To be so upset DS is biting other children?

[Shiningstarinsummer]

When he was 14-16 months DS was bitten a few times at nursery and now he is the biter.

It’s so much worse. I feel so awful about it. I’ve asked the staff to pass on my apologies to the parents and have asked if the child is okay. But I am wondering what else I should be doing?

The nursery manager says it is normal and it generally improves when they have more language. When do they grow out of this?

They do not just “grow out of it” you need to stop him and teach him it is 100% unacceptable

Is it only happening at nursery? My son was bitten twice at nursery, and their response was to basically shadow the biter, and then remove/distract as soon as it looked like they would bite. They said the kids usually learn pretty quickly not to do it.

If course they grow out of it. Once your child has more words he'll be able to use words to communicate instead of biting. In the meantime the nursery staff should be keeping as close an eye as possible on him so they can see what his triggers are and step in when necessary.

My son was a biter and I was very upset and stressed about it at the time. He's a lovely, sociable, caring 17yr old now (who no longer bites!)

It's a developmental phase and they do grow out of it.

Obviously you/the nursery will need to watch closely and intervene where necessary, but they are correct that it will improve when the child develops more language skills so they can explain what they want or how they are feeling.

As the parent of a child who went through the biting phase too, I know how bad it can make you feel but it is much more common than you'd think!

It’s only happened at nursery, although I think that’s more because he hasn’t had the opportunity at any other time.

It is a normal developmental stage for many children.

Of course you will do all you can to stop it and so will nursery.

But this will pass.

Whenever anything bothers me about my toddler I remind myself that there aren’t any adults in society doing the same thing so they must grow out of it at some point. E.g. taking a while to get to grips with a cup - you don’t catch an adult asking for his pint in a sippy cup because he can’t manage to hold a glass so everyone learns eventually.
Apply the same rationale to the biting, I’ve never met a colleague that will bite me if I don’t do as they ask! Your little one will grow out of it. I find applying this thought process to any issues that arise takes the stressful “I must fix this immediately” panic away.

That being said, of course you can help to bring this behaviour to a stop. I would take the nurseries lead on this as they’ll have dealt with it so many times. Maybe have another discussion with them to ask what they do in nursery so you can emulate it at home, consistency between the two settings will definitely help discourage the biting. But most of all, give it time, he will grow out of it.

How old are they now? Do they bite at home too or just nursery?

My son bit at the CM but not at home so it was tricky. At home, I was one to one on my own with him so the opportunity never really arose. At the CM she had a house full of kids and there were times when she did have her back turned etc. She asked me for my advice, but then when she realised that it wasn't happening at home decided that for a while she couldn't leave him unsupervised with the other kids. So set up toddler jail.

Actually it's not that common, I really dislike it when behaviour is trivialised to stop parents feeling bad. I don't think you should feel bad, but you should take it seriously.

I've looked after more than 50 preschoolers and only 1 has been a biter and even then she only bit 2/3 times. Even in our wider community I probably can only think of 1 or 2 other children that have ever bitten.

This is so unhelpful. You’ve told to OP to “take it seriously” but given that you’ve looked after so many preschoolers yourself you’ve offered no practical advice. It’s clear already that the OP is taking it seriously, hence her worry and starting a thread.

He is 19 months. @Wickywickyyow while I take your point DS was bitten and he has bitten and nursery have said it is quite common.

I have apologised to the parents and asked after the child he bit but I’m not there when it happens so I can’t do much.

The nursery manager is exactly right and he will grow out of it when he has the words to say what he’s angry about. Keep talking to him as much as you can, read books together, if you look on Amazon there are some biting related ones. In the meantime the nursery should be handling it by watching him really closely. I think it’s really common, my daughter was bitten a few times and I was only annoyed by the daycare as I felt after the first time they should be supervising better, no hard feelings whatsoever against the biter’s parents!

It is common, i know lots of child biters and DS/DD have been bitten by multiple children, DS used to bit occasionally at nursery but mostly at home. There's a book called "teeth are not for biting" which is really good (there's a series - hands are not for hitting/words are not for hurting etc). Did the manager say what happened directly before the bite? With DS he didnt like other kids touching his face.

I will say though, DS only ever bit outside the home in a setting that was a bit "relaxed" about supervision, other settings that kept a closer eye on what was going on managed to intervene before it escalated. But 19 months is so young, it will pass before you know it x

It is common, and it doesn't mean anything about how your child will grow up. My son has only done it once or twice, but has been bitten by others more often than that, including some nasty bruising.

Wierdly, I was dying for him to bite me so that I could really tell him off for it. Maybe you could do some role play with some teddies or a story to teach him about it.

I’m really confused by someone in a childcare setting implying this is really rare and unusual occurrence . I would say their experience of only one biter is the more unusual experience 😳 I’ve worked in childcare settings and it’s definitely been common and viewed as a developmental thing that lots of children go through. If it’s only at nursery, I’d be expecting them to try to observe/be risk aware so that they can intervene before a bite happens/see what the triggers are so it can be managed - generally distraction or helping them communicate frustration in a different way helps . my son didn’t bite but he did go through a pinching stage, it’s horrible but most grow out of it fairly quickly.

Thank you. I certainly don’t want to minimise it but also it’s nonsensical to ‘discipline’ him for it hours after the event.

He is quite physical and enjoys being on the move. I also think he’s currently in nursery for five days but he’s dropping two days the week after next so I’m hoping that will help.

Hi - I had the same thing with my son at that age. I was mortified and often in tears as I felt so awful about it but I was lucky enough to speak to a child psychologist and her advice stopped it within a week, after months of him biting. She advised setting up his pushchair wherever we went and telling him that if he bit anyone he would be put in it for 5mins . First time he spent most of the play date in the pushchair but by the end of the week I only needed to set up the push chair in the corner as a reminder and it was enough, which felt miraculous at the time! Maybe this could work for you too!

OP, it sounds like being upset and hoping is your way of dealing with bad behaviour. Fair enough if that’s how you plan to go but don’t be surprised when their behaviour either doesn’t improve or one bad habit gets replaced with a worse one.

I understand - my son was a biter at about age 2 - nursery started discussing a behaviour plan and I was mortified.

They also worked out he often started to bite just before a meal time so hunger did play a part too.

He grew out of it

By that statistic anecdote you're saying that around 2% of kids bite. I'd say that makes it a fairly common occurrence.

What a peculiar and unpleasant post.

So how would you deal with him biting a child at nursery, then? Please do tell me what I should be doing that I’m not currently doing.

Are you always so unpleasant to people looking for some reassurance and advice?

It is fairly common and he will grow out of it. I know that's not a very helpful reply when you are in the middle of a difficult stage.