Should you could and clean for a 19yr old

[Lillady26]

my partners son lives with us and is 19 year old just recently started working so not yet paying any rent it’s very frustrating as he isn’t to messy but also no tidy he doesn’t clean after him self or doesn’t wash his own cloths or dishes ect actually does nothing at all round the house and expects things like his cloths to be ironed and his dinner to be made he doesn’t eat the same foods as we do and I used to cook 2 diffrent meals a day for us all but I recently got annoyed and stopped this and only cook him food if we are having food and he is having the same thing I feel cruel and he gets annoyed at the fact his dinners are not made aswel. It’s akward conversation as I am not his mother but if he wants to live with us he needs to act his age and start looking after himself I don’t feel I should be doing his cooking and cleaning ? Sorry about the rant

With a 19 year old you should only do something for them if you want to, same as any other adult.

'I'm not your servant' should work.

At 19 and not paying board, he should be cleaning for you! Cheeky sod. Time to set some house rules.

I have a 20 yr old.

I don't touch (or enter) her bedroom.

No problem with doing her washing or cooking for her. I moan a bit if she doesn't pick up after herself/pull her weight in communal areas.

But she's mine and I love her and enjoy having her around.
Maybe the key is that your DH steps up and does more?

I certainly wouldn't be doing his ironing

I would say if I was putting a wash on could he bring his clothes down

He needs to step up

Have you or his Dad spoke to him about this? Or just passive aggressively stopped doing stuff for him.

I think there needs to be an expected adjustment period from when you talk to him about doing more, detailing exactly what and him actually doing it effectively.

At 19 I paid a nominal amount of board to dm and stepdad. My room was my territory, but my dm would do my washing (only what was in the laundry basket and not left on the floor or bed) she would cook for me if I was home when they were eating, but I also occasionally cooked or bought the 3 of us a takeaway, or would cook for myself. And I would do everyone's ironing as a trade for dm doing laundry and stepdad giving me occasional lifts if I was going out

No. Stop doing it all. His a man

When mine were that age we all cooked and cleaned for each other. If the laundry basket was full and they were home, they would put a load on. When they were home before me, if I was working lates for example, then they would cook for all of us. They would vacuum or dust or clean the bathrooms and they always but always, washed up/cleaned up after themselves.

He needs to pull his weight.

I’d ask him on exactly what basis he thinks I should be ironing his stuff or making his dinner, especially if it wasn’t what I was making for the rest of the household. You aren’t his mother (and even if you were he’s not a child), you aren’t his wife or his girlfriend, you’re not his housekeeper and he’s not doing anything in return to help you out. Stop doing anything for him. Time for him to be a grown up, nothing cruel about expecting an adult to make themselves a meal.

My 19 yr old DS does his own washing and ironing. He feeds the cats, does house work, puts the bins out and cooks at least 4 times a week for us both, he also contributes £250 a month.

Stop doing everything for him. How else will he learn?

Have you and his dad sat down and discussed what each of you will be doing round the house and what dss is responsible for? If not, that's your first step!

Living together is an adjustment for you all.

He should be doing his own washing, keeping his room clean, his own ironing, taking turns to cook, shop and do dishwasher and other chores.

Thanks for the comment we so love him of course the problem is more the expectation and as for doing his washing I don’t mind that if he could even bring it through would be helpful and maybe wash his own dishes if there’s mo dishes in the sink I don’t mind doing them when we have all eating together

I have a 19 DD. I do the cooking because she eats the same as us. We have a few days a week where we sort ourselves out though. She does her washing most of the time but I ask her to add in hers if I need to fill a load. I always clean on a Monday so when I get to her room I just hand her the products and ask her to get to it. She is waiting for an autism assessment though and isn't great at adulting

When I lived at home at his age I was studying full-time, working two evenings a week and at weekends, paying digs, did all my own washing etc, cleaned my room, was in the rota for cleaning the bathroom/livingroom/kitchen, and took turns cooking tea for everyone twice a week. It was just expected in my family.

Your partner's son is an adult - he should be pulling his weight. If I were you I'd talk to your partner (you'll both really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet here), then partner explains to son he needs to pull his weight and that means A, B, C. Then make sure you don't do anything he should be doing until he's in the swing of it. Then it's fair enough to say you're putting a wash on, does he need anything done, just how I'd expect him to be saying the same to you. If you do this sort of thing too soon though it's too easy to slip back to old ways.

Why has your DH not asked him to step up? Why is it all on you?

At 19, I was independent and living away from home, studying with a job and paying my own rent. Not expecting everything to be done for me.

He does get on at him but honestly doesn’t seem to make much a difference he just gets annoyed and goes in a huff we just can’t seem to teach him like I said before doing his washing is fine am washing any way but just things like doing his dishes if the sink is empty and general tidying up after him self it’s the expectation I don’t agree with no gratefulness when I do anything for him

Is part of the problem that your DP doesn't see anything wrong with this and sees it as your role as a woman to do this OR sees his DS still as a child who needs this care. Perhaps he received this level of mothering when he was 19 and so doesn't think there is anything odd here. I think you need to talk to DP first of this is the case

Does your DH do his fair share of the cooking?

I have a twenty year old living at home. If I’m doing my washing, it’s as easy to bung his in the washing machine. Similarly, if I’m cooking, then I;cook for him also.

However, if wants to eat at a different time, or wear an ironed top, he’s more than capable of ironing.

on his day off, I always ask him to do asome housework - wash towels, clean bathroom etc. He wouldn’t think,to volunteer to do this, but he does do them. He sometimes cooks the evening meal also (he always does his own lunch etc).

If doesn’t expect me to do things. Once he kept asking to wash his white shirts. I said he can do them if urgent, and deliberately didn’t wash them!

Sorry not sure what DH means am assuming it’s my husband if so yeh he does we take turns most days unless he has a heavy work schedule then I do it that week

Thank you for comment honestly this is all I expect from him just things that he is capable of doing him self he does like I said I don’t mind the washing if I M washing cloths any way

Not unless you are their carer

Just stop doing it. Or ask him to find somewhere else to live.

He's not contributing anyway.

Stop doing all of it, he sounds entitled. Let his dad run around after him.

But don’t you see he’s an adult and he needs to learn to do these things himself? You’re not helping him by doing them for him.