To feel so overwhelmed by this?

[peekaboo00]

Me & my 4 year old daughter moved into our first proper house a couple of months ago. A week ago my father flew back to the UK (he's lived abroad for 6 years & I haven't seen him for 3 years) and came to stay at our house. He's had health issues for a while & has put off flying back to see a doctor for at least a year. (Doctors are ridiculously expensive out there)

Anyway, after seeing a Doctor in England he was told he will need to see a specialist and have an operation, however because he doesn't live in this country he isn't entitled to this.

He is now saying he will have to extend his stay to at least 6 months, he's also trying to sell his place abroad.

I will have to tell the council I have a non dependant living with me while he has treatment, I’m worried this will effect my current benefits.

I don't know where this leaves me, I know it's very selfish but I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of living with my father again.

I've pretty much been on my own since he left the country, & he hasn't spoken with me much either. Now he's back and he's staying for 6 months. I can't get my head around it, I'm struggling a lot, i have quite severe mental health issues he knows nothing about, I'm not used to living with anyone either. I'm also doing everything; cooking, cleaning, driving, I'm so tired. I'm having to buy all the food as he has no money. He says he will contribute if he stays (it's looking pretty certain he will stay)

I just feel like I've been through absolute shit the last few years all by myself, I've finally secured a proper home for myself and my daughter.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this, but I'm just not getting any time to myself, all I do is look after my daughter and father, I don’t have any me time now.
I was really looking forward to moving into this house, and now I don't feel happy.

He didn't ask if he could live here while he has treatment, he just kind of assumed.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I'm sorry if this has been mentioned, but what about your sister?

What about his sisters and his friends?

Don't let yourself become the only person who can help him. It's not fair to you and your child. You will struggle with the budget and having someone in your home all the time.

You want to help him, but can you do that in a way that doesn't disrupt your entire life for at least 6 months?

Could he stay with someone else during the lead-up to surgery? Maybe a few weeks at each place, and return to you right before the operation?

He would most likely enjoy his stay in the country more if he split his time with other people. Clear his stay with the council and let him use your address to establish residency, while still visiting his other family and friends.

He has no reason to come back except now that he's ill and is after free medical treatment and living off an adult daughter he wasn't very fussed with before. OK then. Cancer is shit, and I hope he gets better but he sounds selfish.

Why doesn't he have any money? Where would he stay if he couldn't start with you?

He's taking advantage of you! You haven't spoken to him for three years but now he wants something, he's staying - and he hasn't even asked you??

He is not acting like he cares about you at all. No food contribution, no birthday present, no offering to do chores to help you out?

I'd sit down with him, tell him he can't stay, and ask him to make other plans. That's not being a bitch or being hard; you're looking after yourself and your dc. Sounds like you can't afford your h staying either.

He's using you. Tell him to sling his hook. You don't have to put up with this, really.

You are not his keeper.

you have your own family to look after. Your daughter depends on you.

if you can’t face telling him the truth then just lie, say that you will lose your benefits if he stays. Find out if there is anywhere nearby he can stay until he sells his house.

you are not his keeper

If you feel like this now, (most people would), imagine how annoyed you'll be in a few months after Living with him.

I'd feel obliged to have him too mind, even though he doesn't sound that nice & he's oblivious to what's fair. Has he thanked you profusely for having him? Did he even wish you happy birthday?

Why doesn't he give you all his pension if he's relying on your providing? You're already struggling. He needs to start paying his way at a minimum.

It's one thing accepting another burden on yourself, but you're putting a lot
More on your dd too. Have you asked her how she feels?

I hope the surgery goes well.'such a difficult time for you 💐

I have to go food shopping again, I only went Monday/Tuesday. I spoke to my brother he said to tell him how I feel. I never in a million years thought I would end up living with my dad again.
I've actually noticed I'm more anxious than usual, I'm not 100% comfortable with him here, whereas we used to be so close.

He doesn't get in the way, all he does is read, sleep and eat. It's just an extra person. I just feel like I've had no say in any of this. My sister arranged and paid for his flights, she said don't worry he will be travelling all around to see people. It's only been a week but I really need a break.

I really appreciate everyone's advice here though, as I thought I was being a bit out of order and selfish to think this way.

I think you either have to tell him nicely that it's not possible for him to stay with you and outline everything you have said here or else be completely up front with him and tell him he has to pay his way or ship out... you are a one parent family with the all financial burdens of that, you and your DC have to come first... end of..if he's any sort of dad he will understand that and if he doesn't, well then he isn't worth bothering with to be honest is he?

It's the way that he hasn't given you a voice or a choice in any of this.

It shows a lack of respect for you and the life you have made for yourself and your DD.

He has made an assumption that he can stay and you won't challenge this.

From the way you are writing, I am getting the impression that you don't feel able to speak up for yourself and explain how his behaviour is making you feel.
If you don't do this and assert some boundaries then you are likely to become resentful and angry towards him and this could lead to your frustration exploding and a big argument.
It is more difficult to feel heard when you lose your temper, you are less likely to be taken seriously than if you calmly explain how his actions are affecting you, and your daughter who is obviously your priority in all of this.

I just feel like I've had no say in any of this.

But you won't say anything, so of course you've had no say. Have your say ffs! Like your brother told you. Like everyone here is telling you. You can't characterise yourself as the super sensitive doormat who won't say anything and then wonder why you've had no say. You are in control of your actions, you can change your own behaviour, stop going out to spend money you don't have on his upkeep and have the conversation. It'll be better for everyone in the end.

For me this would come down to what's best for DD, you are responsible for her, not your DF. If having him there takes away from her in any way (and that includes her DM being stressed and exhausted) he can't stay with you, it really is that simple. She has no choice here and is relying on you to do what's right for her. I understand you feeling guilty/responsible for your DF but it's actually him who should feel guilty for putting you and DD in this position.

I don't know where you would stand with the council/benefits with regard to him staying longer term but you would certainly need to declare him living there I would think. And then if it does reduce your benefits or affect your tenancy it's you stuck with the stress of trying to sort it all out.

I would tell DF you've spoken to the council and they've said he can't stay longer than 2 weeks as a guest and that after that point your tenancy would have to be reviewed and his income declared to reassess your benefits. He is being massively selfish by not considering the impact him staying long term will have on you and DD.

Incidentally you said your sister said he would be moving around, does that mean there are other relatives he could visit/stay with? And how many bedrooms do you have? Are you and DD having to share to accommodate your DF?

I thought I was being a bit out of order and selfish to think this way

Of course not! But please don't imagine that you're going to get any medals, or an improved relationship or respect from anyone for choosing to martyr yourself like this.

I've actually noticed I'm more anxious than usual, I'm not 100% comfortable with him here, whereas we used to be so close.

The thing is OP, when you don't acknowledge and communicate your feelings they don't just go away. They'll either build up, like a pp said and the resentment will come spewing out in anger, or (more likely from your posts) you'll internalise that anger and it will turn to anxiety and/or depression. You're doing yourself a great disservice allowing this to continue, it won't end well for you.

The words PP have used to describe your dad of abusive, selfish, etc might sting, but that impression has only come from your posts, so even if your guilt won't allow you to acknowledge it on some level you know he's taking the piss out of you because you've communicated it here.

You matter! Your daughter matters. Neither of you should be detrimentally affected to fulfil some undeserved obligation you feel towards your dad. It's only been a week and you sound desperate - you need to voice this to him. If you don't feel like you deserve to feel happy and settled I know you know your daughter does. Having a mum constantly stressed and anxious will affect her, so if you can't sort this for you, do it for her.

It might be more complicated than him just living here for six months by the look of it on the government website…
www.gov.uk/guidance/using-the-nhs-when-you-return-to-live-in-the-uk

I really feel for you - honestly I struggle to cope with my dad for a short visit, never in a million years could I have him live with me!

I would have to agree with this analysis of the situation.

While you have managed to get on your feet, the second you do, he is back and on the take.
Small stuff but still taking from you.

You do not have to house him. You could put him up for a week or two maximum but as soon as he has his feet under the table, what on earth would make him think that he should leave? He's got it made. You've got the place. He stays. Not good.

Unfortunately he is back for the healthcare. You're (and I hate saying this because it sounds so cold) convenient.

YAMBU, he chose to live abroad, he loses his right to NHS treatment and benefits.

You're going to have to be very strong and ask
him to leave.

You are not being selfish whatsoever. This is a completely over whelming situation. I understand you can't just say 'no' to your dad which is why you need to find a way to frame it that makes you feel comfortable. Like someone suggested upthread say you're not allowed long term visitors as you were given your house as a single mum. It is so important you don't just let him stay because you can't say no. You say you have mental health struggles - this could end up causing you to have a mental breakdown and then you won't be able to care for your DD let alone your DF.

@VillanellesCoat thanks that's helpful, in there anything on if you aren't planning on living in the UK long term?
As that article only says a person is eligible if they plan on returning to live in the UK.

Visitors aren't covered. He'll be committing fraud by pretending that he's moved back to the UK - providing proofs of his house sale and permanent occupation of your home (bank statement, being added to the council tax bill etc) as evidence.

Please get legal advice on this as you still don't seem to realise how much exactly he is using you. You don't want to get into trouble.

OP people on here are giving you their opinion but you keep batting it away.
If your father stays in your home then you will loose some of the benefits.
What is more important you and your child or a father who was in your words
never there for you.
In my head it would be my child. Think about it.

Update -

I've taken the very helpful advice from everyone and spoke with him about how I'm feeling. He was very understanding. I said he can stay for a couple of weeks but long term he will have to stay with his sister because I have my hands full. I said I'm not kicking you out, your welcome anytime, but I just can't have you living here. He took it really well to be honest.

I feel like a weight has been lifted, feel more positive now.

Again, thanks so much for everyone who commented and gave advice.

That's brilliant news OP; I'm so pleased you were able to have that conversation, you've saved yourself months worth of anxiety!

Well done.

This is what I would call a result.

Make sure you have a date in mind or this moving to your aunt might get put on the long finger.

Good for you! I'm so pleased you did this. It's another big step in being in control of your life x