Get married !! If you are the poorer half

[Lindasllama]

Have read so many different threads on here this evening and still women are putting themselves in such a precarious position..

if your earning power will diminish once pregnant.. if you are /will be reliant on your 'D' P for financial stability when child arrives . Why haven't you both signed that legal contract called marriage ?

I honestly believe this stuff should be taught in schools to empower women to make their own well informed choice before they screw their later lives looking after kids - ending up far poorer than their children's fathers .

If you are the higher earner. Own your own home , have independent income .. then this question does not apply. Only interested in the thoughts of those who will be screwed if DP fucks off and will leave you screwed .

Getting married isnt the answer to women's financial insecurity!
It doesnt solve:

• situations where the couple are asset poor (don't own any property) - child maintenance doesn't make up for a lack of a proper income to get a mortgage with.
• having kids with a bloke who doesn't earn much

The best ways for women to guarantee their own financial security are:

• get your own good full time job - actually plan your career considering how much a job pays and what the long term prospects are
• save up before a pregnancy and return to work after maternity leave, splitting child care costs with your childs father.
• save in your own name
• make sure property is in your name & that you are contributing towards the mortgage.

The answer is earn your own money and remain financially independent.

Exactly! It's disgusting that you think a woman needs to do this to a man, instead of taking responsibility for her own independence. I was the lower earner compared to dh but I can see that is because of the choices that I made. Girls don't need to be taught this in school ffs. They need to be taught that they are responsible for their own financial situation, not go marry a man.

This ! Take responsibility and accountability for your own choices. It's 2022, there are no excuses to hide behind this mentality that women are some precious, vulnerable, feeble species that have no capacity. It is your responsibility.

Well, I will certainly be encouraging dd not to put herself in a financially vulnerable position where she is dependent on a partner without any legal protection.

However, I will also be warning her about potentially putting her assets at risk by legally attaching herself to someone who can't or won't pull their weight financially and may later lay claim to what she has earned.

Best case scenario in my view is that she will work towards being financially independent, get together with someone who shares that goal and then both maintain their careers so that they will always be able to support themselves. Of course, life gets in the way sometimes, and sickness/disability etc can make it impossible for one partner to work, and that's where the other has to step in to support, but being in a relationship where partners are contributing about the same financially is the ideal as far as I'm concerned, and I hope that that's the kind of relationship that dd will end up in.

Well I mean for me it means that staying married is always the most financially safe thing to do.

It would be far more sensible to tell women to keep their jobs and make sure their names are on the house deeds/rental agreement. Better to have financial security for yourself than rely on anyone else.

I have informed my son what a failed marriage could cost him and I think he’s put off for life

Me too

There are now civil partnerships as well as marriage which give the same legal benefits and protections.

It’s all well and good saying women should be financially independent, have a career and so on but even the best laid plans can go tits up. The same with saying only enter into marriage/civil partnership if you’re the lower earner but avoid it if you are the higher earner- your comparative earnings could fluctuate over the long term.

I married young. I was degree educated, with a career and the higher earner by a factor of 3. I married a poor working class man who didn’t get his GCSEs until he was in his 20s and worked in a factory. By MN, I should never have married.

But then I was completely disabled in a hit and run accident. I lost my job, my career, my ability to work, and my income went from six figures to the pittance of state disability benefits and a workplace ill health pension. In the meantime, my DH had gone to University and was now a degreed professional earning a good salary and owned a business on the side. Now the tables were fully turned. He was the cash cow in the relationship. He was also now caring for a disabled wife.

If he’d decided my condition was too much for him, he could have fucked off. And people do in these sorts of situations all the time. A colleague of mine left her partner when he went blind. And if we weren’t married, I’d have no claim on anything he built up during our marriage with my support- after all I paid his tuition costs at University. I supported us and the DC while he went to Uni full time and only worked PT. He didn’t get to where he is without my support.

Too, if I had not been married and not survived the accident, my DH and by extension DC would have lost quite a bit to inheritance tax. Married/civil partner couples can inherit everything from their other half tax free.

So, I don’t think there are any rules of thumb to marry/civil partner or not. I agree though that boys and girls need to be educated on marriage/civil partnership vs cohabitation and what that means for legal rights and then make their own decisions. Because it doesn’t just matter what your circumstances are now, it matters what kind of person your partner is and what your future might be.

This. In giant neon letters.
This should form part of the primary school curriculum tbh. It's so important.

I thought it was all about the house - as it used to be common for people with kids to own a house.
If there’s no house then no bother…

I would have been so better off if I hadn't married my ExH before having my daughter
We married, bought the house, had a child & he quit his job, became a lazy abusive b*d, ran up debts & the divorce cost me more than he deserved
Marriage does not provide financial security in all case.

Don't rely on a man financially in the first place. Marriage isn't the magic solution.

What financial independence do you think a woman on minimum wage will have when she has children? Because not everyone is able to study or train their way into 6-figure jobs with good maternity perks and flexible hours. Your carers, waitresses, shop workers are going to struggle to do it alone if they want children. Unless you think only well-off women should have children, then? It's very ignorant to say women just need to be taught to do better for themselves.

Less difficult now with no fault divorce.

Not much of this is true. Spousal maintenance is more common than you think, for a start.

Also

if you split having given up your career for a man

is a bit offensive, isn’t it? No one gives up their career for ‘a man’ - they give up their career for their children.

Goesbothways ·
I have informed my son what a failed marriage could cost him and I think he’s put off for life

Ive tried to educate my son too, his dad and myself are divorced and each own a house which he will eventually inherit when we've popped off. These houses will eventually become a part of the marital assets when we are no longer here.

Sons have to be educated too for their future marriages. He still wants to meet the right lady, marry and have children, bless his non cynical little soul. 😀

I think it is important that everyone understands the legal differences between being married and being in a long term relationship and not being married. Not just in the sense of division of assets upon divorce but also such things as next of kin at death, whether survivor's pension will be paid etc. There are still people who think that common law marriage exist sand confers the same status as actual marriage, and it must be very distressing to find that one party is not able to be next of kin legally as no marriage has taken place.

Been with dp for 3 years and never married.
I legally own half of everything and I won't be screwed if we split up.
Don't give up your financial independence and earn your own money

No one gives up their career for ‘a man’ - they give up their career for their children.

No but they sure are quick to blame a man.

Exactly!! So many women who would love not to work and be sahp but won't admit that, easier to blame a man.

If his assets are more than £325k you’ll pay unnecessary tax if he dies though. And would you get his death in service payment if he has one? I know someone who’s missed out on over £1 million because she wasn’t married to her partner.

As a couple of other posters have said the advice to remain financially independent does not consider the potential for illness or disability. I was the higher earner for the first decade of our marriage and continued to work ft with the first two children. We didn't expect DC3 to be born disabled but the impact on my ability to work when they were was enormous. DH's earnings had caught up with mine by then. Totally fair enough to encourage everyone to be independent but the unexpected does happen to some!

I'm opposed to treating cohabiting couples as if married from a financial perspective. It removes the ability for those who do not wish to have any financial link to live together when there may be good reason, eg wanting to pass inheritance to their own children. Couples should weigh up what marriage means for their circumstances and make an informed choice.

I agree with PP that marriage doesn't necessarily give the financial protection many on MN think.
I know a woman who's DH left her suddenly for another woman, emptied their joint bank account, stopped making mortgage payments, cancelled all his direct debits for household bills and just refused to communicate with her at all. She was later told by a solicitor this is more common than people think. He was by far the higher earner but suddenly she was responsible for paying everything. They had a DC at university and he also withdrew all financial support from them. She increased her hours at work but still ended up going into debt. After very lengthy and stressful court proceedings she was eventually granted permission to sell the marital home. She got half the proceeds from the sale but got nothing else in the divorce as he claimed to have no other assets/savings. She suspects these were transferred into OW's name. She is now living in a small flat, still working FT in her 60's and can't see how she will ever be able to retire.