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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to just stay in once or twice a week?

102 replies

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 09:47

In laws staying with us for two weeks (we live abroad)
Both wake up early-think 6-6.30 am, my Dd usually wakes around 8 as she goes to bed later in summer.
F.I.L wakes early and makes noise, we’re all awake early now, he wants to go out as early as possible and basically arranges things so the day suits him.
We’re a week in and feeling shattered today, I’m a Sahm currently and generally take Dd out a few times during the week and at the weekend, but we have two-three days at home-going crafts, in the garden/paddling pool, baking or just relaxing a bit more.
They’ve gone out early for each walk but have asked me to pick them up as it will be too hot later for them to walk back. I’m glad to have the morning in peace ( need fo hoover & clean etc though 😩)
Aibu to not find it weird to want to stay in a couple of days a week and wonder if they’re taking the piss a bit

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 21/07/2022 16:19

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 15:45

@fdgdfgdfgdfg So you’d seriously leave your older parents in law on a hot beach and have them walk back? How on earth can I do that?

If it is a two.minute drive, then can't they walk back?

You really need to stop running around after them and take sure they don't stay if your husband isn't there to cater to them again.

Newestname002 · 21/07/2022 16:19

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 15:45

@fdgdfgdfgdfg So you’d seriously leave your older parents in law on a hot beach and have them walk back? How on earth can I do that?

OP they are treating you like a fool, and you are letting them.

They are not so old and infirm surely - given their liking for a long morning walk plus more walking around shops - that they can't take the relatively short walk back to your home from the beach whilst you see to your child. They really aren't taking her needs, nor yours, into consideration.

Also do talk to them about the early morning noisy wakings. They may not realise how much it's affecting you and your daughter's sleep and wellbeing. If you can't do that then speak to their son, so he can do so.

Please talk to them, with your husband if necessary, so that you all enjoy having them there. Otherwise be prepared for this situation to happen repeatedly in the future. 🌹

2bazookas · 21/07/2022 16:26

Send the grandparents out with the children for a lovely day together... without you. They will all love it.

Ask the GP's to bath and put the children to bed, read story, and babysit (they'll love it) so you and DP can have an evening out. together.

2bazookas · 21/07/2022 16:28

So you’d seriously leave your older parents in law on a hot beach and have them walk back? How on earth can I do that?

I'd give them a bus timetable and the phone numbers of local taxi firms.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 21/07/2022 16:31

Notimeforaname · 21/07/2022 09:51

YANBU . Tell them no, when they ask for a lift.

Either say you have stuff to do or just tell the truth. The evening before say 'I'm going to stay home tomorrow,enjoy your walk"

Well yes you could be this rude but you also be a normal person who has guests (which i assume you agreed to?)and just suck it up for two weeks.

Unless they just turned up on your doorstep unannounced, then just let them get on with it.

Wallywobbles · 21/07/2022 16:35

I think you had a couple of similar threads last year.

Be honest. Look you are waking DD up everyday. She is exhausted. She needs to be at home every other day for the next week to recover.

So starting tomorrow I will pick you up at 12 (or whatever) from somewhere so find somewhere in the shade for a drink or whatever.

Dacquoise · 21/07/2022 17:03

WhenDovesFly · 21/07/2022 12:17

Is your DH not taking at least one of the weeks off to spend time with his parents while they visit?

You're doing all the entertaining and running around for your DHs parents. Why couldn't they come when he is around to do this? Would he do the same for your parents or is the expectation that it's female work?

Perhaps don't agree to this arrangement again or make it clear that they need to not rely on you for lifts.

Ottersmith · 21/07/2022 17:30

There's no way I would be entertaining my PIL to be honest. Your husband should have taken some days off. It's not your problem.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2022 17:51

If someone woke me up at 6am they wouldn’t survive the two weeks.

Also this.

Original poster
Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 18:00

Thanks all, I have spoken/massively hinted to mil about fil waking up early and going into the bathroom and coughing/clearing his throat 😩it’s awful and wakes me every time. She’s said she’s told him etc and said because they’re older they wake early now and have to get up early 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/07/2022 18:20

Op - this is just an awful situation! You are basically hosting and looking after your in laws while your husband vanishes to work.

I have family abroad and do holidays like this and it is not sustainable to just fit in around them doing everything they want for 2 weeks when you have a small child.

I think you have to be assertive (which is different from rude) and being assertive means that if they don't like what you say - that doesn't matter! You are being polite and making boudnaries clear.

Tell them that your daughter needs regular time at home and you also find it tiring - just be honest and say you want to be a good host and need to schedule some time at home. Make suggestions of what they could do

your husband doesn't have a single day off???

Cherrysoup · 21/07/2022 18:21

They can’t help waking up early, the older I get, the earlier I wake up. It’s uncomfortable to lie in bed for ages in silence.

I would tell your Dh you aren’t bloody entertaining them for the 2 weeks next year. You’ve made yourself their taxi service, tell them you’re taking dd somewhere, give them a key, tell them to get themselves home. They shouldn’t be dictating your schedule for 2 weeks, that’s ridiculous. Can’t they stay in an Airbnb next year? Hire a car?

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 18:23

They can do what they like and so can you. You're hosting them. It doesn't mean you have to go everywhere they go. Let them make their own plans and just join in the ones that work for you?

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 18:24

Also presumably they could call an actual taxi rather than demand you pick them up and drive them around.

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 18:26

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 18:00

Thanks all, I have spoken/massively hinted to mil about fil waking up early and going into the bathroom and coughing/clearing his throat 😩it’s awful and wakes me every time. She’s said she’s told him etc and said because they’re older they wake early now and have to get up early 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they can't be considerate guests and fit in with the routines of the house then they need to book into a hotel. Or your husband needs to invite them only when he's on annual leave and deal with them himself.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 21/07/2022 18:41

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 18:00

Thanks all, I have spoken/massively hinted to mil about fil waking up early and going into the bathroom and coughing/clearing his throat 😩it’s awful and wakes me every time. She’s said she’s told him etc and said because they’re older they wake early now and have to get up early 🤷🏻‍♀️

It is true that you tend to get up earlier the older you get, but equally, that doesn't mean they need to be noisy.

However I don't think you can tell someone they can't clear their throat or cough in the mornings! It's not like he has much control over it, as annoying as it must be.

Newestname002 · 21/07/2022 18:50

@waterrat

your husband doesn't have a single day off???

Maybe he knows what they're like and, anyway, he's not affected by their behaviour? 🌹

Brefugee · 21/07/2022 18:55

Thanks all, I have spoken/massively hinted

don't massively hint to mil about fil's behaviour. That's giving another woman the mental load. Say in clear terms to FIL that he wakes you up and he is to stop it. And if he doesn't stop it you will not be getting up at all to help them because you need to sleep.

better still: Make your DH tell him.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 21/07/2022 19:46

Thesummerof22 · 21/07/2022 18:00

Thanks all, I have spoken/massively hinted to mil about fil waking up early and going into the bathroom and coughing/clearing his throat 😩it’s awful and wakes me every time. She’s said she’s told him etc and said because they’re older they wake early now and have to get up early 🤷🏻‍♀️

Id be telling them to get some decongestant next time they take themselves for a wander to the shops. That would drive me crazy listening to that every morning.

If they don’t like the heat who’s daft idea was it to come now?

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 21/07/2022 19:48

Oh and ask them tonight what they are making for dinner tomorrow.
Heres a couple of cab numbers if you need a lift from anywhere.

LannieDuck · 21/07/2022 20:35

Don't talk to MIL about FIL's behaviour - speak to him about it!

InstaHun88 · 21/07/2022 22:56

Eugh I feel you. I live somewhere very touristy and hot and have various visits throughout the year. The worst was SIL. She claimed she couldn't drive so we were her chauffeurs for 3 weeks (it's an island with no public transport, no pavements to walk, car is the only way). At the end of the trip we find out she's been driving in the UK for 2 years to commute. But apparently a small island with a max speed limit of 40mph made her too nervous as she was "new" to driving. I only had my license for 6 months!! DP mentioned she's planning to come again in January and I have the rage already.

Some people are so lovely. And some are utter shit bag guests.

Newestname002 · 21/07/2022 23:13

@InstaHun88

DP mentioned she's planning to come again in January and I have the rage already.

You've been given a fait accompli? There's no discussion with you to agree or not? Are you supposed to be her driver/skivvy again? Perhaps you could speak up and put your points across - reset expectations (his as well as hers) and lessen your rage. 🌹

sunnyside238 · 21/07/2022 23:28

All you can do is speak up OP or it will go on forever

Having DC is the perfect excuse too, "I can't pick you up at that time as DC really needs their nap today as they have been up early everyday as you insist on waking them up" would be a good start

InstaHun88 · 21/07/2022 23:46

@Newestname002 Oh I have definitely been discussing this with DP.. The even more infuriating thing is she was the kind of guest to do "whatever" and hang around the house if she couldn't go out etc. So I started driving her and picking her up to get her out of the house as I otherwise had no second to myself ever. We're trying to figure out what to do but there won't be a repeat of her last visit.