To ask what you'd do when hurt & let down by brothers?

[buckeejit]

Background - I come from a family of 3 brothers & me. A staunch Presbyterian upbringing means imo all the brothers are repressed, (I probably am somewhat also, but am basically the black sheep that went off the rails a little)

We don’t have a lot in common but exchange birthday cards & usually the same amount of money gets put in an envelope & passed round for each sibling & spouse’s birthday.

Our mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour a year ago & died at the end of the year. Everyone pitched in somewhat with caring for her at home until she died, (the boys didn’t do any personal care or cooking-the wives helped with that).

2.5 months ago my dd (was 8-just turned 9), was diagnosed with a chronic illness. She is often in a lot of pain & now on a ton of meds with a lot of awful side effects. It’s been really traumatic for me to come to try to come to terms with this diagnosis & am very anxious about her future & grieving the easy & normal childhood I had hoped for her.

My dad communicated the diagnosis to the brothers & their wives & has since updated them on the struggles since.

Eldest & youngest brothers have no dc & I don’t expect them to know much about the illness. Both them & the wives are very churchy people & often fall over themselves to help other people in need. None of them have made the simple effort in all this time to even text to say ‘sorry to hear about the diagnosis/thinking of you/how are you/dd’. I’ve seen them all in person since - at a family funeral & one other time separately since-no mention of dd. Middle brother & wife (with dc), has made contact & shown some concern.

I really cannot understand what kind of thought process someone has to just ignore this issue. Surely you don't need dc to understand that this would be a difficult time?

I don’t know whether to make contact to say how hurt I am or just to cut what little contact we have. I have a lot of other stuff going on atm but this issue is taking up a monumental amount of headspace & I’m not sure what to do about it so would appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading this ramble.

Good luck OP - I genuinely don’t think a text is the way forwards but you know your family best

buckeejit - I'm so sorry that your daughter has this diagnosis, and that your birth family is not supportive.
My grandmother had a saying about people who were unkind: "Where it ain't, you can't find it." I have found that to be accurate.
I think you should expect nothing from them, and get support from your friends, colleagues, medical team as necessary.
I hope that your daughter responds well to treatment and feels the benefit of it very soon.
I have IBS, and it's tiresome, to say the least. However, its' treatment in paediatric medicine is vastly improved since I was diagnosed, decades ago.
Use the paediatric clinical team support, ensure that her school health and academic teams know the details and how to support her, and congratulate yourself on having sidelined the unsupportive behaviour of your siblings. For the foreseeable future, your focus and energies are required elsewhere.

Just sent this

Hope you’re both well. Just thought I’d update you on dd. Although the diagnosis was somewhat expected, it has still been a big shock for us all to come to terms with, because of the discomfort & potential complications she now has to manage for the rest of her life.

She’s doing ok at the minute though up & down. Not sure how much you know about ulcerative colitis, (we knew/know very little), but it’s a complicated lifelong illness that is unpredictable & painful. She’s on some medications to hopefully get her into remission, (where the inflammation in her gut is under control & symptoms reduce). It can take months or years to find the right combination of medications & most of them can have unpleasant side effects, as well as making her immunocompromised, which is another worry.

We’re remaining hopeful that the latest meds will work & we’re grateful that dd is being a real trooper with everything.

Just wanted to make sure you were aware of what’s going on. Take care now.

@buckeejit , It's easier to be angry and hurt with people (who you can confront) than be angry and hurt at the sheer unfairness of the world.

When I was scared and distressed following a sudden bereavement, I found tackling small, unrelated fears helped me because the huge fear of life without my Mum was too awful to contemplate. And I'd be furious with my elderly FIL for moaning about being old when at least he was alive and healthy when my much younger Mum wasn't. It was displacement of stuff too big to cope with.

I wish you and your daughter all the best in finding a way through her condition. Cut your brothers some slack - they can't give you what they don't have.

Youngest has responded with 'we ask dad about her every day for updates. This is tough for you, ask if you need anything'

How do you feel about that message? It was sent quickly and looks caring, but you know him best.

It's a bit better than nothing but kind of a cop out I suppose. I'm not going to ask him for anything. As pp says you can't find what isn't there. There's no support for dd or me in him getting updates from our dad & not making contact. It's basically just reduced to a topic of conversation if they don't reach out in some way. I am glad he responded though. Will see how things go forward.

Older brother not yet replied - may be preaching, who knows?

I'm so sorry that this has happened.
I don't have much to add other than all good wishes to you.
As a snippety aside, we have staunch religious members of the family... and with very similar experiences.

My younger brother has deeply upset me over something very personal recently. I have in the past done an awful lot for him. I have helped him financially as well.

I sent him an a mail about 10 days ago. He has not replied. He is actually living completely rent free in my house, and is just avoiding me.

I don’t think I can come back from this. He’s an idiot really because my older brother will not speak to him either. I was the only one left in the family to help.

Anyway I wanted to say I understand your hurt. For me, I am considering going NC. I am also thinking if he ever comes to me for help again, it will be a straight no.

I’m not sure if time will heal things, but making this decision has helped remove it from my head and stop obsessing about it.

As I said, I probably won’t do it, but it’s allowed me a breathing space.

OP, my DS(14) was diagnosed with UC last year (and other delightful related conditions). My DH updates his family on how DS was and is. My FIL just doesn't always take it on board, hears what he wants to, minimises it or is distracted by something else. Or, he listens to people who know someone who has colitis or crohn's, who tell him it can be managed by diet alone, with no need for drugs, and then relays to me all their (un)helpful advice! I just repeat the same condensed information every time and he always surprised by it. My BILs dont ask after DS. They're just not that type of family.

My folks and my DB and SIL texted me most days when we had lots of A&E visits and trying to find out what DS had, but he is in remission now and they will ask after him every so often. Although, we're not that close a family either. But I think that's how it is for some people - if all is outwardly ok, then don't dwell, especially if you're a person who doesn't make a fuss! It's nice knowing that people care but maybe think of it as one less thing you have to do. Your text was good: calm and measured. It's up to them if they want to engage further as time goes on.

I hope your DD is doing ok now and her symptoms are under control. We are 15 months since diagnosis and I still feel out of my depth! So much information to take on board and think about: prognosis, side effects of medication, knowing when it's a flare up and not just something he ate, etc.

Thanks for the good wishes & sorry other people are suffering from similar.

@NameChange8318008 hope your ds is ok now. DD's not great yet but I'm starting to feel a little more hopeful, fingers crossed.

I feel better for putting it out there & have a little more understanding maybe of their strange ways.

Oldest has only just replied to say they've been asking dad for periodical updates & haven't wanted to ask when they saw us as dd was with me. Not sure why he couldn't send a text previously. It's amazing how something that seems to clear cut to me can be viewed so differently.

Again, I really really appreciate everyone's comments. It has helped me to progress & sort of resolve the issue & now I'm going to bed with a bit of cleared headspace for which I'm so grateful