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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want husband to go out so much?!

54 replies

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:03

So we’ve been together 10 years, married 5…

I had DC3 3 weeks ago (planned section) and DH has decided to go out on a bender tonight with all his mates at a mutual friends large garden party. I was a bit peeved about it as he spent the whole day saying he wasn’t going. Then at 7pm decided that he was .. okay, I know I’m sounding unreasonable so far but it was pretty annoying. Especially as I would have really liked to have gone too and we could have arranged childcare for a couple of hours so that we both could have gone. But this comes after he has 1) paid for a season ticket for his football team and will go to every home match 2) planned a 4 day bender with his friends over a street festival in a town about 40 mins away from us and 3) has signed himself up for a 6 day programme over the street festival held in our village.. not including all the ‘meetings’ and prep him and his friends will need to do beforehand.

I am starting to feel quite upset by all this as he told me before DC3’s arrival that he wouldn’t be going out so much… and therefore wanted to ‘make the most’ of going out with his friends, attending all the football matches, and going to every bloody festival/event in the local vicinity ..and now I just feel tricked.

i guess I’m just wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I moved abroad (his home town/ country) after we got married and had DC1 and gave up my well paid career, house, family, friends, hobbies etc.. but I really have tried to regain my life, applied for jobs, got my horse moved over here (which was a godsend) but sadly had to PTS last September, I’ve made new friends not related to him, started my own baby group etc and just really tried to intergrate myself but he makes it hard for me, complains about having to look after the kids and just generally makes things difficult at times.

He is a lovely guy, the kids love him, he does quite a lot for them and round the house and did support me through extreme HG in the last pregnancy (although wasn’t always that understanding) so he’s not all bad.

I guess I would just like it if he maybe invited me out for once, he never asks me to join when mutual friends are having parties, doesn’t ever arrange childcare with his parents so we can go out together (not even for a meal!!) even though I’ve mentioned it often enough and I just feel quite sad really. My mum also died 2017 and I tend to find this PP phase quite hard, just wish she was here so I could at least vent to her. But I guess mumsnet it is…

so TLDR… AIBU to wish he didn’t go out so much/ at least invited me along too sometimes?

OP posts:
alphapie · 16/07/2022 20:07

What was he like after your other two children?

Weird for him to change so much after a third baby.

If he was exactly the same the last 2 times, what did you expect? Raise your bar

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:10

Well I guess with the first he went out a fair bit but I didn’t really mind as I found having the one child quite easy. Second baby born in lockdown so there were no ops for him at that point. Hence now why I guess he thinks his going out is reasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m no doormat, I say what I think and feel but he does what he wants anyways 😖

OP posts:
alphapie · 16/07/2022 20:12

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:10

Well I guess with the first he went out a fair bit but I didn’t really mind as I found having the one child quite easy. Second baby born in lockdown so there were no ops for him at that point. Hence now why I guess he thinks his going out is reasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m no doormat, I say what I think and feel but he does what he wants anyways 😖

Then vote with your feet.

You're being treated like shit and disrespected by the one person who should definitely do neither of those things.

So what are you going to do about it.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:29

Trust me, have thought about leaving a few times, just feels insurmountable given I’m abroad, on my own and leaving to go back to England would be a huge huge task on my own :( do you think this is something worth leaving for?! I wonder it myself but always scare myself out of it and without my dear mum I feel a bit lost sometimes when it comes to things like this 💕

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria · 16/07/2022 20:33

Come home. What you have is no life for a young woman.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:39

I truly miss England and my ‘home’ there .. i just worry that my life will be ten times harder as a single mum of three, I’m so torn.. I had a fab opportunity work wise but turnt it down as DH convinced me our life here was better. Not sure if I’m easily manipulated or just dumb at the moment !

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 16/07/2022 20:40

What would happen if you just told him you are going out on x date and he's in charge of the kids? I appreciate with a three week old that may not be possible but you mention the possibility of a childminder so you can go out together. Maybe you need to spell it out to him instead of hoping he'll do this, that and the other. Invite yourself and arrange childcare, don't wait for him to offer to do it and then sulk when he doesn't, that's being a martyr. If he then picks a fight over it, you need to be evaluating your relationship.

alphapie · 16/07/2022 20:43

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:29

Trust me, have thought about leaving a few times, just feels insurmountable given I’m abroad, on my own and leaving to go back to England would be a huge huge task on my own :( do you think this is something worth leaving for?! I wonder it myself but always scare myself out of it and without my dear mum I feel a bit lost sometimes when it comes to things like this 💕

Your husband not respecting you is definitely something to leave over

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is ok, for someone to be treated with so little respect?

Wafflybollocks · 16/07/2022 20:56

He doesn't sound like a 'lovely guy'. You've made all the sacrifices and continue to do so, he comes and goes as he pleases. Your bar is very low. Appreciate that moving home with three DC will be hard, but you could plan how to do it and take the time you need. Counselling could help too.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 21:24

DelilahBucket · 16/07/2022 20:40

What would happen if you just told him you are going out on x date and he's in charge of the kids? I appreciate with a three week old that may not be possible but you mention the possibility of a childminder so you can go out together. Maybe you need to spell it out to him instead of hoping he'll do this, that and the other. Invite yourself and arrange childcare, don't wait for him to offer to do it and then sulk when he doesn't, that's being a martyr. If he then picks a fight over it, you need to be evaluating your relationship.

He will probably just deal with it but then sulk about it afterwards. Thing is, about this party is that it’s been planned for about 6 weeks and I said even before babe was here we should go as a few of my old friends who moved out of town would be there and I really wanted to see them, it’s just how he said he wasn’t going which i now feel like he did just so that I didn’t come too.. I can arrange childcare but it does annoy me as it’s his parents and sister and I feel like if we were in England, I wouldn’t expect him to arrange childcare with my family. I truly have spelt it out that I’d love for us to go out together and be grateful if he could try make it happen (I feel bad asking his family for childcare when it comes to leisure things as I’ve asked often enough for health/ pregnancy related things) but I guess like everyone is saying I’m just being taken for a mug and should probably evaluate whether the relationship is actually something worth fighting for. God, I feel so stupid now, crying into a glass of wine and sat on my own AGAIN 🤦🏻‍♀️😖 thanks for the advice. I truly do appreciate it xx

OP posts:
maddening · 16/07/2022 21:30

Tell him the life he promised has not materialised and either he fixes it or you are off.

oviraptor21 · 16/07/2022 21:35

If you do plan to leave and return to the UK then you may need to be careful about how you do it as your DC will likely be considered citizens of your DH's country.

Teacupsandtoast · 16/07/2022 21:37

Think it's time to start looking for another horse and claim back your time - how dare he complain about having to look after his own children. Arse. And yes, this is definitely a tipping point in your relationship....he either bucks up or you buck off home....

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 21:49

It feels like a mountain at this point. I also don’t think he will let me just leave with the kids.. and I won’t be able to leave the country without his permission (border control have stopped me before as I kept my maiden name, well double barrelled it when we got married so it’s diff to the kids passports) AND to top it off, I just signed a rent contract for 6 months for some new tenants on my property in the UK so living situation will be difficult if I move back before then .. I just wish I wasn’t back here doubting my marriage and life decisions again but I suppose I need to do something when I keep having to revisit this thought. Oh man, I wasn’t expecting this AIBU to open up this can of worms again 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 21:53

Teacupsandtoast · 16/07/2022 21:37

Think it's time to start looking for another horse and claim back your time - how dare he complain about having to look after his own children. Arse. And yes, this is definitely a tipping point in your relationship....he either bucks up or you buck off home....

Thanks, I do wish I could get another horse, but have held off due to the fact I’ve been considering moving back to England for a while and the stress of moving a horse overseas is added hassle that I wouldn’t need at this point😫 but yes he is an arse actually, he would sometimes hide the car keys when I had things planned with my horsey friends so I’d miss out on going for group rides 😢😖 I am just an idiot for putting up with this aren’t I? I wish my mum was here to slap some sense into me , but I truly appreciate all the comments on this thread. I will speak to him when he’s home and sobered up. 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
bigspoonlittlespoon · 16/07/2022 21:59

He's not a lovely guy.

Why does he get to carry on doing what he wants with no regard for your family, while you're left at home looking after the children?

Bin him.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2022 22:07

He is not lovely at all. He is deliberately trying to isolate you and ensure you have no support. That’s why he kept saying he wasn’t going to the party tonight and changed his mind when it was too late to arrange childcare. Was DC3 his idea??

I would make plans to leave. You say your house in England is rented out for 6 months? That gives you 6 months to plan.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:11

bigspoonlittlespoon · 16/07/2022 21:59

He's not a lovely guy.

Why does he get to carry on doing what he wants with no regard for your family, while you're left at home looking after the children?

Bin him.

His response is that he doesn’t go out that much… since dc1 was born in 2018 I’ve been out (as in to a party or drinks with friends) a total of three times, 2 of which were last year 😫 and when I say this, he just says ‘ I always make it about me’ and I am being unreasonable .. I don’t know anymore, I didn’t think it was that deep but maybe I am more of a doormat than I like to admit 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
WatermelonWaveclub · 16/07/2022 22:14

YANBU atall. I had this with my ex-DH. It made me miserable. It's not just that he goes out all the time, he also isn't interested in socialising with you too and he isn't interested in you having any down time - he just seems to go out whenever he wants and expects you to do all the childcare.

Personally, I would find going on 'benders' deeply unattractive in a supposedly mature adult with very young DC.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:17

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2022 22:07

He is not lovely at all. He is deliberately trying to isolate you and ensure you have no support. That’s why he kept saying he wasn’t going to the party tonight and changed his mind when it was too late to arrange childcare. Was DC3 his idea??

I would make plans to leave. You say your house in England is rented out for 6 months? That gives you 6 months to plan.

You are right. It was deliberate and I see that now. Just I don’t understand why he would do that? Control? I’m not fun anymore? Just hates spending time with me? Sorry, I know you can’t tell me for sure, just wish I could understand it. Unfortunately, DC3 was a coil baby.. so very much a surprise that he didn’t want :( but that’s another very long story and will probably put your opinion of him even more in the trash than it already is 😫 I am not complaining as I know I’m lucky to have a home to go back to, but yes, it seems like planning my move is definitely the smartest idea at this point. Thanks for the advice, even though it’s hard to hear , I do very much appreciate it 💕

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 16/07/2022 22:18

He sounds manipulative and disrespectful. Why doesn’t he want to go out with you? I would be seriously questioning his motives.

toomuchlaundry · 16/07/2022 22:20

Would he give permission if you wanted to come back home?

Teacupsandtoast · 16/07/2022 22:24

So he's financially abusive, controlling and has isolated you from your friends....yeah, him going out is not the main issue here. Are you US/Oz or a European country?

BoxOfCats · 16/07/2022 22:24

Oh OP, you're in a very vulnerable position. But there must be a way out.
Could you arrange a trip for all of you to go home in 6 months - and then just tell him when you're there that you and the kids won't be going back?

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:24

I’m so sorry you also went through this. It’s just sad, we used to have a lot of fun together and really enjoyed our nights out but since I moved here it’s just like a no brainier that I’ll stay home and look after the kids and I don’t even get considered! And we are so lucky that his sister lives next door to us and would probably happily keep an eye on the kids for a few hours .. what made you leave if you don’t mind me asking? Did this scenario have any bearing on your situation?

OP posts: