For those who comment on posts that maintenance must be spent on the children

[WeeHaggisFace]

I'm going to try to dispel this notion that people have about child maintenance and how it should be spent, first I'll tell you what I've previously spent mine on.

Getting my hair and nails done. Paying for a holiday, spending money on holiday. A night away with friends/husband. Wine. My dogs. Nice socks, some clothes for me. My car. Savings. Basically the "nice to haves".

Time and time again I see posts when someone mentions that they do similar met with how very dare you, that money is for the children. Every penny should go on the children, what about the children comments.

My ex is currently paying 10 years worth of arrears. Please read that again, he did not pay a penny for 10 years and also hasn't seen her. I pay for my child, clothes, Christmas and birthday gifts, furniture, toys, school trips, childcare. Not to mention actually putting a roof over our head and ensuring she's fed and has a heated home etc.

I spend more than his standard monthly payment in her chosen sports clubs fees. I deliberately ring-fence that money in a different account for the nice to haves simply because it cannot be relied upon. Mine and my husbands salaries can be so we pay for everything for our children, and yes my eldest child is included in the "our" because he is her Dad as far as she is concerned and vice versa.

I actually seethe when someone spouts some what about the children shite. Some people do unfortunately have to rely on their shitty ex's measly and often sporadic payments and I bet you it throws them through a loop they shouldn't have to jump each and every time it's missed. I'm fortunate enough now (because there was a time I was on the breadline and really could have used that money for the basics) that I don't have to rely on it so I won't pretend that he's making any meaningful contribution to her life.

We will set up our kids with equal financial help/support when they are older. Will I fuck be beholden to some idiot who's fatherhood journey expired within weeks of her being born.

Please, next time you read about someone spending maintenance on something other than the kids, think about why. Think about how. In my experience, those children aren't going without a thing. It's the parent who went without and tried their best. If even one person reads this and thinks twice about making a nasty comment to someone then I'll be glad. If not at least my little mumsnet rant has made me feel a bit better 😆

Happy Saturday 🍷 (cheers with wine bought from my maintenance account)

The pitiful amount my ex pays I am just putting aside for them when they're older. My ex was similar to the one above who once put in some response to a solicitors letter that he could tell from the bins that I'd been spending frivolous money on a weekly ready meal from M&S.

My solicitor was a pro at a straight face.

I know a friend in similar circumstance.

Never married, however they sold the house they both paid equal mortgage amounts on. She got half, he got half.

He doesn't pay a penny towards his kids, just point blank refuses and she hasn't the energy to fight him, but anytime she goes on holiday etc he messages her calling her all sorts, to say she's spending "his" money on herself and the money from her half of the house should be solely for the kids. He genuinely sees her money as for the kids, and his money for himself. It's bizarre people can be like that.

Oh it does because I can't rely on that money.

It would be OK if I said, his money pays for x activity and I use my own money for nails, hair, wine? Or would it not? Because I scraped by, and I mean scraped by I always should and save that money?

No thank you, I'm not a martyr.

I'm glad you gave your friend a shake mrsfollowill I hope she's happy

Onlyforcake would he have preferred Lidl? What an arse! Hope your solicitor gave him a stripping down 🙄

As far as I'm concerned any maintenance goes into the budget fir everything like bills, food, clothes, mortgage, treats and so on, if you earn enough to do all that and have extras for you then that's just fine! You don't become a nun, but the child should get everything they need too and so should you

... posted too soon ... if you afford extras then good for you, but your ex doesn't get to give you less just because you have more money than for the basics alone

@WeeHaggisFace She is blissfully happy and married to DH no 2 who is a great guy and has truthfully been a better Dad to her boys than the ex ever was!
One of the (many) reasons she left was because of how tight with money he was- imagine Scrooge counting his (lots of) money while alone in a bare house- that is what he is like! Life is for living - no point dying with £1m in the bank as seems to be his aim

What annoys me when the child doesn’t get the clubs etc and the mum has everything .

so what if you get your nails done you could say that you are using your own money for that and spending maintenance on child .

My sister use to spend hers on her Monthly take away, he use to only pay £30 a month, can’t buy anything for a child with that it’s pennies so she saw it as her monthly thank you, she paid for everything her son needed.

Also never seen this here.

It just shows the absurdity of it all, doesn't it? Especially when some men pay less than a set of nails anyways,if at all.

Well this. I don’t really understand the point. Isn’t it like saying “I spend the money I earn for working on Mondays on x, I spend Tuesday income on y..” It doesn’t make sense.

It’s all income and all of it - spending on food, mortgage/ rent, bills, children’s clothes and swimming lessons and haircuts and extra treats for the parents just comes out of it.

mrsfollowill

I'm so glad she's happy. I do sometimes wonder what these mens death beds look like. They must have so many regrets. As the saying goes, you can't take it with you.

I know it's a bit morbid but I nearly died a couple of years ago and the only thing in my head was that if my ex ever tried to take DD1 that my husband and family had to fight him tooth and nail. The reality is he wouldn't even attempt as it would interrupt his lifestyle too much but when my husband and parents said that of course they would I was actually OK with what we all at that time thought was inevitable.

It never fails to amaze me the amount of parents that will just walk away.

While the alternative is that dad can sail off into the sunset, with his advancing career and pay scale, living the high life with a new GF, seeing kids at the weekend, while mum, by virtue of being the resident parent, often loses out on work opportunities, makes lower pension contributions, has less social life, higher energy bills, wrap around care costs, kit/uniform to buy, clubs and school trips. Then there's the extra house work, the taxi-ing around, homework supervision, time off work to take them to the orthodontist etc, but all of this has to come out of her resources (time and money) and she isn't allowed to have nice things for herself, a night out, holiday or put money into savings without dad grumbling that she gets too much maintenance or stop-starting the payments, paying late or deducting the cost of some lavish Disney-dad Christmas present. I have so many friends in this situation. It's like some kind of penance for expecting a life beyond your children.

I usually notice it when current wife/girlfriend is describing a situation where dp is paying so much money and ex has plenty of money to do her own thing.

I always think, good for her!

I think the majority who disagree can't separate the money spent on home, food, energy, clothes etc from the rp to the amount paid each month from the nr parent.

The people saying they've never seen it... maybe you will notice it now.

There are quite alot of posters saying they have and do and not just on MN. I hope if you ever do see it you call it out because when you're in that position and people say you should scrape by on the bare minimum for at least 18 years it's hard not to feel at the very start of a very endless journey.

I won't link to dead or even active threads like one poster asked me to purely because I won't highlight the thread for further bashing to those who do think that a woman bringing life into this world somehow has less of a right to something nice in life than the ex does because I know some people will have read my OP, totally disagreed and not commented because it goes against what the majority of people are saying.

Most peoples finances will all go into one account anyway so I don’t really see how you can say what money is specifically going where.

If the children have what they need and there is money left over for treats then that’s fine and it’s fine for treats for the parents to be included in that. I suppose some people may be in situations where they are paying large amounts of maintenance but whilst the resident parent is having lots of nights out or new clothes etc the children don’t seem to have what they need. In those cases I can understand the non-resident parent feeling annoyed to see the resident parent regularly treating themselves when their DC haven’t got proper fitting shoes or whatever. But I am sure those cases are in the minority.

Yes, it's bizarre how some people see money. I remember a thread once where a mum mentioned their child benefit came into a separate account from their salary and they saved it up and spent it on a hobby. Posters were frothing at the mouth about how child benefit is the child's money, and she was an awful parent, despite the fact she clearly spent way more than 20 odd quid per week on the child!

Anyway, I've seen lots of posts on mn about evil women spending the maintenance money on themselves (presumably the children are the magic sort that don't cost their mothers any money to feed/house/clothe/educate/entertain them).

I usually notice it when current wife/girlfriend is describing a situation where dp is paying so much money and ex has plenty of money to do her own thing.

I agree this is where I notice it most but hopefully it's the minority of women in this situation and we just see the most outspoken ones. I also sympathise with stepmums having a really rough time with partners offloading their responsibility onto them.

There was a thread yesterday where an OP said that her partner/husband "gave all of his A/L to his ex for childcare"

🧐🤔🧐🤔

He's giving it to his kids not his ex 🙄 if I was a NRP i would give every second I could to my children. Most people would wouldn't they?

He genuinely sees her money as for the kids, and his money for himself. It's bizarre people can be like that.

I think this is the bottom of the issue, that people (not just the ex) believe this, I didn't get maintenance and had the arrears written off, and his reasoning for not paying was 'all the money I got from the government as a single mum' conveniently ignoring the full time job I have always had that financed 90% of our lives.

When the subject came up he would tell me he wasn't financing my 'fancy' lifestyle. You know where you work your arse off to keep a roof over your heads, keep it warm and keep food in the cupboards, and then as costs decrease with the age of the child, is then spent on nice things like holidays or decoration of said house, or a laptop.

My money, that I worked for, and I don't begrudge my daughter a penny of it, nor will I going forward to ensure she can get through university, but I do actually deserve to spend some of it on me, and if the other half of the parenting equation providing 50% of the cost of the child enables that for other people, then good for them, as long as the child is getting what they need.

This idea that single parents should live in sack cloth and ashes so the ex can still have control over them is ridiculous, mysoginistic and pathetic.

I honestly couldn’t say what I spend child maintenance on. Every month I pay mortgage, bills, buy food, school dinners, school trips, pay for activities and days out, buy clothes/ shoes for some of the kids most months. I also buy pet food, put petrol in the car, pay for holidays, buy cleaning stuff, buy myself clothes maybe 3 or 4 times a year, pay for Christmas and birthdays…
XH gives me £40pcm per child. That goes in the pot. It’s not towards one item or another, it just is.

Maverickess

I think we may have spoken under a previous username of mine. Your daughter will know exactly what you've done for her when she's an adult.

I fully agree that it isn't just the ex who harbours opinions about how his ex should live. So many people seem to think that single Mum = lazy layabout when most single mums are working and try to juggle that with childcare and every other hurdle. Lots of respect from me to every single Mum doing above and beyond fwiw.

@WeeHaggisFace

I have spoken of it a lot, it's something close to my heart because of what we've both gone without and through over the years.
My daughter is an adult now (legally anyway, I feel differently 🤣) and you're right, she sees it, she's out working a lot this summer before university to contribute towards the setting up costs as well as funding her own social life independently - and she's loving doing that for herself, and knows exactly what her dad has contributed.
She's leaving him behind because they have different values, and as she's an adult and has handled the communication between them herself for several years, I think even he is starting to realise that it's his own actions, or lack of, that have led to this - I didn't need to badmouth him or 'turn her against him' (like he accused me of) he did it all himself, and what's more, my DD has told him so.

I hope you enjoy the times you get to treat yourself and take extra pleasure in the fact that he's probably thinking the money is 'his' I know I would in your situation!

I'm going back to about 2011-2015ish, the name I recall certainly has Maverick in it although not sure it was exactly the same as your current one. If it was you please know you were a huge support to me through some of the worst years of my life along with someone else with a name about socks (I remember the sock name still but seem to remember there was an issue with her being outed so won't put the full name) oddly enough I thought I spotted her yesterday also.