To ask how to behave at a funeral?

[edenhills]

I am attending a funeral on Thursday. I have never been to one before and had an odd childhood where I wasn't really taught a lot of social conventions so I'm feeling quite stressed about it. I won't really know anyone there, should I try and talk to people or just keep to myself? Its my friends brother who has died who I only met a few times but I want to be there to support my friend. Should I take flowers? What kind? Are strappy sandles ok to wear. I have a long black dress but it has thin straps, should I cover my shoulders? Also how long do devices normally last? Thanks for any help you can give.

If it's in a church then you need to cover your shoulders for sure, flowers wise it depends on the families wishes, sometimes families ask for no flowers. As for how you act , you just sit there and listen really , depending on the religion then you might need to kneel or stand but just copy other people. Usually you can chat to people outside of the church but you don't have to.

No flowers usually, it often says on the "invite" donations instead of flowers or family flowers only. You could take a card for your friend, they're appreciated
I would just say hi/lovely service type thing to people
Personally would cover shoulders

No don’t take flowers but if you can have some cash on you in case they do a donation box. I find funerals are chatty so definitely feel free to talk to people (not in the actual service obviously). Length of service will depend on type, but usually around 30 mins. If a church cover shoulders, if a crem don’t worry and sandals are fine imo.

I would say to cover your shoulders but strappy sandals are fine if in a church. If you don't belong to that religion it's fine not to kneel when others do but you should stand when asked to do so.

I wouldn't take flowers but would have money on hand if there is a collection for a charity at the end of the service.

Don't take flowers and your dress can't really have thin straps and shoulders not be covered.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken flowers to a funeral. Though I’ve only been to my mum’s.

you don’t really need to talk to people you don’t know. Though if you do, I guess you might ask how they know the deceased. Just make sure you talk to the family and express your condolences.

Its lovely that you want to support your friend, I’m sure they will appreciate it.

Do you know if the service is in church or a crematorium or both?

You may find that there’s a church service followed by the crematorium, sometimes only close family go to the crematorium although sometimes everyone is welcome.

I think sandals are fine but I’d cover your shoulders for the service. People may mingle afterwards, is there a wake? If so yes talk to people there if not at the service.

The funeral director will know if there are instructions for flowers, often it’s family flowers only and a suggested charity to donate to if you would like (no obligation).

Talk to your friend obviously and you can talk to people if they ask you how you knew him.

Say I’m sorry for your loss to your friend and her family.

Don’t sit too near the front as this is for family/close friends of the deceased. I wouldn’t take flowers, ask your friend what they want as sometimes it’s a charity donation instead.

I would wear a cardigan or something over the dress and probably closed over shoes if you can

Copy other people and you’ll be fine

Is it a funeral at a church, or at a crematorium? Strappy shoulders should be covered in a church. Cremotorium - no rules but depends how revealing generally.

Don't take flowers.

Support your friend but accept she may wish to be more with her family, focus on making her day easier, and not being someone she feels she needs to look after.

Just be polite, talk to people without being intrusive. There's not usually much talking at the actual funeral, more at the tea/wake afterwards.

And it’s ok to ‘enjoy’ the occasion.

I've been to some great funerals.

I have never taken flowers to a funeral, if I cant attend I send them. I thought that was the norm? If you do wish to give flowers you send via the funeral director.

I would say a strappy dress is inappropriate, sleeveless would be ok. Clothing, unless otherwise stated, should be sombre colours, doesnt need to be black.

Often the family will have stated certain things ahead of the funeral - for example many request family flowers only, so it is worth seeing what is in the funeral notice.

Similarly I've been to funerals where the family have asked the guests to wear something colourful - it's really personal!

But on the whole I'd say you can't go wrong with a black dress, and as you say cover your shoulders - you can always take your jacket / cardigan off of you feel hot or see others with exposed shoulders and feel it's ok but it's awkward when you arrive if you haven't got something to put on on top and you feel underdressed!

Service lengths vary - it depends on how religious it will be and how many people are speaking. Expect around half an hour at a guess! Recently ones I have attended have included a hymn so you may sing but the order of service and celebrant will direct you what to do and the words will be written out for you - typically words you join in with if it's a prayer are in bold.

Your friend will likely be with their family and so you may wish to just say a discreet hello and then give them space - it depends on your relationship with them and how much they are relying on you. Be prepared that they may behave differently to how you usually see them as it will be a hard day for them. If you are attending alone then you'll likely spot others who are holding back a little more and it wouldn't be awful to say hello but remember the obvious stuff like - it's a funeral therefore more somber and you never know how the person you are talking to may be affected by the death. For some people they are able to remain quite pragmatic and "hold it together" whilst others seem to be doing well but a bit of conversation or a certain point in the service can set of tears.

I'm sorry this isn't particularly helpful as it's so vague and varies so greatly depending on a large number of factors.

I think overall go expecting it to be somber, keep fairly quiet and reserved unless called upon and it's about paying respects. A simple "thinking of you" and "let me know if I can do anything" to your friend will probably be so appreciated. You're very kind to be going to support her at a difficult time.

No flowers, definitely cover your shoulders.

Normally you gather outside and everyone is quietish

The hearse arrives and close family follow it in and sit near the front.

Everyone else files in and takes a seat in the pews

Service is around half an hour - there'll be readings and songs to listen to. Sometimes photographs on a screen

Once it's over you file out - there will be a collection box so take £5 if you are able

Afterwards you normally gather to look at the family flowers (wreaths etc that have travelled with the hearse)

There will probably be a wake at a local pub.

If you don't know anyone just be aware that you may not actually get the chance to speak with your friend.

Unfortunately I've been to many funerals and I'm not 40 yet.

YANBU to ask. Well done for wanting to support your friend.

You can try to talk to people if you want to, but no obligation. You might find someone approaches you, often with “So how did you know X?” Just be polite, keep it light.

Don’t take flowers, it’s usually family only.

Strappy sandals will be fine as long as you are comfortable in them. I don’t think anyone will be upset by thin straps in this weather. Personally I think lots of cleavage is out of place at a funeral, so if it’s low cut I would try to find a thin scarf or shawl. Doesn’t have to be black, just avoid very bright colours.

Typically the service would be half an hour or so, unless it’s a full requiem mass in a Catholic Church. Crematorium - 30 minutes max unless they have made special arrangements for a double slot.

Afterwards, the chief mourners leave first, then everyone else files out. The minister/celebrant usually waits by the door, it’s conventional to say thank you, although if there’s a crush, don’t worry if you slip past. Then the family will be there, and you can speak to your friend and (if comfortable to do so) give her a hug.

There may or may not be a “do” afterwards, that may be announced at the service or on the service sheet. If it’s announced, you don’t have to be personally invited, you can just go - if you want to. Likely more time there to speak to your friend.

Hope that helps, try to relax. Funerals are never nice, but the most important thing is showing your support by being there.

Just be there for your friend.
Dont bring anything.
Dont wear strappy shoes.

Thanks so much everyone! All really helpful. It is in a crematorium followed by a wake in a pub. No-one is religious as far as I know. The invite doesn't mention flowers, I think I've just seen that on TV shows!

Don't take flowers, send a tribute via a florist
Sandals are fine
Shoulders do need to be covered

Other than that, be yourself.

I will find a different dress with short sleeves. Great tips especially about taking money and not sitting near the front.

I only went to my first funeral a few years ago and I totally understand the nerves, it’s a really daunting prospect. You will be fine though I promise. Just take your cue from your friend and other people, the service will probably feel quite somber but if there’s a gathering afterwards you might find people are surprisingly chatty and upbeat. Just totally depends on the crowd really.

If it’s at a crematorium, be prepared that there will probably be a moment where the curtain closes around the coffin for the last time, and that’s always the most emotional part of the service as it’s sort of the final ‘goodbye’. My husband told me about this before my first funeral and warned me it might be upsetting, and I was really grateful he did because I wouldn’t have been prepared for it otherwise.

Don’t feel bad or silly if you get emotional yourself even if you didn’t know the deceased that well, it’s a sad occasion and it’s totally ok if you cry. Take tissues with you.

Good luck, and well done for supporting your friend.

If you think your outfit is too revealing then it probably is.

cover shoulders, don’t take flowers and I always try to sit near the back of the congregation

Funerals can vary a bit in formality so be prepared to take you lead from those around you. Generally:

There will be an announcement in the local paper/ on the wedding invite/on the funeral directors website about flowers. It is common for it to say family flowers only an instead have a collection for a related charity instead so take some cash for that. If they do request flowers you can order them from a local florist and usually send to the funeral director in advance although if you take them with you they will normally discreetly take them off you and add them to the rest.

The service is usually about 30/45 mins although this might depend if it's a church service or not. There will normally be a couple of readings, an obituary and a speech from an officiant. Sometimes other friends and family will get up and give tributes.

At the end close family usually leave first and there is a bit of a receiving line as the rest of the congregation go out. You would normally say something to the bereaved parents - I'm so sorry for your loss, it was a beautiful service, something complimentary to whoever gave the reading/ obituary etc. if you normally hug your friend then feel free to do that and be a bit more informal with her.

Obviously it can be a bit tricky to find the right thing to say. You don't want to say what a nice day you are having! Have a few stock phrases ready.

After the service there is usually a wake in a local pub. There tends to be a bit of a buffet and people will chat with each other and about the deceased. The mood of these can vary a lot. The last one I went to for my grandma was relatively jolly and had a bit of a family reunion vibe but she was in her late 90s so it did feel like a celebration of life. It is hard when people die young.

Feel free to chat to people there. I would have thought most people would make a bit of an effort. It's also perfectly fine to slip away after a drink and something to eat if you haven't got anyone to chat to. Just say goodbye to your friend.

In terms of dress I would probably cover my shoulders with a spaghetti strap dress. Check if they have asked people to wear black or not. Sometimes they ask for bright colours.

Hope that helps a bit. You'll be fine, if in doubt just watch those around you and copy what they do. The funeral directors are usually very good at getting everyone through it.

Really useful, thankj you x

Most people attend funerals so infrequently that you probably won't be the only one feeling their way through it.

You will quickly get a sense of who the close friends and family are, their emotions are likely to be a bit more heightened. You should hang back with the other acquaintances, it's OK to be a little tearful but generally the expectation in the UK is that you're quietly solemn and respectful. Shoulders covered.

You will probably get chance to give your friend a hug at some point after the church/ crem/ burial. She will be grateful you are there even if she can't give you much of her time.

I'm from a heavy duty Catholic family. Been to a couple of funerals recently including close family members, sadly. It's the turning up that matters, not what you wear. Yes, it's more traditional to wear unobtrusive dark clothes but unobtrusive light coloured clothes perfectly fine. Personally, no shits given about covering your shoulders particularly in this awful weather. As long as you aren't attention seeking and flamboyant in your clothing and demeanour, that's all that matters. Unless the family specifically ask for it (sometimes that's what people want). No flowers unless requested. Usually donations to a named charity