was working, and I had a constant knot in my stomach. It takes over your life as even when you're off you're constantly thinking about returning to work. 🙁If you don't mind the actual job and do ok (despite what your colleague says), I would have a chat with your manager about it. You could also tell your colleague how off putting her checking your work is, but I'm not assertive either so I would find this difficult. Also keep an eye on upcoming jobs. There could be something amazing around the corner. 😁

I left a job like yours and I felt invincible. It was awesome. Then my new job was horrible but in a different, more stressful way so I quit and started freelancing. The issue I have is that the work is very on and off and it's been off for a good couple of months, so I'm not earning much at the moment. I guess I'm mostly a SAHM now but it works for us and our family and I must admit I am so happy to not have to wake up every morning feeling sick and dreading work. I know I am going to have to get a new job at some point but I will have to find something more easygoing than my old roles.

I hope it gets easier for you, and I hope you guys have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon!

Request a meeting with your manager, they are probably unaware of these emails being sent to you on holiday and also of your coworker bossing you about, speak up and be heard to get this sorted out.

Five your manager a chance to sort it, if it isn’t sorted then look for a new job,

I'm just a bit concerned I may have already upset the dynamic.

As I said, the team is very small now. Only 4 of us in total.
One colleague left 3 weeks ago that was VERY 'pally' with the colleague that seems to want to micromanage me.

So it's just 4 of us left. And I'm the 'baby' of the group as such. They're all much older than me!!

I had a bit of an issue earlier in the month whereby the doctors wanted to sign me
Off for 5 weeks with stress and anxiety. I was so anxious I couldn't eat, I was shaking, i was in a really bad place. They've given me fluoxetine to try.

During that time that I would have been signed off, my family were going away on holiday, and my family booked me to go away with them as I just so desperately needed a break.

The issue is, I didn't want to let the team down with it already being so small if I were to go off sick / signed off.. so I didn't give in the note. It was a messy situation as I now had a holiday booked so I had to take it unpaid with authorisation from work since I didn't have any holiday left.

This caused a bit of grievance as technically I was booked onto this holiday out of the kindness of my family members heart because they could see first hand that I was reallyStruggling. I was booked on purely because I was going to be signed off work, but I struggled AGAIN with doing what's best for me, hence not giving in the sick note, therefore causing an issue with work.

I know colleague shouldn't know (confidentially) why I was off this past week but I'm sure my manager will have said.. so I think I'm also feeling a sense of dread?

Sorry this is such a long and complex one ☹️

Seems like the co worker wants you out of there and feels threatened by you.I thinkbitx a form of bullying and knowing you were on holiday and sending you those sort of emails about everything you have done wrong (according to her)she is trying her best to undermine you and she's doing a great job at it particularly as you gave a wedding coming up and knows you could have some stress so is adding to it.

It's strange as we are often in the office together alone, other two staff members are in and out on different working patterns etc and they also have the WFH option, whereas in my role I don't.

She's SO lovely when it's just us one on one.. we will talk about things non-work related, her life, what's going on in it.. etc etc. i just find it really odd.

Surely you either like me or you don't! 🥹

Think it's a
Have a wedding
Your colleagues timing is perfect for her ,she wants to be back where she once was but you are in her way she feels

Sorry but I thinkbyour colleague is trying to be clever by being really nice to you but she seems to have all the hallmarks of a sneaky 🐍 snake

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I think you need to have a think and try and work out is it the type of work in this role which you don't enjoy, or the company/culture/people you work with - or a mixture of both! I think sometimes people can be doing a job which in itself is fine, maybe not passionate about, but they don't mind doing because they really like their colleagues. Or conversely they love the work itself but that particular job is made unbearable because they work in a toxic culture with some unpleasant people (or often it only takes one unpleasant person who maybe bullies or just micromanages or is passive aggressive for example to make the who experience stressful).

That might help you decide whether you want to look for a role in a totally different area (and what you might need to do training wise etc) or whether simply a similar role just in a different company with a change of culture/people might be enough to give you a totally different feel about it all. Secondly re the wfh thing - there are plenty of roles which are 100% remote now. Not everyone likes working in an office. Are you quite shy in other areas of your life?

The counselling for the anxiety and assertiveness sounds like a really good plan though whatever you decide to do OP. Best of luck with finding a new happier role but in the meantime focus on looking forward to your wedding - work is just a job at the end of the day and not the most important area of your life.

You aren't the problem. Your working environment is.

I'm in a senior position and a few years ago a micro manager almost destroyed my self confidence. He did it in the name of "improvement" but it was horrendous. Getting a new manager was what I needed to get back on track.

Thank you all.
I suppose I could say I am quite shy in other areas. I just can't for the life of me muster up
The courage to stand up for myself at all in the workplace.. but thinking about it, in a situation outside of work I think I probably could. It's strange..

I'm just feeling extra vulnerable and nervous about going back on Monday following my holiday. I'm not sure how much, if anything, my colleagues will know. I needed a break so much to try to get my head clear but all it's done is (whilst it was so lovely to be away!) made me really anxious about going back.

I put the needs of the company before myself and didn't hand in the sick note the DR's gave me, because I couldn't face leaving everyone else in the dark with me not being there. I also can't afford it as it would just be stat. Sick pay. 🥺

Try reading nice girls dont get the corner office. It'll get you started in the right direction of being assertive.

Where does the shyness stem from, OP? Were your feelings listened to and respected when you were little? Did your parents listen to and respect each other? Or was it regularly the case that people had feelings but they were viewed as irrelevances, not to be made a fuss of?

I feel like a burden with my anxiety. I can't put across how I feel to others and so I probably do sound work-shy and lazy. But that's so far from the truth.

I need to be doing something, not only for money to aid in paying the bills; but for my mental state. I could never sit and do nothing.

I try to explain to family members how I feel about work.. the gut wrenching stomach pains, feeling sick at the thought, feeling so overwhelmed I could cry at my desk. But I'm told it's life, and to get on with it. I'm just feeling very out of my depth.

Op this isn't really about not being suited to work or about your particular job. This is about you finding your voice. If your Co worker has no authority over you then politely ignore her, be assertive, cc in a manager and call out what she is saying e.g. 'Dear manager, annoying colleague is suggesting I need to do x y z but I know we agreed on z y x, can you confirm which you would like to happen please?' And most importantly don't let her power trip get to you. There will always be people like this in the world of work, what does it matter really? Build your life outside of work, get fulfillment elsewhere, that will help your confidence and when you are more confident you will be brave enough to pursue what you love or in my case settle for what you do because it gives other freedoms that are more important.

I struggle because my manger isn't a very good manger.. and I think that's why we get on well. She isn't. Typical 'bossy' and professional manager, she's extremely laid back.. maybe too laid back? She doesn't actually understand my job role or what I do, she doesn't have a clue!!! So she wouldn't know if what I'm doing is right (which it is, I'm doing it by the book following the handover given when I joined the company) or not. But in all my reviews there's never anything she is concerned about / worried about with my work Andy performance..