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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some down time with my DC?

77 replies

TimeAway · 21/07/2022 17:11

Booked some time off over the upcoming holidays and was planning to do some stuff with DC (shared with DH) who are young primary. I've really been looking forward to it, DH was due to be working and I couldn't wait to just get some time with our children by ourselves and take them to a few places, have some fun, chat, spoil them a bit and just spend some well needed down time together.

DH has just now informed me he's going to take the same time off so we can all do things together as a family (we being me, him and DSC). DSC are lovely but they are much older (secondary age) and going out together is just not the same, the vibe is completely different it becomes all about them, their petty arguments with each other, what they want to do, them getting bored etc..

I just want to spend some time with my children and I don't want them all to tag along. DH thinks I'm totally unreasonable.

For clarity, we have a few more days here and there in the holidays we could potentially all be together but in the main I'm working and we are sorting childcare between DH (he works from home), some clubs and family and obviously DSCs mum is covering half of their care too.

AIBU to stick to my guns on this? We weren't even supposed to have DSC that week, I planned it then precisely because of that so I could get some time with our DC but now he's asked to swap with his ex so we can do "family stuff" and I'm just pretty mad that my time with DC is getting trampled yet again and he doesn't get my point at all.

Just not looking forward to it at all now. I feel like trying to swap the weeks with work and childcare to do it another time and not telling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:01

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/07/2022 07:49

I think YABU. I’d understand if we were talking about toddlers and teens but you say your kids are young primary (so 5/6ish?) and the SDC are going into Y7&8, so 11 and 12. That’s not a massive age gap, they should be able to enjoy lots of things together and they are your DC’s siblings. They are part of the family. I think on days you’ve planned something that is very much geared at younger ones (Eg: kids farm, softplay) suggest you go out with your DC and he takes her older ones somewhere the younger ones wouldn’t enjoy so you can have a break but surely doing things as a family for some of the days together is a nice thing for the kids?

It's not about the fact DSC would also enjoy it, I'm sure they would. That isn't the point. I want to spend the time with my children by ourselves, DSC get to do that with their own mother. And as I said, there are times in the holidays outside of this where we can do things all together. I was just really looking forward to having this time with my own children something which I don't often get to do.

OP posts:
vroom321 · 22/07/2022 08:03

So the SC are say 11 and 12? How old are yours? Can you go to the aquarium and beach together but book younger things for your kids?

Mine is 12 and she wouldn't want to come with us to most things that dd10 would like to do.

Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 08:05

@vroom321 but why can't her children have time with their mum on a week where the DSC were meant to be with their own mother.

Why can only the step children spend time alone with a mother? These are not family days out

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:06

vroom321 · 22/07/2022 08:03

So the SC are say 11 and 12? How old are yours? Can you go to the aquarium and beach together but book younger things for your kids?

Mine is 12 and she wouldn't want to come with us to most things that dd10 would like to do.

It just feels like I'm the one having to compromise and do something I don't want to do because he's railroaded plans he knew I had and was looking forward to. I won't be able to enjoy it if I agree to this knowing how the day should have been.

OP posts:
vroom321 · 22/07/2022 08:06

Goldbar · 21/07/2022 20:20

I'd be tempted to tell him great, if he's got the time off, what you actually fancy is a few child-free days away so you're going to book something just for you and he can wrangle all the kids.

Why would she do that when she wants to didn't time with her children?

Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 08:09

Does your DH ever do things alone with his children or is it you that organises everything?

theremustonlybeone · 22/07/2022 08:09

So he went off and made arrangements to take time off and also have his DC too without discussion with you? Is he a lazy parent who expects you as the female to entertain and parent his DC. Do lunches etc etc. His lame excuse of suggesting you don’t want to spend time with his DC is a shit one. He hasn’t made any plan at all until he knew you had and decided to gate crash and now your the bad one…. Don’t like the dynamic in this relationship and I am glad you have put your foot down

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:10

Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 08:09

Does your DH ever do things alone with his children or is it you that organises everything?

He does sometimes yes. He took them away for a couple of days in the last school hols too.

OP posts:
vroom321 · 22/07/2022 08:10

Spend**

WimpoleHat · 22/07/2022 08:11

It just feels like I'm the one having to compromise and do something I don't want to do because he's railroaded plans he knew I had and was looking forward to.

That's exactly what he’s done. See if you can swap your week off and leave him in charge of all four of them. He’ll get a taste of his own medicine and see that it’s not very nice when someone unilaterally changes plans in a way that completely changes the dynamic of the situation.

Lollywillowes · 22/07/2022 08:12

BoxOfCats · 21/07/2022 18:49

YANBU. Cancel your leave and he can look after all of the kids on his own if he's so keen on family time. Have your week off another time.

THIS!

vroom321 · 22/07/2022 08:14

I know you shouldn't have to but could you sell it to him that he can take his kids somewhere exciting for over 12s only.

We don't know your husband..

is he A) wanting to tag along so that all 6 of you can spend a nice time together or is he B)'thinking he will take advantage of the the days you've organised so he doesn't have to think of things to do plus you can help with the DSC?

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:23

is he A) wanting to tag along so that all 6 of you can spend a nice time together or is he B)'thinking he will take advantage of the the days you've organised so he doesn't have to think of things to do plus you can help with the DSC?

Honestly I do think it's A. But it's not the point. He just doesn't see my POV that whilst to him lovely family time is all the DC together and us, to me sometimes it just involves our DC.

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 22/07/2022 08:24

So he understands the pleasure you can have by spending time alone with the children, has he said why you can't have it?

@vroom321 but option A rides roughshod over the OPS feelings. Being a family doesn't mean that only some of the families feelings matter, they all do.

It would be different if the week had been booked on the DSC week, but it deliberately wasn't.

lunar1 · 22/07/2022 08:25

I hope you manage to cancel your leave today. He can have them all for the week.

It's not just you he's put in an awful position, it's his eldest children as well, how does he think they will feel.

I spent the yesterday with my children playing board games, I wouldn't change it for the world. They grow up so fast and time with just us is so precious.

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:29

So he understands the pleasure you can have by spending time alone with the children, has he said why you can't have it?

He doesn't see why it needs to be a whole week.

I just don't get why it mattered to him, he wasn't even supposed to be around!

OP posts:
CantaloupeMelon · 22/07/2022 08:31

Well done OP! I would be cross about this too, I'm glad you've made things clear to DH. Stand firm!

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 08:38

You don't need to find reasons to justify yourself. At the end of the day, these are not your children. They have their own mum and dad who will make memories with them. You are entirely reasonable to want these moments with your kids. Your dh doesn't want to understand that, and that's frankly his problem.

Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 08:49

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 08:38

You don't need to find reasons to justify yourself. At the end of the day, these are not your children. They have their own mum and dad who will make memories with them. You are entirely reasonable to want these moments with your kids. Your dh doesn't want to understand that, and that's frankly his problem.

Thanks this sums up how I feel!

OP posts:
Original poster
TimeAway · 22/07/2022 20:05

Work have let me swap the week! Yay.

Likely to cause an argument when he finds out I imagine but I'm not going to tell him.

OP posts:
Jovanka · 22/07/2022 20:07

Yay - good for you OP - hold firm!

lunar1 · 22/07/2022 20:11

He will have a lovely week with all his children, what's to be annoyed over!

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 22/07/2022 21:06

TimeAway · 22/07/2022 20:05

Work have let me swap the week! Yay.

Likely to cause an argument when he finds out I imagine but I'm not going to tell him.

Good, and when the inevitable argument happens make it crystal clear that this isn't about DSC, this is about the fact that he unilaterally changed your plans and gave you no choice in the matter. Drawing that boundary, that you choose how you spend your time, and with who, will serve you well going forward, it's something I wish I had done.

Your DH is going to have to come to terms with the reality of his situation at some point. DSC are not your children and he needs to accept that your relationship with them is different to his. I don't know why men (and it's been men in every instance of this I've ever seen or read about) have such difficulty recognising that being a SP is different from being a parent, of course it's bloody different!! And that's fine, it's not any kind of rejection of DSC to acknowledge it either.

Interestingly SF's seem to be allowed to be a step removed (in my experience at least) and not constantly expected to put DSC before everything, even their own DC. The difference in how SM's are treated and what's expected of them is stark and it's a mistake for us to cave in to those expectations. I wish the DF's in these scenarios could see how much damage they do by trying to force us into roles and positions we don't want to be in, everyone would be much happier if they'd just let the relationships evolve naturally.

I love my DSC and am pretty sure they love me but they don't need, and have never needed, me to be their DM, they have one of those. The only person in our family who has had any trouble with that concept is my DH, which is annoying when the rest of us don't have a problem with it. Draw your boundary and defend it OP, it's your DH's expectations that need to change here.

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 21:19

TimeAway · 22/07/2022 20:05

Work have let me swap the week! Yay.

Likely to cause an argument when he finds out I imagine but I'm not going to tell him.

That's great! He will have a week to do whatever he wants with all his kids - that's what he wanted so no complaining from him.

WimpoleHat · 22/07/2022 22:15

TimeAway · 22/07/2022 20:05

Work have let me swap the week! Yay.

Likely to cause an argument when he finds out I imagine but I'm not going to tell him.

Great news. Just look him straight in the eye and say “oh - but I thought it’d be so nice for you to have some time on your own with all your children”. Why does he get to be the only one to make all the unilateral decisions about what’s “best”?

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