Should you could and clean for a 19yr old

[Lillady26]

my partners son lives with us and is 19 year old just recently started working so not yet paying any rent it’s very frustrating as he isn’t to messy but also no tidy he doesn’t clean after him self or doesn’t wash his own cloths or dishes ect actually does nothing at all round the house and expects things like his cloths to be ironed and his dinner to be made he doesn’t eat the same foods as we do and I used to cook 2 diffrent meals a day for us all but I recently got annoyed and stopped this and only cook him food if we are having food and he is having the same thing I feel cruel and he gets annoyed at the fact his dinners are not made aswel. It’s akward conversation as I am not his mother but if he wants to live with us he needs to act his age and start looking after himself I don’t feel I should be doing his cooking and cleaning ? Sorry about the rant

Yeh I defo see him as an adult and at his age I was expected to do things my self I just not sure how we can turn it around and make him independent

This is exactly the problem he thinks he is entitled his grandmother and mother still treat him as a child when he is at there homes and expects the same here

Hell, no. I have a 17 year old. Me or DH cook one meal, he eats it or if he's not going to be in, he makes something else. Sometimes he makes dinner for us. He cleans his own room, tidies up after himself, and helps with the household chores. He babysits his younger sister if we are going out, and picks her up from school if his schedule allows. I do the laundry for everyone, but he puts it all away, and I haven't ironed for him since he was about 13. It sounds like both your DH and SS are taking advantage of you.

It's too bad. Stick to your guns

If he wants to live with you, then he needs to respect your way of doing things otherwise he can live with his other relatives if he wants a servant

So talk to him! Tell him that you and his dad work, he's an adult, he's paying no rent so he needs to pull his weight around the house. He's young and fit, and these are all life skills.

If he resists, ask him why he thinks you and his dad should be looking after him as if he was a toddler...

Btw, what does he eat that you don't? Why did you make separate meals for him?!

I'd show him how to use the iron and the washing machine and tell him his own washing is his job. If you've got a dishwasher show him how to load and empty it, and also ask him to take the bins out if they're full. IME 19 is an age when people haven't yet worked out how much slog there is in keeping a household ticking over, and you need to get tough.

I have a 16 and a 17 year old.

I wash their clothes, when I wash mine, if they are in the washing basket. If not, it's up to them.
I iron school uniform, but anything else is up to them.
I return clean clothes in a pile for them to put away, which they do.
I cook them food if they are eating the same meals as us, which is mostly. If not, they cook and clear away their own. I'm still having to train them that if the dishwasher is full of clean stuff that they need to empty it, rather than just stacking their dirties on the side. They are a little resistant to this, but the message is slowly getting through!
I largely leave them to their own devices regarding their bedrooms, but I'll remind them if bedding hasn't been changed or hoovering hasn't happened for more than a couple of weeks, and they'll generally do it in the next day or two. They also need reminding to clean their bathroom, but will do a quick wipe over once reminded (not to my standards, but they're the ones using it).

On top of that they will offer to cook us food if they're cooking something, or pick stuff up from the shop if they're going there. They'll ask us if anything needs washing if they're (rarely) putting a load on.

They're definitely not fully functioning as adults, and they don't do stuff to the standards that I do, but they're gradually moving in the right direction. By 19 I hope they'll be pulling their weight fully!

(I'm using I as a shorthand for DH and I. He fully pulls his weight.)

We have a washing up rota in our house and I’m not on it. I shop, cook and do the laundry. If it’s in the basket it gets washed, if it isn’t it doesn’t. DS20 tends to do his own.
I make an evening meal and they either eat with me or it is left in the microwave for them to reheat. But whoever’s washing up night it is does it (even if that’s at 2am!)
All the other jobs - hoovering, cleaning the bathroom etc get dished out depending on who is at home, who is working and what needs doing.
DS pays £100 a month board too, which is a token gesture really but is a valued contribution.

He’s not grateful because he doesn’t understand the effort in domestic drudgery - because he’s never had to do it. He’s not going to appreciate you doing stuff for him until he’s experienced doing it all himself.

You/your husband/his other relatives are actually not doing him any favours (or any future housemates or partners) by infantilising him - he needs to learn how to do these jobs properly and pitch in to the running of a home. That might involve him being huffy or uncomfortable or hungry for a bit - that’s ok, he won’t die and it’s not cruel. Lots of 19 year olds are eg students living away from home and manage to cook themselves a dinner!

Well, I work full time and don’t live in 1952 so it’s be a Fuck No from me.

And the problem is your DH - why is he watching you skivvy for a 19yo?

He doesn’t eat our meals we like normal foods and he basically lives of burgers pizzas chips junk food really

Your definitely right I do need to get tough really appreciate all the advice

Why are you indulging this?
Just don't do his washing and ironing, you don't even need a discussion about this- that's his personal maintenance and is none of your business.
As far as contributing to household chores is concerned, you can have a house meeting and tell him he can be rota'd chores, or he can independently do chores off his own bat.
Together, you, he, DH and anyone else in the house can compile a list of what needs doing on a weekly/dailybasis and work out how you will divide it up between you. Point out that reminding him all the time is demeaning for him and annoying for you.
Problem is, that if DH doesn't step up and do his fair share, DSS will follow his father's lead.

Lots of people are telling you what you need to do, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in yet.

Stop doing it. All of it. Until he does what has been clearly communicated to him that is expected of him.

Don't go into his room to fish out dishes and washing and clean the room - he needs to do it himself. Get your DH (it stands for dear husband and is shorthand for husband) to give him a hard copy of expectations, even if you have to write it - and put copies up in the kitchen and relevant places. It should list simply what is his responsibility.

Then you simply totally stop doing anything for him until he does this shit for himself. Make it clear that if he doesn't know how to e.g. run the washing machine, you will teach him (NOT do it for him).

Definitely stop cooking seperate meals for him. He can have what you're having or fend for himself - and if he wants there to be burgers and chips in the freezer to feed for himself from, he'd sure better keep on top of bringing dishes out of his room and washing up, hadn't he.

It's not just about what makes your life harder, it's not even just about respect for you although that's part of it - it's about raising a young man who has the life skills and self discipline that he needs. Its also about and preparing him be in a relationship successfully in the future, because can you bloody imagine being his girlfriend if all he's ever known is that being bratty and entitled gets the women in your life to cook and clean for you?! Do him a favour as well as yourself and stop enabling really unhealthy patterns and lack of respect for yourself and all women. You're making it worse for him in the long run.

A 19 year old should do a share of housework.

Grimchmas It has sunk in and I have been worried about the fact he will expect his future partners to do everything for him I just needed to figure out how to get this across to him with out arguments in the house . Speaking with his dad today and we are going to sit down and speak to him

I might wash their clothes in with ours, or offer them food if I'm cooking, but there's no way I'd be ironing clothes (folded and put on their bed, I'd not put away), I'd not clean their room, or cook anything specific. If they wanted x to eat, then they do it themselves. I'd also expect them to cook a few times a wee for us too

I have a 19 year old and I do most of it but he pays a far bit of board and I don't work .

He does cook a fair bit and he likes to deep clean the kitchen and he'll occasionally put his own washing on. I don't touch his office or bedroom so he cleans them

He also helps out with his younger siblings

I’d include him if you’re cooking anyway (assuming he’s happy to eat the same stuff*) and happily stick his clothes in with the rest for a wash. I certainly wouldn’t be doing any of it specially.

He should definitely be doing his own cleaning and tidying up after himself. At 19 he’s old enough to understand that cleaning etc is work and doesn’t happen by magic. None of you is doing him any favours by treating him like some sort of princelet who can’t wash up his own mug.

• On food, I initially assumed he was having different things because eg he’s vegetarian or has allergies and I think it’s reasonable to accommodate that. Your later posts suggest it’s just because he prefers junk food- no way would I cook specially for that reason.

You need to sit down and agree house rules.

for us it’s keep the bedroom and bathroom at the very least hygienic and do your own laundry. they also make their own packed lunch for work.

I put the weekly menu on a white board in the kitchen and if they want to eat the same then great, if not they need to sort themselves out and I make a cupboard and shelf in the fridge free for this purpose.

I don’t charge rent but we expect a large proportion of income to be saved to facilitate moving out asap

I have a 19 yo. I don't go in her room. It's disgusting (she's very untidy).

But we all take it in turns to cook. We all clean the house together on a Saturday, and she will walk the dogs/tidy/sweep/do the dishwasher as well. I have to set rules about when they use the kitchen (otherwise various teens are eating all day) and what the expectations are about tidying up after themselves - ie they leave it spotless after they have their lunch/breakfast/snacks. I don't do her washing.

I have other children and we would normally have a rota for cooking the family meal (I like us all to eat together in the evening if possible) and dog walking (because they all feel so aggrieved if they think they are doing more than the others) although haven't got to that yet (my dds have just come back from university and are both working).

I expect mine to all eat the same meal in the evening all together. We agree the menu and write it on the board in the kitchen. They all add what food they want to the Alexa shopping list and I do my best to cater for them. They sort their own lunch.

You have a Husband problem not a Step Son problem...

...this is for your partner to address. Not for you to just put up with.

He is working so he should be paying into the house.
If he doesn’t want what you cook then he can buy his own and cook it.
He should be responsible for cleaning his room, changing his bed and either washing his clothes or putting them in an agreed basket whatever is convenient for you. If he wants anything ironed then he should be doing it.
And he should be doing his share of the communal tasks like washing up, bathroom, loo and kitchen cleaning.