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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some down time with my DC?

77 replies

TimeAway · 21/07/2022 17:11

Booked some time off over the upcoming holidays and was planning to do some stuff with DC (shared with DH) who are young primary. I've really been looking forward to it, DH was due to be working and I couldn't wait to just get some time with our children by ourselves and take them to a few places, have some fun, chat, spoil them a bit and just spend some well needed down time together.

DH has just now informed me he's going to take the same time off so we can all do things together as a family (we being me, him and DSC). DSC are lovely but they are much older (secondary age) and going out together is just not the same, the vibe is completely different it becomes all about them, their petty arguments with each other, what they want to do, them getting bored etc..

I just want to spend some time with my children and I don't want them all to tag along. DH thinks I'm totally unreasonable.

For clarity, we have a few more days here and there in the holidays we could potentially all be together but in the main I'm working and we are sorting childcare between DH (he works from home), some clubs and family and obviously DSCs mum is covering half of their care too.

AIBU to stick to my guns on this? We weren't even supposed to have DSC that week, I planned it then precisely because of that so I could get some time with our DC but now he's asked to swap with his ex so we can do "family stuff" and I'm just pretty mad that my time with DC is getting trampled yet again and he doesn't get my point at all.

Just not looking forward to it at all now. I feel like trying to swap the weeks with work and childcare to do it another time and not telling him.

OP posts:
GnusSitOnCanoes · 21/07/2022 19:41

@TimeAway I’d have no qualms in carrying on with your plans, and telling your DH he will need to make separate arrangements with your SC. He has created this problem by riding roughshod over your plans without asking you - it’s not your job to sort it out. Enjoy your time away with your DC!

berksandbeyond · 21/07/2022 19:44

This is (one of) the reasons why I wouldn't have married a man with children from a previous relationship. This is kind of what you sign up for i'm afraid

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2022 19:53

YANBU at all, and your DHs attitude sounds like a real problem. I think you need to stick to your guns and force him to accept that you won't always want to do everything with his kids and he needs to respect your feelings on that. You shouldn't have to live with the pretence that that isn't reasonable.

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2022 19:53

berksandbeyond · 21/07/2022 19:44

This is (one of) the reasons why I wouldn't have married a man with children from a previous relationship. This is kind of what you sign up for i'm afraid

No it isn't, it's possible to bring kids to the table and still respect your partner's need for space, especially when they don't live there full time and things can be arranged to accommodate it.

Circumferences · 21/07/2022 20:03

I'd feel a bit taken advantage of here, like he's thought "oh great wifey has time off, then she can entertain me and my kids too so I can play at families without having to do anything"

If he really wants some family time with all of you all together, suggest you arrange it for another week in the summer when you're actually mentally prepared for it.

Jovanka · 21/07/2022 20:07

I don’t blame you for being annoyed OP. I would be frustrated too. I think you need to say to DH that he takes his DC and your shared DC out together during the time you are working and he would have his DC anyway. You will feel resentful otherwise of missing out on your alone time with your DC as planned. Surely he can see it changes things?

Mally100 · 21/07/2022 20:08

Yanbu, they are not your children and you are most certainly entitled to time alone with your own kids! I would tell him quite firmly that's what's happening and he can get upset or feel whatever, but it isn't changing. Your kids are little and I can understand wanting to enjoy this time with them. Don't feel bad at all, you don't have a reason to.

Mally100 · 21/07/2022 20:10

berksandbeyond · 21/07/2022 19:44

This is (one of) the reasons why I wouldn't have married a man with children from a previous relationship. This is kind of what you sign up for i'm afraid

Not really, she doesn't have to just suck it up. She planned this on the week they were not meant to be there but he changed the plans. She doesn't need to grin and bear at the expense of spending precious time with just her own children.

GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 20:11

Have you spoke to him about it OP? What would he say if you said you were still going to be taking your children out alone for at least a few days?

Goldbar · 21/07/2022 20:20

I'd be tempted to tell him great, if he's got the time off, what you actually fancy is a few child-free days away so you're going to book something just for you and he can wrangle all the kids.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2022 20:57

That would really piss me off OP. It feels incredibly manipulative of him.

Knowing when you had time off to spend with DC, and then changing his time off to co incide.

i think you need to put your foot down and insist that time off is separate, and that you get this week alone with your dc. Then he can have his time off with all four (?) of his children. This saves using a holiday club or similar.

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:20

Thanks. I've told him it's not happening. I don't know if I can even swap the week at work but I'll try but even if I can't they aren't tagging along. I need to just not care about leaving them at home whilst I go out, it's his doing.

I got what I was expecting in response, didn't want to spend time with DSC, didn't like them, need to accept we're a family blah blah blah.

But anyway, he knows my stance now and I'm just going to carry on!

OP posts:
Mally100 · 22/07/2022 07:26

TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:20

Thanks. I've told him it's not happening. I don't know if I can even swap the week at work but I'll try but even if I can't they aren't tagging along. I need to just not care about leaving them at home whilst I go out, it's his doing.

I got what I was expecting in response, didn't want to spend time with DSC, didn't like them, need to accept we're a family blah blah blah.

But anyway, he knows my stance now and I'm just going to carry on!

Well done op! If you don't stand up for yourself and dc now, then this will always be dumped on you. He can entertain and plan stuff for his dc as he has taken leave already, problem sorted. Enjoy the precious time with your DC and you are absolutely entitled to want this with them.

Sleepyquest · 22/07/2022 07:34

Could you plan a couple of evening activities as the 'whole family unit'? That way you get the time with your DC that you wanted and then it looks like you're putting the effort in for everyone to do stuff together too?

5128gap · 22/07/2022 07:35

I see your point, but unfortunately when you choose a man with a pre existing family, there are going to be compromises. One of which is the understanding that your partner is likely to want to spend time with all his DC as one family, which to him (and them) they are.
I think your strongest point here is the difficulty in finding activities suitable for all DC given the age variations, and I'd use this, rather than wanting time with YOUR children as my key argument. I'd suggest some days where you take the young ones and he the older ones, and some all together days.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/07/2022 07:49

I think YABU. I’d understand if we were talking about toddlers and teens but you say your kids are young primary (so 5/6ish?) and the SDC are going into Y7&8, so 11 and 12. That’s not a massive age gap, they should be able to enjoy lots of things together and they are your DC’s siblings. They are part of the family. I think on days you’ve planned something that is very much geared at younger ones (Eg: kids farm, softplay) suggest you go out with your DC and he takes her older ones somewhere the younger ones wouldn’t enjoy so you can have a break but surely doing things as a family for some of the days together is a nice thing for the kids?

thefamilyupstairs · 22/07/2022 07:49

I can see both of your points. Unfortunately though if your dsc are there and you go out it sends a clear message to them that they aren't wanted along. It's a hard one really, they haven't asked to be in a blended family and as a step child myself it's a horrible feeling when you know your step parent is really only playing at happy families, but doesn't really mean it. Even though you have two parents that love you (which is what is always trotted out here) when you are inthe household with the step parent, you know deep down that you don't really belong.

Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 07:49

It's not just because they are DSC and its important that you and he realise that.

It is perfectly normal to want to spend time quality time with children. It is normal to enjoy time just you and the children, having DH there changes the vibe. It is also completely normal to spend different times with your children even if they are all your biological children.

I have six, sometimes we went as a family, sometimes it was just me and one or two.

Remember they get to go to the beach and the aquarium with their mum, don't cancel these plans and punish your kids because their dad wants effort free family time. (Plus he should want to spend some time alone with his children)

Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 07:52

Sleepyquest · 22/07/2022 07:34

Could you plan a couple of evening activities as the 'whole family unit'? That way you get the time with your DC that you wanted and then it looks like you're putting the effort in for everyone to do stuff together too?

Why should she be the one planning? Because she has a vagina?

@thefamilyupstairs the step dc were not meant to be there so they would never have known (is your name from the novel)

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:55

thefamilyupstairs · 22/07/2022 07:49

I can see both of your points. Unfortunately though if your dsc are there and you go out it sends a clear message to them that they aren't wanted along. It's a hard one really, they haven't asked to be in a blended family and as a step child myself it's a horrible feeling when you know your step parent is really only playing at happy families, but doesn't really mean it. Even though you have two parents that love you (which is what is always trotted out here) when you are inthe household with the step parent, you know deep down that you don't really belong.

I get this and it's exactly why I made sure to arrange this stuff when they weren't here. If this happens now it's his own doing. I'm so mad he's put me in this position.

OP posts:
TheScenicWay · 22/07/2022 07:56

If you can't swap your whole week off, maybe swap 3 days so you do a couple of days with dsc then have a long weekend with your dc.

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:57

if I agree to do anything all together in the evenings or for a couple of the days say, I'm certainly not going out of my way to plan it all either. He wants it he can do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:58

TheScenicWay · 22/07/2022 07:56

If you can't swap your whole week off, maybe swap 3 days so you do a couple of days with dsc then have a long weekend with your dc.

Yes I'm still going to try and swap it I think. Hopefully work will let me. And if they do I'm not telling him I have so he can't pull it again.

OP posts:
Threetulips · 22/07/2022 07:58

I do wonder about those saying OP should organise X Y Z to placate DH and DSS which is extra work, how would you feel if DH decided ‘family time with his kids’ should be via his EW? And h just tagged along in her plans? I mean that would be viewed and cFery- and who does that? But as a stepmom you should just accept it!!

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 07:58

He'll be furious I'm sure that I'm going this far to "avoid spending time together" in his mind but I'm past caring now.

OP posts: