To feel so overwhelmed by this?

[peekaboo00]

Me & my 4 year old daughter moved into our first proper house a couple of months ago. A week ago my father flew back to the UK (he's lived abroad for 6 years & I haven't seen him for 3 years) and came to stay at our house. He's had health issues for a while & has put off flying back to see a doctor for at least a year. (Doctors are ridiculously expensive out there)

Anyway, after seeing a Doctor in England he was told he will need to see a specialist and have an operation, however because he doesn't live in this country he isn't entitled to this.

He is now saying he will have to extend his stay to at least 6 months, he's also trying to sell his place abroad.

I will have to tell the council I have a non dependant living with me while he has treatment, I’m worried this will effect my current benefits.

I don't know where this leaves me, I know it's very selfish but I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of living with my father again.

I've pretty much been on my own since he left the country, & he hasn't spoken with me much either. Now he's back and he's staying for 6 months. I can't get my head around it, I'm struggling a lot, i have quite severe mental health issues he knows nothing about, I'm not used to living with anyone either. I'm also doing everything; cooking, cleaning, driving, I'm so tired. I'm having to buy all the food as he has no money. He says he will contribute if he stays (it's looking pretty certain he will stay)

I just feel like I've been through absolute shit the last few years all by myself, I've finally secured a proper home for myself and my daughter.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this, but I'm just not getting any time to myself, all I do is look after my daughter and father, I don’t have any me time now.
I was really looking forward to moving into this house, and now I don't feel happy.

He didn't ask if he could live here while he has treatment, he just kind of assumed.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

You are trying yourself in knots - he isn't doing the same about you. He's treating you with contempt. Your feelings aren't of concern to him. You are saying you can't ask him to leave, but what is the alternative? He's not going to see the light and become a good person. He's your parent and yet you're parenting him.

"The situation is, he has absolutely no money until the end of the month, he gets the same amount each month as me from his pension yet it's gone not even 2 weeks into the month."

@peekaboo00 Why is it going so fast? Going forward, until a better/longer term solution can be found, ensuring you (and your daughter) don't take a financial hit has to be the priority. You must tell him this.

Wow op I know he’s your dad but as an outsider his cheeky is he. So he’s not been there for you during your tough times and then as soon as you have a house of your own he appears like Lazarus….really 😒 I know it’s easy for us to be black and white but he sounds like he’s using you! You sound shattered.

He gets the same amount of money as you so needs to contribute 50% to food, bills etc. Unless he is physically unable, he should be doing the vast majority of the chores as he’s living in your house. If you can’t say no to him, then you’ll have to woman up and tell him what you need him to do.

It's an operation to remove cancer. He claims state pension not pension credit, not sure if that would count?

How is he going to pay for his surgery? If he cant even last a month on the money he gets.

If he is going to sell his home abroad to fund the surgery then you'll never get him out of your house. He went have anything left.

Why 6 months? U.K. nationals who return to the U.K. to settle are immediately entitled to free nhs care.

But he isn't returning to settle. Just staying for a few months.

He would need proof of a tenancy agreement, or proof of owning property here. Proof of employment or proof of selling up abroad. He'd need two of those things. Just selling his property abroad isn't enough.

I really think that to protect your mental
Health and your happiness, and that of your daughters, he needs to not live with you.
Maybe he could stay with his friend that he had over to visit? That would Free you up to be able to offer support to him As he goes through his treatment , because if things carry on as they are you won't be in a place physically or mentally to support him. You'll be full of resentment and your
Mental health will take a huge knock.
Be brave and be clear with him- I can't do this dad and I need you out

He's been told he can't have anything more than a doctors appointment at the moment as he isn't living in the UK. So his plan is to essentially 'live' here and give out my address so he can do that.

I'm so stressed out I want to just cry.

Your dad is only back in touch with you, after 3 years of no contact, because he needs something from you.

I know he is your dad and you love him, but he has not been kind or considerate towards you.

I'm not sure how old you are but there comes a point in our adult lives where we have to see and treat our parents as equal adults and take them off the pedestal they were on when we were children.

The only positive outcome for you in this situation is to assert some boundaries and stop feeling obliged to put yourself in a precarious position, with your housing, benefits and mental health, just because he's your dad.

He is taking the piss out if you because he knows he can get away with it. He is abusing your good nature and is emotionally abusing you. He is also cheating the system and putting you and your DD at risk. You can say he can't stay, you can say you are being investigated, social services are involved, say anything that backs up your need for him to go because as PP said, it will be much much longer than 6 months. And I bet you won't see a penny of his house sale.

Ok, I understand you don't want to ask him to move out, and don't want people to suggest that. BUT, as others have said, you are not responsible for him, you are responsible for your daughter. How will you feed her and pay your bills with the added expense of looking after your father? You will lose your single person's council tax discount for a start; not to mention the other costs of having another adult living with you.

If you won't ask him to move out, you need to write out exactly what the rules are if he chooses to stay e.g. he must contribute to 50% of the bills (he can set up an automatic transfer on pension day, so he won't have a chance to spend it before paying you); he must ask in advance if he wishes to have guests over and if you say no, that's it; he must make up any financial loss in full, that is due to him (i.e he'll have to pay all your council tax). Be clear if he doesn't wish to follow whatever rules you set out, he will have to move out. Then whether he stays or goes is his choice; and you are doing what you must to offer him a solution whilst taking care of your daughter.

Your priority here is what is best for your child.
You are the most important person in your daughters life.. she totally depends on you.
Therefore you have to do what is best for YOU..... and that means laying down and ENFORCING house rules or he has to go.
He contributes financially and practically... chores, cooking, shopping, laundry et al... or he has to go.
A PP above said it all... as an adult you have to step back and see your parents as the human beings they are... warts and all!!
He is not being fair... he is using you and your good nature.... emotionally messing you about.
See him as an adult, not your Dad, and put YOU and your daughter first.
Ultimately he is responsible for making his healthcare arrangements... but not by screwing the system.... again ... he is not being fair.

I'm so stressed out I want to just cry

I don't blame you! You must feel so trapped, used and disrespected. And this.must be tainting your new happy, safe surroundings.

So I ask again. WHY exactly can't you ask him to leave?

Is it because you feel it is your duty?

Are you scared of him?

Would you feel too guilty?

Do you think he would hate you for it?

If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want to happen to end this situation, honestly?

You are not stuck and you do have choices.

Quite often when parenting has been abusive or neglectful, adult children find it hard to have healthy relationships / boundaries with our parents due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). A disingenuous, self-centred, selfish parent plays on this to get what they want, regardless of the strain it puts their children under.

Your father's behaviour is unacceptable. You hold all the cards here.

I cannot understand why someone would be living ( at his age ) in another country with no idea how to fund health care . This is bonkers . I am sorry you are suffering through your Dad's inability to plan for his old age . You must ask him what are his plans now and into the future . It looks like he always intended to put you in the centre of this .💐

No reasonable parent would do this. "Dad you can't live here, we'll lose the house and it impacts on my finances". Quite honestly it's taking the piss

Also get in touch with Macmillan Cancer Charity .

He's not doing it on purpose and I may have painted a bad picture of him. He is going to be helping me with the house when he feels better and is used to being back in the UK.

Inviting his friend round wasn't fair no, and I will be saying something about that.

To PP yes I feel it is my duty, I am kind hearted and can never say no to family.
I'm Also a very sensitive person, and have become so accustomed to living and surviving on my own without my family. I did go out to see him 3 times before covid happened.

I remember him saying on the phone a few times he has no reason to come back etc which upset me and my siblings.

The initial plan was for him to stay for a couple of weeks then go and see his sisters and old friends etc.

I do feel a bit taken for granted and I don't think he realises how much stress this is causing.

If I asked him to stay somewhere else he probably would, but I can't bring myself to do that.

I think you really need to check whether he's entitled to use the NHS. Obviously I don't know your circumstances but they are much stricter than they used to be. Additionally, if he can get NHS treatment he won't know how long he has to wait for the operation/treatment - could be 18 months not 6!

I appreciate you need to work out more immediate concerns like money, how it affects your benefits and who does what, but first and foremost you need to check whether it's worth him staying. Also check your benefits, if you don't notify them of a change in circumstances then you could get in trouble.

Nothing has been 100% decided yet but I'm going to enquire on Monday about how it would affect me financially. I already pay bedroom tax, so another decrease in housing benefit is the last think I need.

He would still have to pay rental on where he lives while he's away.

This is honestly the last thing I needed, I was hoping to use the summer to prepare my daughter for school, finish the house, and find work for September.

This was our fresh new start.

You absolutely cannot complain as you refuse to do anything about it. You just have to suck it up it seems because there isn't an alternative according to you.

Honestly, OP, if you cannot bring yourself to ask him to mive out, I'm not sure what you want from this thread. Is it just the chance to vent? If so, that's fine, but your situation won't get any better if you don't proactively try to improve it. You say you have siblings. Why can't they take him ir spread the load by having him to stay?

Honestly, OP, if you cannot bring yourself to ask him to mive out, I'm not sure what you want from this thread. Is it just the chance to vent? If so, that's fine, but your situation won't get any better if you don't proactively try to improve it. You say you have siblings. Why can't they take him ir spread the load by having him to stay?

Of course he knows how stressful he’s being. He didn’t bother to ask you, just did what he thought was best for him, is using you and screwing up a really important time in your life. He didn’t care about coming back for you or for your daughter but to use you. You consider yourself kind hearted but actually you’re just letting yourself be treated like shit. Worse, you have a child who is your responsibility and if your MH and finances go down the pan because of it it will be her who suffers.

Put your daughters needs above the needs of this selfish so called father. Take your blinkers off. He does not care how this is effecting you and he didn’t even bother to ask to stay or use you in this way. This is the reality. You can keep denying it and suffer and make your daughter suffer too or you can not allow him to screw up your new start.