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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling Inheritance

71 replies

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:33

One of my GP’s recently passed away. My P whose parent is was has been sorting out the inheritance - I have received around 10K worth.

P asked what I would spend it on - just a general conversation I thought - however they then started saying how they would hold onto it and if I send them the invoice then they will pay it off for me. I didn’t want to spend all my money on this though, and wanted to keep some back for savings and bits and pieces.

I feel really awkward having a conversation about money, especially after a bereavement. There was no official will - these were only the verbal wishes of GP because I am the only grandchild, so I feel like I don’t have much of a leg to stand on?

How should I handle this? Does P have a say on how it is spent? They said they don’t want me to waste it - which I wouldn’t anyway - but I’m a 32 year old woman so surely even if I did, it’s nobody else’s business anyway?!

OP posts:

Howlongwillthistake · 20/07/2022 21:37

I think there's a bit missing from your post ..invoice?

Acheyknees · 20/07/2022 21:37

If you're buying something, won't you need to pay for it there and then. Who issues an invoice?
I'd just say you've changed your mind and want to buy premium bonds.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/07/2022 21:38

If there is no official will then all the money is your parents and they can do whatever they want with it. Can you just spend more on one thing and redirect other money into savings? Frustrating but I think you have to think of it as their money which they are giving to you.

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:38

Sorry! I wanted some building work done in the house, and then to buy some other small bits and just have the money in the bank in general. However P is trying to control the inheritance by keeping it and just paying for what I need if I provide receipts/invoices etc

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:39

My GP was not physically or mentally able to do an official will in the end however made it very clear to both of us together that the money was to be split between P and I equally

OP posts:

Bellyups · 20/07/2022 21:40

It does sound controlling to me actually.
I would say you want to invest/buy premium bonds or something.
Are they usually controlling?

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:41

It's a gift from your parent out of their inheritance - they want to buy you something rather than just give you money. It probably feels more 'gift' like.

If you are confident they don't feel that way, and see it as your actual inheritance (which was not written into the will so must be coming from your parent's share) then be upfront and explain you'd like to invest some etc

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:42

A similar thing happened when they had control of someone else’s will in the family. They wanted a donation to a charity and it never got done and then the money got spent elsewhere… I also strongly suspect that P had been spending GP’s money whilst alive under their nose and probably doesn’t have that much left…

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:44

Is it really split equally (obviously theoretically as the reality is that it isn't yours)?
So you get the same as your parent?
Are they happy about that? I wouldn't be.

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:45

Yes it’s meant to be equal. But P had large sums of money from GP before they got ill, so they’ve probably had 10-15k extra over a period of time

OP posts:

Riverlee · 20/07/2022 21:50

If there is no official will, there the legal inheritance takes place. Your grandparent’s children (ie your parents) inherit everything, regardless of what your gp intended.

dies without a will - gov site
Citizens advice bureau site

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:50

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:42

I am surprised the charity didn't find out via probate. They scan wills for mention of charitable donations and are very fierce about getting the money. Rightly so.

Honestly? I don't agree morally with a 50:50 split that disadvantages the child (your parent) and it seems it was never formalised anyway, so I would just be grateful you are getting anything.

JamMakingWannaBe · 20/07/2022 21:52

You haven't received an inheritance as your grandparent did not write a Will.
Any money you receive is a gift from your parent.

(Spend £8k on your home improvements but give your Mum a "copy" of the invoice which shows the work cost £10k.)

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:58

It’s not about an official will - my P is very aware of GP’s wishes whether they agree with it or not. But they generally have a controlling nature and this is just another one of those times.

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/07/2022 22:03

But without an official will the money belongs to them, so I would grit your teeth and try to make sure they are paying directly rather than saying they will pay you back.

Or don't accept the money and don't play their game.

GinIronic · 20/07/2022 22:06

No will - not an inheritance. Don’t take any money from them - they will use it to control you.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2022 22:10

I would say that you want to put it into premium bonds and save it for a rainy day. Once you have it, spend it on what you want. It's completely out of order what your parent's doing.

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 22:15

I think the worse thing is and the actual reason behind it is all the money has been spent funding P’s debt and lifestyle and they haven’t actually got my share left… so trying to buy time… when GP got ill they had a substantial amount of savings, P took over POA and started being able to buy expensive things, go on expensive holidays. GP in comparison has spent hardly any money at all and yet savings pretty much got hit with a tonne of bricks with no explanation as to where it’s gone…

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 22:15

I suspect the money has gone I meant to word it as

OP posts:

853ax · 20/07/2022 22:16

Send them your bank details say please transfer money in, I can budget or cost the work I need done once I know how much I have available this inheritance and my own savings.
Not a good idea to spend on works if you do not have money at your disposal

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 22:16

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:58

It’s not about an official will - my P is very aware of GP’s wishes whether they agree with it or not. But they generally have a controlling nature and this is just another one of those times.

It is about the official will.
Officially you get nothing.
Your grandparent had your entire lifetime to write a different will but chose not to.

So this is actually about a parent offering to buy their child something worth up to £10k from an inheritance they have received and the child saying they just want the cash.

It's not controlling to prefer to buy a gift rather than give cash for something.

justasmalltownmum · 20/07/2022 22:17

Just say what you said here and tell them to transfer it.

11Hawkins · 20/07/2022 22:19

Just call their bluff, ask them to transfer it to you.

Sometimes you just need to be blunt.

Sloebluewalls · 20/07/2022 22:21

Just.give them your bank details and ask them to transfer the cash. State that you’re going to coordinate savings, spends and you’re fine, you don’t need someone to coordinate you, although it’s kind of them to offer

alphons · 20/07/2022 22:26

Tell them you’re going to buy stocks. Or an ISA or something. Then do whatever you want with that one it’s in your name

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