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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this just me or is this out of order?

94 replies

cakeheelslipstick · 19/07/2022 22:22

For my fiancé's birthday present I bought a photo studio experience so he could have professionally taken photos of him and his 3 sons. On the day we were going back to the studio to choose the photos his ex wife asked one of their sons to take photos of the pictures on his phone for her to keep. This has upset me because the photos were my present to my fiancé. Fair enough if she wants some professional photos of her sons but I'd rather she had asked for details of the studio so she could purchase the photos from them. I've spoken to my fiance about this and he thinks his ex wife has done nothing wrong and I'm the one in the wrong for having an issue with it. Am I missing something here?

OP posts:
StartingToUnderstandGru · 20/07/2022 08:47

So I think this is the situation...

Your DPs son's took pictures of the photos you'd already bought from the studio rather than sneakily taking them of photos you hadn't purchased? If they were sneakily taking pictures of photos you don't own that's unreasonable.

It reads to me like the issue is that you don't want their mum to have the benefit of something you've paid for, is that right?

Imo YABU with that. I wouldn't be paying extra so she could have official copies personally but sending a picture of the photos? I don't really see the issue. Is no one ever allowed to see them unless they pay? I really don't think this is the hill to die on. I'm sure there is probably a back story here but this one does make you look petty I'm afraid.

I don't really agree with the PP who says she facilitated your gift by letting you use her children. They are the DPs son's too not just hers. But if my child had a professional photo shoot at my exes, I'd obviously be interested in having a look at them and I've no doubt he'd share a couple of screenshots with me. Do you have DC OP? Can you honestly not say you'd be the same?

PurpleWisteria · 20/07/2022 08:48

The copyright remains with the photographer. She has a massive cheek. Is she always this rude?

Echobelly · 20/07/2022 08:49

I don't see any issue with this, it's still your present to him, and of course the boys' mum will want to see the photos. I agree it would be considerate to let her have proper digital copies of them.

Discovereads · 20/07/2022 08:52

There’s nothing wrong with her getting copies of the photos as they are her DSs.
But I agree with you OP that it’s petty theft from the studio to ask a child to snap photos of photos with his phone. She should have paid the studio for digital copies. It’s not like they ask an arm and a leg and it’s wrong to expect to get someone’s work for nothing.

pimlicoanna · 20/07/2022 08:55

I think if this was someone you liked you wouldn't have an issue with it

daisypond · 20/07/2022 08:58

She is well out of order. It’s immoral. The studio will have plenty to say about it and wouldn’t possibly allow it. She can buy her own photos from the studio if you would be OK with that.

honeylulu · 20/07/2022 09:07

I'm surprised the studio would allow it. That sort of thing is strictly forbidden because if people can acquire copies for free it devalues their professional service and product! I think the time we had some professional photos done when our kids were little we paid extra to buy digital copies of 20 photos (I think) which were then not copyright restricted. But I think the extra was about £250.

I don't think I'd object per se to their mum seeing or even having digital copies in that scenario. It wouldn't be costing me any extra and it's kind of a compliment to your good idea for a thoughtful present.

Chedderbites2 · 20/07/2022 09:21

I think people are being a bit harsh on you here. In my opinion if she wants photos she should purchase a copy however maybe she just wants to see all the different shots that where taken rather than just the ones you have selected to buy snd print professionally. I assume the kids will have a copy anyway as they may keep some in mums house aswell. I understand why you questioned it, id of thought she would have paid to have some copies of the kids herself - professionally printed ones rather than phone pictures.

PuckeredArseFace · 20/07/2022 09:26

She should have asked you if she could buy one. It's cheeky and unfair on the studio IMO

mycatisannoying · 20/07/2022 09:52

YABabitU

Hadjab · 20/07/2022 09:56

Onceuponaheartache · 20/07/2022 08:30

You are being ridiculous sorry.

My ex and I still regularly arrange photo shoots for our shared child and his older 2. I use a photographer who sends a disc or online link to the pictures and I always send it on to his ex wife so she can order any nice ones of the kids she wants.

It's a few photos...you are massively over thinking and looking for reasons to be mad at her. Dial it back or walk away cos you are clearly not cut out to have a relationship with someone who has children.

Key phrase being "she can order them herself."

The Ex is being cheap. If she wants them, she could pay for them

Honeyroar · 20/07/2022 10:03

I think it’s cheeky of her. Rude to yourself and the studio (although I presume he’ll just take photos of the one she bought). It might be nice to offer her a photo, but also it would have been polite of her to ask “would you mind if I…”

You could send her one of the actual photos “I noticed X taking sneaky pics of it, but we were going to send you one anyway!” 🤣

I sent my husband’s ex several lovely photos of my stepson from our wedding (not with us on!) and some to her parents, thinking it would be a nice thing to do. Turned out at the same time she was leaving her second husband and planning a school change and house move without bothering to tell my husband.

Sally872 · 20/07/2022 10:14

Would you care if your partners son took the photo of the photo for himself or his gran?

I think yabu.

snowbellsxox · 20/07/2022 10:15

Not strange their her sons

Vikinga · 20/07/2022 10:17

It's her kids. They're just on her phone. Yabu.

PurpleWisteria · 20/07/2022 10:21

Surprised how many people think theft is ok if it's a mother.

Marchmount · 20/07/2022 10:25

Some people seem to live their lives in perpetual high drama and then you realise that they get angry & pick fights about trivial stuff like this and it becomes clear why.

Its petty in the extreme to make a fuss about who has got a copy of a photo. Just waiting for a ridiculous backstory from the OP and the other “fuming” poster on this thread trying to justify why it’s a totally proportionate reaction……

daisypond · 20/07/2022 10:25

I’m baffled why anyone thinks this is OK. Am I reading it wrong? She’s effectively stealing from the studio, a professional photographer who is trying to make a living. I’m sure it’s hard enough making a living as a photographer these days.

maddy68 · 20/07/2022 10:26

Surely if you paid for pictures to be taken you would want then to be shared and enjoyed?

They are her children in the pics. You are being silly

loveireland · 20/07/2022 10:27

Nat6999 · 19/07/2022 22:30

I went mad when my brother had paid for a photo session for me, exh & ds when ds was born & out of the photos we gave one each to the grandparents, sil on exh side took the photo without asking & got it copied, I was fuming.

Why?

Missisipihallelujah · 20/07/2022 10:31

PurpleWisteria · 20/07/2022 10:21

Surprised how many people think theft is ok if it's a mother.

Oh come on

PurpleWisteria · 20/07/2022 10:35

@Missisipihallelujah

Oh come on

Are you saying it isn't theft? In which case you are wrong.

daisypond · 20/07/2022 10:35

loveireland · 20/07/2022 10:27

Why?

Show quote history

Because it’s stealing from the photographer’s studio. If you want a copy, just pay for one properly. Or take your own photo. But if you want a nice photo (you obviously do) taken with pricey equipment, lighting, settings, studio hire, years of skill and costly training, etc etc, pay for it.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2022 10:37

YABU fgs they're pictures of pictures, what's the issue? They are her children too

LindaEllen · 20/07/2022 10:41

If it was me I'd have ordered and paid for extra prints for the boys to give to their mum for mothers day/birthday/Christmas, whichever came first.