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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to have tomorrow off work to look after DD due to covid.

62 replies

Wonderingmum77 · 17/07/2022 22:25

Last week my husband was Unwell all week. We put it down to hayfever.

Last night our DD (14weeks) had a temperature

this morning I work up feeling horrendous. DD still has temp. I done covid test and confirmed I have covid. Presuming DD does too.

all day I’ve been feeling worse and worse. Husband said that he’ll stay off work tomorrow but then was shitty. When I agreed he said “well that makes things difficult”. I really appreciate it makes life difficult but I genuinely don’t think I can look after DD. Family members can’t either look after DD as they care for older family members and can’t risk passing on COVID from DD.

Husband has been so shitty with me all evening for asking him not to work tomorrow?? DD isn’t herself, but is drinking and having wet nappies. Just has a temp and v moany.

i tried to feed DD today (FF) and we were both SO sweaty it wasn’t comfortable for either of us.

DH has made comments about how I’m being dramatic and need to pull myself together. I have temp of 40. Am vomiting and are very unwell.

DH has moaned how he’s going to get no sleep tonight? I do all the night feeds with DD as DH works, I do sympathise that DD is unwell but I genuinely look after our daughter rain or shine (well for 14 weeks)

DH said DD is going to get unwell more than this and I can’t expect him to drop everything each time. I do agree, but I honestly feel worse than any illness before?

AIBU to expect DH to have tomorrow (possibly Tuesday as well) off work to look after DD due to covid. Or shall I just ask DH to do night feeds so I can sleep & then look after DD tomorrow

OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 17/07/2022 23:37

YANBU, you’re clearly not well enough to look after a baby. Childcare is always going to be an issue, your DH needs to get used to that.

cadburyegg · 17/07/2022 23:38

Your DH was off sick due to hay fever and yet can't see why you need a day or two to rest with a temperature of 40?!

He needs to step up.

This is one reason of many why my marriage to my kids dad failed. He'd come home sick with a headache but he'd never take a day off to stay at home if I was unwell. He was far too important for that (he wasn't Hmm)

My kids are 4 and 7 and only in the last few months have I not needed to call in help for if I'm ill. I had covid and was still able to look after them ok. Before this I really struggled as they were so demanding. And babies are the most demanding.

Musti · 18/07/2022 02:33

It’s really really really difficult to look after a baby when you’re sick. When they’re older that they can grab a snack and entertain themselves ok, but a baby that needs constant attention is super difficult.

he should absolutely take time off until you feel ok.

my ex worked away a lot so I did have to look after my kids whilst I was a ill. Luckily I was rarely ill but once I was in agony with toothache that my friend had to come and look after my kids and another time I was so ill with a stomach bug that I couldn’t stand up. I was so weak that I literally had to crawl to the bathroom.

and covid strikes people differently. Ranges from people being unaware to being hospitalised and still be affected a year later. Also in my experience, if you don’t take time to recover, it lasts longer. Hopefully you’ll start feeling better after a few days but he needs to take whatever time off to look after his child and wife!

JustHarriet · 18/07/2022 02:56

Sick leave from work is meant to be used to cover support for sick family members, that is what it is there for.

If he sick, he gets leave - so if you get sick, you get leave. That is basic fairness and basic decency, and you need to insist on basic decency and fairness at a minimum. The bench mark of a good husband and father would be actively supportive and caring and hopefully he will get there in the future, but at this point you simply need to insist he does the decent thing and if he needs to sulk, so be it. Hopefully he'll get over himself quickly. It is not your job to manage his feelings but it is your job to demand basic decency and fairness in your relationship.

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/07/2022 03:35

If you were going to work, and he was at home vomiting, temperature and as unwell as you describe would he be willing to look after DC all by himself? Or would he expect you to call in sick and stay home to help out?

The answer to that tells you what he should be doing tomorrow.

In our house, there's no question that the well person would call in sick.

You're not just a bit sniffly, you're throwing up, have a temperature AND it's going to be roasting hot. Add to that is the fact that you have a very young baby who will need regular feeding, supervising etc - and who may well be extra grizzly if she's feeling unwell in this heat.

I'd be FURIOUS with my DP if he expected me to handle all of that unless there was a very good reason why ringing in sick wasn't possible.

I hope you and DD feel much better soon.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2022 03:48

Somuchgoo · 17/07/2022 23:23

Its not easy, but you can be mostly bed/sofa based. You can place them on a playmat to roll. Your aren't chasing them round the garden, answering a million 'why' questions, and they generally have several naps a day, where even if they are on you, so you can't sleep, you can still sit and physically rest.

Its not chasing them round from 7-7 with zero breaks (save for as much tv as them let you get away with). No climbing on you. No tantrums because you don't feel well enough to be mummy horsey, or take them to the park.

Being ill with kids is utterly shit regardless of the age, but babies often have you pinned to the sofa at the best of times, at least that's helpful when you're ill.

Regardless this dad should be taking time off unless he really really can't!

Show quote history

Totally disagree. Older Dc can be sat in front of the tv . Babies don’t always nap and often aren’t happy if you aren’t walking around. Mine poo all the time and you must get up and change them even if getting up makes you puke.

Mammyloveswine · 18/07/2022 03:50

Men are such dicks!! I had an abscess in my breast when ds1 was 6 weeks old... I was hospitalised for a week and had ds with me in hospital because "d"h wouldn't take time off work... I've never forgiven him!

junebirthdaygirl · 18/07/2022 04:42

First time l had Covid l could not have taken care of any child, young or old. I was totally flattened. Could barely walk to the bathroom. Second time l could have done it as, with painkillers l was mobile and had some energy. Sounds like you are the first scenario..you nearly need someone there to take care of you not to talk about a tiny baby . He needs to stay home.

Glitternails1 · 18/07/2022 04:42

So your dh took a week off work because he had hay fever but won’t look after his 14 week old baby who has a temperature? Is he always this weak, pathetic and selfish?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 18/07/2022 04:59

Well it probably wasn't hay fever was it... did he go into work?

Yanbu I was really ill when the dc were 6 months and 2.5 years and dp wouldn't take time off. Baby was grumpy and constantly wanting to bf . By the time he got home I was so ill and dehydrated I couldn't think straight. I still think what a twat and dc are 11 and 9 now and we've been separated 5 years

MarshaMelrose · 18/07/2022 05:08

Maybe if he just took a week off, he doesn't want to take more time off as he feels like he's swinging the lead?

autienotnaughty · 18/07/2022 05:56

Your child is both parents responsibility what happens if you return to work and your child gets ill? (Which happens loads) it can't be on you all the time.

Ontomatopea · 18/07/2022 06:04

Ask him just how ill it is you need to be before he steps up?

leftistbimbo · 18/07/2022 06:09

YANBU at all!! When I had covid I was stuck in bed for days as I just felt so physically weak, and that was without the vomiting and the heatwave. He needs to stay off to look after HIS child and equally look after you! If my partner was this unwell during this heat I’d be very worried and would want to keep an eye. He is so cruel to treat you like this when you’re so unwell.

TooHotToTangoToo · 18/07/2022 06:31

It's not clear, but did your dh go to work last week? The only reason I ask is if he didn't and takes another day off today, I can understand why he might be a bit reluctant to take today day off. That said him being shitty with you isn't on regardless.

Aprilx · 18/07/2022 06:33

JustHarriet · 18/07/2022 02:56

Sick leave from work is meant to be used to cover support for sick family members, that is what it is there for.

If he sick, he gets leave - so if you get sick, you get leave. That is basic fairness and basic decency, and you need to insist on basic decency and fairness at a minimum. The bench mark of a good husband and father would be actively supportive and caring and hopefully he will get there in the future, but at this point you simply need to insist he does the decent thing and if he needs to sulk, so be it. Hopefully he'll get over himself quickly. It is not your job to manage his feelings but it is your job to demand basic decency and fairness in your relationship.

Sick leave most definitely is not intended to cover sick leave for dependents, where on earth did you get that idea from! Sick leave is for yourself. There is carer leave for dependents, although this is supposed to be used in order to line up other care, not to stay off with sick patient, although for a day or two that would seem reasonable. Otherwise annual leave or unpaid leave might need to be used, if the employer was a stickler that way.

OP I find your question unanswerable, because it really does depend on how ill you are.

Teacupsandtoast · 18/07/2022 06:43

OP - unless he's a brain surgeon or a long distance lorry driver, he can get up during the night to do a feed....dont let him off with the 'he works so cant get up' bullshit.

oobeedoobee · 18/07/2022 07:17

He must take time off work to care for HIS DC, because there is no other childcare available !

And it wouldn't be 'sick leave' he tells work he needs, it's CARERS/PARENTAL leave ffs !

Because he is a bloody parent ! (And the other parent is too unwell to 'parent' at the moment !) So tough shit on him, he's just going to have to 'step up' and tell his work the situation.

ColdCottage · 18/07/2022 07:26

You are really unwell
By the sounds of it. It wouldn't be safe for you to try and look after a small baby at the same time.

He needs to look after your child. I'd also say he needs to look after you too.

He is being unreasonable.

LoneParent1 · 18/07/2022 07:41

44PumpLane · 17/07/2022 22:33

So it's okay for him to have a week off work because he's I'll but he doesn't think you should have.a day or two off work (assuming you're on maternity leave so your work is keeping your child alive)?!

Why does he think it's one rule for him and another for you?

Yes he will have to take family leave or annual leave but if you need help you need help!

The op didn't say that. Many people go to work all week feeling shitty!

LoneParent1 · 18/07/2022 07:45

@Wonderingmum77
You're vomiting etc, that's not great, but luckily with such a young baby who's really only going to need feeding and changing, the amount you really have to do whilst ill is minimal. It would be very different if the child was a toddler.

I have managed illness myself alone, millions of parents do. Yes in an ideal world if you were seriously ill he should take time off work. But at this point you're simply a tad poorly. Leave that sort of leave for those occasions and hope that you never need it.

An employee with a child and the other partner is a sahp will be looked down on by employees if not attending work for such reasons in my experience.

YellowPlumbob · 18/07/2022 07:47

You have a temp of 40, that is seizure territory and you should not be left alone with a baby.

I had Norovirus, which gave me a temp of 40.2. I made a garbled phone call to my sister who didn’t understand a word, so she came dashing round. Took one look at me (single parent, 12 month old baby), called our other sister. One took DD, one sat with me waiting for 111 call back, I ended up in A&E on multiple drips.

Fevers like that are not to be fucked with.

YellowPlumbob · 18/07/2022 07:50

PS - that’s the only time in 14 years of single parenting I’ve had to call in help. Infected wisdom tooth, ear infection so bad it was bleeding and I couldn’t hear or stand up, other D&V bugs, numerous other illnesses.

But a temp of 40 is a serious thing and you need another set of adult eyes on you, let alone the baby, who you could easily accidentally hurt if you become delirious like I did!

Ohhhhladz · 18/07/2022 07:58

Husband said that he’ll stay off work tomorrow but then was shitty. When I agreed he said “well that makes things difficult”. I really appreciate it makes life difficult but I genuinely don’t think I can look after DD...

Why did he offer to stay home if he didn't mean to and wasn't prepared to do? Why is he being an arse to you when you're sick and least able to cope with it?

Regardless, you both have equal and primary responsibility for your daughter. If you normally take care of her during the day and know you can't today, then of course it's a change in his routine and perhaps an inconvenience, but it's unquestionably his responsibility. He's already been exposed, so it also just makes the most sense rather than trying to find someone else to watch her.

His work will live without him for a few days, almost certainly! 🙄If he really were indispensible, you'd likely know it, and not just from him telling you.

CredibilityProblem · 18/07/2022 08:05

He's right that your DC will be ill many many more times over the next ten years. But that's not the problem, the problem is that you are too ill to care for them, which is much rarer. Baby being ill is only relevant because it stops you calling in family help.

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