Would this letter from the school get your back up?

[GoodnightJude1]

I just wanted some views on a certain part of the newsletter I received from my DC secondary school yesterday. Over the last 4 years I’ve found it to be a wonderful school so I have no other issues at all….but this just doesn’t sit right.

So as not to drip feed, I have 2 DD who have both over the years suffered with the most horrendous periods. My eldest was put on the contraceptive pill at 12 and then had the implant (no help) they’ve both had tablets prescribed to try and ease the flow…again no help. My eldest has had years of tests, and scans etc to try to help, as of yet nothing has. It would my DD2 is heading down the same path. DD2 will wake having flooded her pad, underwear, pyjamas and a good bit of the bed. She’s sometimes unable to stand and can often be sick with pain, it’s not just a few cramps, it’s really awful for her.

I feel the school have just decided that the ‘time of the month’ 🙄 isn’t a good enough reason to be off school….regardless of the pain it can cause. I’m annoyed that in this day and age it’s still seen by some people as a silly excuse to get out of things.

I think it’s just going to make parents have to lie about why their child is off school….‘she’s got period pain but I’ll have to say it’s diarrhoea or it’ll be a unauthorised absence’

Am I right to be a bit pissed off or am I overly sensitive because my DD both suffer so much?

DD gets D&V, abdomen and back pain, shooting pains down her leg, floods a night pad every 2 hours and is on GP prescribed painkillers for them.

I had someone from school come to my doorstep and tell me that I should put my then 12 year old DD on the pill of her periods are “that bad”.

I asked her if she was qualified to be giving out medical advice to parents that she’d never met before based on a three minute conversation, about a child she’d never met before, and would her boss approve of her doing so?

I also told her that it was a deeply misogynistic opinion to have, that hormonal contraception has many, many horrid side effects and perhaps she should educate herself before coming to my door to bark at me.

And that having children off school is very difficult for a working single mother, but I will never send them in when they’re on the toilet every hour, grey in the face and crying in pain.

Two years later we are still waiting on ultrasounds etc to check for endo, my 11 year old is also suffering the same way.

Don’t accept the abnormal as normal - and neither should a school.

It takes an average of [[eight years to be diagnosed with endometriosis
www.endometriosis-uk.org/endometriosis-facts-and-figures]] for most girls this will be their entire secondary school career and a diagnosis does not necessarily mean a satisfactory solution.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor - I know not everyone gets a satisfactory solution. I have a friend who found the pain from endometriosis so excruciating that they eventually let her have a hysterectomy in her 20s.

Poorly worded letter from the school. Far better to let parents know that Hey, did you know we can help with sanitary products? Rather than this woolly message with a shaming tone.

Medically ill is different than having some period pain. Your dds come into the former.

I agree about having a GP letter sent to school about the difficulties (although you may have to pay for it unless you have a consultant report).

This is actually all about OFSTEDS new criteria as attendance is their biggest hit this coming year. Have a look at the new education bill being pushed through. It removes a lot more rights from parents and schools will (and ime have in the past) decide if a child is well enough and record accordingly and can then refer for fines etc.

My ds was wanting to end his own life and was asking advice about it and so I rang him in sick, explained the situation and said I was taking him to GP that day. The school refused to authorise it because they didn't think he had any reason to be anxious (and didn't believe he had anxiety anyway - DS was already under camhs!).

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about what the policy says or even what they mark attendance as.

You have plenty of evidence should you ever need it.

"School should not be missed due to 'time of the month'" came from the same stable as "pregnancy is not an illness" - an attempt to oversimplify the issue by pretending that there is no variation in how these natural processes affect people including giving them really quite terrible symptoms. It's a definition of illness that really only works for men.

As someone that used to suffer so badly each month, I found that a Mc’D’s chocolate milkshake really helped me (that makes it sound flippant and I really don’t mean it like that). Schools are under immense pressure to improve attendance so they’re obviously picking on those that can’t do anything about it and are suffering horrendously. I do know though, that some just use it as an excuse each month to get days off. It’s unfair to put yours in that same category.
Can you get a note from the Dr’s?

I had projectile vomiting, I was actually driven home from school on more than one occasion by a teacher, this was in the days when teachers took children home in their cars.

I'd be angry about that letter. It's clear sex discrimination. If a boy vomited and fainted he would not be expected to go in to school.

If a boy woke in the night covered in his own blood he would not be expected to go in to school.

I'd certainly write in, I think a PP who said to use the medical definitions is also right.

I’d be complaining about both the message and the ‘time of the month’ shit. Utterly ridiculous.

Your daughters aren't missing school just because of normal cramps and normal periods. It's not aimed at them.

This. Ffs, no wonder there is so much embarrassment around menstruation if the people responsible for our dc’s education can’t use the correct terminology, even in a letter to parents.

Agree that it doesn’t apply to your dd’s who are not experiencing ‘normal’ symptoms, but I do think that this type of blanket policy can prevent a lot of girls from speaking up about the issue they are facing.

I would be asking the GP for a proper diagnosis of dysmenorrhea for your DD's so that you have written evidence that this is more than just period pain.

I received the same diagnosis when I was twelve as I kept going to the school nurse every month looking white as a sheet and vomiting multiple times - I couldn't even keep painkillers down at one point. It was the nurse that recommended I get help form my doctor, and at least a diagnosis which helped massively going forward.

Dysmenorrhea is so much more than "period pain" - when mine is bad I feel so nauseous I can't even brush my teeth without vomiting. I certainly couldn't have coped with school or work.

Throughout the school years I have always been very clear about what my policy is.
If my dc's are not well enough for school, in my judgement as their mother, they will not go.
Their policy doesn't trump mine.

Echoing a couple of pps in that this sounds exactly like endometriosis- I suffered like this from 14 onwards in the same way. If you can afford it, take them to a private gynae/specialist to be diagnosed, the nhs track for it is shockingly bad. If you can't afford it, become a nuisance with your GP and push push push - the way they're feeling is not right and they need to be taken seriously by medical professionals (and school!)

Honestly I’d get a note from your GP then the school can’t argue it, my daughter is very similar and having horrendous periods. She has been bleeding for 5 weeks!
The first week she needed to have several days off school and my GP has advised that when her period is at its heaviest that she should stay home until it is manageable as she just floods and clots, she’d need to change her pad every 30 minutes which isn’t easy to do in a school setting, she also becomes extremely fatigued and quite poorly so I’ll continue to take my GP’s advice and if the school ever challenged me I’d just get a DRs note.
Other countries offer their female workers leave for this sort of thing and in my opinion it most certainly falls into the sick leave category.

They literally say they have copied and pasted from the NHS guidelines, which I think is a reasonable thing for them to do. Also, most people should not need to be off school for cramps or other period related problems, so again, I think it’s a good thing for them to make that clear. For your DD, you just need to say something like ‘uncontrollable haemorrhaging and severe pain”.

Thanks everyone. I think my concern was as much for all the other girls at school that suffer with their periods, not just my own DC.
Nobody should have to feel that their illness/pain isn’t bad enough to warrant a day off school.
I would always use my own judgement, my DC both enjoy school and are happy there so I know they wouldn’t be trying to ‘pull a sicky’ so if I felt they weren’t well enough for school I would keep them home, regardless of it being unauthorised or not.
They also have a 40 minute bus journey each way which isn’t great when you’re prone to flooding!

I think I’ll contact the school and speak to someone regarding the wording of the letter and that they school use the correct terms for starters and also make it clear that there are circumstances in which missing school due to your period would be unavoidable….

Your poor daughters, how awful for them to have such dreadful periods. Shocking that the doctor can't help them out. Hope they manage to get some sort of resolution.

I agree with PPs, this isn't aimed at your DDs who have serious medical complications. It sounds like the school is trying to tackle period poverty and possibly some cultural ideas around periods.
The 'time of the month' phrase is probably the language parents are using.
It's great that the school are providing sanpro though, I have a stash at school for the girls who get caught out and they know they can come to me, as does a female colleague in the other teaching block, but it's not a school initiative and we buy it ourselves because there is no funding. I'll be going on mat leave at October halfterm and another female teacher in my block has said she will sort the girls out whilst I'm off. It's a huge problem, both for the girls who start suddenly and flood through and for the girls who can't afford sanpro.

It's good that you are willing to challenge the letter for the sake of other girls. I think a lot of anxious, rule-followers would be really worried that the school doesn't accept it as a reason to be off, and that would create a lot more anxiety. It also makes it seem more shameful, and somewhat dismissive, so I would have been much more embarrassed. If it's period povery they are worried about, then don't put 'cramps' as the heading, put 'periods'. And make the point that serious pain/flooding/vomiting are different.

It's embarrassing enough as a teenager, and being told that cramps are normal and nothing to moan about makes it hard if yours are really very different. Yes, make sure that girls know that just having a period, or having mild pain that can be dealt with by painkillers, is not a reason to be off. Make sure access to products and painkillers is available. But be clear that not everyone will be helped by that and some pain is much worse.

A lot of people seem to have faith that doctors can provide miraculous cures. They really can't. Some things can help, but it doesn't always mean you are then fine. Not all parents or doctors will put girls on the pill at that age; some girls are too embarrassed about it; some of the painkillers or medicines to reduce flow don't do that much; sometimes they help but there is still a problem. Just 'you should seek medical advice if it's that bad' is dismissive and shows a lack of understanding about how hard it can be to get any help.

I work in communications and the wording of this is appalling, 'time of the month' - why can't they use the correct terms, it's shrouded in shame STILL, in 2022. This would really get my back up, not just because of your daughters awful suffering but because some girls do need time off with 'just' cramps too. I've suffered all my life to the point where I'm having a hysterectomy soon, - and I'm sick to death of women and girls pain being minimised or dismissed. It's time society caught up ffs.

@Mamansparkles it's wonderful of you to be spending your own money to help your students- but have you heard of redboxproject.org/ ? At my school there are posters in the toilets and the girls can go to the office or their Head of Year to get free sanpro.

Aside from the fact that a school should have the balls to use the word ‘period’, it absolutely IS a reason to have time off. I have to hope my period is on a weekend because I’m bed ridden with sore legs and agonising cramps, and working is impossible, and I’m an adult!

I remember when I was that age, the school secretaries had a drawer full of hot water bottles. If you told the teacher you were in pain, you'd be sent down to the office where they'd give you a HWB and let you sit out for an hour or so. This was late 80s/early 90s and I bet this would be completely verboten these days.

Really, you'd think schools would want to work together with girls to minimise any disruption to their education rather than force them in when they're in agony and capable of learning sod all!

We still do that to get them back into lessons, rather than staying at home all day or their sneakily texting Mum to come and pick them up 'for an appointment' and thereby bypassing the qualified first aider (who has a fairly good idea whether there's a Maths test for all Year 8 classes today, who just hates PE, who is normally fine but isn't feeling at all well today, who is a fetching shade of clammy grey, will either perk up after a rest or needs to be collected and who looks like death every 4 weeks and Mum probably needs to know that this would be something the GP should take seriously).