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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the tip today?

93 replies

TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 09:56

Dh doesn't drive. Today is my day off.
Dh has just announced he wants me to take some old furniture to the tip.
I dont want to, having already done 3 loads of washing - he has hung out one, tidied the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom and...its hot? Its 28 degrees here so dont fancy sitting in line to haul the furniture into smelly tip containers. Plus it's far too heavy for me to lift the other side by myself. (I have no idea if he will come. I suspect not)
I said no, it's too hot. He responded with well instant this stuff gone, and it's not that hot yet, you said so yourself. (At 7am. It's now 28 degrees)
I said I would do it on saturday, my next day off. He said no and he wants it gone today.

OP posts:
PassMeThePineapple · 18/07/2022 10:15

Op has seen on the queue cam that there's a queue. There is at ours too in the week when I go. Just depends where it is.

maddiemookins16mum · 18/07/2022 10:16

Ours is closed.

Chakraleaf · 18/07/2022 10:16

I'm going to the tip :(

Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 10:18

PassMeThePineapple · 18/07/2022 10:15

Op has seen on the queue cam that there's a queue. There is at ours too in the week when I go. Just depends where it is.

I suspect people are trying to go this morning before the real heat starts?
Gonna go, tbh it'll be a while thing if I dont. Will try and see if ds can help me at the other end maybe. If not, i will just do my best and hope the workers might help. If not I will just drive it back and do it Saturday with other dc help.

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 18/07/2022 10:18

Have you checked it's even open, ours have opened for the morning only closing at 11am today and tomorrow

Meraas · 18/07/2022 10:18

Chakraleaf · 18/07/2022 10:16

I'm going to the tip :(

Hopefully it's your own choice and you're not being forced by your knobhead husband, like OP.

Meraas · 18/07/2022 10:20

I suspect people are trying to go this morning before the real heat starts?
Gonna go, tbh it'll be a while thing if I dont. Will try and see if ds can help me at the other end maybe. If not, i will just do my best and hope the workers might help. If not I will just drive it back and do it Saturday with other dc help.

Give me strength, seriously? Are you a martyr?

justforthisnow · 18/07/2022 10:23

Does he drink? Why cant he remember what he texted? He sounds absolutely horrendous. Go to the tip, bring him, and leave him there.

Velvetbee · 18/07/2022 10:23

Leave this nasty, nasty man.

SBAM · 18/07/2022 10:24

After you’ve got rid of the furniture please consider getting rid of the husband, he sounds like he doesn’t care about you. I’d treat a neighbour or acquaintance nicer than he’s treating you.

Putonyourshoes · 18/07/2022 10:25

TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 10:18

I suspect people are trying to go this morning before the real heat starts?
Gonna go, tbh it'll be a while thing if I dont. Will try and see if ds can help me at the other end maybe. If not, i will just do my best and hope the workers might help. If not I will just drive it back and do it Saturday with other dc help.

Show quote history

It’ll be a “whole thing” if you don’t? So you mean he will mistreat you if you don’t do what he says? Imagine if one of your DC were in a relationship where it was easier to do something they didn’t want to do than deal with the consequences. What would your advice be to them?

Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 10:29

Meraas · 18/07/2022 10:20

I suspect people are trying to go this morning before the real heat starts?
Gonna go, tbh it'll be a while thing if I dont. Will try and see if ds can help me at the other end maybe. If not, i will just do my best and hope the workers might help. If not I will just drive it back and do it Saturday with other dc help.

Give me strength, seriously? Are you a martyr?

No, just trying to minimize the arguments? Make life just that little bit easier.
And for the person who asks, yes, he drinks. He is an alcoholic.
I cannot leave due to lack of finances.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 18/07/2022 10:29

You can leave. You should leave. You deserve more than this.

GreenManalishi · 18/07/2022 10:42

You shouldn't have to try to minimize arguments, or make your life that bit easier and spend your time not poking the bear for fear or recrimination. The tip run is not your question, the questions is should you continue to walk on eggshells appeasing your alcoholic abusive husband so he doesn't lose it, and should your children have to witness this and do the same? Or is it time to do something about it?

You can get help and support to work out what your options are from Women's Aid, they have a great chat service, really easy to use here's a link

Mememene · 18/07/2022 10:52

TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 10:29

No, just trying to minimize the arguments? Make life just that little bit easier.
And for the person who asks, yes, he drinks. He is an alcoholic.
I cannot leave due to lack of finances.

Show quote history

You can't live like this, it won't get any better. If you work out what he is spending on drink would you be any worse off?

Is there really no way you could leave him, the children are seeing his appalling behaviour, it make sense now. He won't go to the tip with you because he's hanging. His behaviour is disgusting, not only sending you nasty texts last night but his apology is meaningless as he's ordering you about this morning.

An apology isn't words it's deeds. Please for your own sake see if you can find a plan to get away, even to a smaller house, whatever it takes.

It doesnt sound to me if he is ready to accept he has a drink problem, he's still blaming you for everything. It will drag you down, unless you are superwoman.

I'd call Alnon and get to some meetings, meet other people who are going through and have been through what you are going through now.

The tip isn't the problem, nor the pizza or the plates, that's all to do with his alcoholism and unless he wants to change, it will only get worse.

Lovelycheese · 18/07/2022 10:57

Meraas · 18/07/2022 10:05

I really hate it when the first post is such bad advice.

Show quote history

Tbf she hadn't revealed quite what a knob he was in the op! Me and DP do favours for each other all the time. Normal here

Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 11:22

He knows he has a drink problem. He is trying to book into a detox. We are awaiting dates for this.

Apparently i escalate things. Like last night, apparently it was fine for him to say to dc they are his pizza, ok that was my fault as I misremembered. But I apologised? It should have been okay no worries no harm done, I will eat something else. But it was all look what you caused etc.

And when unexplained inwas just asking for help he said I should appreciate everything he has done for me over the last 20 years ok but I cant lift this? Ask dc. So I said ok is that it then, you arent helping ever now, cos you have helped previously ad that what it sounds like? He said I was escalating. I just want to know where I stand?

OP posts:
Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 11:23

He then text me.. can you honestly not see a pattern?

Pattern being, I called the police on him. I escalated last night. I escalated today. All my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 11:24

And when I said I wasnt going to do a second run if I had to go to the fur

OP posts:
Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 11:25

Ther out town, I got told I was being ridiculous.

Of course, it is more than one trip as bikes have now been added to the pile.
Luckily the closest town was open so I have done one trip already.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipTopTurvy · 18/07/2022 11:29

He is traumatised by being arrested. 24 hrs ina cell with no ciggy or alcohol. They had to give him meds due to withdrawal.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 18/07/2022 12:13

He's an abusive, alcoholic arse! Please look into how you can best get yourself in a position to leave this man

Iheartmysmart · 18/07/2022 12:19

Is there anything that needs to go to the tip that’s big enough to put him in….🤔

Ragruggers · 18/07/2022 12:23

Please at least plan to leave this awful man.You can do it your life is worth so much more.Good luck and take back control before it is too late are Takecare of your self.you renting or own,does he work?Where does the money come for for alcohol?Do you want to stay with him?

Phrenologistsfinger · 18/07/2022 12:30

I’d forget the furniture and take HIM to the tip tbh OP.