AIBU to think DS will be damaged by never meeting his dad?

[TrainGke]

He’s a few weeks old and ex has zero interest. He’s not responded to the photo, nothing. He has no other kids, no marriage etc so it is literally that he can’t be bothered. I’m worried about the damage to DS, especially as I can’t face finding another relationship any time soon!! So there won’t be another man.

You're not being unreasonable to worry about things like this but you can't control what your ex does or doesn't do so just focus on what you can do. Your DS is only a baby, right now all he needs is you and you're more than enough. I'm sure he will be curious about his dad in a few years when he understands but he won't necessarily be damaged by not knowing him either

People say kids aren’t bothered by it but my experience is they are, my daughter is 5 and has no father he has never been interested in her he’s seen her about 3 times, last time when she was 3 she constantly asks me why she doesn’t have a dad and longs for a relationship with him and it’s just something I can’t help her with (also staying single so no step dad etc) it’s definitely having a negative affect on her and she even started refusing to go to school recently, I made my own thread which you might want to have a read of www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4587152-if-you-had-an-absent-father-growing-up some say it hasn’t bothered them lots say it does so it’s not necessarily true that kid an wont be bothered

I am your child in this scenario, when my mum was pregnant she was made to choose between him or me, and she chose me.

I never met my dad, don't know anything about him. Apparently he even used to drive my school bus and he knew who I was, yet it was never said to me that the driver was my dad.

But my mum raised me as good as she could, I know it couldnt have been easy for her.

I'm 45 now, and have no desire to know anything about him, I know he died a fair few years ago and I felt nothing at all when I found out.

I have no doubts that you will love and raise your child to the best of your ability, and that is all a child wants, to be loved and supported. Just let them know that if they have any questions you will answer them honestly.

My son is 31 and due to get married soon, I had a conversation with him last week as to if he would wish for me to locate his father to meet him and for his father to see him get married, I got a flat NO,My son thought I was bonkers to be fair and he said no mum I have never met him,never wanted to and you are all I need. We had an indepth conversation about how he felt growing up with just me and he reckons as I do we both did just fine together, I am so proud of that kid of mine! Growing up without a dad made no differnce to him he says and i genuinely think he means it. It was always just me and him as me and his dad split up before he was born quite amicably as it goes but things have turned out just fine for us OP,Don;t meet trouble half way I am sure you are everything to your little one and all your little one needs,

I was just like your son it hasn’t affected me in the slightest. I really didn’t care and still don’t!!! You can’t miss what you never had

Um, no. If he is that disengaged, contact will probably not be a positive experience for your child.

My ex is not an involved parent. Lived with us for the first 11yrs of Eldest's life & was abusive to her & youngest - both his, not that should make any difference.

Eldest has many MH issues, almost all stem from his/family's treatment of her. She's best off without any of them but Court agreed he can have contact.

They won't miss him at all. Why would they? You don't miss the uber driver you spent 15 minutes in the car on the way to the shops. Children's memories aren't that great at that age.

It's the adults that put the ideas into their heads. If children hear a parent crying over them or discussing them on the phone with someone else, the child might notice. Or some dolt adult saying oh you poor dear without a father.

He might be. He might not be. There’s absolutely no way of telling.

What is absolutely guaranteed, however, is that forcing a relationship with a parent who doesn’t give a shit is going to cause a child far more emotional harm than never meeting that parent.

My father walked out when I was 18 months old so don’t remember him from then

Met him once when I was 12.

Have suffered no ill effects. Have no desire to ever meet him. Don’t feel like anything has been missing from my life.

Absolutely disagree with this everything about this post..

Understand your worry but he will be fine. I was!

I met my dad as a teen and have no interest in him at all. He's just a random man who didn't step up. Not worth my time. I don't feel like I missed out.

To be fair though, what can anyone actually do about the situation? If dad doesn't want to be involved, you can't force it. The only thing you can do is reassure your child that they are loved by the family they have.

I think that's what hurts kids the in then out of there lives. They then think where he is. They say that's more damaging then them not being there at all as its a head fuck for the child.

We can't know. All you can do is give him the best childhood and guidance you can. Everyone handles things differently and at a few weeks old there's no way of knowing who he'll become. You're doing amazingly.

But the op is asking whether it will affect a child, I think it’s dismissive to say it won’t my own daughter is very much affected by it and I see it with my own eyes.

Judging by this thread that seems to be true the ones who aren’t bothered are the ones who never had any contact at all but like I said in my other post I think it’s dismissive to say a child won’t be bothered no one has a way of knowing and kids do see other children with dads and that’s when they start wondering where theirs is whether they’ve been involved or not.

As long as if you do meet someone else, maybe marry them, that at an appropriate time you are able to tell your DD the truth, reasonable to me.

Also I should add my daughter wasn’t at all bothered by her father Not being around and never mentioned him at all until they did Father’s Day at school this year (thanks school 🙄) then it all came crashing down and she’s completely obsessed about him now, so no one knows that will happen, then I was told I was wrong for not speaking with her about him now on this thread someone has said you shouldn’t speak to the child about them so you can’t win really.

I didn’t have a Dad (well I did, but absent) and it didn’t & hasn’t had any negative impact on me at all!

my NDN didn’t grow up with/has never met his Dad & he’s the most lovely & happy person!

Some kids have mum & dad, some just mum, some just dad…others have mum & dad but have to witness major volatility etc.

THE most important thing is that your DS has a stable & loving home! Many, many children don’t!

He'd be more damaged by having an unstable and uncaring father in his life. Congratultions on your baby x

A feckless, disinterested cunt will bring nothing at all to your baby’s life. He’s better off without him.

It's better to not know their dad than to be constantly let down by someone going in & out of their lives.

tbf she asked will it damage her son not if it will affect him. It's obviously going to have some sort of affect but to say that it will definitely damage him? well you or I or anyone else has no way of knowing that, not every child feels the same about this stuff

All a fatherless child needs is some regular secure role models of adult male (and adult female ) and worthy interaction with them. People who demonstrate secure attachment relations.

It could be your brother, friend, cousin. Mine was an uncle ( not a blood relative , he was the husband of my mother's sister).