To ask what you'd do when hurt & let down by brothers?

[buckeejit]

Background - I come from a family of 3 brothers & me. A staunch Presbyterian upbringing means imo all the brothers are repressed, (I probably am somewhat also, but am basically the black sheep that went off the rails a little)

We don’t have a lot in common but exchange birthday cards & usually the same amount of money gets put in an envelope & passed round for each sibling & spouse’s birthday.

Our mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour a year ago & died at the end of the year. Everyone pitched in somewhat with caring for her at home until she died, (the boys didn’t do any personal care or cooking-the wives helped with that).

2.5 months ago my dd (was 8-just turned 9), was diagnosed with a chronic illness. She is often in a lot of pain & now on a ton of meds with a lot of awful side effects. It’s been really traumatic for me to come to try to come to terms with this diagnosis & am very anxious about her future & grieving the easy & normal childhood I had hoped for her.

My dad communicated the diagnosis to the brothers & their wives & has since updated them on the struggles since.

Eldest & youngest brothers have no dc & I don’t expect them to know much about the illness. Both them & the wives are very churchy people & often fall over themselves to help other people in need. None of them have made the simple effort in all this time to even text to say ‘sorry to hear about the diagnosis/thinking of you/how are you/dd’. I’ve seen them all in person since - at a family funeral & one other time separately since-no mention of dd. Middle brother & wife (with dc), has made contact & shown some concern.

I really cannot understand what kind of thought process someone has to just ignore this issue. Surely you don't need dc to understand that this would be a difficult time?

I don’t know whether to make contact to say how hurt I am or just to cut what little contact we have. I have a lot of other stuff going on atm but this issue is taking up a monumental amount of headspace & I’m not sure what to do about it so would appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading this ramble.

Can you talk to middle brother (or wife) to say that you are hurt that neither brother A or Z have shown any care or offered support, not been in touch at all... maybe even ask if he has heard whether they are OK, as seems so inconsiderate to show absolutely no interest or care that maybe they are engulfed by some other personal drama?

Thanks all. Having slept on it, I definitely don't want anyone else saying anything to them. My dad called straight after my counselling session last night & I unintentionally blurted it all out to him, although he was already somewhat aware. He couldn't quite articulate his reasons why he thought they hadn't reached out. The closest he got was 'they're maybe embarrassed, but not embarrassed....'

Anyway I've drafted this text to send them later & would appreciate opinions on whether the words & tone come across as ok. I've left out feeling hurt for now as I understand that them viewing it as an attack of sorts won't contribute to useful discourse.

Hope you’re both well. Just thought I’d update you on Dd. I’m not sure what your reasons are for not asking after her since the diagnosis but thought I’d give you an update anyway. She’s doing ok at the minute though up & down. Not sure how much you know about ulcerative colitis, (we knew/know very little), but it’s a complicated lifelong illness that is unpredictable & often painful. She’s on some medications to hopefully get her into remission, (where the inflammation in her gut is under control & symptoms of the disease improve). It can take months or years to find the right combination of medications & most of them can have unpleasant side effects, as well as making her immunocompromised, which is an additional worry for us.
We’re hopeful that the latest meds will work & we’re grateful that she is being a real trooper with everything & to have supportive friends. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of what’s going on. I won’t send further updates but please do shout if you’ve any questions. Take care now.

I think I'm better just to send to the brothers & leave sil out of it. Any advice appreciated-I'm already feeling better about

It does sound a bit angry, bits like "I’m not sure what your reasons are for not asking after her since the diagnosis but thought I’d give you an update anyway." and "I won’t send further updates but"' are passive aggressive. Remove those and you are giving them an update assuming that they care. It's much easier for them to them respond positively to you than if you push them onto the back foot with digs. However much you feel it's justified, that would more likely push them away.

Your dad sounds a bit defensive, I'd lay bets he's minimised the severity significantly. They may believe it is mild and under control. Go gently and hopefully they will understand more so that they step up to help you.

On the whole it's fine. Detailed enough for them to see what's going on, but not a blow by blow account of her symptoms and treatment.

But leave out this bit: I’m not sure what your reasons are for not asking after her since the diagnosis but thought I’d give you an update anyway. Without that it just sounds quite friendly and assumes they're interested and would want to know. Then make a judgement call based on their response or lack of.

Thanks @MRex. I'll remove the last bit about not sending further updates but why they haven't asked is really important for me to understand so I want to leave that or something like it in.

Agree my dad is minimising. We were brought up in a 'don't make a fuss' house I guess. When we were ending the call last night he felt the need to say 'remember it's not about you or your siblings it's about dd'. Like my feelings should be dismissed.

I agree it's a bit passive aggressive.

The bit about being grateful for having supportive friends would make me go "well that's me told. She doesn't want anything to do with me"

I guess I could leave it out & then add it back in to my next message depending on their responses

If you want to find out what's going on tbh you'd be better ringing them or seeing them face to face. Tone doesn't translate well to text

I meant leave out the bit about not knowing why they haven't asked. I can just remove the supportive friends bit-just wanted to add something positive & clutching at straws

Hi OP,
Hope your daughter is doing ok - I have a girl the same age.
I'm from similar background although my parents were the ones who left the church behind. I think it's a world that can be all consuming and unfortunately that can leave out others even if they are family.
I'd take onboard the advice others have given you on removing bits of your text but I would add early on 'this has been a shock to DD and us because of the discomfort and potential complications she now has to manage for the rest of her life'. (Apologies if that isn't quite the right wording as I don't have a total understanding of UC apart from knowing a friend who has it). This might help them see it more from your perspective.
Wishing you good luck.

I would assume hearing the news second hand that you didn't want to talk about it so I wouldn't mention it either. Maybe speak to them yourself and let them know it's ok to ask. I wouldn't tell them you're hurt in case they've assumed as I would - that makes it into an issue it actually might not be.

Why did you add that you think they are repressed?
What do you mean by that?

Sorry just read further - not sure why I couldn't see it. I stand by what I say on my first post and your text seems great but leave out"I’m not sure what your reasons are for not asking after her since the diagnosis but thought I’d give you an update anyway".

Me and my brother aren’t close at all. We see each other at Christmas and when our mum summons us for a family meal.
If you aren’t in contact directly as a regular thing, and you’ve left it to your dad to pass on the info I’m surprised that you expect them to make contact. I know other families would but this seems like an expected change to your normal expectations.
I wouldn’t send a lengthy text. If you want them to make more contact, pick up the phone, ask how they are, get an update on their families, and update them on yours. I’m sorry to hear your DD is poorly and that’s really tough, but this sounds like a departure in expectation from your siblings?

I think step back and think what do you WANT? Is it for your brothers to show you some care/love? Then be clear - eg I’m feeling really worried about DD at the moment. Anyone want to meet up? I could do with cheering up.’

or is it to express your anger eg ‘I am feeling sad you don’t get in touch. It’s been crazy here. Shall we meet up?Do you want an update’?

Telling them off (although they deserve it..) will just get their backs up.

decide what response you want and pitch your words accordingly

I understand why you want to know, but I would try to think of this as a longer conversation. If you lead with criticism then everything falls apart. Lead positively to start the conversation off properly and they might offer just what you need, or tell you unprompted why they didn't call before, or you could find a friendly way of saying that you could do with family getting in touch just to sound off and they'll say "oh sorry we didn't before, we thought X". Or they might reject your nice approach and then you can go in all guns blazing because there's nothing left to lose.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup because we we're all brought up in a family that didn't really show emotions or tackle difficult things so maybe they feel uncomfortable with the sadness of it, I'm not sure.

I will add the bit about it being a shock.

Not sure if it's relevant but we all live within 2 miles of each other so although I wouldn't say we were close, I feel that we should be more. We have all spent a lot of time together recently while nursing my mum when she dying from a brain tumour. There was a lot of difficult stuff tackled together there. If this hadn't happened, id be less shocked.

All I want is to get this out of my head & to understand their position. Don't get me wrong, it would be great if they took an interest & wanted to be more of a family & support each other, but I realise that you can't force people to care. So even if they said, 'we know but don't have time to ask' or similar, then I'd know where things stood & could more or less write them off

I really cannot understand what kind of thought process someone has to just ignore this issue. Surely you don't need dc to understand that this would be a difficult time?

As someone who would probably do the same as them, I really can't understand how me saying any words would make any difference. or be of any benefit whatsoever. If anything, talking about an unfixable problem seems harmful, to the extent it causes people to focus on it even more than they otherwise woud. If someone is sick, they need doctors to cure them, or invent cures if there aren't any, or to pray for them, if they believe in that sort of thing.

As an atheist non-doctor, there's zero I can do that will be of any benefit, as I see it. (I understand you think you will get something out of being contacted, but I'm completely baffled by that, it seems utterly irrational.)

I personally wouldn't send a text or mention it.
It could be that they are unfeeling or it be simply be down to the fact you didn't contact them directly. A lot people will not get involved if they receive secondhand information and others would be offended.

I do not understand your logic at all. One of the craziest responses I've read on Mumsnet.

OP, most people do not think like this. I would be as hurt as you if my family showed no interest in my child's life changing diagnosis.

It's always problematic when information is not delivered directly but through a third party. I would write and explain DD's issues. Ask them to pray for her and you that you get support to strengthen you (and put in what sort of support you'd like). If this doesn't do it , nothing will. But at least you will know.

Hi op I'm sorry about your dd.

I sort of know how you feel, my dd was seriously ill a few years ago (then she'd 10yo) and was in hospital ventilated for a few days.

When we got home my brother popped over for about 5 mins, didn't ask about dd at all and I didn't hear anything from him again for a couple of weeks!

He lives locally and has kids himself.

Even now I can't really believe it, if it had been one of his kids I'd have been texting and checking they were okay or if I could do anything, I'd buy my niece/nephew a present and be popping over etc.

I have to say it's not something I'll ever forget.

I love your user name @buckeejit** and am very sorry to hear of your dd's illness and your dm's death. That is s lot to come to terms with.
You wrote "..... they buy birthday and Christmas gifts for the dc, it's clearly from a feeling of obligation, as they've never sought to spend any time with them ( despite enthusiastically agreeing to take ds in the event of our deaths when he was a baby)

Do that couple have fertility issues ?

I have no idea why they have not spoken to you about your dd's diagnosis.
There's nowt so queer as folk.

Oh good heavens' OP, if you send that text you're basically setting fire to your relationships with your brothers!

"Hope you’re both well. Just thought I’d update you on Dd. I’m not sure what your reasons are for not asking after her since the diagnosis but thought I’d give you an update anyway. <- PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, BOUND TO MAKE THEM DEFENSIVE She’s doing ok at the minute though up & down. Not sure how much you know about ulcerative colitis...

...We’re hopeful that the latest meds will work & we’re grateful that she is being a real trooper with everything & to have supportive friends <- TOTALLY UNLIKE YOU. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of what’s going on. I won’t send further updates <- BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY DON'T CARE AND I'M FURIOUS ABOUT THAT but please do shout if you’ve any questions. Take care now <AGAIN, P/A AS ALL HELL

You know they're a bIt emotionally stunted, you haven't told them yourselves or discussed it with them at all and you expect them to bring up a painful subject themselves? It sounds unrealistic. You know what repressed people they are, so don't look for them to be what they aren't.

I'm very sorry for your DD and the worries and stress it puts on your family. I think some of your hurt may are a displacement for the worry and uncertaintly you feel.

@Getoff do you think your way of thinking is similar to most other peoples? It seems completely un empathetic, verging on pathological. I don't know how you would hold relationships with anyone if you can't say 'you're going through a tough time, I'm sorry' or anything vaguely similar. Someone sympathising will definitely not make me focus any more on the problem!

@LadyEloise1 it's possible they have had fertility issues but give the impression they're not that interested in children. They are very secretive. I used to joke that they thought they were the Posh & Becks of our town & wouldn't say they were going on holiday. I doubt if anyone really cares that they were off to Portugal or wherever 

@SpiderVersed I think you're right that some
of my hurt is displaced, I will tone it down & guage from their replies if I get any. I'm just so curious to understand what their thought process is here. I do t want much from them. Just to mention it & at least pretend to care!

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I'm sorry you've been through something similar. I definitely won't forget this. Feels like I'm clutching at straws to hope for a good outcome.

Will adjust the message & send in next hour & report back if there's any reply