To ask what you'd do when hurt & let down by brothers?

[buckeejit]

Background - I come from a family of 3 brothers & me. A staunch Presbyterian upbringing means imo all the brothers are repressed, (I probably am somewhat also, but am basically the black sheep that went off the rails a little)

We don’t have a lot in common but exchange birthday cards & usually the same amount of money gets put in an envelope & passed round for each sibling & spouse’s birthday.

Our mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour a year ago & died at the end of the year. Everyone pitched in somewhat with caring for her at home until she died, (the boys didn’t do any personal care or cooking-the wives helped with that).

2.5 months ago my dd (was 8-just turned 9), was diagnosed with a chronic illness. She is often in a lot of pain & now on a ton of meds with a lot of awful side effects. It’s been really traumatic for me to come to try to come to terms with this diagnosis & am very anxious about her future & grieving the easy & normal childhood I had hoped for her.

My dad communicated the diagnosis to the brothers & their wives & has since updated them on the struggles since.

Eldest & youngest brothers have no dc & I don’t expect them to know much about the illness. Both them & the wives are very churchy people & often fall over themselves to help other people in need. None of them have made the simple effort in all this time to even text to say ‘sorry to hear about the diagnosis/thinking of you/how are you/dd’. I’ve seen them all in person since - at a family funeral & one other time separately since-no mention of dd. Middle brother & wife (with dc), has made contact & shown some concern.

I really cannot understand what kind of thought process someone has to just ignore this issue. Surely you don't need dc to understand that this would be a difficult time?

I don’t know whether to make contact to say how hurt I am or just to cut what little contact we have. I have a lot of other stuff going on atm but this issue is taking up a monumental amount of headspace & I’m not sure what to do about it so would appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading this ramble.

I’m sorry about your dd. Don’t do anything. You need all your energy for her and yourself to come to terms with this. You’re full up. And they’re not worth draining you more. Forget them just now. Think about it in 6 months or so.

i Think I know the type of people you’re talking about, and imagine that they maybe won’t want to mention it until you tell it to them directly? They don’t sound emotional but happy to offer practical help when it’s needed? That said I don’t think there’s any point saying anything because they’re unlikely to think they’ve done anything wrong, which will just hurt you all the more.

Thank you for responding & you're both right. I'm pretty sure none of them would ever think they were in the wrong.

I just don't know how to stop thinking about it & want it out of my head. I can't see that there will be any beneficial resolution to this. I think I feel like other than my dad, my family has more or less gone with my mum & this has cemented it for me.

I know I need to focus on dd & am doing my best. Started with a counsellor last week & will ask her about it tomorrow

I had a similar situation with my DB when my DM was seriously unwell. Really an unacceptable response (or lack of) from him. I felt let down. Went NC, nothing from him. After 5 years I decided (for the sake of my kids and nieces) to make contact. This time I was clear about my feelings and the ridiculousness of his behaviour. He was genuinely baffled that I was so upset. Some people are emotionally dumb. They need things spelt out. Only you can decide whether you want to cool things off or be vocal.

It may be that they are waiting for you to approach them about it as they dont know how to bring it up, how they can help, don’t wish to intrude?
perhaps if you gave them an opening and discussed it with them they would respond? It can be difficult if you’ve been raised to respect a certain protocol to these things.

Thank you. I don't feel like I actually want anything from them now. It feels too late & although they buy birthday & Christmas gifts for dc, it's clearly from a feeling of obligation as they've never sought to spend any time with them, (despite enthusiastically agreeing to take ds in the event of our deaths when he was a baby) .

Definitely they are emotionally unaware, however one sil at least I expected more of-she's a beautician who often encounters clients with issues who talk to her. She even wants to become a counsellor.

It helps enormously to vent on here & know I'm not unreasonable to expect a courtesy check in. Think I might just message them to ask not to bother with birthday 'gift' for me or dh from now on & we'll not provide for them & work on separating them from my brain

That sounds really difficult and upsetting! Easy said than done but the only answer is to focus on your needs and not their weaknesses as human beings. I hOpe things look up for you soon!

Sorry you've been having a hard time and I hope it gets easier for your DD. There are a few things that spring to mind:

1. You have been told your dad told them things; that's all third hand stuff, you don't actually know if they understand the details
2. As the "black sheep", have they actually already stepped away from you long ago? Being polite at events but no other contact? The may not want to reopen the can of worms of a relationship with you, regardless of circumstances. Depending on how badly you behaved, that may or may not be reasonable of them, but it is their choice regardless.

Can you talk to your brothers directly rather than through your dad?

Perhaps your dad hasn't passed the message on in full. They may be a bit oblivious to how bad it is. They may be waiting for you to bring it up. Personally, when my family let me down or piss me off I tell them and we all get over it. It's not a big drama, I just communicate my feelings. People tend to be caught up in their own issues and sometimes need things spelling out. Every family is different though. Yours may just be selfish knobs.

Thanks - I guess they've stepped away years ago as we have different lifestyles. I never did anything bad to them, just like alcohol & partying when younger, they like church meetings, (eldest is a preacher & rather sanctimonious), that's all that makes me the black sheep.

I think they would feel I was being dramatic or something, not quite sure but I could speak to them directly. Don't see them but could text to say 'I feel hurt & disappointed that you've not asked after dd since diagnosis 2.5 months ago'

Not sure if that would be better? I'm normally one for getting things out in the open but can't see a resolution here so unsure whether it would help any of us.

I also feel that sil who I'm surprised by with lack of empathy, for some reason, has decided on some Sort of narrative that it's not that bad. I know my dad feels guilty as he has had a cancer that was probably related to the disease & there is a genetic link. He said when they were talking about it, sil said 'but what are all these medications for?' As in, are they really necessary

I wouldn't say you were hurt.

I'm just thinking about my own relationship with my brothers (also Presbyterian) and weirdly how much it's improved since my mum died and we communicate directly with each other.

I don't think asking what medications are for implies that they aren't needed, more like just asking for details; to understand if it should fix a condition, or relieve pain, or prevent it getting worse etc. It's a bit confusing why you're getting annoyed about supposed responses to your dad, when you weren't there and are just interpreting. I don't think it will help to jump into conversations being hurt and annoyed, how about just letting them know the real situation with "I don't know how much dad has said" at the start. If they don't care when they hear she is in pain, then it makes sense to cut contact and you have clear reasons. If there's specific support you want, then ask for it, rather than assuming they'll figure it out. If they let you down when you've been clear, then again you'll know where you stand.

whether to make contact to say how hurt I am i would definitely do that.

Your brothers are a product of their upbringing and you all don't seem close at all, why do you expect more from them. Sometimes it is easier to avoid the very link or connection to an unhappy childhood (each other) and function normally with everyone else. Nothing you say will make them suddenly change, you can't force something that's not there in the first place.

My take is that them messaging you to say how sorry they are just takes precious time away from your day when you need all your time and energy to devote to your DC.

Question. Is there practical help that you could or would reasonably ask them for?
If yes, contact them, say you don't know how much detail your Dad passed on, but, here is the situation, and you are asking for help, namely (whatever).
If not - tbh it doesn't matter what they think or do, does it? Worrying about not getting a "sorry this has happened" from brothers you're not at all close with, is "hoovering behind the wardrobe" - a way of thinking about anything but the real issue, which is your DD's poor health. And there have GOT to better and less upsetting distraction techniques than that!

Thanks - that's good responses & plenty for me to think about.

I know what you mean about interpreting things, although I do know sil well enough to know that's what she meant & dad confirmed it when he said he replied 'well I don't really know, I suppose we just have to trust the experts'

Having said this I don't think either that they're completely uncaring. I'm just baffled. Will certainly think about these different viewpoints before deciding what to do.

I think you should absolutely tell your brothers how hurt you are and how much you would appreciate their support.

If they don't step up, then step back from them.

@nca just reflecting on this & wondering from your perspective why you wouldn't say you were hurt? Has the Presbyterian angle got an influence?

Just. You don't know what your brothers have been told and how it's been put across to them. Until you've had an actual conversation with them directly I wouldn't get into hurt or not hurt you know? You don't know what they think you want - I just know what my mum was like for wanting to control the narrative and it causes issues for me with my brothers that we don't have at all now that we communicate directly.

Ah I see, thanks.

No, I can be sure my dad has no desire to control the narrative, will just pass on information on how dd has been. He's a peacekeeper though & wants to keep everyone upbeat so may add in that she's keeping upbeat or similar, but only after passing on the bare facts.

I know what you mean about Presbyterian women controlling the narrative though!

I know a few people like that, where they fall over themselves to help those in need, when they've an audience. But are never there for those closest to them. It's a real shame.

It may be harsh, but tbh to me I think it's a sign of narcissism. They want to help, but they want to help on their terms, and get the credit for it. As you're their sister, they can't just help and get praise, they'd need to continuously be there, with you and your child being the main focus, and not so much any focus on their actions. So they just don't bother. They don't get anything out of helping you - gives them no satisfaction and they can't use it to make themselves feel better about themselves, too much hard work in your case as it wouldn't be an easy fix eg, organising a fundraiser, food collection and drop offs, etc etc.

Perhaps I am too much of a negative Nancy but that's just my thoughts based on the people I know who would do similar. It's a real shame. Sorry it has upset you, try to just focus all your energy on your daughter. They don't deserve an ounce of your time.

Yes. They might think that you don't want to talk about it as you let/asked your dad tell them.

K8Shrop I know a few people like that, where they fall over themselves to help those in need, when they've an audience. But are never there for those closest to them. It's a real shame.

Yes, I do too. And it's this that really hurts. Like they can turn on the empathy when it suits them.

If they do know the facts, and it appears they do as your dad told them, then it's a huge let down that they've not reached out to you.

If you feel able, then I'd tell them you're disappointed that they haven't asked after your daughter, especially as they are always keen to help others.

It might not change anything but it might make you feel better, even in a small way.

It's still not the same as you talking to them directly. It puts a distance