To feel so overwhelmed by this?

[peekaboo00]

Me & my 4 year old daughter moved into our first proper house a couple of months ago. A week ago my father flew back to the UK (he's lived abroad for 6 years & I haven't seen him for 3 years) and came to stay at our house. He's had health issues for a while & has put off flying back to see a doctor for at least a year. (Doctors are ridiculously expensive out there)

Anyway, after seeing a Doctor in England he was told he will need to see a specialist and have an operation, however because he doesn't live in this country he isn't entitled to this.

He is now saying he will have to extend his stay to at least 6 months, he's also trying to sell his place abroad.

I will have to tell the council I have a non dependant living with me while he has treatment, I’m worried this will effect my current benefits.

I don't know where this leaves me, I know it's very selfish but I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of living with my father again.

I've pretty much been on my own since he left the country, & he hasn't spoken with me much either. Now he's back and he's staying for 6 months. I can't get my head around it, I'm struggling a lot, i have quite severe mental health issues he knows nothing about, I'm not used to living with anyone either. I'm also doing everything; cooking, cleaning, driving, I'm so tired. I'm having to buy all the food as he has no money. He says he will contribute if he stays (it's looking pretty certain he will stay)

I just feel like I've been through absolute shit the last few years all by myself, I've finally secured a proper home for myself and my daughter.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this, but I'm just not getting any time to myself, all I do is look after my daughter and father, I don’t have any me time now.
I was really looking forward to moving into this house, and now I don't feel happy.

He didn't ask if he could live here while he has treatment, he just kind of assumed.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

YANBU. Tell him if he stays you'll lose your house so he'll have to find somewhere else anyway.

You need to prioritise yourself and your daughter.

If he lives off you then he is a dependent!

I'd give him a blank stare and ask him where he was thinking of staying for 6 months. And I'd give a firm shake of my head and say, that's definitely not going to be possible if he said With you.

Tell him that he will have to find somewhere else to stay. This isn't going to work.

Ok but this is my dad we are talking about, I love him to pieces & want to help were I can. It's just a lot to take in.

What will happen if he does end up staying as far as the council are concerned?

I'm just struggling mentally at the moment and pretending I'm fine everyday is actually so exhausting. I haven't had a chance to think about anything it's just been thrown on me.

Are you renting from the council? What benefits are you on?

Councils have different rules but most will allow you to take in a lodger as long as it doesn't make you overcrowded. But you need to ask permission in writing.

You really don't want your dad to become a tenant so best to try and make it a lodger situation and tell him he is going to have to pay his way as you'll need to inform universal credit as well so even if he pays £200 a month for the room or something. And you then declare the income.

Or you can just have him stay and not say anything. You are allowed guests. Only a probe if you're claiming benefits and anyone questions another adult living with you.

I think I read somewhere that income isn't affected if they are a pensioner

You are not his parent. He's not your responsibility in that way. I don't want to be horrible but he wasn't exactly always in touch with you was he? It's only now that he needs you he is insisting on contact. That is really horrible of him.

I would say that you are not allowed to have anybody living with you. It will affect so much in terms of your benefits. It doesn't matter whether he's allowed to because he's a pensioner, that's your home, your safe haven and you don't need your dad living there. If he moves in he's never going to move out again.

Tell him the council gave it to you because you were single mother and if any other adult lives there then you have to move out.

Is he claiming his pension from the UK? You don't want him treated as a lodger, just a guest. You need to ask him if he is prepared to cover your rent if need be. You also need to ask him his long term plans, tell him that the council won't allow the tenancy to be shared. You do need to spell out what you are prepared to do for him. He might be your father, but your DD is priority.

For council tax, if your father in unwell you may qualify as his carer. Then you can get council tax discount relief. Carers are disregarded. Additionally, if he is back in the UK he may get PIP or attendance allowance, and then you can claim carers allowance. There maybe carer grants at your local authority as well.

I would try and break this down into smaller parts to make it easier to think about.

It looks like there are basically two possibilities for your dad. He can stay with you or stay elsewhere. Lodgings in most places are difficult at the moment so maybe that is just out of the question, but maybe look into it a bit. Something like a long term hostel or the YWCA could be the right sort of approach.

If that won't work you need to find out for sure what the rules are with regard to having him there, so you will need to ask. And you will likely need to find out what he is contributing to food and board. Is he a lodger or a dependent? So you need to talk about that and be up front about what is fair.

And you also need to talk about him helping out. Which may depend on his health. I am assuming he is picking up after himself but I would also try and do some thinking about splitting general chores whatever they are. He also might be able to help out some with babysitting or school pick ups and such which could be a cost savings. But in any case if he is staying for a while work this out.

And then you may need to talk about what happens with the specialist treatment, will he need any kind of extra care etc, and he needs to get this set up.

I would make a time to sit down with him to talk about this, say - I need to get things in order with the flat, so I need to know what your status will be so we don't end up homeless. And then you can also talk about how you will manage chores, and if he will need assistance, and what his plan is for after though he may not be sure yet.

Free time and alone time are hard. It does sometimes get easier to live with someone when you have some practice, it worst often when you haven't been doing it for a while. But if he stays, maybe encourage him to get involved in an activity that gets him out of the house, and maybe get out yourself to something too.

The thing is that nobody has the right to just tell you that they're coming to live in your house! Is he thinking he's going to stay here and then get on the NHS waiting list and have his operation and stay here? Or is he thinking he will eventually go back home?

Those that are saying just tell him no - sorry but this isn't helping.

The situation is, he has absolutely no money until the end of the month, he gets the same amount each month as me from his pension yet it's gone not even 2 weeks into the month.

I am extremely stressed because I am having to buy more food this month, planning & meal prepping and shopping for an extra person is actually really stressful. I'm so used to easy meals with my daughter. We are constantly running out of things, so I'm constantly shopping. I'm also doing the washing up after each meal, which again isn't normally stressful but in my head im like why am I doing all these extra things when I already have my hands full?!

He invited his friend over on Monday without asking me. He didn't get me a birthday card or present on my birthday last week. He's offered to pay for shopping a couple of times and did pay for it once, but I know he hasn't got any money.

I love my dad so much, but my head is an absolute mess. He wasn't there for me the entire time I needed him, now im on my feet im there for him. I feel so guilty even writing this thread but I don't have anyone else to turn to except my sister, she's on holiday at the moment.

I've definitely felt more tired than normal, I can barely keep my eyes open past 8pm which is unusual for me.

I hate feeling like this, I should be way more supportive.

Those that are saying just tell him no - sorry but this isn't helping

Why? He is abusive to you and is using you. He is not your responsibility.

@ThreeLittleDots When did I say he was abusive?

You need to stop thinking of it as being mean to your dad and start thinking of it as looking after yourself and your DD. If you're overwhelmed, skint and your MH breaks down, you and your DD will suffer and that cannot happen.

He's not thinking of you so you have to do that. It's not doing anyone any good to bury all this and not be clear about communicating your needs and boundaries.

Stop being a doormat and sit him down for a proper talk about all of this. Make a list in advance, so you don't forget anything. Go through everything - if he absolutely has to live with you, there needs to be clear rules, rotas, budgets etc. It cannot be this ad hoc promising he'll pay for bits. He is a known expense. You cannot and should not cover it. He's taking money away from your DD and that is NOT how families should work.

I don't understand the health situation, but it sounds pretty vague and like he could end up staying with you a lot longer than 6 months. Waiting lists are long and even longer when you factor in how long he'd need to be he to get NHS ops. Who knows how long his house will take to sell. This vagueness isn't going to work and tbh it sounds like he's mainly moved back now because suddenly you have a house and he can live there indefinitely. Of course you love him and want to help, but you'll be no help to him or anyone if you have a breakdown.

Put your health first. Your DD needs that.

Well, you may not class this kind of behaviour as abusive, but at best it's ignorant and uncaring -

He invited his friend over on Monday without asking me. He didn't get me a birthday card or present on my birthday last week. He's offered to pay for shopping a couple of times and did pay for it once, but I know he hasn't got any money... He wasn't there for me the entire time I needed him, now im on my feet im there for him.

OP - is he in a visa? If he is, he will need to apply to the Hone Office to have it extended. If he isn’t- he needs medical insurance as an EEA national (that was the case when we were in the EU I’m sure it’s the same post Brexit).
if he lives in Ireland he’s better off trying to get his care there as who knows what care he will need after the operation.
The fact remains that he a) isn’t likely to get NHS care (you can check if he’s entitled) and b) he might need permission to stay here longer than his stated visit, which he might not get.
Do either of these scenarios apply?

When did I say he was abusive

When you said he's barely spoken to you for 6 years, hasn't lifted a finger around the house, is not properly contributing so you are short of money, didn't ask permission to stay longer term, didn't think to ask your permission to have a guest around, has no idea (or doesn't care) how unhappy you are, neglected you by not being supportive when you needed it, and to put the icing on the cake, didn't even bother getting you a present or card for your birthday.

I know you love him, and want him to love you, but the above actions are not what a caring father does.

Prepare for him to stay much much longer than 6 months. Can't he sell his house aboard and move somewhere else?
I would not be happy he's inviting random people to your home, not paying his way, not even cleaning up after himself. You need to set ground rules.
You also need to make benefits aware as you'll lose £78 a month in a non dependent deduction.

Also the nhs waiting list can be years! My grandad has been waiting 4 years for his operation. To expect to be done in 6 months is laughable.

So as you won't say no, you need to o be assertive & have some mutually agreed boundaries & ground rules or you will end up even more stressed. You will lose the single person Council Tax discount if he stays, unless you can get recognised as his carer. He should contribute a set agreed amount of money, weekly. Selling ng his overseas home will give him money , surely? He should help with chores & keep his own room presentable. One night a week he should look after your child so you get down time or can go out. Guests should be asked about, to you, first , not just turn up. How ill will he be after the op? Can you investigate carers & how is he going to get benefits etc if he isn't a UK citizen?

He is putting all of this at your door because he doesn't want to pay more money for the op abroad.

It's not your problem at all! Please talk to your sister and come up with a way of telling him to sling his hook!