To ask how to behave at a funeral?

[edenhills]

I am attending a funeral on Thursday. I have never been to one before and had an odd childhood where I wasn't really taught a lot of social conventions so I'm feeling quite stressed about it. I won't really know anyone there, should I try and talk to people or just keep to myself? Its my friends brother who has died who I only met a few times but I want to be there to support my friend. Should I take flowers? What kind? Are strappy sandles ok to wear. I have a long black dress but it has thin straps, should I cover my shoulders? Also how long do devices normally last? Thanks for any help you can give.

If it’s crem and not religious strappy dress and sandals will be absolutely fine. I would still take something to cover shoulders myself. And actually I’d take something colourful to layer with - wearing top to toe black probably won’t be what everyone else is doing.

Get there ten minutes or so before the service is due to start. You need to be there before the family and before the hearse. So take your lead from other people there; if there are people sitting in seats when you get there, slip in and sit. If everyone is gathered outside, stand outside too.

Have tissues in your bag. I also like to have something like lip balm or hand cream, not for comfort so much as to have something to do with my hands if I’m getting really twitchy. Mints handy too. A little bit of cash in case there is a collection. And a pen.

There may be an order of service telling you what to do when, with words for any songs. Otherwise there will be a director at the front giving instructions. You won’t get it wrong, and at least half of the people there will be feeling just as uncomfortable as you are. It’s ok to feel awkward at a funeral, particularly at one for someone who may have died young; it’s not supposed to happen this way.

Have a few phrases handy for family members who may say hello. So sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry, difficult day. He will leave such a gap. And so on. Don’t be offended if your friend can’t talk to you; it will mean a lot to her that you came.

It’s ok to duck out of the wake if you want. Or just to pop in for a very short time.

Don’t take flowers. Do if you can and haven’t already get a sympathy card for your friend. If you never met her brother then keep it to just thinking of you/so sorry/lots of love type things. If you did then maybe write a short memory - that will be very precious to your friend later.

It really varies from family to family and different cultures have different ways of doing things. When I’m unsure, I opt for black clothing, as you have done (I've been to funerals where people were encouraged to wear bright colourful clothing to reflect the person’s life and celebrate their character) but I’d play it safe and wear black. If you feel unsure about bare shoulders maybe bring a light weight shawl? Once you’re there you will be able to take it off if it feels ok. It will be very hot so I think it’s understandable if you are wearing sandals (I think it would be fine regardless).

It’s likely that other people will be feeling a bit unsure like you do- most people are very conscious of the principle mourners (the very close and immediate family members) and want to do ‘the right things’ even if they’re not exactly sure what that is.

Once you’re there you will get a sense of the people who have gathered and how they are interacting and you can choose whether or not to talk to people. Nobody will think it strange if you keep yourself to yourself. I’d say there is often a sense of people wanting to acknowledge one another and find the people they are closest to once they arrive.

As for flowers, it depends… some families request no flowers (or family flowers only and ask that money is donated to a specific charity rather than spent on flowers). If you’re not sure, then it’s perfectly ok to not bring any- if you’re going to a funeral like the ones I have attended (English funerals) nobody will ask where your flowers are or wonder why you haven’t brought any.

Services are not usually more than half an hour if they are a service in a crematorium. But afterwards there is usually a wake and this part can be more informal- people are given food and drinks and can spend time chatting and remembering their loved one. It really varies from family to family. Some head down to a pub. Some have tea and sandwiches at a special venue. Some have food back at their home. My Dad’s wake was in a warehouse at his work. It was the only place big enough for all the people.

The main thing to know for the service, is that the front pews/ seating area are reserved for close relatives, so if in doubt, choose a place to sit further back. Otherwise, the whole thing will be fairly self explanatory. I’m sure your friend will be touched that you are there.

Funerals can be lovely, by the way. We had my mum's just recently, and it was fabulous, music, poems, photos, readings, and eulogies all just perfect. Lots of tears, lots of laughter, lots of love and hugs.

My friend came along, and was wonderful, she got to know a couple of other people who had come alone for me, which was great, obviously I didn't see her much during the service (an hour + for us, but that's long!) But it was great to have her to retreat to at the wake between more formal chats with people I didn't know so well, like mum's old colleagues. And to know she was there to help if anything needed sorting.

It will mean so much to your friend to know someone there has her back.

I've never taken flowers to a funeral. The last one I went to was a few weeks ago of a dear friend. They said bright colours please so I wore black trousers and a black top with a bright pink jacket and brand new white trainers. I am very close to the deceased and her family so knew I'd be fine like that. I'm late 50s now do there aren't much if an older generation to disapprove now.

I wouldn't personally have thought twice about the strappy dress and shoes. It doesn't really matter what you wear - just take heed of any instructions. At most funerals the front couple of rows are left for close family and they may well walk in last. So sit anywhere else further back. It's fine to chat or not.

You might also be invited back afterwards where you might have a chance to chat to your friend and other guests. But family have a lot of people to speak to so don't be offended if your friend is busy. Sone wakes can be quite jolly as the emotion of the funeral has been drawn out - but often for younger people they are much sadder than for an older person who lived a full life.

I cry buckets at funerals so take plenty of tissues.

Thanks everyone, I am feeling much better about it now I know what to expect xxx

I think this massively depends on the funeral
My family members died incredibly young and I was in shock at the funerals I could barely talk to anyone. Not sure I would have managed if people had been enjoying themselves but I do understand what you mean

OP, I'll echo what others have said. It's really kind of you to support your friend and the advice about just copying what others do is quite right. I hope it all goes well.

For a crem do you turn up, chat politely outside with whoever if they look chatty, don't if not. Service is stand outside till coffin is carried in and all follow and be seated. Often feels sort of churchy in there. Service length depends on whose speaking etc - if its none religious there will be probably just one person speaking prob around 15 - 20 minutes max there will be songs played in, possible one during the service and then one after. We did a screen photo display for my Dad than ran during contemplative quiet (or prayer if religious). You all leave walking past any flowers from the coffin usually, then go to pub - on your own I would go for one and give your condolences to your friend and then you are free to go.

For flowers generally you find out who the funeral directors are and call them to see what the family wants, if flowers OK you get them delivered there the night before from florist. Honestly I wouldn't bother and as others said there is often a collection towards an appropriate charity at the exit from the Crem. The cost of funeral flowers is quite high in my view for what outside of immediate family, really isn't necessary.

clothes wise, I wear somber but comfortable, so black grey purple even if its dark, dark green ok too - no real rules as such. I usually have a decent dark coloured coat which covers anything but in this weather harder - light cardi or jacket to cover up - it may be air con in the Crem

I have found with much older people often the wake is one big family get together and can be like any big family do. Younger people less so.

Wear dark colours unless you've been explicitly told not to, and make sure you take cash.

I've been caught out by the cash thing before and I felt so, so awkward. Some do cash collection after the service and don't warn you.

Dress modestly, be polite and respectful. Some funerals include a funny anecdote or two. It's ok to smile, but I wouldn't laugh out loud at those

Sit towards the back and copy other people

You'll find that, sometimes, people take a small bunch or single flower to a church/cemetery funeral as people may throw a flower on top of the coffin once it's in the ground.

But with a cremation, the coffin 'disappears' either down into the ground or through a gap in the wall by hydraulics. So there isn't an opportunity to put anything on the coffin really.

Any flowers brought in with the coffin will be removed by the funeral directors before the coffin is moved away for the cremation 'disappearance' itself. Those flowers will be from family and friends who have ordered wreaths etc and had them delivered to the funeral directors or to the home depending on the wishes of the family.

The flowers, if there are any, are usually taken out of the service room before everyone leaves in a cremation and placed outside nearby so, as you come out, you may find people wander over to have a look at them. It's often a nice ice breaker as you can comment on the lovely wreath or beautiful peonies or whatever - and that open the conversation to how did you know x?

Don't feel obliged to go to the wake if you feel you can't. Just try to find the family, express your condolences and make your excuses.

As far as going into the ceremony and the delicacy of sitting somewhere, I've always found, unless it's a family member, that it's easiest to hold back and be part of the last few mourners going in. That way all the family are seated or heading for seats and you're naturally at the back. You don't upset anyone by ending up in front of half a dozen cousins that way! Most people really don't care where they sit but some people can get a bit funny as emotions are high, so it's easier to just go in amongst the last group. Obviously if someone who knows you gestures you to go in, then do so - it's not a time to debate whether it's right or wrong with them. Go with the flow basically!

The ultimate thing is to be there for your friend and to remember it's about them and the deceased. If you think what you'd want in those circumstances, you won't go wrong as you sound like a thoughtful person.

You don't need to wear black, especially if its a fairly young person. Just quiet colours. No flowers. Donation if requested in the box, few pounds. take a tissue for yourself and friend. It can be far more moving than you think it will be. sensible shoes if its a burial. Umbrella if rain is likely. No flowers on the day. wreaths are delivered to the undertaker but the family usually sort it.

You've been given some good advice here! You definitely don't need to take flowers but if this is a close friend, send her flowers on the one year anniversary of her brother's passing.

A friend did that for me and I was so overwhelmed and touched that she remembered. With bereavement, everything is often a blur at the start but people quickly forget and think you're 'over it'. The really good friends are the ones who are there for you on the journey ahead.

Never seen anyone take flowers. Take a sympathy card, there will be somewhere to leave it. Given you barely knew the deceased, I wouldn't order a floral tribute from the funeral director, it would look weird. If there are charity donations, do that.

People may or may not be wearing black and given the heatwave dress codes may well have been relaxed - so sandals OK, but it will probably be smart. Funerals I have been too recently have tended towards not black.

Don't sit at the front as it will be family but those seats will be reserved so it will be obvious.

As wake is at pub follow everyone else's lead on behaviour. These can vary from high emotions remembering the deceased, to frankly an opportunity for everyone else in the family to catch up on family news and gossip. Don't feel obliged to stay for ages, just do what your friend wants.

Wear waterproof mascara if you wear makeup. Quite often people feel quite calm but then the sadness of the occasion gets to them and they find themselves unexpectedly in tears.
Theres often a lineup of the relatives at the exit, so be ready to say a few brief words to each of them. You’ll find the right words. They will just be so appreciative that you are there.

Give yourself time to find a parking space if you are driving. If you are too early you can sit in the car. I'd walk to the entrance a few mins before the service is due and then wait until the family go in. Avoid the front pews.

Wear what you want as long as its not attention seeking. I'm at the second wave of funerals- 25 years ago it was grandparents and elderly aunties - things were probably more formal even then- but now where funerals are often friend parents, people are less bound by convention.

I am a funeral celebrant - please don't worry as the officiant and or funeral director will guide you on the day.

For those of us in the profession we would much rather that people didn't hang back and fill the back seats. Beforehand we put out any orders of services on the seats starting from the front - and having people at the back and then a chasm in the mddle between freinds and family is not as nice as having everyne sat closer together (and we don't have to then run around and re hand out the Orders of Service!)

Yesterday there were people in shorts, sleevelelss dresses, sandals etc and no one was bothered - it was all about being there for the family. Please spare a thought for the funeral drectors in dress coats and top hats in this heat though as they have no choice. Unless your outfit is very revealing, short, low cut etc no one will mind in my experience.
Curtains may or may not close around the coffin - it is the families choice - but in the majority of crematoriums the coffin does not "move on hydrailics or disappear down to teh basement" but actually remains in place behind any closed curtains or on teh catafalque (the plinth at the front) until after everyone leaves the building. This isn't the case everywhere but people imagining the coffin disappearing from sight straight into the cremator is not the reality!
If you don't have any money for a donation - either you forget or can't afford it, no one notices or even more importantly cares.
If there is anything in the service that makes you want to laugh - go with it. The family will have approved the content and most families I work with (even young or tragic deaths) believe in celebrating a life rather than mourning a death so if there are funny anecdotes it really is ok to laugh - a good funeral has both smiles and tears as we remember our loved ones.
Being there and paying your respects and supporting your friend is teh most important thing and you have received lots of good advice. I personally wouldn't take flowers but instead would drop some round to your friend in a few days or next week to let them know you are still thinking of them as often it is the early days after the funeral that can be really hard.

If it’s too warm for a cardigan over the dress you could try a thin shirt or other top worn over the dress - it’ll look like a top and a black skirt.

Take tissues even if you are a die hard non weeper. Certain parts of a funeral can really affect you. Obviously avoid loud sobbing.

My rule of thumb is to star very quietly and certainly no casual chatting in the crematorium itself while you wait to start. A very low level of ‘hellos’ etc is ok. I like to sit quietly. Afterwards outside it’s ok to chat to people but I’d keep it low key still. At the wake people generally loosen up and enjoy reminiscing about the deceased.

Take your cues from the family. Sorry for your loss.

It's also very normal for it to feel a bit unreal and as though you're invisible because nobody is speaking to you. That's fine, too - the fact you're there is support; you've taken the time to mark their death.

I tend to let others go in front and then go in at the back.

The person you knew (if you did) might bear no resemblance to who is apparently being spoken about. And sometimes what is said can be utter bollocks or even offensive to the person you knew. It doesn't really matter.

You could also get to witness competitive grieving, some really weird behaviour or comments, maybe some insight into unpleasant family dynamics or something absolutely hilariously inappropriate. They are also normal - it's human nature, especially around death.

Flowers are usually family only with donations to a cause(might be online or a collection plate). Is it a church funeral or crematorium? Dark clothing but cover shoulders. Church service may be longer, especially if Catholic, but around 45 minutes-an hour. Family will usually meet guests outside afterwards.

I totally understand that attending a funeral can be a sensitive and unfamiliar experience, but it's great that you're seeking guidance on how to behave. Firstly, dress appropriately, opting for somber and respectful attire. Remember to maintain a quiet and solemn demeanor throughout the event, keeping conversations subdued and refraining from any inappropriate or lighthearted remarks. It's also considerate to offer condolences to the bereaved family, expressing your sympathy and support. Take your cues from those around you, and if you're uncertain, follow their lead.

If you can pop into the wake, please do. That's the time when it's really helpful for the bereaved to see people and get comfort.

At my husband's funeral I saw people briefly at the ceremony that I was very happy to see come to pay their respects. I really hoped to get chance to talk to them, but they didn't come to the wake, and I was disappointed not to be able to connect with them.

Obviously they probably simply weren't able to, but also some of them (his colleagues, for instance) apparently didn't come because they thought it would be intruding, as I didn't know them really well. So please don't over think it or feel you shouldn't. I'd have loved to talk to them about him.

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