To not want to go to the tip today?

[TipTopTurvy]

Dh doesn't drive. Today is my day off.
Dh has just announced he wants me to take some old furniture to the tip.
I dont want to, having already done 3 loads of washing - he has hung out one, tidied the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom and...its hot? Its 28 degrees here so dont fancy sitting in line to haul the furniture into smelly tip containers. Plus it's far too heavy for me to lift the other side by myself. (I have no idea if he will come. I suspect not)
I said no, it's too hot. He responded with well instant this stuff gone, and it's not that hot yet, you said so yourself. (At 7am. It's now 28 degrees)
I said I would do it on saturday, my next day off. He said no and he wants it gone today.

I'd do it - get's it done and it's pretty quiet out where we are so probably no queue like there will be on the weekend.

@TokyoTen have you actually RTFT?

I'm so sorry OP. He is an abusive prick and I hope you can find the strength to leave him.

You didn't get him arrested - he did.

You didn't escalate - it's a chuffing pizza - he did.

He needed meds because alcoholic withdrawal can cause seizures and death without medication. Why was he withdrawing - because he drinks too much - not you, that's his fault.

Withdrawal isn't fun, it's totally awful, i've been there a few times but it was always my fault that I had withdrawals, no one elses, mine.

Addicts will seek to blame anyone else for their bad behaviour/their drinking. "I only drink because you ate the pizza" or whatever, what a load of crap. I drank because it was a beautiful hot day, a cold day, because I was busy, because i was bored, because I was happy, sad, angry, frustrated. Any old excuse would do.

IF HE IS SERIOUS about detox, (do you mean rehab) then I'd wait but only if its weeks away. Detox isn't enough, it just gets the alcohol out of your system, rehab deals with the reasons you drink in the first place and how to live a happy life sober. Don't let him make promises to go that will never materialise. Rehab was the best thing I ever did by a million miles.

Many of us who spent three months there are like myself and still sober years later, others are dead, others are still drinking and using.

Rehab is an amazing opportunity, the best thing, but it's not a guarantee of sobriety.

If he's serious about rehab, (a week isn't long enough, I went for 12 weeks) then give him a chance if you wish to. But be on your guard, and plan to leave is there is a relapse.

I would also plan to leave now as he may find an excuse not to go there. Plan plan and plan a life without him and how you'll finance it, where you will live etc.

His behaviour was so bad you had to call the police on him and he's "traumatised"?? By having to face a direct consequence for his own actions? OP, if being arrested and spending the night in a cell doesn't make him take responsibility for his actions and commit to changing then nothing will. But he's not taking responsibility, instead he's playing the victim and blaming you for "escalating" things (in other words, not tiptoeing around him and doing exactly as he says) rather than owning his own abusive behaviour. Can you contact someone from Womens Aid or Refuge for advice?

There is something from your house that needs to be thrown out, and it isn't the furniture.

Easier said than done OP, I know. But you don't need to live like this.

Honestly I read posts like this (even before the additional info) and cannot believe that people live like this.

OP, here is how the discussion should have gone:

DH - I've done some sorting, there is a bunch of stuff to take to the tip, would you be ok to take it please?
You: Great work! Happy to take it but not in this weather. Next day off is Saturday, so I will take it then as it looks like it will be cooler. May need you to come with me to move it though as it looks pretty heavy.
DH: Brilliant, thanks. Yes of course, I will come and help move it. Thanks loads.

There is no other version that is acceptable.

How can you live like this? He's an abusive cunt, and your children will be learning from him and modelling themselves on him. There is no financial situation that can justify you staying with this man.

Is the furniture still ok? Where I am I put stuff out in front of my drive and people come and get it within about half an hour! I do t take anything g to the tip unless it's bagged black bag rubbish. Everything else is put outside and gets taken.

But reading your update you need to dump your partner.

Hes traumatised because of the police thing. I shouldn't have called apparently. Even then kids say I did the right thing. He told me to hang up and I didnt. Now I have "caused a world of pain".

And is it abuse? Really? Or am i being sensitive and he is just a pain in the arse? He says the drinking him isnt the real him.

I mean, maybe I should do the tip runs, of course as he cannot drove. I just didnt want to do them today when it's hot.

Anyway, I have been twice. So.its done. There is another bike to go out may put it outside for someone to take as a pp suggested.

The kids have been sent home early so me and youngest are eating ice lollies and I dropped some off to my team at work too. Middle is still walking home - text them to say make sure they drink their lucozade and use the face spray I bought them and di I need to pick them up but no reply in typical teenage fashion 🤣 oldest out swimming.

Dh went to sit at the shop.of his shopkeeper mate a few hours ago so I presume he is still there. We will have a peaceful afternoon.

Thanks for talking to me and the advice. Sometimes I think I am going mad.

Wow. Not everybody has a perfect hubby like you eh? It is not always so easy to leave someone. Money is a factor for a lot of people not leaving their partners, in case you cannot understand that.

Hope you get things sorted going forward OP, however you decide to proceed.

So you just carried on being a martyr and even took lollies to your workplace on your day off.

Great job. What a great example to set the kids.

To be fair to the OP she is trying to keep a calm house when an absolute arsehole is trying to upend it with his addiction and abuse, women in these scenarios usually go over and above to appease the abuser, especially if theres kids involved. Yes, the behaviour ia marty like but I recognise so much of it from experience. The thinking is like "well, if I keep absolutely everything and everyone else perfect/clean/happy/fed then he wont have a reason to kick off".
Bringing lollies to work on a day off is like seeking further affirmation that the OP is not the baddie here, from outside sources.
Noke of this will stop the arsehole of a man shes with from kicking off of course.
But it takes a long time for some of us to work that out.
I'd bet the house he's off the road for drink driving too.

Wait,what? The kids weren't with me. After eldest dc helped with the first tip run, they went out. When I took the lollies into work, the others were at school. Also, I was doing something nice for the team I manage on the hottest day if the year?

There was a thread on here of someone who sent an ice cream van to her work! She didnt get told she was setting a bad example to her kids? Showing kindness is what I would have been setting an example of, had indeed the kids been with me, which they weren't!

It was a side comment on a thread about going to he tip saying the issue had been resolved as I had gone, and how I was going to enjoy the afternoon?

You did a lovely thing TipTopTurvy, dont justify it. There's enough demands on your time, dont use your day off to pop into work I would think, but thats just my opinion.

I know this is just talking into the void but to get it out of my head ...
Dh called after DS was home asking for a lift back from the shop. I said yes, we are going to b and m, I will pick you up on the way. He said he didnt want to go to b and m. So I offered to collect him on the way back. Wasnt good enough, he wanted me to pick him up take him home then go out. Stripped and hung up the phone. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it in one trip. Anyway so hes annoyed about that.

Later, dc called from the next town iber, had been out all day and asked for a lift. I said ok and went and got them. Cos their a child.

This pissed Dh off. I said i offered a lift? Anyway.

Later, he walks in says " I am going to have a ciggy then I'd like you to take me to nisa please." But itnwas said as a command. So I said yes, then commented asking would have been nice. He tried to say he did ask, he said please. I said I was injecting to his time if voice, but more than happy to take him. Literally had my keys with me. He reckons he said "could" he didnt. I said I was just saying you need to speak nicer to me. He said I need to take a good long hard look at myself?

He has walked out to the shops. I literally offered him a lift?
So do I drive out and get him and take him? Or let him walk?

Give him the phone number of a local driving school.

Let him walk.
Look up Womens Aid, and start thinking about a plan for the rest of your life that doesn't involve this nonsense from him.

Let him walk, and you really need to say no to him and put yourself first.

Nothing you do, no matter what will be good enough for him.

Do you think he is manufacturing arguments so that he can walk out and go drinking? This is a common game with alcoholics?

He's lost his license for medical reasons.

Start living separately under the same roof.

What does he actually bring to the family?

He doesn't walk out to go drinking at a pub, no.
He went to get more alcohol.
Re making reasons for arguments... to prove I am a bad person, maybe? I mean all he bought was beer, but he had bought beer earlier and there are still beers in the kitchen? To prove i would/wouldnt drive him maybe? Not a question I can put to him really.

It was to get more beer then just not in a pub.
He's just being an arse - he is trying to undermine you, so that you'll believe he is all you deserve.

Just look at his behaviour for what it is, he is being a selfish pig and making your life and your children's lives miserable. It's not about you, it's about him trying to destroy your self confidence and have you tolerating his abusive behaviour, because that it what it is, control and abuse.