AIBU to expect DH to have tomorrow off work to look after DD due to covid.

[Wonderingmum77]

Last week my husband was Unwell all week. We put it down to hayfever.

Last night our DD (14weeks) had a temperature

this morning I work up feeling horrendous. DD still has temp. I done covid test and confirmed I have covid. Presuming DD does too.

all day I’ve been feeling worse and worse. Husband said that he’ll stay off work tomorrow but then was shitty. When I agreed he said “well that makes things difficult”. I really appreciate it makes life difficult but I genuinely don’t think I can look after DD. Family members can’t either look after DD as they care for older family members and can’t risk passing on COVID from DD.

Husband has been so shitty with me all evening for asking him not to work tomorrow?? DD isn’t herself, but is drinking and having wet nappies. Just has a temp and v moany.

i tried to feed DD today (FF) and we were both SO sweaty it wasn’t comfortable for either of us.

DH has made comments about how I’m being dramatic and need to pull myself together. I have temp of 40. Am vomiting and are very unwell.

DH has moaned how he’s going to get no sleep tonight? I do all the night feeds with DD as DH works, I do sympathise that DD is unwell but I genuinely look after our daughter rain or shine (well for 14 weeks)

DH said DD is going to get unwell more than this and I can’t expect him to drop everything each time. I do agree, but I honestly feel worse than any illness before?

AIBU to expect DH to have tomorrow (possibly Tuesday as well) off work to look after DD due to covid. Or shall I just ask DH to do night feeds so I can sleep & then look after DD tomorrow

You will get a load of posters saying that they looked after 3 kids and 2 dogs for 2 weeks on their own with 2 broken legs, V&D and a migraine.

But I know in that position, my husband would take time off (from his office type job, may be different if he was say a teacher in GCSEs or a surgeon or something)
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The way I see it -
Your job is to look after your kids. If you were doing any other job would you just carry on? Would your husband carry on feeling this bad?

If you had paid childcare and they were ill with covid youd have to take emergency time off

Hmm this is tricky and depends on many factors.
a good start is for him to do the night feeds tonight and you get to bed asap with fluids and paracetamol.
usually dh and I would consider if the sick person could manage for the shortest day possible. The non-sick person would prepare things such as feeds, nappies, food for the sick person before they left for work. If I was the one going to work I would mention to my manager in a low key way that child and dh were unwell at home. Establish that I had to leave on time and discuss if there was any way of perhaps claiming some time owed or work through some of lunch to enable me to get home soon.
lots of variables - can your dh work part or whole day from home? How accommodating is his employer? We usually try and make it work as you never know if there is a situation round the corner where you absolutely can’t go to work, so if there is the slightest chance he can go and you can manage safely, imo that is what should happen.

Your husband is a prick and needs to step up

So it's okay for him to have a week off work because he's I'll but he doesn't think you should have.a day or two off work (assuming you're on maternity leave so your work is keeping your child alive)?!

Why does he think it's one rule for him and another for you?

Yes he will have to take family leave or annual leave but if you need help you need help!

Also IME if a working parent is seen to be making an effort then it is looked upon more favourably when you really do have to take time off. But of course depends on the job - I’m in NHS urgent care and it really impacts on colleagues and patients if one of us is off.

This

Did he go to work when he was unwell?

YADNBU!

If you're not well enough to look after her, then he will have to.

Most you can say is that you'll see how you feel in the morning.

I would definitely expect him to be doing the night wakings for the next few nights.

It would be better if he can have tomorrow off, but equally, at 14w, your baby is thankfully immobile, and can be cared for lying next to you, which makes it easier to juggle feeling ill and parenting, than the next few years.

My husband took time off when I recently had Covid, and we had a 3 and 5yo (also with Covid). I would not have been able to deal with them both but at a push I could have managed with just a baby if I had to. It would have been hard though.

Is he a surgeon with a life saving surgery scheduled in for tomorrow? Or does he have a bog standard low effort job which so many of these men tend to do?

of course this is not tricky. You’ve got COVID and sounds like you’re going to be badly effected by it.

he’s a dick.

Did he get to take all week off of his job when he was unwell?

If so, I can see why he feels he needs to get back, but it’s also unfair double standards. If he was allowed a break to recover then you deserve the same.

He needs to step up.

You’re ill and need to rest.

If he’s been off sick all week because he’s ill and is now saying he can’t take more time off so that you can have similar time to recover then that is the ultimate in shitty.

Have you taken medication to bring your temperature down? That’s probably the reason you feel so unwell. I’d get him to do the night wakings tonight and then take over tomorrow so he can go to work. If he doesn’t usually do it one night of broken sleep will be fine..

I think YABU. If he’s been off all week he probably feels like he needs to go back. Your DD is only 14 weeks old so not like she will need constantly entertaining etc. it’s an easy age to manage.
I think you should ask him to do the night feeds though.

DH said DD is going to get unwell more than this and I can’t expect him to drop everything each time

He's missing the point that you are poorly and it will be extremely challenging to look after your DD. Also he should take his turn looking after her when poorly in the future, appreciate whilst you're off work if you were well you'd look after her I expect, but his attitude stinks. No one likes taking time off work for this I'd have thought as it can be challenging, but part of being a parent and a decent supportive partner.

100% disagree about 14 weeks being easy! I would take a toddler i could put infront of the tv over a baby who will get bored after 5 minutes on their mat, then bouncer, then mat again ad infinitum.

Plus if they are rolling it's a fucking nightmare. And ill, so probably massively grumpy too.

And it will be HOT which is the worst with a fever.

As pp said - if it was a normal job, you'd take time off sick. I guarantee if the roles were reversed he would be expecting you to stay home.

Some dhs are terrible. YADNBU

Ignore any shityness. Decision is made. You're ill. Did is ill, DH needs to take in day off to see you both through.

It's him that needs to wise up to the fact that being a parent means when kids are ill, they might have to take time off.

Don't set the tone by caving to his petty shite. He needs to do this and will need to do it again. And again, and again.

Hope you feel better soon.

We had one incident where Dh was sick and had 3 days where he only went between bed and the bath. After I’d had the same thing and … looked after the baby, done all the night wakings every few hours etc. it took him a while to genuinely understand I thought that this was a deal breaker for our marriage and if this was him then I had no intention of growing old with him and had to leave now while I had years of young healthy life ahead of me rather than waste it wiht him. He’s quite different now. Your dh is an asshole. Spell it out for him. That he is being left solo wiht the dc every time he is ever unwell now because if it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for him, and you will not be in a marriage where he is special and gets to rest when he needs it but no one ever looks after you. Why would you?

YANBU. Let him sulk.

I had covid for the first time last week and DP had to stay home Wed-Fri and juggle WFH and looking after DD(21 months).

I don't know what my temp was but I had horrendous fever/chills for 2 days, I soaked through my pjs/bedsheets countless times. I couldn't even roll over in bed without it feeling like I'd just smashed my head in to a brick wall.

He wasn't impressed, had to cancel loads of meetings and made sure I knew about it. I couldn't have cared less.

I was over the worst by the Monday but I am still getting the headache of an evening and having at least 1 nap a day due to the fatigue.

Its not easy, but you can be mostly bed/sofa based. You can place them on a playmat to roll. Your aren't chasing them round the garden, answering a million 'why' questions, and they generally have several naps a day, where even if they are on you, so you can't sleep, you can still sit and physically rest.

Its not chasing them round from 7-7 with zero breaks (save for as much tv as them let you get away with). No climbing on you. No tantrums because you don't feel well enough to be mummy horsey, or take them to the park.

Being ill with kids is utterly shit regardless of the age, but babies often have you pinned to the sofa at the best of times, at least that's helpful when you're ill.

Regardless this dad should be taking time off unless he really really can't!

He shouldn’t have suggested it if he didn’t want you to agree. That’s very twatty behaviour. He should have been doing all the baby care today because you’re obviously ill, why hasn’t he?

YADNBU. I remember back when DC3 was a tiny baby, I'd had a CS - then caught shingles, and developed a dental abcess. DH had just started in a new job, and was cagey about taking time off.
Thing was, I also had a 12yo and a 21 month old, and I felt like death.
Not meaning to be dramatic, but DC3 is now a teen, and I've not forgotten how unsupported I felt at that time. It was horrible.

Over the years, I have insisted that he take his turn on sick days, and that's been non-negotiable for me. To be fair, he's stepped up on that - but only once I was back at work myself.
Being really unwell as a SAHM is just awful. You're expected to just rally and get on with it, and it's not fair.

I've been ill and have looked after our DC when feeling very rough. However, when I had Covid I could hardly look after myself let alone anyone else.

Your DH needs to look after your DD. He needs to let his work know that you're very poorly with Covid and he needs to take a couple of days of emergency leave.

Surely by now employers understand that Covid can be an extremely nasty illness for a lot people and there needs to be some flexibility.

It's not that long since your DH would have had to be off work isolating for 10 days because you have Covid. Taking a couple of days off because you are ill isn't very much to ask.