For those who comment on posts that maintenance must be spent on the children

[WeeHaggisFace]

I'm going to try to dispel this notion that people have about child maintenance and how it should be spent, first I'll tell you what I've previously spent mine on.

Getting my hair and nails done. Paying for a holiday, spending money on holiday. A night away with friends/husband. Wine. My dogs. Nice socks, some clothes for me. My car. Savings. Basically the "nice to haves".

Time and time again I see posts when someone mentions that they do similar met with how very dare you, that money is for the children. Every penny should go on the children, what about the children comments.

My ex is currently paying 10 years worth of arrears. Please read that again, he did not pay a penny for 10 years and also hasn't seen her. I pay for my child, clothes, Christmas and birthday gifts, furniture, toys, school trips, childcare. Not to mention actually putting a roof over our head and ensuring she's fed and has a heated home etc.

I spend more than his standard monthly payment in her chosen sports clubs fees. I deliberately ring-fence that money in a different account for the nice to haves simply because it cannot be relied upon. Mine and my husbands salaries can be so we pay for everything for our children, and yes my eldest child is included in the "our" because he is her Dad as far as she is concerned and vice versa.

I actually seethe when someone spouts some what about the children shite. Some people do unfortunately have to rely on their shitty ex's measly and often sporadic payments and I bet you it throws them through a loop they shouldn't have to jump each and every time it's missed. I'm fortunate enough now (because there was a time I was on the breadline and really could have used that money for the basics) that I don't have to rely on it so I won't pretend that he's making any meaningful contribution to her life.

We will set up our kids with equal financial help/support when they are older. Will I fuck be beholden to some idiot who's fatherhood journey expired within weeks of her being born.

Please, next time you read about someone spending maintenance on something other than the kids, think about why. Think about how. In my experience, those children aren't going without a thing. It's the parent who went without and tried their best. If even one person reads this and thinks twice about making a nasty comment to someone then I'll be glad. If not at least my little mumsnet rant has made me feel a bit better 😆

Happy Saturday 🍷 (cheers with wine bought from my maintenance account)

Time and time again I see posts when someone mentions that they do similar met with how very dare you, that money is for the children.
I have literally never seen this on MN. Who are you arguing with?!

Literally never seen that school of thought.

It doesn’t even really make sense anyway, you could just as easily frame is as the maintenance going towards bus pass, lunches, activities, clothes etc. You aren’t really spending the maintenance on nails and long weekends away with your husband. There are all just outgoings you chose to have, with various methods of ‘income’ one of which being the maintenance payment. Seems unnecessarily inflammatory to claim it doesn’t get spent on your child .

Good for you!

And it might surprise you I say that as a SM (whose DH has diligently overpaid CMS payments to the tune of £1k pm).

I agree it's not money to be spent solely on the children, it's about facilitating a lifestyle that reflects the income of both parents.

If you were getting your nails done but not buying food, that's a different matter of course or choosing not to work at all and not meeting the financial needs of your child, but beyond that it's "family money" imho.

I've never begrudged a penny DH pays in maintenance because imho it makes him a decent person who cares about his child and the mother of his child.

How she spends that money (knowing she's a great mother and would always see her child's need met first) I don't give a toss if some goes on things that make her life better such as beauty treatments, holidays etc etc

Frankly I spend "family" money on myself and see no reason why she shouldn't either.

Also never seen a post like that before. If you get sat £200pm maintenance and spend £200pm on DC hobbies then surely you could say you are spending the maintenance on the hobbies? Only problem would be if your DC did not have a winter coat and you were jetting off to the Caribbean. When I have seen similar threads it's about child benefit. Well done for getting the arrrears back though.

There have been hundreds of threads over the last 12 years. I last saw a post yesterday saying something along the line of "you shouldn't be spending maintenance on X item".

Today I've read a comment which stated the ex wife spends maintenance money on going out all the time.

It's rife on certain boards here and I'd say alot of lone parents on MN would confirm this.

I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to offer a snippet of reality from one person who had previously been accused of misspending maintenance.

I think as long as the children have everything they need then does it really matter if the £40 for someone’s nails/holiday/car etc came out of the CM or money from else where?

Time and time again I see posts when someone mentions that they do similar met with how very dare you, that money is for the children.
I have literally never seen this on MN. Who are you arguing with?!

I’ve seen it before, both on MN/social media and IRL

If your ex didn’t pay for 10 years and is now paying that money back, you’re not really spending maintenance on yourself… you’re just being repaid for money you’ve already spent over the years.

Regardless, I don’t think anyone really complains about what maintenance is spent on as long as the children aren’t being neglected as a result.

It's nice to see another side of MN who understands that technically it's one pot because honestly the comments are all over certain threads.

I wouldn't frame at as spending it on x activity because I don't. The maintenance money goes into an entirely separate account which is solely used for the nice to haves.

Well no, hasn't she already said that doesn't ring fence it for those things as they're essentials for her child, and the money from her ex can't be relied upon.

I see 100% where her train of thought is from. She is making sure the needs of her children are met, the child's father (I'm assuming) refused and avoiding contributing for 10 years of the child's life, so is doing so reluctantly now. I imagine he's not too happy about it, if he's paying arrears. Men throwing their kids a few quid and thinking that makes them a father is a way of life for many unfortunately. I think OP is just right in seeing the money as separate. He has a legal right to pay, but his daughter does not need him as her mother will make sure she has what she needs. But why should he then get away with not paying. He shouldn't. So the money is there for non essentials, I'd say OP knows the track record and knows it could stop at any time.

Also very shocked some are saying they've never seen comments like this, I've seen loads. Both here and on SM.

BreadInCaptivity

You both sound like good people who have the right interest at heart.

It’s all just money going in to the household pot. As long as the children have what they need, it doesn’t matter which bit of money paid for what.

My husband’s aunt spent the maintenance on holidays for her and her new husband.

(By the time the CMS actually caught up with her ex and got the maintenance paid the “children” were in their 30s!)

Agree - I've never seen it.

Indeed the thing I see most often is advice on how best to tell an ex (who is trying to control how money is spent) to sod off

Good for her. I hope they had a ball 😊

Never seen this, maybe I’m looking at the wrong boards? Maybe you can link to all these threads?

Can't believe people haven't seen this

I see it all the time

Just yesterday 'I hope you're not spending That money on getting your nails done...'

Several times a week I see this and I'm not even on the step parent boards

I think they have a point. If you have managed without it then when it arrives it should be for the children’s current needs, or saved for their future.

You have your own money for your nails and booze.

There was one the other day where op was wondering whether to claim maintenance or not so she could get nice things and was told it was for the child not her or to put it all into savings for the dc. It wasn't one post either there were a few.

Well you don't have your own money for nails and booze if it's all going on the kids do you?

I’ve said on several threads when challenged about what I spend CSM on that it blows my mind that his £500 apparently covers my roof over my head, all my bills, getting hair, nails, Botox done, buying me new clothes, my car obviously not to mention gym, tennis lessons and my boyfriends expenses as well and yet he can’t live on £2 1/2 grand, isn’t it funny ?
i’m not sure what happens to my salary to be honest with you since he’s been generous enough to cover everything. I presume mines in a pot somewhere I’ll find one day. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow 🌈

I see it all the time. 99% is from men(or their new wife/gf) that barely pay anyways and they think the paltry sum they pay is enough for everything a child might need.

The other 1% are genuine complaints that are more about the fact that the children don't have their needs met .

I don't think there are many people that receive extra money for their kids(maintenance,DLA, child benefit etc) that make sure it is always kept separate and only spent on the children,rather than a family pot. It's ridiculous to expect that anyways,even more so if the resident parent is struggling to begin with.

I literally don’t care if the mother wipes her arse with the money it’s hers and it’s entirely her decision what she does with it.

But it’s not, the OP is getting the maintenance now.

I know that she just wants everyone to say “you’re so right hun, you deserve it.” but I don’t agree.

Ah I remember when my friend had the audacity to leave her husband. He thought they should sit down and go through her bank statements together and she was to cut out what he deemed to be unnecessary spending. If there was a shortfall he would contribute towards his two children's expenses- but if she was doing things like having her nails/hair done, buying clothes for herself, drinking any alcohol or smoking then she had to stop it immediately. Prick. She was actually considering it too until I gave her a shake and she went to CMS. Still a tight bastard to this day which the kids 100% realise now they are adults.