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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want husband to go out so much?!

54 replies

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 20:03

So we’ve been together 10 years, married 5…

I had DC3 3 weeks ago (planned section) and DH has decided to go out on a bender tonight with all his mates at a mutual friends large garden party. I was a bit peeved about it as he spent the whole day saying he wasn’t going. Then at 7pm decided that he was .. okay, I know I’m sounding unreasonable so far but it was pretty annoying. Especially as I would have really liked to have gone too and we could have arranged childcare for a couple of hours so that we both could have gone. But this comes after he has 1) paid for a season ticket for his football team and will go to every home match 2) planned a 4 day bender with his friends over a street festival in a town about 40 mins away from us and 3) has signed himself up for a 6 day programme over the street festival held in our village.. not including all the ‘meetings’ and prep him and his friends will need to do beforehand.

I am starting to feel quite upset by all this as he told me before DC3’s arrival that he wouldn’t be going out so much… and therefore wanted to ‘make the most’ of going out with his friends, attending all the football matches, and going to every bloody festival/event in the local vicinity ..and now I just feel tricked.

i guess I’m just wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I moved abroad (his home town/ country) after we got married and had DC1 and gave up my well paid career, house, family, friends, hobbies etc.. but I really have tried to regain my life, applied for jobs, got my horse moved over here (which was a godsend) but sadly had to PTS last September, I’ve made new friends not related to him, started my own baby group etc and just really tried to intergrate myself but he makes it hard for me, complains about having to look after the kids and just generally makes things difficult at times.

He is a lovely guy, the kids love him, he does quite a lot for them and round the house and did support me through extreme HG in the last pregnancy (although wasn’t always that understanding) so he’s not all bad.

I guess I would just like it if he maybe invited me out for once, he never asks me to join when mutual friends are having parties, doesn’t ever arrange childcare with his parents so we can go out together (not even for a meal!!) even though I’ve mentioned it often enough and I just feel quite sad really. My mum also died 2017 and I tend to find this PP phase quite hard, just wish she was here so I could at least vent to her. But I guess mumsnet it is…

so TLDR… AIBU to wish he didn’t go out so much/ at least invited me along too sometimes?

OP posts:
WatermelonWaveclub · 16/07/2022 22:25

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 21:53

Thanks, I do wish I could get another horse, but have held off due to the fact I’ve been considering moving back to England for a while and the stress of moving a horse overseas is added hassle that I wouldn’t need at this point😫 but yes he is an arse actually, he would sometimes hide the car keys when I had things planned with my horsey friends so I’d miss out on going for group rides 😢😖 I am just an idiot for putting up with this aren’t I? I wish my mum was here to slap some sense into me , but I truly appreciate all the comments on this thread. I will speak to him when he’s home and sobered up. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Hide the keys? Oh, OP, it is worse than I thought. I'm sorry. Take your time to process the situation and decide what to do. Good luck x

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2022 22:25

He hid your fucking car keys?!!!

justasking111 · 16/07/2022 22:28

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2022 22:25

He hid your fucking car keys?!!!

I was just about to say this. Am horrified by this. Also that you need his permission to leave the country. Your a prisoner and are going to have trouble escaping.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 22:31

Are you able to just up and leave without his permission?

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:33

Teacupsandtoast · 16/07/2022 22:24

So he's financially abusive, controlling and has isolated you from your friends....yeah, him going out is not the main issue here. Are you US/Oz or a European country?

I’m in Germany, so not too far away, just an hour flight. But moving would be hard and probably bankrupt me as I‘ve put a lot of money into our current home and furniture/ car wise I’d be starting out with nothing 😫 I know it sounds trivial, but the thought of walking away with nothing and him having a full equipped house really infuriates me and is also a bit gutting as I used inheritance from my late mother to get this place to then’perfect’ family home we now have. He also owes me about 4000 euro which I doubt I’ll ever see if I leave 😖🔫 why have I been so so so stupid !!!!!! Really kicking myself now

OP posts:
WatermelonWaveclub · 16/07/2022 22:36

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:24

I’m so sorry you also went through this. It’s just sad, we used to have a lot of fun together and really enjoyed our nights out but since I moved here it’s just like a no brainier that I’ll stay home and look after the kids and I don’t even get considered! And we are so lucky that his sister lives next door to us and would probably happily keep an eye on the kids for a few hours .. what made you leave if you don’t mind me asking? Did this scenario have any bearing on your situation?

It was the same for us we used to have fun together. But once we had DC something changed. He actually ended up having a very brief fling and that was what ended the relationship. If the going out continued long term it would have ended eventually but it would have been much more painful. I don't know if couples counselling could have helped, but obviously once he cheated on me, it was too late. Your post really brought back some sad memories for me as a young mother and just feeling so alone.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 22:37

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 22:31

Are you able to just up and leave without his permission?

I’m not sure. But the last time I went to England on my own with the two kids I got stoped at the border and had to call DH and pass the phone to the border police to confirm that he gave permission for them to leave .. not sure what I can do reallt 😫

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2022 22:40

If he hides your car keys, he's not going to let you move away with the children.

Bigmouthshouthotair · 16/07/2022 22:41

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 22:31

Are you able to just up and leave without his permission?

Not with DC no she won't be able to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2022 22:41

And if you take them without permission it could be very serious.

Get legal advice.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/07/2022 22:41

Sorry to hear this OP.

To he honest Id not have the heart to discuss things with such a boorish man. He wouldnt listen anyway.
He's neither interested in you, or in being a family man. He wants to be eternally one of the lads. Hence he's treating you like rubbish.

He's cruel, too. Isolating and excluding you when he knows youve no longer your Mum to speak to.

Get to England and have a think then tell him to fuck off

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2022 23:10

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 21:53

Thanks, I do wish I could get another horse, but have held off due to the fact I’ve been considering moving back to England for a while and the stress of moving a horse overseas is added hassle that I wouldn’t need at this point😫 but yes he is an arse actually, he would sometimes hide the car keys when I had things planned with my horsey friends so I’d miss out on going for group rides 😢😖 I am just an idiot for putting up with this aren’t I? I wish my mum was here to slap some sense into me , but I truly appreciate all the comments on this thread. I will speak to him when he’s home and sobered up. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Wtaf? He hid the keys yet organises multiple outings for himself? Please, liebling! Don’t put up with this shit. He’s taking the piss, stand up for yourself. He wants to live the single life and go out with his mates, fine, then he can give you permission to go back to England with the dc while he goes out with his mates.

Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 23:31

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2022 23:10

Wtaf? He hid the keys yet organises multiple outings for himself? Please, liebling! Don’t put up with this shit. He’s taking the piss, stand up for yourself. He wants to live the single life and go out with his mates, fine, then he can give you permission to go back to England with the dc while he goes out with his mates.

Show quote history

Liebling 🥰 haha that’s a phrase I don’t often hear!! Yes! It was only when DC1 could talk properly and told me ‘papa put them there’ when I realised I was being played. He would otherwise blame dc for moving them.. 🚩 I know as it only happened when I had stuff planned.. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt! He’s just come home now and can tell that I’m upset. But has successfully made me feel shit as he told me his best friend is engaged and he was the last to know because he ‘never goes out anymore’ and everyone there was asking him why he never gets in touch blah blah… it’s been exactly 24 days since baby was born and his best friend works a 2 minute walk from our house but ofc my DH told them all that he ‘never goes out’ because he’s been so busy with three children and looking after me post section… even tho, at two weeks PP I was already walking the dog and doing as much as I can with dc1&2 and newborn AND keeping house up together … cry me a river right?! Not sure whether to be annoyed, upset or just downright disappointed in myself at this point. You’d think as a qualified lawyer I’d be more savvy 😫 he’s now throwing up and SOOO sorry about everything , honestly you couldn’t make this up 😖🔫

OP posts:
Original poster
Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 23:45

WatermelonWaveclub · 16/07/2022 22:36

It was the same for us we used to have fun together. But once we had DC something changed. He actually ended up having a very brief fling and that was what ended the relationship. If the going out continued long term it would have ended eventually but it would have been much more painful. I don't know if couples counselling could have helped, but obviously once he cheated on me, it was too late. Your post really brought back some sad memories for me as a young mother and just feeling so alone.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry, that’s really horrible and shit. But I hope you feel you made the right decision and are at peace with it now 💕💕 people can be such bastards can’t they, just hope I can do the right thing too without causing too much damage to all involved, it is super isolating at times but I don’t want to make a selfish decision when there are three innocent children also involved , argh it’s so hard, really wasn’t expecting this tongiht tbh but I’m so grateful and overwhelmed at the support on here so thanks for that 🥰

OP posts:
WatermelonWaveclub · 17/07/2022 00:05

Hachos2018 · 16/07/2022 23:45

I’m so sorry, that’s really horrible and shit. But I hope you feel you made the right decision and are at peace with it now 💕💕 people can be such bastards can’t they, just hope I can do the right thing too without causing too much damage to all involved, it is super isolating at times but I don’t want to make a selfish decision when there are three innocent children also involved , argh it’s so hard, really wasn’t expecting this tongiht tbh but I’m so grateful and overwhelmed at the support on here so thanks for that 🥰

Show quote history

Oh, bless you. You sound like a lovely mum. Yes, it was the right decision and myself and ex are very amicable these days. Thinking of you and good luck whatever you decide to do 💜

Iflyaway · 17/07/2022 00:32

OP, sorry to hear you are going through this.

I also married a different country national and though divorced now I found out about this organisation when he threatened to take our son to his home country.

It's a mine of information.

www.reunite.org/

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2022 00:54

everyone there was asking him why he never gets in touch blah blah… it’s been exactly 24 days since baby was born

Either all his friends are arseholes too. Or he's lying. And since he's a liar, I'm guessing the latter.

mowglika · 17/07/2022 02:48

OP look up the sunken cost fallacy. The years you’ve given him, the money you put into this life is gone but you don’t have to throw the rest of your life away with it. This time in 10 years you could have a very different hopefully better life or just more of the same shit that you’ve had to swallow for 10 more years.

Wafflybollocks · 17/07/2022 07:06

I'd stop using your energy having conversations with him. Conserve your energy for planning how to leave him. He's horrible and won't change and having endless discussions about who did this and who said that will do nothing but exhaust and demoralise you. Plan how to leave and don't tell him until you absolutely need to - you don't owe him a heads up.

Beefcurtains79 · 17/07/2022 07:16

Strange his ‘best friend’ didn’t just give him a call to tell him he’d gotten engaged? Rather than casually mentioning it when he bumped into him at a party. They must be really close!!!
He’s a wanker, he’ll use anything to quickly get you back in your box.

BonnBon · 17/07/2022 07:32

Your husband is being deliberately controlling and manipulative!

He knew you wanted to go the garden party but he didn't want you to go. So, he pretended that he wasn't interested until is was too late for you to arrange childcare to attend, then he fucked off there by himself just like he planned!

Incredibly calculating! Leave.

CourtneeLuv · 17/07/2022 08:08

Wafflybollocks · 16/07/2022 20:56

He doesn't sound like a 'lovely guy'. You've made all the sacrifices and continue to do so, he comes and goes as he pleases. Your bar is very low. Appreciate that moving home with three DC will be hard, but you could plan how to do it and take the time you need. Counselling could help too.

Yeah, try marriage counselling first op, before uprooting yourself and children from one country to another as a single mum.

Don't listen to those on here trying to stir up drama. This is you and your childrens lives, but just entertainment to them.

I'm not advocating being a doormat and just standing for his bollocks. But sit him down and tell him where he's going wrong and give him a chance to change it, before uprooting your lives. Maybe agree an event out for you, one for him and one together in a month or whatever you would be happy with.

If, after an explanation of his wrong doings and disrespect, he still continues to take the piss, then leave him.

billy1966 · 17/07/2022 08:20

You poor woman.

You are being controlled and abused by him.

Please start making plans, hard though it will be.

Have you family to reach out to?

roarfeckingroarr · 17/07/2022 08:28

This is no life for you. You deserve so, so much more. Come home if you can.

Ohhhhladz · 17/07/2022 08:28

DH has decided to go out on a bender tonight with all his mates at a mutual friends large garden party. I was a bit peeved about it as he spent the whole day saying he wasn’t going. Then at 7pm decided that he was .. okay, I know I’m sounding unreasonable so far but it was pretty annoying.

Why do you think you sound unreasonable? If it was just the two of you, or older children who could stay alone, then you'd perhaps be unreasonable as you'd be free to go along to the party yourself no matter what he did. Under the circumstances (it sounds like you have three children under 5?) his behaviour is ridiculous and deeply irresponsible.

Apart from the times he's scheduled to be working, he should never assume it's OK for him to go out and leave the children with you. What would happen if you had made the same assumption and "decided" you were going to this party on your own, or out somewhere else that same evening (and de facto expecting him to stay with the children) without checking with him ahead of time?

... he just says ‘ I always make it about me’ and I am being unreasonable... It's about both of you, and the reality that you (plural) have small children that need constant supervision and care. IF he genuinely feels that you go out significantly more than he does and he wants equal time, that should be discussed. But that's a separate issue from his assuming even in one instance that it's OK for him to assume you'll handle childcare without his checking. (And if he's going to be coming home drunk, he should be checking you're willing to fill in for him for whatever amount of time he'll be incapacitated.)