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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some down time with my DC?

77 replies

TimeAway · 21/07/2022 17:11

Booked some time off over the upcoming holidays and was planning to do some stuff with DC (shared with DH) who are young primary. I've really been looking forward to it, DH was due to be working and I couldn't wait to just get some time with our children by ourselves and take them to a few places, have some fun, chat, spoil them a bit and just spend some well needed down time together.

DH has just now informed me he's going to take the same time off so we can all do things together as a family (we being me, him and DSC). DSC are lovely but they are much older (secondary age) and going out together is just not the same, the vibe is completely different it becomes all about them, their petty arguments with each other, what they want to do, them getting bored etc..

I just want to spend some time with my children and I don't want them all to tag along. DH thinks I'm totally unreasonable.

For clarity, we have a few more days here and there in the holidays we could potentially all be together but in the main I'm working and we are sorting childcare between DH (he works from home), some clubs and family and obviously DSCs mum is covering half of their care too.

AIBU to stick to my guns on this? We weren't even supposed to have DSC that week, I planned it then precisely because of that so I could get some time with our DC but now he's asked to swap with his ex so we can do "family stuff" and I'm just pretty mad that my time with DC is getting trampled yet again and he doesn't get my point at all.

Just not looking forward to it at all now. I feel like trying to swap the weeks with work and childcare to do it another time and not telling him.

OP posts:
SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 21/07/2022 17:25

Is DH 'allowed' solo time with your shared chikdren, or is it just you?

I think it's really nice that your DH has booked time off and wants to involve his older children in days out with their younger siblings.

However, if you feel strongly, stick to it being just 'your' days with your DC and don't 'let' them 'tag along'.

declutteringmymind · 21/07/2022 17:27

Could you suggest that he takes them out on something more grown up eg a 12 film, and you do something for younger children for a few days? Then you can have days all together too to balance it.

Threetulips · 21/07/2022 17:31

So he can’t be bothered to arrange and organise days out and thinks that’s your job to entertain him and other children.

Nope! I’d tell him straight.

He is responsible for his children and organise their timetable.

Threetulips · 21/07/2022 17:31

Could you suggest that he takes them out on something more grown up eg a 12 film
why is this OPs job to organise their time?

SecretVictoria · 21/07/2022 17:32

Hope you’ve got your hard hat on OP!

You're not unreasonable….but neither is DH. Unless he is one of those who never does things if the DSC are not included.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 17:33

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 21/07/2022 17:25

Is DH 'allowed' solo time with your shared chikdren, or is it just you?

I think it's really nice that your DH has booked time off and wants to involve his older children in days out with their younger siblings.

However, if you feel strongly, stick to it being just 'your' days with your DC and don't 'let' them 'tag along'.

Of course he is, he can do whatever he likes with his time off. I would never tell him he can't arrange dad & DC days if that's what he wants and I certainly wouldn't just tell him I was now tagging along on them if he'd expressed the desire.

I have no problem planning some family days, as I say we have some other days we'll all be together but he knew I was looking forward to this time. I don't get to do it often. He's SE and is a lot more flexible with his time.

It's not even like we can just do some days of this week me and DC and some all of us as I know I'll be made out like a witch if I leave him and DSC home whilst I do something fun with DC.

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 21/07/2022 17:36

YANBU. It totally changes the dynamic. I don’t know how you can get him to listen though.

Rtmhwales · 21/07/2022 17:37

Could you book the time off for when the DSC aren't there and do solo stuff with your kids? What was the plan for DSC if they were originally to be there and you were off with your kids - were they staying home while DH worked?

I doubt they'll honestly want to do what you have planned. I'd also make it clear you want to do certain kid things and you're not changing the activity and they're welcome to join but at the first hint of complaint DH takes them off to do something.

chocolateoranges33 · 21/07/2022 17:37

YANBU. Id just explain how you want to spend some time with just your children and you've been looking forward to it. You're completely entitled to do that and it's really unlikely your dsc if they're teenagers would want to do whatever you've planned for your kids anyway! If he doesn't like it - tough.

Cherrysoup · 21/07/2022 17:42

Presumably, you want to do some really suitable for small children which the older ones won’t like? Yanbu. Whilst the mumsnet vibe is ‘You had dc with someone who has older dc’, they aren’t yours and you are entitled to not have them in the time his ex was meant to have them. It’s not like you deliberately excluded them.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 18:30

Could you book the time off for when the DSC aren't there and do solo stuff with your kids?

That's exactly what I did and he then changed it.

OP posts:
Vikinga · 21/07/2022 18:36

Stick to your guns op. My 4 are all mine and the last few years has been really hard to do any joint activities. The teens get bored and grumpy and like you say, it's a different vibe. We spent years doing stuff together but now it works a lot better splitting activities as they all have different interests.

YellowPlumbob · 21/07/2022 18:45

As per, you’re the witch for going out with your DC, instead of him being the shit lazy Dad sat at home with his DC that he cannot be arsed to organise anything with.

I have 3DDs. Two are teens, one is young primary. It is rare that I can find anything that my youngest wants to do that my elder two would also enjoy. So they bugger off with their mates, and I get dragged to fucken soft play.

Swimming is the only thing all three love to do, but planning it around the elder twos busy social lives is rather tricky.

They would not thank me if I dragged them along to something 6YO wants to do in the guise is “family time”.

He needs to recognise that

  • they have different needs
  • they will want time alone with him
Does he ever do anything alone with them?
Exiledone · 21/07/2022 18:48

I'd tell him that since he's booked the time off, you're going to save your leave and go back into work.

And yes I did this this week when DH pulled a similar stint with work!

BoxOfCats · 21/07/2022 18:49

YANBU. Cancel your leave and he can look after all of the kids on his own if he's so keen on family time. Have your week off another time.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 18:58

It's hard because I guess not everything I was planning is strictly just for younger DC so I'll feel like I can't do them now. Like the aquarium, beach if it's nice weather, picnic in the park that sort of thing.

DSC are only just secondary (one starting this year the other started last year) so not older teens.

As for saying they are welcome to join but he can take them off if they start to complain... To be honest they aren't welcome! I know that sounds awful but I just wanted this time with my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 18:59

He'll be annoyed at the idea of me changing the week I'm off to purposefully avoid spending "family time". I wish he could just understand that I don't want to do everything with DSC and even him all the time.

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 18:59

I'd be really frustrated with this, especially as you already have other time you're planning to spend altogether.

Personally in this scenario I would makes plans with younger DC either alone or with friends/my family for a few days of that week and just tell your DH that's what you're doing. Presumably it will not be stuff that SC would want to do anyway so he's going to have to entertain them.

But I completely understand why you're pissed off that you will now have to either do it all alone or find someone else to go with since your DH has done this.

Does he do things at the weekend with you and your children?

GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 19:09

Ah ok, I see SCs aren't older teens so would probably still enjoy the stuff you're planning, which makes it way more awkward.

I don't know what the answer is but I completely feel for you. I am expecting my first with DP and he has 2 children already and I dread stuff like this cropping up. I am always happy to do things with SC but also think it's even more important in this kind of situation that all children get time with the 'torn' parent, especially when there is a bit of an age gap where it ends up being one parent with one set and one with the other.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 19:15

I just think my children deserve some time with me, being the centre of attention sometimes and I deserve it too. After all they are of course my priority.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/07/2022 19:15

Just change your leave week if you can. He wan have a fantastic family week with all his children together.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 19:20

I will try, it might be a bit late now to do that with work. What do I do if I can't swap it!? I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 21/07/2022 19:26

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you want some time just you and your DC. But I also don’t think it’s unreasonable that your husband wants to spend his time off with all of his children. Whilst to you it might ruin the dynamic to have them there because to you your family unit is you, DH and your shared DC, he probably feels that it’s never quite right without his older children because you, him and your DC are not his complete family unit; his older children would be included in that just as much as your kids are.

Take some time off to spend alone with your kids if you like but I don’t think it’s right to insist that he exclude half his children from spending his time off work with him.

Original poster
TimeAway · 21/07/2022 19:29

Outlyingtrout · 21/07/2022 19:26

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you want some time just you and your DC. But I also don’t think it’s unreasonable that your husband wants to spend his time off with all of his children. Whilst to you it might ruin the dynamic to have them there because to you your family unit is you, DH and your shared DC, he probably feels that it’s never quite right without his older children because you, him and your DC are not his complete family unit; his older children would be included in that just as much as your kids are.

Take some time off to spend alone with your kids if you like but I don’t think it’s right to insist that he exclude half his children from spending his time off work with him.

This is the thing. It wasn't supposed to be his time off. He was supposed to be working! I wasn't planning on going anywhere with him, I was going to go alone with our DC!

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 21/07/2022 19:30

Sorry just read the OP again and realised that’s exactly what you were trying to do 🤦🏻‍♀️ In that case, just stick to your plan. He either needs to take the same week off and accept that it's just you and your DC, or take a different week off and have all the kids together on his own (if you don't want to/can't take more time to spend altogether with SDC too)