Does it sound like my DS has ASD?

[Yellowfloral]

He was a really early with his speech, his speech and vocabulary is really advanced now (at 4) for his age.

His current obsession is with numbers, he’s very competent with numbers, adding and subtracting. He spends a lot of time counting. He wants to count everything.

He doesn’t appear to have problems socially as far as I’m aware, he’s always had plenty of friends and likes to play with other children. Even children he doesn’t know at the park for example. He’s certainly not what I would call shy.

His pre-school teacher has flagged up that he struggles to make eye contact with the adults. But I’ve never noticed that, unless he’s different in the classroom than at home/in other social situations.
They’ve also said he needs support in simple tasks in the classroom (tidying up etc)

Anyway, I don’t know what to think.
His academic ability is advanced for his age, there’s no particular issue socially or with his speech (in fact he doesn’t stop talking)

But the pre school seem to think there’s something going on.

He is quite sensory seeking, he likes to put things into his mouth and rub things on his face. He’s not keen on hand driers but he’s getting more accepting of them now.

He’s beginning to be less fussy with food and trying more things.

He’s not keen on riding his bike or scooter but he loves running, walking, climbing and soft play.

@Feefio Yes, I absolutely agree… I think my DS would’ve definitely be labelled weird and naughty in the past. I still worry about him getting those labels to be honest… but am, like you, very open to home ed should the need arise.

I agree - no particular concerns were raised about my DD either but when you look through her assessment paperwork age 7, all the issues were there in school, but muted, because she masks and wants to please the teacher. It has been helpful over the years to compare her to friends' DCs and her own friends and peers. That's what I meant by a sample size of one. Of course my DD is typical to me!

The most obvious sign to me was the 'shaken Coke bottle' thing when she exploded out of school at the end of the day. That and the obvious gap between her intelligence and what she could do academically.

I guess I feel like I’m being personally attacked…like it’s an attack on my parenting or on myself or my family. I am in defensive mode and feel angry about it for some reason.

Honestly, I felt exactly the same when it was first mentioned. I assumed ASD was only like my older brother who has the classic type and felt that there was no way that my child could have that.

I think it's normal to feel like that. I did. I found the books '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child' and 'The Explosive Child' helpful, because both authors show empathy with parents, which can be in short supply in the UK culture (they are US books). Getting our daughter assessed was a real breakthrough for DH and me. We realised we were averagely competent parents dealing with a really difficult parenting situation, not crap ones.

I am on several forums for SEN parents and a lot of them are single parents because the other parent (nearly always the dad) buggered off when DC got hard to deal with.

These things are hard.

Oh, and I've had from my mum 'I don't like labelling children' and my DSis 'oh she is fine with me'...yes DSis. Because she masks really well.

I am extremely appreciative of DD's school who have always believed and supported us.

Some Autistic children can present as very social but as they get older their social skills lack the finesse to maintain friendships. However, from what you have described (being but obsessive and a bit sensory) sounds pretty typical for children of that age.

You’ve just described my eldest. His speech was fantastic as a toddler and even now as a 7yo the way he words things sometimes still amazes me. He’s just had his end of year report and he’s meeting his targets in several subjects and exceeding in 7 including English and Maths (bar his actual handwriting, which bless his heart isn’t great). He’s being referred by school for an ADHD assessment though as despite his academic ability, he has other struggles. I never really considered autism tbh. If pre-school are bringing it up now I’d be talking to them about next steps, if there is something there early diagnosis and intervention usually makes for better outcomes long term.

Your ds sounds very similar to mine at that age. Ed psych involved early in Primary, and tbh I treated him in many ways as if he had asd - clear routines, ‘now’ and ‘next’ timetables, detailed preparation for changes, coaching for social situations, management of the expectations of others etc. He was anxious - culminating in a period of selective mutism.

Now a young adult, he remains somewhat unconventional and unbothered by what other people think, with a small range of deep interests (a specific genre of music, which he studies; politics; sport) but ultimately NT.

I think this is quite a normal response. But if anything it’s the opposite to an attack on your parenting. The preschool isn’t saying ‘your son needs support because you haven’t parented him well’, they’re saying ‘your son needs support and we feel it might be because his brain works fundamentally differently to a lot of other kids, and it’s worth investigating if this is so because he might struggle in future and this will help you, and him, and his future school navigate those struggles’.

In our case, it was because our child desperately didn’t want to give up on school. He had a very close knit little group of neurodivergent friends, was academically engaged, and felt that he would be even more isolated and would feel robbed if we took him out. It would have been a lot easier for us as parents to home educate, tbh, I’m a qualified teacher and would happily have devoted the time. We had a lot of very frank conversations with him, and decided to allow him the agency he was asking for - and we spent a lot of time holding the school to account for safeguarding failures and pushing for better. It was exhausting. We did withdraw him from PE after the school’s response to bullying in the changing rooms was totally inadequate.

I know you said you weren’t trying to be rude, but it’s difficult not to take your comment as an accusation - it’s upset me. It wasn’t the easy option for me.