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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I believe we’re related

64 replies

SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 00:04

Regardless of how the cold letter of the law considers us, I believe that any siblings of our adopted (now adult) son are family.

Two years ago our son’s sister contacted us via Facebook and since then we have grown to love her and her children and treat them as family. Her ex partner and she are currently negotiating contact as she has moved close to us for support. He is claiming we aren’t family so it’s not in the children’s best interests to have us in their lives. He also insists two years isn’t long enough for a 3 and 7 year old to know us before considering us family.

We brought our son home just 10 days after first meeting him and we’ve been a devoted family ever since. I met and married my husband with 18 months and we’ve been married 30 years! So the 2 year isn’t enough idea is bull.

So what makes a family in 2022?

I’ve posted under AIBU because I know adoption is a very difficult subject for some. I empathise with that, but know (mainly because of recent contact and actions) that our son has been entrusted to for the very reason we have sacrificed careers, social life etc to give him every opportunity we can afford (he isn’t spoilt, I promise, but he has a work ethic and appreciation of relationships we know he wouldn’t have got if he’d stayed with birth mum). His sister is an amazing mum but her ex tells everyone who’ll listen that she’s selfish and a drunk (her recycling bin doesn’t clink!)

Sock it to me. AIBU that she’s family and not just somebody from our son’s past that no longer has a relationship?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 16/07/2022 00:20

I split with DH years ago. He went on to have another family. Now they're grown, have a close relationship with my DCs, and they stay at my home often.

It wasn't always that way as my DH had a long silly phase where he never encouraged a relationship between new family, & my DCs. However once his reached early teens, they reached out via social media.

& that was it. They've been close ever since. To me, they are family. They are my DC's siblings. & I do love them

Anyway, 'What makes a family' looks very different these days. & thats ok.

TreePoser · 16/07/2022 00:26

You can be there for her because you care about her and want to help her but i wouldn't load extra pressure on the situation by labelling her "family".

You can help her because you want to, you can care about her because you want to, you dont need a reason. Her x is just threatened by her having people who will be there for her.

SaggyBlinders · 16/07/2022 00:27

More context needed. How far away has she moved? If it's far and makes it difficult for him to have regular contact with his kids then I can see his point.

Testina · 16/07/2022 00:29

What has actually happened here?
If her moving close to you has any bearing on contact discussions, thar sounds like she’s actually moving her young children quite far away from their father.
Without compelling reason to think otherwise then although I’d consider them family to you, I wouldn’t say that you have anywhere near as close a family claim as their father.
So what’s he actually doing? What is this claim that you are not in the best interests of the children? Is he trying to have you legally blocked from seeing them (seems unlikely to be possible) or he’s just to her that he doesn’t want his children moved away from him just because she likes you?

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 00:30

Well. Truth be told. You arent family
You choose to adopt your child but that doesnt mean all his bio family becomes your family too by default.

You sound like you have a tat bit of a saviour complex going on...

Testina · 16/07/2022 00:32

What was the point you were trying to make in the section about sacrificing your career for your son? I can’t see the relevance.

Testina · 16/07/2022 00:33

What’s your son’s view on the relationship? The post is all about you.

Original poster
SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:38

The distance is irrelevant, it’s his claim that we aren’t “family” is the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:41

Our son has complex needs due to his early childhood experiences. He’s feeling more “at peace” with his sister in his life. They clearly need each other and his nibblings adore him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:49

I was emphasising how neglected he was and needed my support. His therapists agreed and I’ve no regrets. Nor have I regrets about the daily calls I had with his sister to talk her out of dark thoughts. Her needs are now being met with a mother figure in her life - I’m nothing special but having a constant reliable older woman in her life who doesn’t tell her she’s useless has helped her confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:56

She is the one who insists we’re family. She never had a positive relationship with her own and envies what her brother had growing up (her words). He has a large extended family (I have over 50 first cousins, many of whom have children he considers friends).

OP posts:
Original poster
SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:58

No I don’t believe I am a saviour. I’m just trying to work out if our situation is that of a modern day blended family.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 16/07/2022 03:10

Support comes in all different forms her ex doesn't get to dictate who supports her and 2 years by the coursts would be considered stable especially given their ages the younger one in particular.
Her brother definitely counts as family by the courts for you guys it's a lot more of a grey area.
She's best speaking to a solicitor if he's making contact demands about not seeing you guys though as that's not up to him

RubricEnemy · 16/07/2022 03:10

She's your son's sister. Of course she is family. Her children are his nieces and nephews.

Who is her ex making this argument to?

Cadot · 16/07/2022 03:37

It's lovely that you've built such a good relationship and can play a supporting and loving role in each other's lives. Of course you are family.

The father is probably feeling threatened that his role in their lives is going to be diminished. You say they are negotiating contact because she has moved close to you - I'd say the distance is relevant because if it makes it difficult for the father to see his children then that will be why he is trying to diminish your importance and reduce your influence.

Do you consider him family as well? Would it be possible to build up your relationship with him?

starrynight21 · 16/07/2022 04:00

SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:38

The distance is irrelevant, it’s his claim that we aren’t “family” is the issue.

Personally I'd say that the distance is very relevant. If she has moved away from him in order to be near you, then of course it's relevant since that means he is further away from his kids.

You might like the idea that you have now got a blended family with her, but meantime her ex partner is losing his family. I think you've got rose-coloured glasses on, with a large dose of saviour complex thrown in.

HoppingPavlova · 16/07/2022 04:10

I don’t get the conundrum here. If she wants contact then she can have it and her kids can have contact with you and their biological uncle when they are with her on her time. If he ex doesn’t want the kids to have contact then he doesn’t facilitate that on his time. Easy.

Christinatheastonishing · 16/07/2022 04:30

If the ex is arguing that the kids' time with him should be prioritised over time with you because he's closer family than you are, he's right. All other things being equal i.e. he's not an abusive dick. I think you're getting yourself too involved in this particular argument.

Arashi · 16/07/2022 06:46

I mean I would say you are family yes.

Whether that is a reason to move (far?) away from her ex and limiting his contact due to distance is a whole other ball game though ..

Wickywickyyow · 16/07/2022 06:51

SharingTheLove · 16/07/2022 02:38

The distance is irrelevant, it’s his claim that we aren’t “family” is the issue.

It's not irrelevant, his relationship with his children is more important than your opinions on whether you are family with their mother.

sidheandlight · 16/07/2022 07:16

no, he is your son, that is where it should stop.You are being naive, step back, let him be free but you will get burned here. You know nothing only what you are told. Do not be foolish.

Aprilx · 16/07/2022 07:24

Why does it matter whether he classified you as family or not? How would it impact his access and since when did one parent start to tell the other one who they can socialise with?

I don’t understand what you are getting at really. To your question, no you are not her family, your son is as he is her brother, but you are not. But again, I am not sure why it matters here, but if it is because she is trying to justify a move away from the father because of you, then actually I agree with him.

CornishGem1975 · 16/07/2022 07:30

Families come in all shapes and sizes these days.

Onceuponaheartache · 16/07/2022 07:42

She is absolutely his family and as he is your she becomes yours also if it what you all want.

Her ex sounds abusive and manipulative. He is a classic abuser trying to separate and isolate her from her support network.

Ignore him and keep doing what you are doing. You sound amazing!!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/07/2022 07:54

In the United States there is a legal relationship called "fictive kinship" that is used mostly for custodial cases. It allows for the idea that people can be close to other people and form a "kinship" without blood or marriage. For example, the nice old lady next door who your children call "Granny Nell" who bakes them birthday cakes every year. Or your best friend from University who is called "Aunt Helen" by your children. If these people can show length of time and/or involvement in a child's life, they can be recognized by the courts as "family".
Maybe the UK has something similar?

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