Would this letter from the school get your back up?

[GoodnightJude1]

I just wanted some views on a certain part of the newsletter I received from my DC secondary school yesterday. Over the last 4 years I’ve found it to be a wonderful school so I have no other issues at all….but this just doesn’t sit right.

So as not to drip feed, I have 2 DD who have both over the years suffered with the most horrendous periods. My eldest was put on the contraceptive pill at 12 and then had the implant (no help) they’ve both had tablets prescribed to try and ease the flow…again no help. My eldest has had years of tests, and scans etc to try to help, as of yet nothing has. It would my DD2 is heading down the same path. DD2 will wake having flooded her pad, underwear, pyjamas and a good bit of the bed. She’s sometimes unable to stand and can often be sick with pain, it’s not just a few cramps, it’s really awful for her.

I feel the school have just decided that the ‘time of the month’ 🙄 isn’t a good enough reason to be off school….regardless of the pain it can cause. I’m annoyed that in this day and age it’s still seen by some people as a silly excuse to get out of things.

I think it’s just going to make parents have to lie about why their child is off school….‘she’s got period pain but I’ll have to say it’s diarrhoea or it’ll be a unauthorised absence’

Am I right to be a bit pissed off or am I overly sensitive because my DD both suffer so much?

I can see why this wouldn’t sit well with you - but I really don’t think this was in anyway aimed at you and your situation. The school makes no mention of cramps or pain, I think wisely they are making sure that people know that sanitary products are available in school should they be needed. Girls from low income families missing school due to not having enough sanitary products is a country wide issue.

No the letter would not hack me off. You are taking it personally because if your dd, but you mustn't. It's standard, and some children take too much time off for ..... weak reasons.

I am saddened to hear that she's been through so many tests and they still can't find anything to help her. I don't know what to suggest. but that just can't be right can it for such a thing to influence her life so badly. Later, she will have to take time off in a job when she's older and employers just won't accept that. I don't know what to suggest medically. is there anyone else that she can be referred to? anything that can be done to try and help her? Has your GP done everything they can? that's the area that I'd focus on.

I couldn't agree with this more.
I even hate when GPs do it - I had to get some help for recurrent thrush and my doctor (an adult female) asked me (an adult female) if my thrush was 'down there'. Vagina isn't a bad word, and not being able to say it just adds to stigma and worry over gynea issues.
Anyway I do digress. OP, could you possibly speak to the girls' head of pastoral care? And discuss with them the issues your DDs are having and explain how this letter and attitude isn't really appropriate and go from there?

Oh no I just re-read it and the subheading says menstrual cramps - that’s shitty then. Menstrual cramps vary massively from person to person - I don’t them that badly that doesn’t mean I don’t understand that others do - and it’s no one’s place to make judgement how much pain someone is in.

I dislike the way this is worded.

This and I would email the school to this effect

It isn't about your daughter specifically, it's a general letter to the school population, so as such, don't take it personally.

The main aim is to prevent absences due to an inability to buy period products, which can be a massive problem for schools.

Please take your daughter to a GP and see if anything can be done about her problems, they sound awful.

Gosh thank goodness you will stick up for your girls . I suffered from this problem from 12-52 ish !!! It’s horrible and so humiliating. You become so self conscious and nervous about flooding . Stand by your guns and don’t let the school bully your girls

So sorry your daughters are suffering. This letter would get my back up too. I had a lot of time off with cramps at their age. Even into my 20s I would sometimes have to take time off work.

I wonder if this policy is actually ok under the Equalities Act? I might be going a little overboard there... As others have said, it really annoys me that women's pain and health problems are belittled.

I really don’t think that’s about your daughters op as why they re going through is obvs not the norm, this is a generic communication and I’m afraid your daughters medical issues shouldn’t prevent them addressing the situation over all.

I hope they find sone relief.

There are probably 500-600 girls that the letter is aimed at, not just your two.

For girls to miss education due to a normal part of their adult life would be wrong and appalling. If schools denied lessons to girls during menstruation, we'd all be going mad, but essentially, some parents allow unnecessary absence and therefore the outcome is the same.

The school haven't said students shouldn't be off if too ill or in pain to cope, just that they shouldn't be off every month simply because they're menstruating. The references to sanitary products are clearly linked to issues of period poverty, so school is doing a good thing.

I don't think they're targetting your daughters, their point is that a period in itself is not a reason to be off. No girl should be forced to miss school because they can't afford sanitary towels or tampons, no girl should be allowed to automatically miss school because of a period. Absence should be reserved for occasions where the girl genuinely can't come in - for some this will be a regular issue, for others it might only be occasional.

Employers are offering menstrual leave because it is recognised how women can suffer. Surely this should be the same for school age girls ??

I too agree this this isn’t aimed at your daughters . As a school first aider who gets a steady stream of girls who want to go home at the first twinge I would echo what the letter says . It would be good to encourage girls to deal with what is a normal situation which they are going to have to deal with for many years. However we also have girls who keep medication at school to deal with heavier or more painful periods to help them stay in school , or will indeed send them home if necessary. In the case of your daughters simple communication with or without a doctors input would be enough to ensure they were marked absent accordingly. As with any other medical condition that we need to record .

Regret, I’ve not read the entire string but

In your shoes I’d get a GP or consultant’s letter & make an appointment with Head of Pastoral Care.

It’s true the newsletter is generic so try not to be too upset but I had to have an especially supportive chair at work & a Dr letter was very helpful.

A different chair is not quite the same as your dear girls’ situation but my daughter suffered terribly like your girls so you have my empathy. Her periods in adulthood are now “easier” but during school years it was very worrying and debilitating every month.

As a school first aider who gets a steady stream of girls who want to go home at the first twinge I would echo what the letter says

They tell you they’ve only had one twinge?

Doesn’t make much sense. They’re either lying to go home in which case they would be bright enough to say they’ve had prolonged pain or they’re actually telling the truth that the pain is bad enough for them to want to go home. It’s this dismissive shit I can’t be doing with.

YANBU. Schools need to think a good deal more carefully about menstuating girls in their care.

• All this nonsense about not being allowed to go to the toilet in lessons. Who is actually going to put their hand up and say "Sir- I need to change my sanitary towel urgently as I fear blood has leaked through onto my seat?"
• Sensitivity about PE lessons and having to change to shower in front of others when using towels
• Toilets - most school toilets are appalling these days - no mirrors so you can't have a look to see if you've leaked through. Small cubicle doors people can peek over and under. Practically in the corridor - no external door. So people can see you coming out with bloody hands.
• Free STs should be available, IMO- lots of girls are in period poverty, even more so with the cost of living crisis.
• Bullying/sexual harassment about menstruation.

Having had DDs at a single sex school and co-ed, in my view co-ed schools are very male-centric and don't think enough about issues affecting girls ONLY. If it's good for the boys, it's good for all.

I can understand they might want girls to get on with it and take painkillers for the milder sort of cramps, and for parents not to keep them off school for every little thing. But the issue is way bigger than that, and if they don't deal with these issues sensitively/effectively it was actually lead to more absence as girls will not want to go to school at all. The toilet issue/worrying about leaking at least played a part in my daughter's huge anxiety about school and poor attendance for the first two years of secondary school. Period pants have been a godsend. But they are very expensive and I imagine out of some people's price range.

Yes, for using the term 'time of the month'.

Are they scared to say periods or daughter!?

But they don’t just have ‘time of the month’ so what is in that letter doesn’t refer to them. They have a medical condition that causes extreme illness along with the time of the month. So I’d ignore that letter and when they are off, log it as a recurring medical condition flare up that is under investigation.

You need to respond, now and again at the beginning of the new school year, to remind them that both of your daughters have issues that go beyond the usual PMT and ask them what they will be doing to assist them in catching up with any schooling missed.

Don't leave it. Strike now, and then again, in orer to make them think!

It’s not aimed at your DDs, OP. It is a generic letter, albeit not particularly well worded.

In the real world, how to women with these issues cope in the work place? I am lucky enough to have suffered what I think are average periods all my life, although perimenopause is throwing me some curveballs. As a teacher, it would be helpful to know what can be done to help girls with these issues cope. What can we do to help?

See my post above @howtomoveforwards Girls at school do not have the same privacy to deal with these issues as women in the workplace.

Seems perfectly reasonable advice to me. It is not normal to need time off due to “the time of the month,” so if your period cramps are so severe that you do need time off every month, you should seek medical advice, not just stay at home for several days a month without seeking help and support. Don’t accept the abnormal as normal - and neither should a school.

Do you have evidence your DD has been singled out because of her period?
I think they need to take the default situation - most girls are still able to attend school during their period. The school has supplies for girls experiencing period poverty.

Your DD's situation falls under the Illness and your child's education guidelines which state "You or a healthcare professional should tell the school if your child has medical needs."

Since your DD can be unable to stand and is vomiting and this is due to her period I think she would be able to get a supporting letter from the GP.

That said their "time of the month" would piss me right off. Why are they using a twee euphemism in a formal letter to parents/carers?

For every young woman in your DD's position I bet there are a bunch of girls using their period as an excuse to get out of things (indeed I've seen it advised on MN).

YANBU God it's real shitty being a woman sometimes. I'd definitely bring this up with the school as well