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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling Inheritance

71 replies

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 21:33

One of my GP’s recently passed away. My P whose parent is was has been sorting out the inheritance - I have received around 10K worth.

P asked what I would spend it on - just a general conversation I thought - however they then started saying how they would hold onto it and if I send them the invoice then they will pay it off for me. I didn’t want to spend all my money on this though, and wanted to keep some back for savings and bits and pieces.

I feel really awkward having a conversation about money, especially after a bereavement. There was no official will - these were only the verbal wishes of GP because I am the only grandchild, so I feel like I don’t have much of a leg to stand on?

How should I handle this? Does P have a say on how it is spent? They said they don’t want me to waste it - which I wouldn’t anyway - but I’m a 32 year old woman so surely even if I did, it’s nobody else’s business anyway?!

OP posts:

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 20/07/2022 22:26

This is a difficult one, morally your P should split this money as your GP wished but without a will legally you have no rights. Can you be sure that the money will be handed over once the building work has been done? I might get a quote from the builder which you could show them and say the money has to be paid in advance. You could possibly also get a quote for some additional work to get the total up to £10k but not have the second lot of work done and keep that amount as savings.

WillMcAvoy · 20/07/2022 22:27

NameChange5643 · 20/07/2022 22:15

I think the worse thing is and the actual reason behind it is all the money has been spent funding P’s debt and lifestyle and they haven’t actually got my share left… so trying to buy time… when GP got ill they had a substantial amount of savings, P took over POA and started being able to buy expensive things, go on expensive holidays. GP in comparison has spent hardly any money at all and yet savings pretty much got hit with a tonne of bricks with no explanation as to where it’s gone…

But there's no will and you havne't inherited anything so none of that is really any of your business. Your parent doesnt have to give you a penny

Zeus44 · 20/07/2022 22:32

You’re not entitled to anything. Remember that. Whatever you get is a bonus, don’t count on it till it’s in your hand.

abdidab · 20/07/2022 22:32

Ask them to transfer your share. If they say no, legally if there is no will, it is your parent's money and there is nothing you can do.

CredibilityProblem · 20/07/2022 22:33

Morally your parent sounds like a piece of work.

I suspect that you're right and most of the money has been spent - but if it would make a real difference to you then I'd play along and try to find a way to get the money to pay for something that you will find useful and your parent will find acceptable. But don't pay upfront for anything just in case.

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 22:36

It is really unethical to stand by and not report someone for abusing Power of Attorney but then complain because they have spent your share of it as well.

5foot5 · 20/07/2022 22:37

Can you afford to just regard this money as gone? Sounds like you might have to anyway.

Perhaps just leave it and if your parents do mention it again respond with something like "Oh I assumed you had already spent all of Gran's money! If there is anything left of the money she wanted me to have then can you transfer it to my bank please. No I won't waste it as I am 32 not 16.You don't want to do that? Oh never mind, you better have it you obviously need it more than me. "

Winter2020 · 20/07/2022 22:38

I would not get building work done when you are not certain you can pay for it. That is very unfair on the trades people.

Tell your parent that you can't instruct work without the money as if anything were to happen to them e.g. they became ill then you would not be able to pay for it. In this climate an unpaid 10k job could be the end of someone's business.

WeAreTheHeroes · 20/07/2022 22:43

Don't buy or pay for anything you can't fund yourself without this "inheritance". I would call your mother's bluff and if she really has fleeced her own parent in this awful way, I'd look into how you go about reporting the theft/financial abuse. I know family relationships can be complex, but bloody hell.

AnneElliott · 20/07/2022 22:52

I'd just create the invoice myself on my laptop. They're not hard to do. If that's what your parent wants to see then I'd show them what they want.

Especially since you think they've spent it already, you probably want to be quick off the mark.

I can see my parents being like this - they're very controlling with money. Which is why I haven't taken anything at all from them since the day I left home. It always comes with strings.

Tiani4 · 21/07/2022 07:33

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 22:36

It is really unethical to stand by and not report someone for abusing Power of Attorney but then complain because they have spent your share of it as well.

I second this point

You suspected at the time that your parent was abusing POA - Spending DGPs money on themselves for holidays etc. without DGPs knowledge nor consent, which was a criminal offence and had you reported it , the office of public guardian would have investigated jointly with police.
Certainly your parent would be removed from POA and your parent stopped from ever being a POA to someone else.

As it is - once GDP died, the situation is that they had spent their own money early as DGP wasn't short of money for care home (in which case the thefts would have been discovered) and died without a will. It went to them under intestate rules.

What your DGP allegedly wished but didn't make a will for, becomes at the inheritors discretion. If I were you I'd be suggesting that all your relatives make wills and insisting in being the PoA myself to ensure my DP didn't financially abuse or steal money off of anyone else in the family.

LDN1 · 21/07/2022 07:42

Legal is one thing... but your GP had wishes which are not being fulfilled by your parent.

So, morally at least, your parent is wrong.

I would hunker down and state that 'no, I'd like the money please so that I can budget for the work myself. I won't be booking any work unless I have the money to pay for it. Just as GP wished, it's best I have my share... here are my bank details.'

Hidingawaytoday · 21/07/2022 07:43

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:44

Is it really split equally (obviously theoretically as the reality is that it isn't yours)?
So you get the same as your parent?
Are they happy about that? I wouldn't be.

You wouldn't be happy with your kids receiving the same inheritance from your parents as you? How odd that you'd begrudge your children that. One of my grandparents is leaving all her inheritance to her grandchildren, another splitting it equally between each of her children and grandchildren. Everyone is perfectly happy with that.

Soontobe60 · 21/07/2022 07:47

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 22:36

It is really unethical to stand by and not report someone for abusing Power of Attorney but then complain because they have spent your share of it as well.

There’s nothing to indicate they’ve abused the POA. No one knows if the GF actually gave them money voluntarily.

RockinHorseShit · 21/07/2022 07:54

I think you need to accept that you don't have a legal inheritance & you do have a controlling DP. Chances are that you'll get very little of what you think yiu will. Do yourself a favour & accept that as it is.

I had exactly this scenario, with a bigger inheritance. Cousins got brand new cars & house deposits. I got an ugly dark green washing machine that I didn't want as DM decided "to treat me" & chose too.

Mentally cut your losses, as you're on a hiding to nowhere

PlntLady · 21/07/2022 08:02

Do you have a mortgage? Can you say you have decided to pay the money off that? You can always remortgage and release the money down the line.

Rinatinabina · 21/07/2022 08:03

Your parent sounds awful tbh but if you weren’t mentioned in the will I would let this go. It’s not yours and you parent is under no legal obligation to give you the money and I absolutely would not trust them to actually pay any invoices. You can try saying you want to put 10k in premium bonds but I’m guessing the money won’t be forthcoming. Reality is your DGP could have any point put you in the will and didn’t. Sorry that sounds harsh but you will just get angry and frustrated.

TooHotToTangoToo · 21/07/2022 08:04

Even if it's your gp wishes, if they haven't made a will, legally it's your P money now. If they choose to gift you £10000 then that's up to them. But of course, as we all know on mn, any monetary gift from P can come with conditions attached

RockandRollsuicide · 21/07/2022 08:06

Rocking!!

An ugly green washing machine "chosen", for you?

People are mad.

It's their only bit of power and control.

Op as pp said just mentally assume it's gone. anything you get is a bonus.

Sad and frustrating but the gp must have had an inkling that your parents were like this and should have made a will!!

There is nothing legally to hold anyone to account only morally.

ittakes2 · 21/07/2022 08:06

If it was not in the will than it’s not your inheritance - it sounds like it’s your parent inheritance and they have decided to gift you £10k.
I am guessing they decided to do this on your basis they want to help you in some way hence paying off a bill.
its a different scenario if you were mentioned in the will but you were not

No2incoming · 21/07/2022 08:10

Whatever the outcome it sounds like you need to cut P out of your life they sound toxic.

Cognacsoft · 21/07/2022 08:13

My dsis sold her flat and decided to give her dc a sum each.
She told me that she was going to stipulate how dn spent her share.
I told her that a gift is exactly that and she should mind her own business how her dd spent the money.
Fortunately she took my advice.
Parents who control their adult dc like this can’t have much confidence in how they raised the dc if they won’t trust them to live independently.

In your pp’s case op they are financially abusive if they spent your gp’s money.
I would have reported them whilst your gp was alive.

devonianBiatch · 21/07/2022 08:26

In your shoes i would get a few quotes from builders , then create a fake quote for the building work and tell your parents that the builder requires 50% up front. Get a very cheap disposable phone and get a friend to record an answer phone message saying "hi, Joe Bloggs builders here, sorry wet can't take your call, we will get back to you as soon as we can".

If they realise that is a dodgy builder then fair enough. But if you are resigned to getting nothing, then even getting 5k a cash or getting your actual building done would be a bonus

ArcticSkewer · 21/07/2022 08:54

Soontobe60 · 21/07/2022 07:47

There’s nothing to indicate they’ve abused the POA. No one knows if the GF actually gave them money voluntarily.

Show quote history

Op clearly thinks that is the case. I agree with you, but here we have someone who has suspected financial abuse of an elderly person and separately the stealing of a charitable request, and done nothing.
But is now unhappy their parent won't give them £10k of the money (which is not legally theirs) because they've already stolen it. On the grounds that 'morally' it should be theirs

ArcticSkewer · 21/07/2022 08:57

Hidingawaytoday · 21/07/2022 07:43

Show quote history

It's not odd at all. It's a perfectly normal and commonplace occurrence for parents to leave their estate to their children. Often there is a small bequest to grandchildren.

Very rarely is the estate split 50:50 between grandchildren and children, usually for tax efficient purposes and with the agreement of the adult child whose money is going to the grandchildren.

As in this example, the money has been left to the adult children not the grandchildren.

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